Monday, May 14, 2012

Vortex of Annoyance?

Some might argue "To be or not to be" is the question.  Me?  I argue about "To sign up for a dating website, or to not sign up for a dating website."

I've done all of the dating websites a couple of times;, yahoo personals, eharmony, even the free okcupid.  Not one has landed me in a substantial relationship.  Sure, I've had some mediocre to HORRIBLE dates....but the entire process felt like a waste of time.

Maybe I'm not made for online dating (?).  Maybe I just haven't had enough patience to meet "the one."  Maybe maybe maybe.....see?  I have no flipping clue what to do or how I should think about online dating.  My emotions are COMPLETELY conflicted.  Not to mention, the ridiculous commercials currently running for eharmony....I can't help but give props to their evil genius marketing group, because (yes) I want to try it out again.

What's a single-full time job holding-college student-parent to do?!  S.O.S.  I will be the first to admit I've come to terms with being single.  It's what I know.  It's kind of my bag, baby.  But I'll secretively whisper within the same breath that I really want to find a guy to date.  I refuse to give up hope that he's out there, and we just need to meet each other when the time is right and POOF!  Instant relationship is born.

Then I mentally revert back to the fact that I am OH SO TOTALLY STUCK IN MY WAYS, which, yes, I KNOW I've mentioned this already...blah blah blah.

Between school, work, single-parenting and gardening...I am confident I could set aside a few couple of nights to a romantic long as he's funny, mildly attractive, and there's a dash of chemistry...but for the love of god I am so damn torn as to how I'm going to actually get myself to a place where I can cross this goal off of my bucket list.

My love life has been trapped in a vicious cycle of annoyance.  I'm going to try to date, I give up on dating, I'm going to try online dating, I'm going to try to date (anyone know any single guys), I give up on dating...rinse, wash, repeat.

I'm all for being a spontaneous idiot, so perhaps I'll sign up tonight and see where the wind blows...then again, I have zero flattering pics of most likely I'll back out and forgetaboutit...or will I?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

My People

At times, talking about negative hurdles constantly facing you seems to be the easiest of things to spout off on.  Being the hopeless optimist that I am, I don't feel like taking the easy route today.  Today, I want to talk about all of the amazing things going on in my life despite facing some hurdles.  Today, I want to talk about some amazing friends.

I've always been the kind of girl who is accepting of most.  I've allowed people into my life who are in no way savory.  I've been blinded by my own kindness, only to find myself stabbed in the back, verbally attacked, or wrapped up in unnecessary drama.  Growing up, it was very difficult for me to realize that people change, and that "change" is an ok thing.  I recall having certain conversations with my mom about a close friend of mine who had been acting like she didn't want to be my friend anymore (for no reason other than she was just growing up and changing) and it was very difficult for me.  I'm an extremely sensitive person, and do my best to put my best self forward for the world to see.  When someone acts out of the norm, and I feel it's unjustified, I was always left with hurt feelings (a normal thing, I digress).

Through my college years, I had a really challenging time establishing a tight knit group.  If you're from MN, the tight knit group is key to always having somewhere to go, and someone to go with (it's a Minnesota-Ice thing). Sure, I had acquaintances, and even a couple of friends I could call on the phone and vent to, but never really fit in with anyone.  I had chosen to be in a relationship, sacrificing sanity for the "couple title" and the fact that all we seemed to do was fight made us very unappealing to hang out with.  I had chosen alcohol to numb my feelings of loneliness and frustration, because there was ALWAYS someone at the bar who wanted to drink too.  And then, the coup de gras....I was 22, single, and pregnant.  The people I had grown to rely on in my red-solo-cup drinking circles kept on keeping on, while I spent my time figuring out how I was going to support myself while raising a baby solo.  I managed to maintain some telephone relationships, but that was really the extent of my friendships until recently.

If you had told me six years ago that I would become friends with my son's friends parents...I would've rolled my eyes and most likely muttered "whatever" inside my head.  I couldn't fathom a time like that coming...until it comes, and slaps me in the face.  I have met a couple of amazing people through having my son.  People that would do anything for me, and people I would do anything for.  I suppose I never realized how important and valuable solid friendships were until I was actually at a point where I sit today; a girl with a few solid friendships.  

My people help keep me grounded.  My people make me laugh.  My people allow me to be me, and don't expect anything in return.  My people are amazing.

I might face a few hurdles now and again (single parent, can't find a decent date to save my soul blah blah blah), but I truly am a lucky lady.  I have an amazing little boy.  I live in a great neighborhood and have provided my son with a solid house to call home.  I have my people.