Love in Timing

The sunrise was a mixture of pastels only nature would think to mesh together. The winter air, crisp, felt surprisingly light. Sure, I'd rather be on a tropical island, but today I was content as I staired at the sky and took in the sights of the sunrise while driving to work. The sunlight made me think of Alaska.
I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, and it's not a bad thing. I've had the sinking feeling the two of us have been reaching out to each other for completely different reasons. I want to explore what "could be." He wants material to jack off....I'm not one to supply such material, unless I am in a committed, trusting relationship, I digress.
This all reverts back to love being highly correlated with timing.
I was recently asked if I had faith that I would find him, my partner, my other half, my soulmate. I scoffed and stated, "I don't know if there's a man on this planet who could handle me and everything I come with...I lost my instruction manual a long time ago, and feel like I'm a bit much to handle." The truth is, I have faith, but the faith is continuously clouded by my past mistakes, my heavy history, and my current insecurities. I know I need to work on getting through/over these things before my faith in finding my other half fully blooms...and that's just fine by me.
I could sit and place the blame that THERE ISN'T ONE GOOD SINGLE DECENT MAN OUT THERE...but that's not true...what holds true is the good, single, decent man I am searching for hasn't been found when the time has been right.
So, today I sit at my desk. I'm happy I was able to take in such an amazing sunrise. I'm thankful I have a job. I am blessed to have my health, and my baby boy in my life. Today, I am happy.

My Dream.

Lately, my internal dialogue has been tugging at my soul. I'm happy being single. I have no expectations, conflict, disappointment....at least none of those things I can blame on someone else. Being single is eye opening. It forces you to hold yourself accountable, even when you really don't want to, or try to resist accountability with all of your might.

I really am happy being single, while simultaneously wondering if I truly ever will cross paths with my one true love. A man who will look at me and melt my soul. A man who will see, feel and believe I deserve his love, and will believe he deserves mine equally. I dream and wonder if it will ever happen for me.

I go to sleep and ask my brain to dream of my wedding day, the day when it's my turn in the realm of romance. Most of the time, I dream of myself standing on a beach holding his hands....Everyone and no one is there. We are surrounded by love, and it is not only about me, but about us and the life we're starting together. There's a light breeze, and the sky has electric hues of blue with not a cloud in the sky. The day is perfect....

Then I wake up...my perfect dream of my wedding day almost haunts me because it feels so out of reach. It feels like too much of a fantasy world to be realistic for me, but dammit, I deserve it. With billions of people in the world I'm bound to find him, the man who will love me, and whom I will love. The man I deem crazy enough to put up with my silly antics.

Tonight, I sit at my computer continuing to survive single plus one, and tonight, I'll go to sleep being happy and content with myself and my life.

Plucking Flower Petals

He likes me....
He likes me not...
HE LIKES ME?!

Emails between me and Alaska seemed to have faded to non-existent. In October, we sent a dozen short messages back and forth. I (tried my damndest) to be casual and not make a big deal out of it (but, lets face it, inside I was screaming with excitement and the thought of "what could be" permeated my veins, I digress).

As spontaneous as the emails were when he first contacted me, POOF, he stopped responding.

I suppose this is to be expected when:

1. You really don't know each other
2. You live a country away from one another
3. It was just one night

I didn't lose sleep over it (which surprised me as much as I'm sure it surprises you). I moved on with my life...que serra serra.

And, just like before, POOF...My inbox alerts me to an email from him this past Saturday. Apologizing for not checking his email often. Saying he knows it's been a while since we've seen each other, and would love for me to send him some pictures...because, as long as it's been, he wants to see me again.

I am extremely cautious this minuscule internet-driven romance will go anywhere...I refuse to invest TOO much...but, damn. I like him. I like the small amount I know about him. I like that, even though some responses have taken a little long, he has kept responding. I like remembering back to that night...his eyes, lips, touch, and smell.

I like him.

Price Check, Aisle SERIOUSLY?!

I was pushing three grocery bags full of vegetables with a fresh outlook on life to my car (over my lunch break). It was a GORGEOUS sunny November day...the kind we don't see in Minnesota very often. The air was warm, the sun was bright, life was good.

Today was different, although I didn't know it yet.

I happily pushed my shopping cart to my car, unloaded my loot, and went to push the shopping cart to the cart rack. As I was walking, I passed a man. Tall, with an eight o'clock shadow hugging his face. He was dressed casual, but nice. His shoes were well kept, and made from brown leather.

"Hi" he said to me as I passed him. It was a familiar "hi." I politely responded and then started racking my brain. Why did he seem like he knew me? Am I supposed to know him? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

When I turned around after returning my cart, he was standing still, staring at me.

"I'm totally checking you out." He was more forward than a drunk man at bar close time.

"Oh, ok"...that was the best I could come up with.

I We walked back towards my car...He was flooding me with compliments.

"I am so attracted to you. I normally don't do this, but I like to go after things that I like, and what can I say? I am really really attracted to you."

I could physically hear every word from his mouth, but at the same time it fell upon deaf ears because my inner conscious was screaming at me: IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING TO ME? IS THIS GUY CRAZY? IS HE GOING TO TRY TO KIDNAP ME? OH SHIT, HE'S A PSYCHO SERIAL KILLING RAPIST!!! (OBVIOUSLY I have trust issues, I digress).

"Do a lot of guys talk to you and tell you this? I'm sure they do. How do I say this? I am really attracted to large chests" BOOM, there it was....WHO SAYS THAT?! Oh, that's right, this random dude does.

He asked if we could exchange numbers, but I tiptoed around it. I tiptoed around any sort of personal question (and by any, the only other personal question he asked me was if I worked close to the grocery store..which I do, so I told him yes, but I didn't elaborate beyond that). Maybe avoiding personal exchanges was for the best, but maybe I just blew my chance at finding my Him. What have I learned from this? I really need to work on my flirting/social skills!....Mama is severely RUSTY (when she hasn't had a glass or three of vino).

Happy Holidays

Driving into work this morning, the etiquette of gift giving for the holidays was the pressing topic of the morning. I love love LOVE the holidays. The food, laughter, the huge snowflakes, the non-stop holiday music on the radio and glistening holiday lights that pollute the night....The holiday season always feels magical to me.

Am I religious? Not in the least. I like to consider myself a "recovering Catholic." I haven't been to church in as long as I can remember...In fact, the last time I attended "mass" as a single-unwed-mother I felt like a walking sinner, with guilt seeping out of me to the point where I feel too horrible to justify attending church....I was waiting for the white haired congregation to force me into a corner and tattoo the Scarlett letter on my forehead (yeah, that's a bit of an exaggeration...point being, I don't like going to church).

Christmas is, in fact, a religious holiday (DUH....it has the word Christ in it...no lie)....but to me, it's not about the Christ-factor...it's about getting together and sharing moments with close friends and family, usually over a delicious meal, or sitting around a living room....we make time for each other around the holidays. It's an occassion that's not a wedding or a funeral where we sit down, take deep breaths, and (of course) overeat to the point of feeling the onset of a food-coma to be inevitable.

Just my luck

I’m craving to stir things up in my life….romantically….physically…..emotionally…..
I have this craving once every four to six months. I yearn to shift my mundane lifestyle. I feel a strong urge throw myself into the dating pool, and see if I’ll miraculously find a way to float, (especially after all the times I’ve sunk in the past).
Ironically enough, I received three messages from a free dating website I had signed up for moons ago.
One message was an innocent “How are you?” from a 46 year old. My mind flashed back to advice from an aunt, telling me to find a 40-something year old guy…..
I responded with “I’m fine, how are you?”….Why I didn’t check his full profile out first is BEYOND ME!
Warning, this might sound judgy mcjuderson on my behalf, but really….The man’s opening essay described himself as being recently divorced, not looking for a monogamous relationship, but rather a POLY-relationship. Why in the hell did I respond BEFORE READING HIS PROFILE?!
My inbox flashed a new message….and, sure enough, it was from Him. “I’m surprised you responded because of my profile.”
Oh well, nothing gained, nothing lost. I politely told him I had failed to read his profile until AFTER I had originally responded. I wasn’t interested in a polyamorous lifestyle, but all the luck to him.
I don’t know much, but what I do know is there has to be someone somewhere who is right for me and my baby boy. I’m keeping the faith.

++++++++++++

On a semi-related note, I stumbled across this blog...and WOW she is an amazing writer! She basically has summed up what I also believe to be the definition of love, and is currently dabbling in her own online dating adventures...check her out, I promist it will be worth your time.

Orientation

Well, folks....I've done up and done it. I'm admitted to college, set to begin classes in January....BUT....

This entire process has added roughly 1-million grey hairs to my twenty-something head. Since my former education didn't quite measure up to my new college's standards (read: my GPA sucked monkey balls), I was admitting as a student on ACADEMIC PROBATION. Yeah yeah yeah..I was young when I failed to be a successful college student, whatever, I was going back to school NOW so academic schmoschmation as far as I'm concerned.

The hoops my "probation" "required" me to go through:

1. Maintain a GPA of 2.5 or greater my first semester of school.
2. Have a course completion rate of 75% or greater.
3. Complete an online Academic Success Workshop.
4. Attend an In-Person Orientation

The orientation was last night and OH MY GOD! Who, in their right mind, schedules an orientation to begin at 5pm on a weekday. THE MIDDLE OF EFFING RUSH HOUR (as you can tell, I'm not your typical "yay I'm soooooooooo excited to be going to school...yippee" kind of gal..I want to go to class, pass with flying colors, and get my degree ASAP).

Not only did the orientation start at one of the worst possible times, but it was four flipping hours long. I HOPED to POSSIBLY sneak out early but NOPE...DIDN'T happen since you had to have a stupid sheet signed off to PROOVE that you were there (psha!).

Note to self: Don't mess up college this time around...it's a bitch to re-enroll and get your academic career back on track

Back to the Future

Once something moves into the past for me, it almost ALWAYS stays there. The same cannot be said of Alaska. Since I doubt anyone will read the link, in a nutshell, here is his story:

• We were both in the wedding party of a good friend of mine in August of 2009.
• We both consumed a rediculous amount of alcohol.
• We ended up in a hot and heavy makeout session.
• He drove me home the next morning...his buddy sat in the front seat...the same buddy who also crawled UNDER THE COVERS next to us the night before, I digress...I sat in the backseat.
• Numbers were never exchanged, but I managed to find his email address.
• I emailed him a three-sentence message...he replied with a three sentence message...I replied...and I never heard from him again.

Thinking back to the time Alaska had flooded my thoughts, I was head over heels smitten...For a man whom I BARELY KNEW! Sure, we had mutual friends, but my GOD, it's not like we had ever hung out before the wedding...WHAT IN THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM?! Note to me: Take your stereotypical girl $hit and $hove it where the $un don't $hine...seriously.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday was as gorgeous as days can get on a Minnesota October day. I was (forced) to spend the day with my family....midway through the morning my phone alerted me to an email.

Slap me backwards and call me sally, it was a three-sentence email from Alaska. My jaw dropped. When asked what was going on, all I stated was I received an email from a guy I used to know, and refused to elaborate further. The stereotypical girl wanted to IMMEDIATELY RESPOND with "YES! I WILL MARRY YOU!!...or...I mean...Ummmm...I'm fine, how are you?"....but I couldn't bring myself to say ANYTHING.

Peeps...I'm clueless. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not extremely happy with my physical appearance...I've had little to no success in the dating relm, and most days, I feel like I've forgotten how to socialize with adults, much less FLIRT (omg, I blush just thinking about it).

The night of my friend's wedding, I was confident. I was carefree. I wasn't a mom. I was me. Why in the HELL does this guy have to live in the US, albeit an effing country away?!

Nuckin Futs.

For 18 years of my life, my family felt "normal" albeit EXTREMELY dysfunctional. I get that their divorce was virtually imminent. I get that their relationship was extremely unhealthy for all parties involved. But it was my family, and when the divorce became unavoidable ten years ago, my world fell apart.

My parents have been divorced for 10 years.

My mom had started a new relationship with a man she had worked with. A relationship while she was still married. A relationship that was uncovered by my then 15 year old brother, in our house, which included him walking in on the two of them making out (responsible and SUPER mature of them, right?! I digress).

Ten years ago, after the dysfunctional family I knew and loved fell apart, the relationship with my mom crumbled before my eyes.

She's been with Him the entire time. I've hated almost every minute of it...becoming less vocal about my dislike of him as time has passed....because, really, my dislike of him hasn't and won't change my mothers mind, or open her eyes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday afternoon, I received a phone call from my mom. "What are you doing on 10/10....next Sunday?" she asked. I didn't have plans, so I told her I was free...

"We're getting married...and I want you to be my maid of honor."

"Okay" was all I could say. I said okay after she told me it was going to be a small ceremony. I said okay after she told me no dresses were allowed, only denim jeans. I said okay when she told me not to tell anyone else in the family...that she wanted this to be kept secret. I kept saying okay.

The moment I hung up the phone, I broke down into a serious ugly-cry. Baby boy asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him....he's too little to really truly understand how much this hurts. He's too little, nor would I ever want him to feel what I'm feeling. I asked for a hug, and dried my face.

In a nut shell....this sucks.

College Bound?

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old single mother who has attempted college twice in her life (both times BEFORE becoming a parent). Both attempts left me with equal amounts of passing and failing grades....but neither left me with a bachelors degree in my pocket.

A bachelors degree...something I strongly feel will add to my future in more positive ways than not having one.

I've been wanting to return to school for roughly five years. Getting my degree has been a goal of mine, even in the midst of failing multiple classes. I thought the one looming issue preventing me from doing so was an unresolved college account to the tune of (what felt like) a million dollars that I couldn't afford to rectify.

Little did I know, my dad would help me out so I could have another shot at achieving a college degree. (note: I would be the first person in my immediate family to do so, I digress).

So, there I sat, with a (mostly) cleared up financial record (at least cleared up to the point of being financial aid eligible).

The next step was choosing my school....I'll spare you the details, but the school was chosen, and applied for.

Then, it was a matter of obtaining my previous college transcripts, and having them sent to my school of choice. I paid the necessary fees, and had the transcripts sent out (only to have one become mysteriously lost in the mail...where in the hell is Scooby Doo when I need him! I digress).

Eventually, I wound up taking a personal trip to one of my former college's to obtain the official transcript and hand delivered it to my new school of choice.

Jumping ahead of myself, I also made it a point to submit an official letter stating my past financial "issues" had been resolved, and I was actually financial aid eligible...blah blah blah.

Little did I know, the way my cumulative GPA was calculated made my application DENIED. EFF ME!#&$%#@!!!

In order for me to appeal my outright DENIAL, I have to take (and pass with immaculate effing flying colors) a reading, math and written exam.

Was returning to school a HUGE MISTAKE?! I feel like the biggest failing loser ever. I am getting burnt out with this jargon, and classes haven't officially even STARTED yet.

(Insert an extreme amount of expletives HERE).

Dear August of 2010,

Thanks for trying to punch me in the gut ONE LAST TIME before leaving my life forever. I won't forget you, but I'll certainly try my best to wipe your existence from my memory if it's the last thing I do.

Sincerely,
SS+1

++++++++++++++++++

Dear SS+1,

Grow a pair and get over it.

XOXO,
August of 2010

++++++++++++++++++++

Dear August of 2010,

I'll grow a pair when you stop sucking....oh wait, you're over...Consider my pair grown (wait, that sounded a lot better in my head).

You're forgotten,
SS+1

Where to start...

I'm a minute away from asking my mom to go to counseling with me... Doesn't that sound like a basket of vomit? Yeah, I agree.



It's so frustrating to feel so completely disconnected from your parents, especially when they live within 20minutes from you, and are alive, breathing, but mentally unhealthy.



I have little to no common ground with either of my parents, but my relationship with my mom is ugly.



Passive aggressive. (read: I get my sarcastic whit from my father)



Bottled feelings. (read: the woman drinks...a lot)



I refuse to bring my son to her house on a regular basis because they regularly smoke...inside....and I wish it were just cigarettes.



I have moments like these a few times a year...where I feel emotionally beaten to a frustrated lump of a person. Eeyore syndrome flows through my veins uncontrollably. All I want to do is punch a few pillows, scream, then sink into my bed pulling the covers over my head... wishing, hoping and praying for a change in my life long failed relationship with my mom.



I need help relating to her. I need her to choose to quit drinking. I need her to choose to be a responsible grandmother, just as I've chosen to be a responsible parent. I need my mom to be a mom, and not a selfish 50 year old woman. I need to stop feeling so much resentment towards her.



Co-counseling feels like the only option I have left.



I've tried sitting down at her house, telling her my feelings. Shit hits the fan and nothing is accomplished. = fail.



I've tried meeting with her, one on one, in a public place. I always feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel...but when we follow through and attempt to "hang out" post serious discussion, she (literally) reverted to texting and wondering off to smoke. = fail.



I've tried to have shouting matches with her. = fail.



I've tried to explain myself through ugly crying. = fail.



Dammit I am so sick of trying.



But I will continue to try....hence, counseling. (is it horrible of me to hope and pray that her insurance will cover this?!)



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++



On a semi-unrelated note:



I am SOOOOOO ready for August to be OVER. It's been a great year, but good LORD August has kicked my rear upside down and backwards. So, here's to you, September, it took ya long enough to get here!!

My Idiosyncrasies

I've moved on from him (Tall boy)...mostly.

I am still bitter and pretty annoyed at the thought of him, and the emotional trap I allowed myself to fall into...but it's over. Done. Finito. No sense focusing my time and energy on a person whose choices don't include me, right? Right.

Out of pure silliness, I posted a profile on a laughable dating website. Don't get me wrong, there are great people on the site...it's more like the TJ Maxx of the dating world...you have to weed through a LOT of crap to find a decent guy.

If you're unfamiliar with the site, they've added a feature where their computer sends you three matches that they feel are credible. You have the option to message your match, or to reject him..yadda yadda yadda.

Where am I going with this?

Last night, they effing sent me Tall Boy as a match.

Awesome.

I haven't looked at his profile (as tempted as I am to do so).

I haven't rejected his profile. It's sitting in my account.

Seriously.

------------------------

And on an awesome, unrelated note...I totally pulled my groin muscle last night* (or as I like to refer to, my inner-thigh muscle...since that sounds less like I have a man-unit than groin).

Anyone have a magical cure for a strained inner-thigh muscle...because OUCH.

*I wish I could say the injury took place in the bedroom....but it didn't. Just my luck, right?! (or lack there of...hmph)

Trying to Stay Positive

In the past six+ months, I've been making phone calls, writing letters, setting meetings, and crying...all to rectify past mistakes so I could return to school and finish my bachelors degree.

It's been a tough ride...two steps forward, two steps back, blah blah blah. In a nutshell, I talked myself into attending this place. The program fit my schedule, and it seemed almost too good to be true....

My first red flag was the lack of response time from the college itself.
My second red flag was the "financial aid" package I was receiving.
My third red flag, a Nightline story on for-profit institutions.

As I sat on my couch soaking the story in, my brain was shouting "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFING KIDDING ME! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! I ALMOST WAS DUPED!!!!"

See, I don't think the university is a "bad" place, but my doubts have led me to the surmise that it isn't the right place for me or for my future. I want to look back and be proud of the hours I devoted to studying....I don't want to constantly justify my collegiate choice for the rest of my life. So...as of this point, I'm an email away from formally withdrawing myself from AU, and I have an appointment with an admissions counselor at a MNSCU school.

The new school will be a tougher road than the former...but I think a little hard work is exactly what I need.

Do you know anyone who has a bachelors degree from a for-profit school (eg, University of Phoenix, Argosy, etc.)? How is their degree received? Am I being ridiculous?

A Few Lists

Feeling rejected can DEFINITELY put a damper on a person's psyche...and I am no exception to the rules.

I kept faking it to myself that I wasn't hurt by Tall Boy...but I was.

Sure, there are positives that have come out of the Tall Boy saga:

• First hot make out session in a long time
• Fun watching a movie laying in someone's arms
• I felt mildly attractive for the first time in 2010
• I put myself out there
• I stayed true to my morals

But here are the haunting negatives (dammit why is there always a "but"?!):

• The awkward goodbye made me feel cheap
• I went out on a limb and sent him an email a week ago...he never responded.
• What the hell do I have to do to get a man that I'm interested in RECIPROCATE HIS FEELINGS?!
• I feel defeated in dating because I rarely get opportunities to meet men

So, since list making mode is my forte today, here's how I'm going to turn the negatives around (I know y'all are DYING TO KNOW as you secretly roll your eyes)

1. Awkward goodbye or not, I made out with a hottie and I loved it.
2. It's his loss if he doesn't respond to my email. I rock. Period, the end.
3. The right man will be the man who reciprocates feelings.
4. I will make opportunities and soak up life to the best of my ability.

In a nutshell, no more eeyore attitude for this chick. Life is too damn short to spend it sulking.

My God.

I was born and raised catholic. Religion was force-fed down my throat from the time I was a baby.

"DO NOT SIN OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"READ THE BIBLE OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"PRAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"

Ok, not every sentence or spiritual directive said to me ended in go to hell, but that's the funny thing about Catholics...they have this uncanny way of ALWAYS making you feel like you will actually go to hell if you don't do this or don't believe that.

Enter my senior year of high school. I (OF COURSE) was confirmed. It was something I was more or less forced to do. The classes were fine, but my favorite part was having heated spiritual discussions so I guess I have my confirmation leader to thank for that.

Enter my early twenties. I rarely ever went to church. Then BOOM, I found myself 23 years old, pregnant and unmarried (GASP I AM GOING TO HELL). Of course my guilt lead me to tears many days, and when baby boy was four months old I attempted to go to church with my mother.

Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

Not only did I feel as if I didn't belong, I ugly cried the moment I got to the car after church was over. To me, being a spiritual person shouldn't have entailed making me feel that way. Ever.

Enter today. I have a new outlook on my life and the role religion (specifically spirituality) plays in it. I do not believe in the same ideas of Catholicism, or even Christianity (I can't wrap my head around how someone can worship a "so called man" who SUPPOSEDLY did all of these things. I can't wrap my head around a book that I whole heartily believe was made up hundreds of years ago to shut people up who were commoners and asking questions. I digress).

What do I believe?

I believe in Humanity. Show me a church or gathering that gets together to celebrate Humanity and I'm in.

People can do horrible things. I've witnessed many of these heinous acts firsthand...

People can also be absolutely amazing, unselfish, wonderful and uplifting. These amazing people are what I label as Humanity.

Humanity is my "God". Living by the Golden Rule* is my life (at least, living by the golden rule as best I can...).



*JUST in case you're unfamiliar, my Golden Rule is to treat others as if you would want to be treated. Period. The end.

Mini Whining Session

There are millions upon millions of people in this world.

Resting on that fact...I know he's out there, somewhere. The perfect man to complete my heart and soul. I just know it.

**This message brought to you by the letter I, because I need assurance right now that everything really truly will be ok.**

hmph

I stand naked in front of my bathroom mirror with a robe loosely draped over my shoulders. I keep having vivid flashbacks of the time we spent touching and holding each other. As I stare at my naked body I think, would he be settling with me? My back begins to itch...damn its tough being single when you need lotion slathered onto your back.

****************************

1:15pm. I sit holding my phone mentally debating if I should call him. I've had a sitter fall into my lap for tomorrow night and want to see him...but my inner self screams NO IT'S TOO SOON! LET HIM CALL YOU....but since when do I listen to myself?

I hit "send" and my heart immediately begins racing.

Ring, ring, ring, ring aaaaaaand to voicemail I went.

I was hoping he would answer but expecting his voicemail. Either way I had a plan for what I was going to say to prevent my normal brainfarts from overcoming me like they do far too often.

"Hi, I know this is slightly bold and brazin, but a friend of mine wanted to watch baby boy tomorrow night so I was thinking we could hang out. If we don't hang out I'll most likely wind up reading a book at a coffee shop, so if you could call me back to let me know that would be great. Hope you're having a good weekend"

Click.

I haven't heard back from him, and, again I'm hoping for the best but expecting absolutely nothing. The best gift I can offer him is a choice.

***************************

As I was laying in bed tonight, I heard a quote on the radio "the first time you are a victim and the second time you are a volunteer." So sue me. I AM a volunteer with him... but I refuse to be a fool, I deserve more than that.

Confuscious Says...?

Everytime I forget about him, he pops back into my life (read: only a few times, no need to be SUPER melodramatic). Friday was no different. I was relaxed after spending a week up north with baby boy. My steps felt light, my breaths felt calm. Nothing was going to ruffle my feathers, not traffic, the fact that my vacation was soon to be ending, nothing.
(insert text message alert here)
"Sorry I just read your text message from Monday. Whatcha up to tonight?"
My jaw dropped, and butterflies started taking flight inside me. I had counted him out and boom, he messages.
My night was open, and plans were made.
He showed up wearing torn jeans and a rock shirt. The moment I saw him I wanted to jump him, but I held back. Back To The Future was put in the dvd player, and well before the movie ended, I was in his arms. Electricity was flying, and the chemistry between us was thick and steamy. I can't tell you the exact moment our lips first touched, but I can tell you I was floating (and simultaneously telling myself IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!). To spare feelings in lieu of him actually finding my little corner of the internet, I will tell you it got hot and heavy...and to feel even MORE juvenile I'll let it be noted that we safely made it to second base. (insert the but) As hot and heavy as we got, I held back.

I feel guarded with him. Let's review the history:

• We date a couple of years ago only to have it end kissless with an instant message.
• We reconnect five months ago only to see each other for the first time three weeks ago.

My head is damning me. How hilarious is it that things with this man went from "is he even into me" to "does he only want to have sex with me?"

Is he going to shoot me a message saying he doesn't want to date?
Am I setting myself up for failure
I can't get this man, his touch, his taste and his smells, out of my head.
What do I do?

Sure, the right answer (the seemingly easy answer) would be to let it play out...wait and see how this cookie crumbles.....but the easy answer seems to be my biggest challenge.

I guess I'll force myself to do what I think will be best for me...breath in, breath out, and repeat.

P.S. I haven't been kissed, touched or held like that....ever.

Reminding Myself

He turns to me, his hands holding the back of my head. He loves me. I love him. Our toes buried in sand, the waves crashing in the background.

I dream this scenario on a regular basis.

I'm amazed at how powerful people can be. Sure, "you choose your own attitude"...I only agree with that about 50% of the time. People have the amazing ability to suede those around them. Both positive and negative attitudes are as contagious as strep throat.

Men have an amazingly strong effect on me. They have an uncanny ability to bring out the best and worst in me in one breath. I hate it and I love it at the same time.

Some might think (read: me) that I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket with TB. However, I'm not. I'm putting one egg in my basket at the time, and right now, that one egg just so happens to be him (ha, that sounds kind of dirty...go me).

There's still a communication discord. Yeah, I could just be acting paranoid...but my gut instinct is sharp, and it rarely lies. If only I weren't so "in-like" with this man. Christ, the "if only's" could go on for days if I let it....

I'm ready.
I'm ready for love.
I'm ready to laugh.
I'm ready to be held.
I'm ready to share my soul.
I'm ready.

As with all things (shopping, particularly) whenever I'm ready for something it's never around. So, I'll stay ready, but I'm done allowing myself to care if and when I meet Mr. Right. I'm reminding myself to focus on how amazing my life actually is....the simple things can be grand (and I know my simple things are taken for granted more often than not).

I have a little boy in my life who constantly asks me if I want to play Hippo Hippo Hungry (the old school game hungry hungry hippos...I like his way of saying it though). He's healthy. He makes me laugh and tests my patience everyday... I'm lucky, and if I were a spiritual girl, I'd say I'm blessed to the heavens.

Introducing

Batman

For close to a decade, I've been playing on a coed softball team. I've had a blast, really...but recently I've noticed that the team's identity (read:drink before, after and during the game) wasn't fitting into my life....after all, I'm raising a little boy...who doesn't need to be exposed to binge drinking on a weekly basis at the tender age of 4. I digress.

I sent out a message to about a dozen people saying I was looking for a new softball team to play on. A girl I've known for a while (but wasn't at the point of calling us friends) responded saying there was an opening on her work team.

Yahtzee!

I was (very) nervous the first night... Everyone was really nice, and one particular character caught my eye. Our team is super hero themed...each of us wear a different super hero costume as our jersey. I couldn't help but drool over Batman.

He was kind to me and to baby boy.
He was extremely attractive.
He made me laugh.
You get the point.

Here's the dilemma....

I feel like I'm stuck in a Jerry McGuire situation.

I feel like he likes my son MORE than he likes me. Thank God we aren't actually dating because HELLO AWKWARD if that were the case.

I've never encountered a man taking a stronger liking to my son than to me. I know I'm biased but I also know he's a great kid. Do you think it's possible for Batman's likes to shift towards me? If so, how in the world do I make that happen?! I feel like a complete rookie.

note: I totally need to get some man-action.

A Fresh Start of the Past

Saturday night started out like most others...except this time, I was determined to make it different. Around 7pm, I shot him a text "Wanna come over and watch a movie later"?

He didn't respond.

I wasn't too upset, after all, I had intended on watching a movie be it solo or with company. In a way, I had guarded my emotions, reminding myself that I had laundry to do, and since He wasn't coming over I didn't have to do a mad dash scramble to clean.

There I was, 9pm, reasoning with baby boy to go to sleep, folding a load of whites (with two loads in the washing machine and one in the dryer), with my movie queued up....when my phone began to blink.

"sounds good, what would you like to watch"

I just about wet myself.

I didn't completely panic. I told him about the movie I rented from Redbox (Sherlock Holmes), and then invited him to come over in an hour and a half. He accepted the invite, and at that very moment my own personal Bridget Jones' Diary montage began (sans the music).

• Bathroom - Cleaned from top to bottom
• Living Room - Decluttered, toys picked up, laundry put in baskets and strategically hidden in my room
• Kitchen - Dishes put away, dishwasher reloaded, counter top kitchen table and stove top wiped down
• Me - Unshowered, sweaty mess from my mad dash to pick up my place....

I didn't look like a troll...completely. I had been wearing a cute tank dress because it was comfortable and a dress is always a good way to beat the heat.

BLINK BLINK...my phone was alerting me he had messaged, and he was at my door.

When I saw him butterflies began. It had been two years and countless recent messages since our last encounter. He looked great. He had the sexy man smell that my senses have missed out on.

We sat down to watch the movie and couldn't help but talk throughout the first half. It felt different than the last time we had seen each other. Comfortable. Right.

Half way through the movie, it happened. We slowly drifted towards one another, and before I knew it I was laying in his arms. His strong, sexy arms.... we were melting into each other...it was about damn time.

The movie ended, and after a brief walk outside we wound up playing mario on my wii for an hour and a half. It was fun...but inevitably the night had to end.

I'm so happy we saw each other...but I'm still waiting for that damn first kiss. I've waited two years..what's another (possible) couple of weeks? The past few days, I've reminded myself that what will be, will be.

I'm in like.

Him.

His touch.
His words.
His presence.

Him.

When you go so long without the touch of the opposite sex...you forget how electric it can feel.

I recently shared an evening with someone...details to follow within the next day or so...

I know a girl.

I know a girl whose mother left her when she was only three years old.
A girl whose father died when she was 15.
This girl had met a boy.
A boy who grew up in a fairly well rounded family.
A boy whose family had recently fallen apart.
A boy who was embarking in a world of drugs and chaos, but remained to shield his heart from the ugliness.
This boy and girl had a baby together, but were absolute poison for one another.
The girl played head games, using guilt as her sword.
The boy turned to his drugs to self sooth.
They parted ways.
The girl got a job, but never fully grew up.
The boy cleaned up, got a job, and still tries to grow up.
I know a girl who tries to make everyone believe she is a woman.
I know a girl who willingly sends her baby to sleep at someone else's house five nights a week and believes it's alright.
I know a boy who is proving he's a man.
A boy who loves his little girl so much it hurts, and would do anything to be home with her, but his job prevents him from doing so.
A boy who is stuck at war with himself, a girl, and the world.

...and in the midst of all of this chaos, a baby is trying to grow up.

God help this child.

note: this is not my story, but that of someone else. I wish I could help. I wish I could open this girls eyes to what being a parent is about. I'm far from the perfect parent, but one thing I know is my life is shared with baby boy. Sure, I have some time to "me"...but you surrender most of your personal time when you chose to become a parent...hence HELLO SINGLE LIFE FOR THIS CHICK. Most days I want to slap this girl upside the head.

Ok, I'll step off of my soap box now.

Growing up...in a nutshell

In my lifetime, I’ve witnessed three close friendships fizzle before my eyes. The change had always been a tough pill for me to swallow, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve also grown wiser.

Recently, a close friendship fizzled into nothing, over virtually nothing. Hurtful things were thrown my way, followed up by childish immaturity's on behalf of the friend that no longer is. My feelings were hurt, and I maturely said everything I needed to say and then some. The difference between the three friendships I’d seen turn to dust was this…

Back in the day, it was a gradual process. For the most part, we stopped hanging out, and overtime grew apart. Bridges were never burned. We just so happened to grow in different directions.

The second friendship came to a crashing stop over a boy. Nasty letters were typed out and hand delivered. Extremely horrible phone calls were exchanged. I was just as guilty as the other. Many, many tears were shed (specifically on my behalf). Bridges were DEFINITELY burned.

Most recently, a friendship of mine dissolved over the internet. Everything felt disconnected and my jaw still drops when I think about it. A single IM her way resulted in (what I could only interpret as) a friendship-meltdown of epic proportions. I wrote a couple of email messages apologizing and attempting to explain the situation as I saw it. She responded with hurtful personal attacking comments that had absolutely nothing to do with what the original issue was about. And that was that. We are no longer speaking.

I’ve handled myself extremely well in the face of this friendship dissolving. I haven’t said or breathed an ill word about her, even in the face of dramatic comments I’ve heard from others (specifically about what she’s said to others about me and the rift our so called friendship was going through). I’ve taken the high road. I have nothing to regret. In fact, I feel extremely mature in my “old age.” I’ve looked at the friendship I’ve had with this person, and truly believe the friendship had and has run its course.

What will be, will be.

I’ll make new friends, dare I say, better friends. Better friends because I now know what to look for in people based on my past experiences. I’m sure she’ll do the same. I’m thankful I can sleep easy knowing I’ve treated those around me with respect and dignity, just as I had hoped others around me could do, although had failed with flying colors.

No, I don’t have a circle of 50 acquaintances. Sure, I only hold a few close friends….to me, life is about quality, and not quantity.

Me in a nutshell:

• I’m single.
• I have an amazing son.
• I work for a great company and love going to my job every day.
• I’m genuine.
• I’m happy.
  

Life is good.

Nagging Thoughts

• Joran Van der Sloot should be publicly castrated and executed. As far as I'm concerned he's a waste of air.
• Six months of seeing a "life coach" has been extremely helpful...I'm sad that my allotted time has expired, and am contemplating looking into a more permanent life coach situation. (honestly though, I feel like I opened pandora's box by starting to see a therapist in the first place...Que Serra Serra).
• I've been alarmingly disturbed by a recently reported statistic that obese women only have a 30% chance at finding a romantic partner.
• My disdain for the above statistic lead me to try out Healthe'Trim....I only lasted a week. I felt like I had altzheimers while taking it, and decided to stop. Since stopping I've had a KILLER headache. Coincidence? Probably not.
• My new planted garden is doing great! I have green tomatoes, lettuce for salads, onions and rosemary currently at my disposal.
• When the eff did I actually turn into an independent adult?! It seems like just yesterday I was just a child....damn, time sure flies when you're living.
• Excedrin Migraine is my drug of choice. It hasn't let me down yet!
• I am amazed at how well baby boy behaves....especially when "earning a star" is my leverage for him listening on the first try, helping mom, and making good choices.
• Although baby boy is without a father in his life, he still has become a little man...as evidenced by a recent trip to a car show, where he approached the engines with his hands held behind his back, and knelt to the ground to check out the chassies...Yeah...Um....He's 4, and mom did NOT teach him these things...they must be genetic!
• I'm contemplating an across-country move, but feel it would be more successful if I had my degree. Uggh.

...and on a final note:

• I switched to a droid phone, and think I'm in LOVE. Who needs to date when you have an awesome phone?

Just Dinner?

I feel guilty.
I feel happy.
I feel confused.

I met up with Crotchrocket last night. It was harmless, I promise. We each brought our children and met up for dinner at a local pizzeria (might I add, his daughter is ADORABLE). So there we were, the four of us.

He looked great. I felt fairly comfortable, and really want to get to know him more. (Enter the "but") BUT, I feel guilty. He has a girlfriend...ya know...the mother of his adorable child....the girlfriend that he bought a house with....Yeah. Am I going to hell for hanging out with him? Probably not (key word: probably).

Our time spent together is/was REALLY innocent. Laughing, enjoying life, smiling when the kids were cracking up, exchanging looks when the kids were naughty (read: me shooting him the "I give up" look when baby boy was being difficult. his little girl was darn near perfect).

I can't shake the feeling that hanging out with him is wrong (emotionally, not physically), because (at the risk of being cliche) it feels so right.

Fool Me Once

Remember how I said Tall Boy was back in my life? Well, he is, was, er....crap. I just don't know. I KIND OF feel like I've been electronically emotionally duped.


See, we've been chatting online...a lot. Exchanged a few weekend texts. I've enjoyed our electronic dialogue...but SERIOUSLY, I can only handle so much "chatting" before I'm driven to insanity. So, I suggested we meet for lunch...he agreed, and the "lunch date" was set for Tuesday.


Tuesday at 10:15am, my phone alerts me to a new text message. Sure as dog poo, it was TB, texting to tell me he was "called into a last minute meeting, and wouldn't be able to do lunch, but wanted to reschedule for tomorrow." Fine. Whatever. I suppose I could make that work...so I rescheduled for Wednesday.


Wednesday at 10am, again, my phone has a new text from TB. "I stayed home from work today, so I guess we'll have to reschedule.. :-("


I was annoyed. Really annoyed.

Enter the part when I don't want to be Miss Nice Pants....All I wanted to do was tell him off. He had gone to the Twins game last night. Ya know, the game against the Yankees where it started torrentially down pouring...in the new OUTDOOR stadium. His tickets were in the third row behind the yankees dugout. I didn't feel bad for him that he was sick. Not an ounce of sympathy from this chick.


So, which text did I send?

1. "I suppose having good tix to the twins in the down pouring rain would leave me sick too. I'll reschedule if you're buying"


2. "feel better"

I'm a sucker. I sent #2.

I have the HARDEST time being rude....well...unless I'm dating you, then WHOA BOY I can be a snarky mcscnarkerson....And I wonder why I'm single! Srsly.

Shame on me for being fooled twice.

Flexibility

I spend the majority of my days being flexible. Sure, I'll help with this or that around the office. Sure, I'll change my plans because baby boy is crabby, or was being well behaved, or needs to eat dinner. Sure I can wait for you because you're running thirty minutes behind schedule. Sure, I'll run out the door IMMEDIATELY because you're ahead of schedule.

People, I'm spent.

Treat people how you want to be treated...I get it. What I don't get is why people (baby boy excluded for obvious reasons) feel like it's alright to change things/plans/life ALL of the time when I'm involved. It's understandable if it happened once in a while...but, honestly, it happens when I'm involved ALL OF THE TIME. Today, last Sunday, last week.

I'm over it.

...and I need to get laid. (beacause you and I both know that will solve ALL OF THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS!!!!! ...and by ALL OF THE WORLD, I just mean mine).

Introducing...

Single Dad.

Well, people, Crotchrocket came through, and introduced me (via the internet) to his friend, Single Dad.

He's 32-ish (I think, only because der, we've only sent a handful of messages back and forth). He's been single for a year and a half. His son is 6. On paper he seems near perfect. His photo's are sexy. His mannerisms are pleasant, and even has the ability to make me laugh. I want to talk with him in person, face to face.

See, internet only relationships don't do it for me after a week or so. They lack personal, raw emotion. They feel empty. I'm a girl who wants more. I want to share giggles. I want to read his tone of voice, and win him over with my clever witty comebacks. I want to feel his touch. I want to smell him. Those really important sexy aspects are lost without hope when the friendship/relationship is purely internet/email/text driven. Call me old school, but I'm a girl who is ready for more than what her battery operated friend has to offer...

We'll see if anything develops with SD. I'm actually being patient for once in my life, because I haven't a thing to lose at this point. I've only invested a few moments to respond to a few messages. No date time...yet. (a girl can hope though, right?!)

Crotchrocket...Present Day

It started back up with a friend request on Facebook.

Of course I accepted, and honestly, I was completely surprised and taken aback when I received the request. It had been (darn near) close to 10 years since I had heard from him...Ten crazy years, but ten years none the less.

Immediately I was overcome with a flood of emotions. I craved to find out what he had been up to. What’s his life like? What’s changed? What’s new? What’s different? I wanted to know it all.

(I laugh realizing that both times we’ve begun speaking have been via the internet, but I’m excited to be speaking with him again.)

He has a house now, a girlfriend with whom he purchased the house with, and a one year old girl.

I’m extremely happy for him, but completely torn with “what if’s.” I know, I know…I shouldn’t do this to myself…but my thoughts keep harassing me.

He makes me laugh.
He’s silly, and lives his life in a light hearted manner.
I make him laugh.
He has a job.
He's not crazy.
…and the history between the two of us is there, and the chemistry is unreal.

I feel guilty talking with him, which means I know in my gut that what I’m doing is wrong. Every time we talk, we flirt. It’s how it’s always been. I feel like no time has passed at all, and I feel extremely comfortable talking with him…but it’s unfair to him, unfair to his girlfriend, and certainly unfair to his little girl. I’m not trying to be the other woman, but did I mention the chemistry between us is electric, be it online or on the phone.

I told him to tell his girlfriend that we were talking, and he said she’s the jealous type. I refuse to allow myself to be his secret friend. I refuse to let myself be the other woman. I deserve more than that.

He’s told me he’ll introduce me to a single guy friend of his, but I don’t believe him. My instincts tell me he feels the same way about me as I do about him…While talking on the phone, I told him that I’ve really missed talking with him, then he agreed…and silence ensued. So today, I sit here confused. Being reminded of how much fun I used to have, and how I laugh until my belly aches when we talk has left me wanting more…has left me wanting him more.

My gut feels wrenched but the selfish being inside of me is soaking it all up. I feel like I’m destined for hell.

Introducing...

Crotchrocket.

Our conversations began online, back in the day where AOL was the only internet a household had...where you had to wait for the dialing, buzzing, weird noise of the modem followed by a computerized "Welcome."

He was the cousin of my brother's friend (ha, that sounds kind of funny to me, I digress). He had graduated from high school, and I had just finished my Junior year. He had his own car. He drove a crotchrocket. He was nice, and we shared many laughs...but we were just friends.

No handholding.
No romantic stuff.
Just friends.

I had never dated a boy, let alone, a boy had never been "into me." The closest thing I had come to male contact was the horrible first kiss from two years before.

We would go out to eat at Perkins. Hang out at his house. Drive around.

One night, he asked me if I wanted to drink with him...I had never been drunk before, so I was apprehensive, but eventually said I'd go along with it. The night began with a bottle of bacardi limon. The night ended with SEVERE spins, and from what I can remember, we messed around. It was mutual. No lines were crossed that didn't want to be crossed. It was fun, but I was so shy and inexperienced that I felt completely awkward after it happened. If you ask me, that was the beginning of the end of us.

See, we were both inexperienced. He had this ere of sarcasm that I found intriguing, but I also found it extremely difficult to read. After a while, I interpreted his sarcasm as him being too good for me. Towards the end of our summer together, our family discovered my mother had been having an affair. Shortly after that, I met my first actual boyfriend....and Crotchrocket faded out of the picture. I didn't think much of it at the time..I moved on, and was consumed with the life of senior in high school while trying to digest my first boyfriend, and my failed family.

He's back...

Tall Boy.


I had to look back in email and blog history to figure out exactly how long it had been...but one thing I hadn't forgotten about him was his liking for America's favorite past time, baseball.


See, looking back in my blog history, I realize I never fully explained what happened with him (and if I did explain, I can't remember). In a nutshell, we had been on about five dates...we never kissed. One time, asking him how things were going, I was met with a "I have fun hanging out with you" response...only to be followed up a couple of weeks later with an instant message on my computer that said he didn't want to date anymore...Yup, my internet version of the Sex in the City episode where Carrie is broken up on a post-it.

I was initially shocked, and very frustrated...I BELIEVE I responded with a courteous "alright"..but I can't be too sure.

Fast forward to earlier this year:

The first vacation I had been on since having baby boy was to Florida for spring training. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

The opening of a new MLB stadium in my city occurred in April. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

Fast forward to a week and a half ago:

I'm the first person to admit I'm NOT technologically savvy. I was putzing around on an old email address of mine and BOOM, I discovered they had added a chat feature, AND I figured out how to activate it...all.by.myself (insert high five to self here).

...and what do ya know, Tall Boy was online.

(disclaimer: at one point, we used to be friends on facebook...but when I feel like I no longer want or need a person to see my personal happenings of facebook, I'll be the first to unfriend them...oh snap).

It started with a friendly message from me, about baseball, of course. We went on to do the generic "catching up" and have shared a few friendly chats here and there since.

Yesterday, he sent me a message that had to do with a comment on a different blog I write. He wanted to explain his perspective on dating a single parent. I was flattered he still kept up on my blog, but between you and me, I was equally sad that we had stopped dating and/or talking for the last couple of years. Besides dating back when he was fresh out of a divorce, he was open in expressing that he didn't know what he wanted or if he even wanted to date....and my heart slightly sank when, last week, he told me he still didn't know if he wanted to date....

I am a firm believer in timing. Is he the one for me? I haven't a clue. What I know is I still don't feel the two of us were given a fair chance (specifically by him...I digress). I also know that I'm still an awesome person, he'd be darn lucky to date me, and I'm still interested in him (but too afraid to admit it).

(insert deep sigh here).

Secrets...

...that aren't so secret anymore.

• I will eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting.
• I honestly do love baseball.
• I rarely can speak on cue, but find it a LOT easier to express my thoughts in the written word.
• I'm deathly afraid of failure..which a lot of the time prohibits me from trying in the first place.
• I rarely go #2 if I'm not at home.
• I'm very bummed out that everyone around me has a more successful dating life than me.
• I know I'm awesome, but the majority of the time feel like I'm the only one that thinks so.
• I have a love/hate relationship with money.
• I only wear scented lotion when I have gas.
• The only time my room has been clean in the past five years is when I've invited a man I'm interested in over to my house.
• If I'm out of underware, I'll go commando before I'll do laundry...because I hate laundry THAT MUCH.
• Because I'm horrible at eating leftovers, I'll usually eat what I've cooked (even if it means eating three servings worth) just so I don't have to deal with leftovers in my fridge.
• Sometimes I'll drink a glass of water, then return the glass to my cupboard because I can't justify washing a glass that was only used for water.
• I really do think I can carry a tune...but I know I'll wind up on the bloopers reel if I ever dare tryout for American Idol, because I can BARELY sing when I'm nervous.
• As much as I know cell phones and driving don't mix, I LOVE talking on my phone whilst driving (specifically when I'm driving FROM work to pick up baby boy...it's the only time during my day where I can speak freely and openly without distractions from my lovely son).
• There are currently only two foods I won't touch...black licorice and raisins.
• This might come across as crazy, but I really do love being a mom...and most days I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Indulgent.

I was indulgent this past weekend. Severely indulgent. At one point (or another), I consumed pizza, turkish food, homemade hollandaise (with hashbrowns, green peppers and onions), spicy alfredo (with rotini pasta, asparagus and butternut squash), and even managed to squeeze in a few fudge striped cookies.

As I sat on my couch last night, munching on said fudge striped cookies, I started asking myself "Why in the world are you treating your body like this?!". The only answer that I could feasibly come up with is: control.

I've been sitting on a rather large decision lately...that to return to school to finish earning my bachelors degree. Sure, it doesn't sound like it would be a horribly tough decision, because when can a bachelors degree be a bad thing? Well, I'm here to tell you, a bachelors degree can be a horrible thing if you're facing adding about 20k in debt to your already tarnished credit.

My questions have turned from "when am I going back to school" to "do I need to go to a noteworthy school to have this be worth my debt? or could I settle for a less expensive route that have the means to the same exact end?" The debate goes on.

I've asked my parents - they tell me to talk to someone else.
I've asked facebook - I've received a couple of great comments...but still can't make up my mind.
I've asked a really good childhood friend - She really didn't know what to tell me, and ended the conversation with a "Well, good luck!"

I've even gone so far as to REALLY think about my five year plan...where I want to be, or what I want to do. Here's the path's I've come up with:

1. Move abroad for a year post graduating, only if I could defer said student loans until I return AND figure out a way to move baby boy in a safe and healthy manner. The institution I earn my degree from wouldn't be AS imperative...
2. Post degree, apply for an upgraded position within the current company that I work...which would MOST LIKELY entail moving to a different state, as the current market I'm working in has little to no room for growth. Taking this route would mean that the institution I earn my degree from wouldn't matter as much...
3. Apply for better paying position in the current city I'm living in. This route would make the place I earn my degree from a little more important.

So I ate. And ate. And, yes, ate some more. I don't know which school is best for me, and I certainly can't pinpoint where my life will lead me in the next five years. My decision seems all the more challenging, because it's the life of my son AS WELL as my life that will inevitably be affected.

I'm still eating today...because maybe by the next bite or the next gulp of my indulgent mint coffee I'll attain some sliver of clarity.

Sure there are other problems in the world greater than mine...I get that. Currently, right now...this is all I can think about.

Are you gonna eat that, or can I have it? thanks.

Coffee, anyone?

Insert jealous single girl HERE.

Well people, my close group of friends (read: two girls) have gone from single to in relationships....it happened (what feels like) overnight...in actuality, one started dating J in January, the other met and has become serious with a guy she met a week ago.

I'm happy for both of them but all I want to do is cry.

I have this huge issue where I feel like I NEED to be around people because I HATE feeling like I'm alone...and when you have single friends you find things to do together. However, when your single friends start dating #BOOM. You no longer have people to turn to for a spontaneous run to get coffee, or company whilst walking around a lake because said people are busy getting ready for dates, or entertaining their new men.

I guess you could say the next few weeks will be a time for me to readjust....but I'm fearful it will be an isolating time of readjustment...and I HATE isolation. The older I get, the more challenging it is to find people to hang out with...and the catch is, I don't want to find new people to hang out with...I am resistant to change. I want MY people back...but then again, that's a selfish and unfair expectation.

So, I'll go forward with my life. I'm happy for both of them...really, I am. I'll fake being happy for me and my situation until my adjustment period settles, and becomes my new normalcy.

Anyone want to meet me for coffee?

Dear B,

As crazy as this might sound, I put a lot of thought into our little chat yesterday.

What I've concluded? What will be, will be.

I know I can come off as an extremely strong personality (which is immediately off-putting), but I know I'm a great person.
I know I'm completely harmless.
I know I have a heart of gold.
I know why I want to get to know you (which I'm not comfortable fully disclosing that to you yet)
and I know I want to find out more.

If you want to take a walk sometime, or feel the need to venture out to 394 and Highway 100 for lunch (which happens to be where I work), that would be awesome. If not, I'm alright with that.

I, like you, believe things in life and the people you meet, happen for a reason.



************************************

I met a boy.

He's artsy, sexy, and I am intrigued by him. We crossed path's at a party last weekend. We talked a bit...and ironically enough after he left, a person asked me if we were together. I knew I was interested in him, but it wasn't until I was asked if we were together that I really gave him some thought.

We spoke online yesterday. I tried my hardest to not come off as crazy (key word: tried). See, I have zero patience to let things roll when I'm intrigued. Call it a flaw. Call it the reason why I'm single. Call it what you want.

My gut is telling me he's trouble, but I feel like that's one of a few reasons why I am so intrigued by him. Possibly my feelings are stemming from horrible old habits yearning for something even though I know it's bad for me....it's just....he's just...ugh, bad, hot, mysterious, rugged...seriously.

During our conversation, I asked him if he wanted to meet up for lunch sometime. He responded by telling me he doesn't hang out with girls one on one. My heart skipped because I knew he was saying he "just wasn't into me"....but maybe I'm reading into it too much? Good lord, who knows.

...for now, patience and pushing him out of my head seems to be the only way I can internally resolve my intriguing feelings for him. (insert deep sigh here)

Me.

I want it all.
I want it now.
I want wanting it all and wanting it now to be ok.

I think it is. (the key word being THINK..which is mighty dangerous, especially if I'm involved).

I'm effed.

Today marks the start of a wellness challenge in my company. It's pretty cool knowing that your company is willing to fork out money for a program to help their employees get fit (even though they're only doing so to renegotiate lower insurance policies, I digress).

Our program started with a company coming to our office to take initial measurements of height and weight to calculate our BMI. Those participating were then placed on a team and are competing with other office teams to lose weight for cash incentives.

Today, I discovered I would need to lose (brace yourselves..) 70 lbs in order to reach a healthy weight (insert panicky tears here).

How ironic is it that on the first day of this activity, all I want to do is devour a gallon of ice cream?

I'm trying to make healthy choices...really, I am. I've been on a healthier diet kick since March 12th, where I've cut down my dairy consumption significantly, incorporated whole grains, fresh fruit and veggies almost daily, AND haven't eaten red meat, chicken or pork.

Exercise is my arsenic.

I can't find an ounce of motivation to bring me past the point of already feeling to defeated to exercise. OH MAH GAH it is so frustrating.

I know the simple steps to losing weight, but I've never been able to follow through with them.

1. diet
2. exercise
3. diet (meaning, make healthy choices that don't include candy and crap food)

blah blah blah.

My optimism for pulling this off is next to nothing. Granted, I'm not even expecting myself to lose 45 lbs....but for the love of god can something just start clicking for me in terms of weight loss? I'm an expert at packing it on, but have NEVER cut weight.

A little (lot) of help please?

p.s. this post brought to you by the Poor Me Foundation.

A Different Perspective

He said "maybe I just need a steady girlfriend."* My jaw dropped. It was the first time (I can remember) actually hearing a guy say he "needed a girlfriend."

I don't know if it's me, the people I hang out with, or the area I live...but I rarely (if ever) hear men saying they need a woman in their life. Sure, guys want sex...but a wanting a relationship, never.

Most of this kind of talk is done between girls (totally stereotypical, I know). I guess it was comforting to hear, firsthand, that wanting a relationship can (and does) go both ways.


*note: The He I'm referring to is a friend from high school...who also happened to date a good friend of mine a year ago. This did NOT bode well between the two of them...for that and a couple other reasons, I see the two of us only being friends.

p.s. can I use enough of these ( ) in my post today (insert rolling eyes at myself here).

This is Me.

• I like to wear high heels, and I'm 5'9.
• I would choose a dress or a skirt over shorts or capris ANY day of the week.
• I typically take a half hour to get ready...MAYBE 45 minutes if a shower is involved.
• I don't mind getting dirty.
• I love camping even though I haven't been hard core camping in years.
• I crave bonfire's in the summer.
• I enjoy cooking.
• I hate cleaning up by myself.
• Laundry is a thorn in my side.
• I love bird watching.
• I love science in general.
• I could lay in a park and stare at the clouds for hours.
• I talk quite a bit, but look forward to moments of silence.
• I could use to lose 50 lbs.
• I have never succesfully lost weight.
• I'm addicted to regular coca-cola.
• I love listening to popular music...be it country or bubble-gum dance beats.
• I love listening to the songs from the musical Rent.
• I will never be a hipster when it comes to music.
• I don't really understand how people enjoy going to watch local bands.
• I am fairly certain that I'm aetheist....and was raised a catholic.
• I don't attend church services, and the thought of doing so gives me a knot in my stomach.
• I love my life most of the time.
• I am happy that I'm a mom most of the time.
• I'm returning to school and equally excited and nervous.
• I want to date for the sole purpose of feeling wanted and attractive.
• I try to hide my jealousy when a friend of mine starts dating someone new.

Dear Dad,

What I want to say to him:

When we have discussions like yesterday morning, I feel like I will never be good enough for you. I was extremely afraid of telling you about Ala-Non because I was afraid my words and feelings would be twisted around...which is EXACTLY what was done. I am so hurt by the way I was treated yesterday words cannot even begin to describe.

As I sit here trying to formulate my thoughts (so I can be as simple and clear and possible), I am clouded by fear that you will also turn this email around on me in some way, shape or form...and if that fear of speaking the truth to you isn't mental abuse, I don't know what is.

I've been clear and honest with you...yesterday's conversation and the handful of conversations we've had that have ended the exact same way have played an enormous toll on my spirit. My heart tells me you care, but your words and actions are very contradictory and (for the sake of repeating myself) very hurtful.

Honestly, Dad, I just don't feel like there's anything I can do or say to make you proud of me. I wish I could apologize but I am not sorry. I'm a great person. I have a great little boy. Any person would be lucky to know me, or to spend time with me. I cannot control if you choose to see, or acknowledge those truths.

What I've said to him since yesterday:

Nothing.

Fearful.

I can count on my hands the number of times I've been afraid to tell my parents something. It has always been something that I've done, or has been done to me...and it's always been something pretty serious. Most of the time once I finally spilled the beans they were supportive, and if it was something bad they were there once their initial anger left them.

Today, I have something new I'm afraid to tell them, and it's eating me up inside. This thing is different because it also involves both of them. The ironic aspect to my issue, is this thing is really good for me, so I shouldn't be afraid to tell them..but I am.

Last weekend I went to an Al-Anon meeting. My first Al-Anon meeting*. At this meeting, I verbally said my name, then stated I am the daughter of an alcoholic. The words felt really good to finally say out loud. In a way, they felt liberating. I spent my morning listening to others, and the clouds cleared from my head; I am WAY more effected by alcohol and drugs than I had originally believed. I guess you could say I had been living in denial.

The day of the meeting, ironically enough, my mom offered to watch baby boy. It would be the first time she's spent time with him in 2010. Some of you might think "well, it's only March...my parents rarely see my kids". People, my parents live about 15 minutes from me...the only reason my mom hasn't seen my child is because she has chosen to live a selfish life that involves alcohol, work, and more alcohol.

I've tried speaking with her about her drinking habits, and SURPRISE, she gets very defensive. I've tried reasoning with her. I've tried begging her to be a more active role in my son's life. All I hear are excuses masked by what she thinks is reason.

The day after my meeting I stopped by my fathers house. I had every intention of telling him what I had started doing...but I couldn't. Fear of his reactions and judgement paralyzed me. See, a loooong time ago (read: when I was in middle school) I accused HIM of being an alcoholic, and to this day he still reminds me. I don't take back my feelings from back then. I witnessed him putting tonic and scotch into a HUGE enclosed mug. I'm not crazy, I swear. Also, there's that one Christmas, two years ago, where him and my brother both got so pissy drunk that they started verbally attacking me, calling me horrible names...eventually leading to me leaving my dad's house in hysterical tears, I digress (p.s. Thanks Johnny Walker..you Rock).

I think I'm so fearful of telling them because it will stir up emotions, and when people get defensive and feel like they're being judged, they throw judgement right back. I'm hoping that after a couple more meetings I'll have the strength to confront them. I'm hoping.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

*Funny story:

Since this was my very first meeting, I was absolutely clueless. I wasn't even sure how to walk into this place (note: it was a HUGE house on a historic street in the city). I was aware that they provided child care during the meetings, so baby boy was with me.

We walked into this house, and I must have had an enormous look of confusion on my face. A man told me to talk with so and so upstairs for childcare...so upstairs we went. I got baby boy settled, told him I would be just outside, and then went to find a seat.

The room was empty aside from a HOT guy..go figure. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I'm sure I looked extremely uncomfortable.

It wasn't until I heard multiple people talking about how long they'd been sober, and that they were drunks that I realized I might be in the wrong place. The room was quickly filling up, but I leaned to the lady next to me, and asked her what meeting I was in. "AA...this is an AA meeting." Son of a drunk, I was in the wrong meeting. I asked her where Ala-non was, politely stood up, and walked DOWNSTAIRS to where my meeting had already started.

It was actually a pretty funny moment.

Staples

I was FLOATING in our office supply room as I tallied up what I'd be ordering. Generally we place our orders on Wednesdays...but since I couldn't wait to see him, I was putting the order in a day early. Let me tell you, the supply list was LONG.

The next day came, and I may or may not have spent an extra five minutes at the mirror. I played out a tentative plan about what I was going to say to him when he arrived. Seriously people, my crush had transformed me into a giddy school girl.

Around 11am I saw the red shirt out of the corner of my eye. The red shirt that screamed STAPLES...the red shirt that was him! Only, it wasn't him. It was someone else. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice. My boss laughed at me because I sounded like Eeyore when I was talking with the other delivery guy.

I had one saving grace....a supply I had ordered was on BACK ORDER! YAHOO! I was going to have another chance to see him...and since Wednesday was St. Patty's day of COURSE he wouldn't be working!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I had a gut feeling I'd be seeing him....and my gut rarely lies to me. Around 10:30, the door opened and there he was.

Staples "blah blah blah"
Me "Hey, I just realized...I don't know your name. It's not like you have a name plate or wear a name tag....so yeah" (<-- I'm so not smooth..srsly).
Staples "Do other guys wear them?" (looking slightly confused)
Me "You mean staples guys? No...but still"
Staples "My name is N"
Me "Nice to meet you"
N "blah blah blah blah WIFEY" (referring to his wife...)

So yeah. N is married, hence crushing my future dreams with him...come to think of it, I never had a chance to scope out his ring finger because he always wore gloves. I still think he's a really good guy....Now I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate to try to become friends with him. He could have nice, single friends. He could have a single cousin for all I know! What do you think?

Hello Euphoria.

Once a month a sense of euphoria overtakes me. I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything. My confidence level is high, and my attitude is nauseatingly optimistic. This euphoria comes the week AFTER my period, and lasts for about a week, until the PMS monster creeps into my soul....and I realize my euphoria was a facade.

Today, I'm euphoric...but today feels different than other times. I think I feel different today because I finally feel like I'm in control of my life. I finally feel happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. Maybe my depression was seasonal..but looking back at the last five years, I feel like I've been living my life under a dark cloud. Some days I managed to smile, and others I even managed to laugh...but there's rarely a night in the past five years that I've gone to sleep happy and content with my core self.

Sure, I love baby boy. Sure, his love has given me a temporary sense of euphoria (at times)....but being a single mom was NEVER in my life plans, so many nights my false euphoria was clouded by disappointment that I allowed myself to be in a single-fulltime working mom situation.

For the past three months I've taken my life into MY hands. I started out the year by treating myself to a spa day, and haven't stopped being a self advocate since. I even started seeing a counselor to help me sort out internal issues that I feel have contributed to my dark cloud. And now, the cloud I've felt suffocated by has been breaking up...and darnit it feels amazing.

I can look in the mirror and smile. I can take a shower without feeling disgusted about my body (no lie, I've hated taking showers because I've hated getting naked...rest assured, I still bathed..tmi? probably. I digress). I don't feel like a failure anymore because I'm not married. Who knows if I'll ever even WANT to get married. I'm happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing.

Period. The end.

...actually, it's not the end...it's just the beginning.

Introducing...

Staples.

Let me first start out by saying that I am completely in lust. I feel like I am playing out a scene from a movie...where instead of working in a beauty salon, I work in an office...and instead of being smitten over the UPS guy, I'm smitten over the Staples guy. Seriously people, I feel the urge to do the Bend and Snap every time he walks through the door.

Then, I remember I am not a petite blonde little thing (read: Reese Witherspoon), so the caution reenters my sails. Also, I'm quite positive my bend and snap would go awry (read: part in the movie where she breaks his nose with her snap).

I don't know what it is about him. Well...I do know what it is about him...

1. He's gorgeous. He's slightly taller than me, and has a rugged chiseled jaw accompanied by a deep voice. Honestly people, when he walks into our office I lose myself...I can hardly talk, my throat kind of swells up, and I'm sure my face is a million different shades of red (hot, right?).
2. He's a hard worker. He works full time plus is going to class on the side. I think that is absolutely sexy.
3. He loves baseball.
4. He plays summer softball (as do I).

See? Isn't this a PERFECT MATCH?

Wanna hear something funny? I don't even know his name. I've looked for a name tag and to no avail, no name. My mission for this week? Ask him his name the next time he's in the office. Knowing me, I'm sure I'll do or say something redonkulous!!!

Introducing...

Creeper.

I don't think I've shared this story yet...I suppose it seems like more of a doozie in my head than in actual real life.

I wanted to date. Like, really really wanted to date....so I resorted in online dating since my networking pool was slim (read:everyone I knew I couldn't see myself dating, or were in a monogamous relationship).

So, I broke down and joined an online dating website. It wasn't the first time I'd tried online dating..but my perspective felt fresh, and vibrant. I was jumping in feet first.

I don't remember how contact with Creeper began...I THINK I had a super open mind, and decided to accept his request to talk.

The moment I realized he was creepy, I politely and respectfully told him I wasn't interested. He laughed at me via messenger, and then proceeded to ask me how things were at my SPECIFIC APARTMENT BUILDING.

CREEPY!

The dude had googled me, and found out exactly where I lived. Honestly, I went to bed with one eye open that night. The moment after I realized what he had done I googled myself, and removed myself from any and all white pages type sites I could find.

It's people like Creeper that give internet dating, and the internet in general a bad name. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around...I don't even want to imagine what Creeper has coming his way...

Parental Support.

Who would have thought that throwing a kid's birthday party entailed SO. MUCH. WORK.

The cleaning.
The food.
The entertainment.
The decorations.
The timing.

It was worth every sweaty second.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I rarely associate with the parents of baby boys daycare friends. Since our kids are in daycare together, rest assured the parents work mostly full time, and use the weekends for themselves (as do I...so no biggie, really).

Have I mentioned that none of my close friends are parents...let alone single parents...let alone even remotely CLOSE to having children of their own? It's been a big struggle for me. A struggle to find common ground with people who I used to spend countless hours doing random things or drinking our night away at the bars.

Since baby boy has come into my life, I've selfishly wished that I could find parents that I could relate with, hang out with, and confide in. It seems like a simple task....wrong. Let's put it this way (and I know this is going to sound off) but I think it would be easier to raise ten boys at the same time, than to find a group of supportive parents to hang out with. Srsly.

I've looked for parenting groups, and haven't found a single one that I:

1. Feel comfortable attending
2. Fits into my schedule

When it came time for baby boy's birthday party, I invited my niece, our neighbor, and three boys from daycare.

Worrying about finding common ground with the daycare mom's, I sat and wondered, "What could I possibly have in common with two women who are married, and are most definitely more financially stable than I am?!" ...And then our boys walked into the room together.

The light bulb illuminated.

The end of the night.

My stomach ached from long, deep belly laughs. The kind that cleanses your soul. We had walked across the street to partake in a delicious treat of cheese curds (also the kind that warm your soul). Myself, B, and my guy friend E were the three sole survivors of the birthday evening.

A little background...
B has a boyfriend. They are happy, and I am happy for them. B was the sober cab for the night, although she had a couple drinks herself.

E is single, and has been for a while.

At the last bar sitting in a booth I was on one side, B and E were on the other....then it happened. E was sticking his hand on B's leg. B had a look on her face that read "ummmm....seriously?!" My inebriated state called him out immediately.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU KNOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!" The alcohol wouldn't allow me to bottle my frustration.

"Yes, I am well aware" was his immediate response.

My blood boiled.

Now, I know nobody is perfect...however, his response struck a deep nerve with me. A very deep nerve.

See, they're both my friends, just not yet friends with each other. I'm sorry...call me conservative...but if you KNOW someone is in a relationship, you DON'T TRY AND HOOK UP WITH THEM.

Like I said...my birthday, all in all, was a huge success...this was the only blip of the night, and a small blip at that.

I haven't quite decided if I should say anything to E...in fact, I really don't think I'll speak with him for a while, because I follow my mom's golden rule (especially when I'm sober):

"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

The Big Night.

As Friday evening grew near, my excitement began to bubble. Unfortunately, I had come down with a silly nagging cold the previous night...thankfully my adrenaline allowed me to enjoy myself.

The first time I had officially been out on the town in 2010 was NOT going to be hindered by a stuffy nose!

We arrived at a packed bar. The birthday gods that be landed the group a prime spot at the end corner...and the fun ensued. The bar was known for their color themed drinks: Greenies, pupleies, blueies and pinkies. For the most part, they were vodka sours with colored sugar added at the end to make them taste kind of like a sweet tart....did I mention they were DELICIOUS!

Most of the people who showed up were not interested in wearing white t-shirts and partaking in the fun. I (surprisingly enough) didn't let that bother me, and instead found strangers in the bar who WOULD partake.

I happened across a family from the sticks who were out celebrating their 24 year old son's birthday...of course I gave the birthday boy a shirt and OF COURSE he put it on with a smile. My drunken logic asked him if his parents wanted a shirt too...he replied there was NO WAY his dad would wear a shirt. I pranced over to his Pops, fluttered my eyelashes and within 1 second Pops had the shirt on. His son was completely stunned...but loved every second of it.

A lot of inappropriate writing ensued. Many deep, long belly laughs were had. Countless drinks slowly disappeared.

There was one situation that happened at the end of the night that left me extremely irritated...but since the night was mostly a success I'll touch on "that" another post.

A phrase I wasn't familiar with until yesterday.....The people who should've been there showed up.

My Battle.

Daycare was closed today.

I proactively arranged for baby boy to spend the night at grandma's house.....before you get all "aww, that's sweet of grandma", grandma isn't hanging out with him today. A month ago, grandma's bf (aka, my pseudo step-father) had to have a pacemaker installed, and is forced to sit home for a total of eight weeks while his leeds heal in his heart...it sounds serious, which it kind of is.....but he's completely fine now, with only lifting restrictions....I digress.

When I got home from dropping baby boy off, I had the best intentions of being productive..I swear. Enter the couch, the Olympics and a box of lindor truffles.

I don't know why I started devouring them...but I did. I could literally hear them going straight to the spare tire that seems to have formed around my stomach region... I couldn't stop eating them. One by one. The silky smooth chocolate wanted me, and I wanted it.

And then, I felt sick.

Why did I just eat 12 servings worth of chocolate in one sitting? WHO DOES THIS?! (cough::this chick).

I'm not a little girl in the least, and never have been...but the sulking about being alone and single has got to stop. The emotional unconscious stuffing of my face HAS. TO. STOP.

Anyone have any ideas on how I should turn over a healthier leaf? I've got the tools...but the motivation to work out seems to be non existent. Weight loss is something I've NEVER been successful at (mostly because I was so athletic growing up that I never had to worry about my weight...and after I had baby boy the life of my waistline was never the same).

Thoughts from an anal, single 27 year old.

I lay alone, naked, except for my blanket, pillow, small radio and battery operated friend who keep me company. I lay there thinking, yearning really, for a man to be next to me...and then for a brief moment selfishness sweeps over my body.

Do I really want a man to hog the covers?
Do I really want someone to complain about my snoring?
Do I really want to have to tiptoe in the morning because he doesn't have to wake up until 8 or vice versa?

Truth: Yes and No.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life has been really decent lately. I'm still dedicating 2010 to me, and finding myself having small extra peps in my step. Don't get me wrong, life isn't perfect. I am sick of being alone....and the truth at how alone I am is apparent when there are people whom I would call friends who pretty much refuse to make an effort to spend a night on the town with me because they're dating a new guy.

Can I blame them? Not really.

Tonight I'm planning on going out on the town. The night has two great potentials:

1. Trouble.
2. A major disappointment.

Trouble, because I know I'm going to be drinking. A. Lot. I haven't been out drinking since the night before Thanksgiving. My tolerance isn't what it used to be (read:21st birthday including 17 shots in a five hour time period). I've been eager to go out on the town for a while, and have a feeling I might just do or say something that I'll regret.

A major disappointment because I'm worried the mood/atmosphere will be lame. Although, a good friend of mine reminded me that you can't control if other people have fun, you can only control yourself...and while this is true, I always seem to stress if I feel that others aren't having a good time. Certain people aren't coming out which also bums me out (and if they do happen to show up I'm afraid I might be rude to them for being snarky in the first place). Certain people have early morning plans tomorrow, so I'm worried they won't let loose like they would've on another occasion. Certain people don't know each other because I'm friends with different groups of people. This creates a bit of awkward tension because I know everyone is nice...they just don't open up and it kind of sucks.

I know what you're thinking. I'm reading into this WAY TOO MUCH, right? Well...woe is me. I'm a bit of a control freak I suppose. Maybe it's high time I just let go and let the night happen. Maybe.