Christmas Bells Are Ringing.

I was spoiled at Christmas this year.. Truly and utterly spoiled.

My parent splurged on a Wii, a Wii Fit Plus, and the Wii Play (that came with an extra controller)....It is something I have wanted for a couple of years.

Every year my mom asks for a Christmas Wish List. I comply, and the first four things on my list are always as follows:

1. A husband
2. A house
3. A winning lottery ticket
4. A personal trainer

I suppose I can check personal trainer off of my list now...YIPPEE!!

I also received a digital coffee maker...which was definitely an upgrade from my 25 year old Mr. Coffemate maker...I am almost certain I would collect thousands of dollars if I had the old coffee maker appraised at the Antiques Road Show. Seriously.

So, yes. Santa was wonderful to me. Baby boy was also spoiled (as he should be), and aside with witnessing my family consume far too much alcohol, Christmas was darn-near perfect.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmahaunikwanzika. Do you have any fun plans to ring in the new year?

Missing him.

I wanted to call him. My stomach was churning. I felt alone. I missed him.

Mark and I haven't spoken in a long time. In fact, I decided to cut him out my life because our relationship continued to spiral in a vicious circle, never improving.

1. We would be civil with each other.
2. We would spend a lot of time with one another.
3. He would become irritated with me for always wanting to go out and spend money.
4. I would grow irritated with him for being so darn irritable, and never wanted to talk with me. A fight would ensue.
5. We wouldn't talk for a while.
6. Return to step one.

After the discussion with my mom, I felt horrible and completely alone. Disagreeing with your family is a very isolating feeling for me. I love the few friends I have, but they are busy with their own life, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting to them what I had said, or publicizing how I felt about my brother (which is ironic in itself since I'm broadcasting my feelings on the internet without blinking an eye, I digress). The only person I could think about talking to was Mark.

I miss him when life gets hard. I miss the ways he would try to cheer me up in his own goofy way. I miss the good times we shared with one another, but know the negative animosity we also shared is too strong for me to return to him. As much fun as we had together, we were poison when combined, and for this reason, I resisted my urge to call.

Part 2 of 2

"Your brother is going to be sent to Afghanistan in April instead of September. We aren't going to act all goofy about it. It is what it is."

Her words sounded confident.

I hadn't really opened up with her about my feelings towards my brother. I felt like this was my opportunity to let my mom know how I was feeling.

"Mom, to be quite honest, I don't know how to react to that kind of news. I've made myself extremely clear since the moment he enlisted that I was not happy about it. It was always a strong possibility he'd be sent to a war zone, and was even more apparent after Obama's speech the other week. I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I already feel like my brother is dead to me, so how do you expect me to act when you tell me something like that."

I wish I could swallow those words back up because what happened next completely broke my heart.

She lost it.

I asked her if I had to bring her down to the psych ward, because before I chose to blurt out those awful words she was fine.

Where did those words and thoughts come from? Months of pent up anger, resentment, and disgust towards myself and my brother for our non-existent relationship. Months of having to bottle those feelings up when I spoke with my mom because she REFUSED to allow me to talk with her about my dissolving relationship with her son.

The tears I have cried because of that boy could fill the Mississippi.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT TO ME!!!"

"Mom, I'm not saying I want him dead...I'm saying that my relationship with him is gone. Over. Done with. He's non-existent to me, and I'm non-existent to him. It's not like this happened yesterday, mom. This has been going on for a long time, and you've refused to talk with me about it."

"I TRIED TO FIX THINGS BUT YOU REFUSED" she sobbed. (she demanded I attend a "mandatory family meeting" at her place, and I declined because I felt like it was going to be too hostile, unproductive, and awful...I refused to subject myself to walking in on a firing squad).

I explained myself and my feelings again..but at that point, the word of death was the only thing running through her head. She was mentally checked out of any conversation thereafter.

I feel so guilty that those words flowed out of me so easily...but I can't change my feelings about him. He's no different to me than a stranger on the streets. How am I affected if his life is over? I'm not. My son is short a father, and has been short an uncle since before he was born.

+++++++++++++++++++

Side note: I am not a soldier hater. I am not anti-military. I am, however, against my brother deciding the military was his only option at succeeding in life. I think it was a cop out. I think my brother could change the world if he really set his mind to it, and I felt like cornering himself into the military was an easy way out....and it annoyed me. I also don't understand why a person who has a child in this world would enlist, when the possibility of death is so great.

I love my brother...and maybe my love for him hurts too much because of all of the animosity between the two of us. We don't talk. We don't know each other....and that sucks.

I'm sure conservatives will have a hay-day with my thoughts and feelings on my brother. I'm not saying they're right, and I'm not saying they're wrong...but my feelings are my feelings...you can disagree with my feelings, but they won't change (at least not today).

Part one of Two

Embarrassed.
Sad.
Angry.
Annoyed.
Scared.

My brother and I haven't had much of a relationship for a long time now. We're different. We don't get along well, and never have. About four years ago he enlisted in the Navy.

I was livid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...he was choosing to be "responsible" for ONCE in his life. However, I am still upset with him that signing up for the military was the only option he foresaw that would force him to clean up his life for the sake of his small daughter (who was just a baby at the time he enlisted). In my eyes, having a child should have been reason enough for him to stop using drugs. Having a child should have been reason enough to stay home at night instead of running around town at night. Having a child should have been enough motivation to keep a full-time job so he could provide and watch his daughter grow up....But those weren't strong enough motivating factors in his life to stay sober...All the boy could breath was the military.

I was proud to hear he was on the straight and narrow.....but if you ask me, I think his straight and narrow is a facade because when he comes home on leave, he's a wreck loose.

When he's home, all the kid wants to do is run with his crew. Drink. Be "social." Run around town all night. Sleep all day.

I get it..he's on "vacation". Whatever. He's irresponsible, and his actions make me think that he's still the same manipulative druggie he was six years ago. I'm through buying his "good guy" act.

So...where is all of this back story going?

Last night, I called my mom to tell her I scheduled a massage for myself on Thursday night. A second into the telephone conversation she told me my brother was going to Afghanistan in April. Her exact words were "We aren't going to get all goofy about this. He's going. It is what it is."

She sounded strong. I felt like I could talk with her, and be honest.

I was wrong.

Me.

Does one really survive single? Meh. Who knows anymore.

This chick, right here, needs the touch of a man. An endearing, electric, sensual, committed, healthy, stable touch of a man. Since the combination of the previous does not exist in one man, maybe I need the touch of men (?).....hahahaha...no, one man will do.

I still don't know who He will be.
I still don't know if I'll ever find Him.
Only time will tell.

With the dawn of the grey, cold and dull season (otherwise known as winter), I've found myself slightly more rejuvenated than I have been in years past.

I don't have a man to thank for this...I have myself, and my will to live each day as if it were my last.

I'm beginning to think that my life will be spent alone +1. I'm beginning to make peace with that. I don't even know if I'll have time for Him if He were to walk into my life at this moment. I spend Monday through Thursday working, and taking care of baby boy. Friday I spend at the office, but my Friday evening through Sunday evening are busy almost every weekend. There is always laundry to do, my baby boy to play with, an errand to run here and a tank of gas to fill up there.

Is this me giving up on men? Not at all. I still yearn for the touch and smell of Him. This is me deciding life is too short to spend time constantly looking around and wondering when we'll meet each other.

WARNING! VERY SCATTERBRAINED POST AHEAD!

Chemistry = Passion (C=P).

I've recently met someone new, but I have a problem...I don't feel like I have a lot of chemistry with him. Sure, he's good looking. Sure, I think he's attractive. But there's something missing. A certain spark, if you will. I'm bothered because I'm having such a difficult time pinpointing the issue.

I can't decided if the chemistry is lacking because he's such a nice guy. Most of the men I've attempted to date in the past I've had a spark with. However, all of those sparks happened BEFORE I had a child. This is the first really nice guy I've met since having a child. Am I holding myself back?

Another catch? We've known each other since we were in diapers....but hadn't seen each other in over ten years. I'll be honest when I tell you how nervous I am to put this information out on the internet...I would never, in a million years, want to hurt his feelings.

A third catch? I'm not quite sure what the point of us hanging out is. Are we hanging out as JUST friends? Does he want to actually date? Does he feel the same way I do? Do I bring it up to him?

We've only hung out twice (once at night*, which started and ended with a hug), and once in the afternoon** (where baby boy was present....I allowed the exception since he's known me for such a long time, otherwise, I refuse to introduce baby boy to a man I'm dating...at least until I'm certain he'll be sticking around) (which ended with TWO goodbye hugs....kind of odd if you ask me).

Am I over analyzing this? YES! I can't help it. Seriously.

Now, this next bit of info makes me uneasy to admit....BUT, is settling the right thing to do if the relationship (dating or otherwise) lacks passion? I feel like I want and need more. I know none of my past relationships have worked, and that the start of this relationship feels SO MUCH DIFFERENT than my past failed attempts...and different isn't bad...but in this instance I don't feel like lack of passion is something I'm willing to compromise.

What to do...what to do! (hmph).

*we split all tabs...went to three different bars...played nintendo, laughed a bit, caught up....but again, I didn't feel any sparks.

**he came over to watch a football game.

Jealous. Resentful. Sexually frustrated.

Those are three not-so-positive things that seem to be encompassing my mood lately.

B$, a longtime friend of mine, has met the man of her dreams. They met three weeks ago, and in that time they've become a dreaded "we."

In case you're unfamiliar, a "we" person is one whose identity shifts from being independent, to being completely dependent. Instead of making independent decisions, a "we" person replaces the word "I" with "we." Friends ignore phone calls because they're spending time talking (non-stop) with their new beau. Plans are left up in the air because they aren't quite sure if the "we" has made a prior commitment...you get my drift? Yeah, it's not so much fun for those of us (read:ME) who aren't included in the "we."

Prior to meeting Mr. Right, B$ had been single all of nine months. In that time, the two of us related the way only single girls know how....we went out to group happy hours together, chatted, and would spontaneously hang out because everyone around us were in a relationships....

Now-a-days, I feel like I've lost a friend to the world of the "relationship"..and it's totally bumming me out.

Granted, this has nothing to do with my sexual frustration which is inevitable because woe is me.

I'm jealous that she became a "we", abandoning one of her long-time single friends*. I'm resentful that my life choices have lead me to becoming a single mother sans Mr. Right.

I've always been a hopeless romantic..but these days I'm beginning to become more and more hopeless...sans the romance. There's still a light inside of me that knows it'll be my turn, soon enough. I can't help but witness the light fade, ever so slightly, with each day that passes.

*something that torments me is I'm actually VERY happy for her...I'm just disgruntled at the time being because adjusting to a change like this is tough for me to digest.

Random Blabberings...

Allergies are really cramping my style (not really, but mostly). The weekend was marvelously beautiful...and what did this chick do about it? Nothing. She did laundry, watched a few movies from the redbox, and sat idly alone (and by alone I mean just myself and baby boy). It was a (much needed) quiet weekend. I attempted to make plans with people last Thursday, but was met with resistance. So, in lieu of harassing calling people continuously, I just did my thang (e.g. laundry, cooking, KIND OF cleaning, watching movies after baby boy was in bed).

Now, I'm not complaining in the least (well, that's a bit of a lie, because I AM), but I don't like not having things to do, or people to hang out with. I'm fairly certain the highlight of my weekend was a spontaneous call from B$ around 9:15 on Sunday night asking if she could swing by. My place was a mess, but I welcomed the company.

I get slightly bummed when I find out via shut-your-facebook that those I asked to hang out prior to the weekend had made plans with one another and excluded me. (read: smallest violin player playing the saddest song just.for.me).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, I'm over it.

Guess this girl is gonna keep fakin it until I make it (or at least until I find a group of people who like me, just as I am....).


p.s. Kind of still wish I could hear from Alaska...hmph.

Daddy.

The boys of my past have forced my mind to churn into overdrive.

Why haven't I been able to find Mr. Right instead of always settling with Mr. Right Now?

Why do I get so hung up on Mr. Right Now?

Am I REALLY psycho-chick that most men typically avoid?

...and the list goes on.

I realized that I've always been lacking one key component of my life. An attentive father. Don't get me wrong, I know my dad has a great heart and I know he loves me...he just has a HORRIBLE way of showing it (as far as I'm concerned).

A little bit about him (since I can tell you're all DYING to know)...

• He's a Vietnam vet, where he did a few tours, and drove a tank
• His own father died of a heart attack when my dad was seven
• He's a twin (paternal)
• I'm fairly certain he has OCD, and it always takes mysterious forms like photography, golf, tai kwon do, etc.
• He is the first man in his family (along with his twin) to live to see his 60th birthday
• He used to be obsessed with being a great father...then he moved onto to something else.

My father has a difficult time expressing his emotions. I think that's why I'm so darn emotional! I've felt compelled to spew emotion in the hopes of getting something back in return (which I think is kind of sad, I digress).

SO...Fast forward to present day....Along comes a man. He seems interested in me, and I give him the "do me eyes" and it's a done deal....for one night. I really need to work on forcing a man to work. I need to have more confidence that all men are NOT like my father. Some men actually will talk to me for more than just one night...I know it to be true because I've seen it happen with other girlfriends of mine...girlfriends who are now married.

So yeah..that's probably more about my mentally effed up mind than you would care to know...since when am I one to hold back? Never.

Wow.

Yesterday HAD to be a full moon. My mood was up, then down, then kinda up, then REALLY down. I couldn't blame my mood swings on pms, but more or less bottling up my feelings of dating frustration...and having the bottle explode in my face.

I'm alone, and I've been telling myself that it's alright to be alone (which it is...) but in reality, I'm SICK of being alone.

I'm tired of not having someone to share life's moments with.

I'm frustrated that I let men into my life and that they only seem to stick around for one night.

I'm jealous that everyone around me is finding their "one."

I want to wake up next to a sleeping, gentle soul...who is just as much into me as I am into him.

After a few conversations with some great friends, I began snapping out of my mood-roller coaster. Laying in bed, I realized how many people I've actually attempted to date, or made-out with in the past few years....and to be honest...it's kind of a lot!

Alaska, California, Chi-Town, Country Boy, Tall Boy, Penny....and the list goes on!

I still stand by my opinion that I'm a pretty awesome chick. I still believe (in my heart of hearts) that I'm worth the trouble to some man out there. I mean, I love beer, football (most professional sports, for that matter...), cooking and laughing...really? What more is there to want?!

I think I am the epitome of a broken road....I know it will lead me to him eventually, so I should quit my bitchin' already and learn from the potholes.

Life is too short to spend it crying.

Some details.

On the wedding night the alcohol was freely flowing. The mood was overcome with happiness and joy, it was ALMOST surreal. A few shots here, a few more shots there, mixed with some vodka tonics and I was feeling really good.

After realizing Alaska was single, I was more forthcoming in exchanging glances with him. Have I mentioned his eyes gave me the butterflies?!

As the night progressed, he became more comfortable on the dance floor. Before I knew it, we were dancing together....a lot.

The band was very upbeat. They did covers of fun bands from the 80's and 90's...even doing an awesome Santeria cover by Sublime.

The night literally was a whirlwind. I'm convinced mixing large quantities of alcohol with crazy dance moves generated enough heat to push me past my normal intoxication threshold (not to mention my insane intoxication for Alaska, I digress).

I really hope I get a chance to speak with him, because some moments from the night are a bit hazy...like the moment we decided to go back to his hotel room. I have no idea how or who brought that up (it could've been him, but it could've been me...yeah, I've got a bit of a naughty side...).

At the time we disappeared up to his room, I wasn't aware that he was sharing the king-sized bed room with a former hockey teammate....until the door opened when we were smack dab in the middle of a fairly intense make-out session.

Since we were interrupted (and, as far as I was concerned, not finished making out) we did what any heavily intoxicated would do! We locked ourselves in the bathroom. Little did we realize (or care) that the hockey dude and the two girls he brought up to the room to hang out with him were wasted, and would need to pee about every five minutes. We were too focused on each other to notice...and it was awesome.

Unbenounced to us, the three clowns locked out of the bathroom were being very loud and obnoxious. Security was called, and came-a-knockin. The bathroom door was unlocked, and we (the five of us) ended up in the downstairs empty banquet room, where we could be as loud as we wanted to be. It was nice of the hotel to give us a space to be loud, considering the alternative would've been to kick us out altogether.

As we were sitting around, playing poker with naked-man-cards, the two girls who were hanging out became quite offensive, saying horribly rude comments about "ginger's" (apparently that's some sort of slang for a red head...I hadn't heard it before that night, but it didn't take me long to realize that it was mean...and I had the feeling it was directed towards me...), and then made some off the wall comments about politics. I knew I had to get myself out of there, because the last thing I wanted (or needed) was a verbal fist-fight with two incompetent drunks. I put my arms around Alaska, and told him we should go back to the room. He said "in a minute," so I continued to rub his back, holding onto my last bit of patience.

We ended up in his room. I ended up falling for him.

I know, I know....why the eff would I fall for a guy who:

1. lives in the US, but is literally a COUNTRY away from me
2. is basically a drunk hook-up

...Your guess is as good as mine.

All I can tell you for certain is I haven't stopped brainstorming for a way to see or talk with him again.

p.s. whilst laying in the king sized bed together, his former hockey teammate waltzed in, stripped to his boxers, and hopped into bed next to us...UNDER THE COVERS. Yeah...I guess that's how Hockey boys roll...and that's also the main reason why I was unable to exchange numbers with him. Hmph.

p.p.s. is Unbenounced even a word?!

Introducing...

Alaska.

A friend that I've known for fifteen years was set to get married this past weekend, and I was honored to be a part of her bridal party.

This was the first wedding I've ever participated in....I kept referring to it as my "First Rodeo."

There's something magical about weddings, especially (as I've come to know) when the person/people getting married are amazing friends, and are exploding with happiness.

By no means was the bride a "bridezilla." She did everything in her powers to make the day simple for her bridal party, and even had two professional hair and makeup artists come to her house to help beautify us.

The wedding party was a biggie. Six bridesmaids, six groomsmen, a junior bridesmaid, and two ushers.

I was the only "single" bridesmaid.

I had zero intentions on scoping out for a guy the night of her wedding. I pretty much knew everyone in attendance (or so I thought)...I mean, I've known the bride since I was in fifth grade, and the couple have been dating for almost eight years. I had EVERY intention on tearing up the dance floor, laughing, and having a great time. Immediately following the 25 minute ceremony, the girls and I headed to a hotel room to partake in a few shots while the the bride and groom were in the receiving line.

The drinks were flowing. Laughs were being had...exactly like I had planned.

I was mostly familiar with the groomsmen. Three of the guys went to college with the groom (two of which flew in from out of town), and played hockey together while in school. Two of the guys were brothers of the groom, and the last guy was a high school friend (who was dating someone I know).

Our table was a large oval, which was pretty cool because that allowed us to talk with one another, instead of having a super long table. Alaska was two seats away. He was tall, quiet, and had amazing blue eyes. (I was smitten from the moment I had re-introduced myself the night before at the rehearsal dinner, I digress). Someone in the bridal party asked Alaska if he was single....and to my surprise he was. At that moment I'm pretty sure I did one of two things:

1. dropped my jaw due to my complete surprise
2. was overcome with a nervous smile because my internal dialogue shouted out "YESSSSSSSSS!" quite similarly to Napoleon Dynamite
3. also couldn't stop internally repeating "oooh! You can see Russia from your front porch dontchya know?!"...Thanks Palin.

Once the music started blasting I took the dance floor with the bride. As time passed, more of us collected on the dance floor, being silly and having an all-out good time. Alaska and the hockey boys lingered on the side, sipping drinks and observing...

I couldn't let those boys stand around..so I coerced them onto the floor. Before I knew it, Alaska and I were dancing. Shortly after that, we were up in his hotel room. I know that sounds horrible...but I just couldn't help myself. He was hot. He was single. He was (mostly likely) wasted (as was I). BUT STILL!

More details to come....

Introducing...

Penny.



In the beginning of the summer I decided to play hostess, and invite people over for a BBQ. I was feeling frustrated and left out of adult activities since finding and arranging for a sitter was such a challenge. My thoughts of inviting people over were simple: No sitter needed, and everyone would know that baby boy would be involved because DUH!



The evening of the BBQ arrived and OF COURSE it rained (note: Minnesota is currently in a pretty severe drought...thanks Mother Nature for peeing on my party, I digress). The crowd was decent...about eight to ten of us...all standing outside by a small charcoal grill, gathered under five umbrellas. B$ brought two guy friends with her, which was welcomed and encouraged.



He had a quiet complexity about him. It's tough to put my finger on what exactly drew me to Penny, but consider me drawn.

We tried meeting up for coffee, but the universe was completely against us. Either he came down with bronchitis or I couldn't line up a sitter.



Penny was in a band, and was the reason I met Chi-Town (as we were out seeing his band play at the time...). The night of Penny's show, I saw a side of him that I knew wouldn't fit with me. He loves the wacky tobackie...and I'm just not that into a lifestyle that entails that. Not that it's wrong, but it's slightly inappropriate when raising children is involved (that's just my prudish two cents though).



I saw Penny over the weekend and a couple of my friends pulled me aside and said "wow...he is REALLY into you." I was a bit shocked, and didn't fully believe them. I guess he was staring at me for long periods of time...and that was enough for them to think he was into me. I thought "huh" and went along with having fun the rest of the night.

Come 1am the party made its way into the damp backyard (of course it had monsoon-ed earlier that night...and we're still in a drought...go figure) to B$'s trampoline. It was wet, and it was awesome....and I may or may not have been jumping in a dress (I was slightly intoxicated, plus the only light to expose me was that of the moon...and what better light, right?).

I hopped off of the tramp, and stood next to Penny. We brushed up next to each other a few times. Internally I was giggling.

The next thing I knew, Penny said "We're gonna take off" and with that, he was gone. If that's not a clear cut message saying "I'm just not that into you" I don't know what is.

All in all, Penny's a nice guy. No hard feelings (hahaha, no pun intended).

Introducing...

Chi-Town.

It was my second free Friday of wedding season. I had dropped baby boy off with my mother, and was faced with endless possibilities of what I could do with my free Friday night. Earlier in the day I had been overcome with a horrible migraine. The only way for me to get rid of migraines is to sleep...so sleep was option number 1.

Option 2 came in the form of seeing live music. A friend of a friend had a band that was playing at a local dive bar. I don't get a chance to hit up the local dive bar scenes, especially to see live music, very often.

I chose option 2.

The weather was eerily stormy. Minnesota is in the midst of a pretty intense drought, hence any form of precipitation completely caught me off guard.

When we walked through the doors, a man in a yellow-gold shirt caught my eye.

Tall -> Check.
Proper Hygene -> Check.
Lack of wedding ring -> Check.

Enter: his guy friend....Not gonna lie, the second I saw He was with another guy (without any girls in the picture) I jumped to the conclusion that he was Gay. Yeah, I'm going to hell and that was extremely closed minded of me...but hey, I was just doing my best to keep it real and not waste my time.

The girl I was out with, B$, immediately had her eyes on his friend (it's amazing how some things work out!).

Before long, B$, myself, and the two boys were talking. Yellow shirt was from Chicago (Chi-Town), and was a HUGE White Sox fan (I told him I was sorry to hear that..hehe). The only awkward thing about our first conversation was he immediately said "Well..I kind of have an ex, kind of not...I don't know, it's really confusing."

The boys hung out with me and B$ the rest of the night, engaging us in a couple of games of Foosball, and even helping me win a silly stuffed animal in a claw machine. They came with us to a different bar where talking was a lot easier to do. We invited them to B$'s house (which is quite out of character for us to do), and told them they could come over only if they picked up White Castle.

An hour later, they arrived at the house with White Castle in tote (it was awesome and adorable).

Soon after we were done mowing down, B$ and her beau found themselves engaged in a kiss/mini make out session (which was cool...but left me and Chi-Town in a bit of an awkward position).

I could sense the awkwardness so I did what I do best, and had us go to a different area of the house where we wouldn't have to worry about interrupting anyone. We drank, we sat, we talked.

He had been in a 5 1/2 year relationship. He had moved to Minnesota for her. She moved out on him about five months ago. He really didn't divulge too many details..and I wasn't looking for them. All I knew was it was wonderful to hang out with a guy one on one, no pressure, just good and light hearted conversation.

I hadn't mentioned my single-mom status, but referenced how I know what it's like to feel like you have baggage (referring to his mental baggage, and my "with child" baggage). He asked me to elaborate, and I'm not one to lie so I told him an abridged version of my current life situation. He sat. He listened.

I found out his age, which threw me by surprise because he was nine years older than me, but didn't look it in the least.

As the hours passed we ended up in B$'s spare bedroom (no worries, we didn't sleep together, remove any clothing...we literally were wiped out looking for a place to crash). We laid on her small twin bed, him on his back, myself on my stomach looking up at him. He was adorable. He was comfortable.

We couldn't decide if we should try to sleep in the twin bed, or try to sleep on the floor. By this time, the sun had been up for a couple of hours, and sleep was desperately needed. After moving to the floor the bed was definitely the best option. As we were about to get back onto the small bed, it happened. He went in for a kiss, and I happily obliged.

It felt amazing to feel a man's lips on mine. My head fit right into the nape of his neck. I'm not sure where his motives came from, and believe you me I've been analyzing every second of it!

• Did he kiss me out of convenience?
• Did he kiss me because he was actually interested in me?
• Did he kiss me to prove to himself that he still had it?

...I can't be too sure.

Me, being the most un-suave person I know, never managed to get his phone number. Thank god for B$, as she got his friend's name and number.

I don't know if anything will come of Chi-Town. I haven't even been pining over him like I typically do over most men that cross my path. I think I'm being realistic with him. The cards don't seem to be playing out in my favor, but I'd be darn tootin happy if he proved me wrong and made another move. A girl can only dream.

I continue...

...to survive.

I haven't been around much lately because there hasn't been much to share.

I'm still single. I'm still surviving. Sounds kind of boring, eh?

I guess a bit of new news is I've actually had a few Fridays to myself the past three weekends. See, it's wedding season in my world. In six weeks time I had/have to attend two bachelorette parties, two weddings and one bridal shower.

In the beginning of wedding season, I told my mother about the dates I would need help with baby boy. She responded by stating she would take baby boy every weekend I had a wedding event from Friday to Sunday (knowing full well that all of my wedding events aside from the wedding I'm actually in took place on a Saturday...sounds too good to be true...and it was...but I'm not here to chat about the struggles with my mom. I digress.)

In lieu of staying home on my free Friday's off, I spent time hanging out with some good friends. I crossed paths with different people, and even kissed a boy. Even with all of the freedom I was gifted I ran into the same road blocks. I haven't met a guy willing to date me.

Wah, wah..poor me!

Does anyone have any pointers for me? I need to learn how to full hearted attract the opposite sex. How can this mama bring sexy back? Is there a manual available that can guide me in the right direction?

The return of...

California.

Friday night had come, and I had plans to be responsible. I was running my very first 5k in the morning, and knew I needed a good night's sleep. I got baby boy to sleep around 8, and settled in on the couch to watch some television. It was my way of winding down so I could turn in early. Around ten, baby boy had a bad dream as I could hear him whining. I turned the television off, and comforted baby boy back to a peaceful sleep. I decided this was a sign I should go to sleep myself. I crawled into bed, and tried to stop my head from obsessing about the day to come.

Forty five minutes later, baby boy was standing next to my bed asking for water. I sent him back to bed, but not before making him use the potty and filling his cup up for him. And back to bed I went, this time muttering to myself that I NEED TO GET A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY!

It didn't take long before I was out like a light. While dreaming, I heard my phone ring. Honestly, at first I thought it was part of my dream, but then I realized my phone was actually ringing. I looked at the caller, and it read "Restricted." Being in the groggy state I was in, I answered.

Me: "hello"
Him: "uh....hi. Is this Stacy?"
Me: "Yes, who is this?"
Him: "uh...I might have the wrong number. Did you used to live in ____(he named my apartment complex)?"
Me: (thinking CREEPY...WHO IS THIS GUY?!) "Yes, who IS this?" By this time I was wide awake, my mind racing as I was trying to figure out who I was talking with.
Him: "Maybe I have the wrong number. My name is California"
Me: "California? California who?"
Him: "California Smith"
Me: (thinking...Smith? That sounds like a bogus name....who IS THIS GUY?!) "I'm sorry...how do I know you?"
Him: "Well...we met two years ago....you came over when I was outside partying with my brother"

And then it hit me. I was talking to California.

I can't believe he still had my number. I had long erased his because I had long ago lost hope that I would ever speak with him again. I mean, the guy lives in California, a state I have never been to, nor do I see myself traveling there anytime soon.

He went onto tell me some very nice lines. He is coming back to visit in June. "I never forget a beautiful Irish girl" were phrases he kept repeating. He spoke as if he was in love with a figment of me....\I do not view myself as gorgeous, pretty or anything closely related. I was flattered by his words, but am still having a difficult time fathoming how he could have such "intense feelings" for me when we haven't seen or spoken to each other in two years. CA also said he had a lot of people to visit while he was back here, and he'd love it if I came out with him...perhaps being his date.

I don't know. As nice as he sounds, I am COMPLETELY skeptical. If he calls again will I oblige and agree to go out with him? Sure. Do I think anything will come of this? Probably not. The most I feel I will get out of this is a good story...so I guess that's something for y'all to look forward to!

ps. in case y'all were interested...I managed to sleep the rest of the night...AND run/walk (or as I like to say ralk) the 5k the next day! I finished twenty seconds over my goal of 45 minutes...not too shabby for a girl who didn't train a minute, if I might say so myself!!

Introducing...

California (CA)

I had been drinking heavily at a friend's house. She had been hosting a White Trash party, so OF COURSE I showed up looking the part, with 40's in tote. Before I knew it, I was being driven home. I knew I didn't want the night to end. Having a sleeping sixteen month old waiting for me at home, I rarely had the opportunity to go out and let loose. As the car door shut in front of my building, I heard voices. There were people having a party...about fifty feet from my front door (SCORE).

I tip toed over and casually introduced my drunk self. See, back in the day, I used to do this kind of thing all of the time. I thrived on being random. However, since becoming a single mom, I was forced to live a responsible life of schedule. The opportunity to be spontaneous this particular night was not evaded in the least. After establishing myself with the small gathering of people, I returned to my house to relieve the babysitter (not mentioning the people I had waiting for me to come back...). The moment the babysitter vacated, I tip toed back across my front yard to my new friends. I didn't feel TOO guilty because:

1. I was intoxicated.
2. I was at MOST 100 feet away from my apartment, and baby boy had been sleeping through the night regularly.
3. I was intoxicated.
4. I didn't plan on staying out long..just long enough to have fun, random interactions with complete strangers.

There, I met CA. He was a couple of inches taller than me. He had a six o'clock shadow. He was a year or two older. He had "bad boy" written all over his face. I was engaged at hello.

We had fairly good chemistry between the two of us. I don't think we ever ran out of things to talk about. Sure, there were moments of silence...but it was a good silence. A comforting silence. I informed him I had a sleeping child inside, and that it wasn't right for me to be so far away from him..he obliged, and we made our way to a swing that sits next to my building, ten feet from baby boy's window (which was wide open since it was the middle of summer).

The two of us sat swinging, side by side, looking up at the dark starry sky. Eventually, we made our way inside of my place. The night ended with a fun, dirty romp session as the sun was about to rise. He took my number, but I knew I wouldn't hear from him again. He was only here visiting family, and was returning to California.

For a few months, there were butterflies in my stomach every time I stepped foot outside my building. I could see the steps of where the party was hosted. It never failed to bring back the memories of the fun drunk and random night that I met him. The butterflies eventually faded. I would go onto remember the night, but as time passed I began to view that night as just a mark in my past, shaking my head and thinking to myself how "young and silly I was back then..."

Dear Dad,

Sorry I forgot to call you back. There are only two times during my day where I feel competent enough to talk on the phone (after I drop baby boy off in the morning, and on my drive to pick him up in the evening). Last night, we spoke when I was on my way to pick him up. Once I had him, since we weren't able to line anything up during our conversation, all of my attention was devoted to him hence I forgot to call you. As for having plans last night.

Yes, originally when we spoke on Sunday I had tentative plans to meet a few girls for dinner. However, I cannot financially afford to do so, so I cancelled.

I apologize if I have seemed short lately. I rarely get a break from my life. Many times I have so many things going on that I can hardly think straight. Between your son who never fails to irritate me, your ex-wife who has good intentions but at times is very hurtful and me being the only consistent adult family member in baby boy's life, my plate is overflowing with frustration.

I would invite you over, but I don't like socializing in my house when it's a mess because I feel it's distracting. Besides, everytime I've had you over, you literally fall asleep in front of my face, and I take it personally and become offended.

I can't read your mind. Most times I feel like I'm a giant failure in your eyes especially because I never receive invites to do ANYTHING with you. I try and communicate what I'm thinking as best I can and when I'm met with sarcasm such as "Is EVERYONE supposed to know where Central Park is?" my feelings are hurt. I'm trying to go out of my way to celebrate the fact that you and your twin brother turned 60 (because frankly, it's a really big deal if not to you, to me). Is it adding to my stress when I'm met with sarcasm from you? Of course. Does it make me feel like my efforts are unappreciated? Yes. Your party is tomorrow, at the location we discussed last night. I will be running the Armed Forces 5k in the morning, and taking baby boy to a 4th birthday party after. I should be to your party (you know, the one that I organized for you) by 2.

Well...I think this has been enough of an eyefull. Hope you're having a good friday. I plan on seeing you tomorrow, please let me know if something changes.

I feel defeated.

In terms of being a single person, I feel completely defeated. I always seem to attract losers, and nary get an a call from someone I know saying they've met someone for me. This makes me sad. I don't know how to put myself out there for the good guys to find me. I am clueless.

I sit, and watch most of the single people I know. They have dated so many more people than I have. Shared so many more experiences. They've been the one that men eye first. While I'm happy for their experiences, I sit and wonder "why can't that be me?"

It's not that I want someone to do the work for me, but I want to be the one that men desire to be with. It's been a looooooong time since I've felt desired by a man about five plus years in all honesty). I can't figure out what I'm doing to deter men from wanting to get to know me, or wanting to hang out with me.

I miss the feeling of a man's touch.

I miss feeling needed and wanted in a passionate way.

I feel as if I need a dating coach to teach me how to attract Mr. Right. Sad, isn't it? I don't understand why I don't feel wired to be attractive. Maybe my self doubt comes from years of watching others find their special someone...while I sit in the background alone.

I know I've said that I'm happy with my life, and I am. I feel like I have old wounds reopened and salt poured into them everytime I meet a single guy, and find out a week later that said single guy has started dating someone I know. It sucks because it seems to happen about once a month, and as happy as I am for my friends, I'm ready for it to be my turn.

Update

Life, up to date:

1) Still single
2) Still wish I wasn't
3) Beginning to slowly realize being single isn't at bad as I always make it out to be
4) I have a great appreciation for AA batteries
5) I have spent many hours this week cooking delicious meals, and equal hours enjoying said meals
6) I've got a short work week ahead of me, and have plans to take a fun day trip!!
7) Have re-realized that baby boys laughter is the most heartwarming noise I've ever laid ears on
8) As often as I've felt alone, I've managed to remind myself that life is mostly about attitude and choice
9) I now choose to be happy, even in the face of frustration
10) I've always felt like a mixture of Bridget Jones and that chick from Jerry McGuire. One could only be so lucky!! I've got a great life, awesome baby boy, and my health.. I don't need a psycho Tom Cruise in my life...now, a sexy British man? Yeah, I'll keep dreaming about that one!

Yes, a bullet post is slightly week and boring...but it encompasses my life as of late: kinda boring, a huge contradiction with moments of awesomeness. How have things been in your world?

I Shake My Fist

Here's my qualm with online dating....

It makes me lose hope.

One second I feel like I can do this dating thing. I feel like any man would be lucky to have me in their life. I take this confidence, and reapproach the online dating world...and I'm always met with rejection.

I've been trying my hand in the dating world for almost three years. I resorted to online dating because I've been stuck at home 99% of my evenings due to being a single parent. Key words: single parent (single->want a man in my life. parent-> man repellent).

I've gone back and forth about including the single parent label in my online dating profile. I want men to get to know me for me....but at the same time, when I've excluded this information I feel as if I've mislead these men due to their response (which almost ALWAYS entails "oh" followed by awkward silence followed by the sudden halt of emails/contact).

Most recently, when I was overtaken by the urge to start backup in the online dating world, I felt confident I would find decent, upstanding, responsible, respectable men. What have I found? All of the above...there's just one little bitty issue....None of them are interested in me. Nada.

How do I know this? Because my inbox is continuously flooded with "Keep looking, he's just not interested in you." In the words of Tony the Tiger...that's Grrrrrrrrrrrreat (insert an insane amount of sarcasm here).

My faith in finding mr. right was questioned intensely today when a man I've had a semi crush on for a while happened to stumble on my profile. Now, this is a man with whom has dated two girls that I know (one of which I set him up with because he's a great guy, she is a great girl, and I wanted them both to be happy...turns out, they didn't click).

I'm tired. It's late. I've been back in the online dating world for three days and I've already lost hope. I can't stop thinking about wanting a man in my life and I'm absolutely convinced this want is driving me crazy. I'm off to sleep now, where I'll most certainly dream of what it feels like to be touched...because lord knows dreaming is as close as this mama is going to get for a long, long time (insert eeyore tone here).

Hope.

I've got a confession to make. In lieu of putting myself on a strict anti-spending budget I was duped into spending roughly 60 dollars this weekend...on match.com. I know why I did it, and it really is a pathetic reason.

Hope.

I'm still in a dating lull. I don't have friends setting me up or introducing me to new people, and I rarely have the opportunity to venture out on my own to meet men.

I dabbled on this website over a year ago, and to no avail was not matched with any blog-worthy dates. I just don't see what my other options are aside from staying single..and between you and me, I miss the feel, smell and taste of a man.

I've had many profile hits too...but on my match profile I've been very upfront about being a single mom, including a couple of pics of myself and my son at sporting events...I've immediately been met with resistance because here in Minnesota, you've got to be perfect (read no children) to be deemed datable.

At first my hope of finding a great man or two to date via this website was strong. I had over 300 profile views in three days...

Now that I've received a handful of "thanks but no thanks" emails, my hope has dwindled a bit. On Saturday night, I found myself watching a chick flick alone. I cried when I saw the characters on my television find love, because I want that for myself and I'm so afraid I'll never find it.

We'll see where my match.com adventure will take me. At the very least, I'm sure it will give me some great blog-spiration!

Warsh

I did laundry in my bathtub last night.

Why? Because this mama is BRIZOKE!

It was actually kind of fun*! I had baby boy pile up the clothes we needed to wash. (He got extremely excited when the bubbles began forming in the tub). We soaked the clothes in the soapy water for about an hour...then I "agitated them" for ten minutes, rinsed...allowed them to soak in fresh, non-soapy water, then wrung them out as best I could, placing the clothes on hangers hanging in my bathroom. Yeah, it sucked. Did I mention this was a free alternative to the laundry room? Oh YEAH**! (I'm that sad and pathetic).

I had been thinking of the tub laundry approach for about a week. My laundry has really began piling up, and I'm too cheap to do anything about it. It wasn't until I heard someone refer to doing laundry in their bath tub that I felt validated enough to try it out for myself. I think it will work better once it's warm outside, so the clothes will actually DRY overnight instead of remaining very damp after 8+ hours of hanging.

*I feel like I'm living the life of a poor wench from 1902.
**I'm so cool that I'm high-fiving myself. Don't be jealous.

Danger

Introducing Danger (or D).

Whenever we converse, I feel an immense amount of physical sexual tension. I haven't quite been able to pinpoint where it comes from, but it's there. Maybe it's because D is so mystic. It could be the constant 5pm shadow, D's musical talents, or the fact that I know he's a bad boy and the only need he would fulfill would be solely physical (I know this, because I've had lengthy discussions with him, I digress).

He abuses drugs and alcohol (like I said, he's a bad boy, although I've been down that road and refuse to go back).
He's a non conformist. It makes me laugh.
I can tell D's heart wants to give, but I know he will refuse it the liberty to do so.
Although this man lives far, far away and we've never met in person, I know he's dangerous for me. I get excited and fearful for what would happen should we ever actually meet.

There's something about him that electrifies my innards. I am beginning to realize I want him because I know I cannot have him.

A night I want to erase.

I took a break from alcohol for the month of march. I had fun without spending unnecessary money. I remembered the details of entire evenings, and I did it all sober.

It's not that I have a problem with alcohol. The break was to prove to myself that I don't have issues with it.

On Saturday I was invited to go out with a friend of mine, and company she had visiting from out of town. The day before, I was informed the company was a lesbian couple. I don't understand why she felt the need to tell me that, because I would not have cared less. I felt a little uncomfortable with the situation of just the four of us kicking it...but decided to meet the pair before passing judgement. Honestly, their sexual orientation was NONE of my business.

When I met up with them to grab a quick bite before we went out, I was jovial. One of the girls was very talkative and comfortable, as was my friend...but one was oddly quiet. Since this was my first time drinking, I tried making the most of the situation, but I'd be lying if I told you I was comfortable.

The four of us headed back to my friend's place, and proceeded to mix up cocktails. Late in the evening we decided to walk to the watering hole just down the road, and have some shots and chill. Walking in, I ran into a kid I went to high school with. He was a dick in high school and things hadn't changed. I tried saying hello, and he shrugged me off. His loss I suppose!

We sat at the same table I had been at on the last day of February. I looked around, and the same guy I hit on the last day of February was there. In a nutshell, I had made an ass of myself the last time I was at this place, and should've known the guy was going to be there, I digress.

I ordered us a round of shots, brought them to the table, and EVERYONE turned their nose up to them. Yes, the bartender had effed the shots up and they were heavy on Crown, but WHO CARES! They were shots, we were drinking. My feelings were hurt that I was the only one who took the shot, not to mention I was already inebriated, which intensified my internal pity party even more.

I continue to browse the bar crowd, and who do I see but the guy I made out with the last time I drank..ya know...on the last day of February when I was on a roll. Not only had I made out with this guy, but I had given him my number and he never called me. Burn.

When I saw him, he actually knew the majority of the people at the bar. I was completely taken aback, sitting there while he walked around shaking people's hands and saying hello. You see, (not that it matters) when I had met him just over a month earlier at the same establishment he was sitting quiet, not talking to anyone. Picking the same bar I had met him at seemed like a safe bet for me (not that i was avoiding him...but I didn't NEED to see him). I felt like a tool.

My mood was intensified when I had a verbal spat with my friend , in front of her company. It was mis-communication on both of our parts...and it didn't help the stellar night I was having. At. All.

Since I was drunk, I wanted to smoke because it's the ONLY time I can smoke...weird, I know. Nobody in my group smoked, so I had to go up to Make-Out boy and bum one from him. I told him he should come outside and smoke with me, and he obliged. I was looking forward to clearing the air (lol, that's funny considering we were smoking...I digress yet again!). I wasn't half way through my cig and my friend walked up and said they were walking home, and told me I was coming with her. Huh-WHAT?

At that point, I wanted to punch her in the face. My night was already shitty, and there she was, yanking me away from a boy I was talking with...a boy who, if anything, could have been my drunk make-out buddy. Grr.

Did I mention it was snowing at this point? Huge, frozen, beautiful snowflakes were everywhere, and it was APRIL. Double Grr.

I wanted to leave the situation completely. I didn't want to leave my car, because if I left I didn't want to go back to the house the next day. I knew I couldn't drive, so I had to suck it up and pass out. It sucked.

So today, I sit here bummed with a headache. I guess I was fortunate to have many fun nights that included drinking, moreso than not. Last night was one of those "nots."

The night could have been worse, sure...but I know the night also could've been better.

Sunday Blues

Today, I sit and I cry. I cry about things that are not. I cry about things that could be, but won't. I sit. I cry.

I know my hormones are bringing about this intense surge of eeyore syndrome. I know it will (most likely) only last today and tomorrow I will wake up with strength to shelve these emotions.

I want a home with a yard for my child to play in, and I cry because I don't foresee that happening before he is in kindergarten (or ever). My credit is horrible, and my income is just enough to keep the lights on, and pay daycare.

I cry because others around me are afforded great opportunity, and I wonder why I haven't been afforded the same because I work just as hard, if not harder (yeah, I am the complete and total makings of a solo pity party...).

I cry because my relationship with my father has faded into nothing, and it kills me.

I cry because my mom has a new found freedom that doesn't include me, but her "boyfriend" and the nearest bar or bottle of beer.

I cry because my brother is going to be sent to war, and I cry for his daughter and the possibility that she might not ever know her father.

I cry because the hope of me finding a man to compliment my life seems impossibly impossible.

I cry because I feel like I am failing my child. Yes, he might not think so today...but in 20 years I fear he will look back and hold animosity towards me...for not affording him a stable nucleic family that I had growing up....

I sit alone, and I cry.

Anatomy of a Woman

(at least the women I know)

I don't know many (if any) girls my age who enjoy being single. Most of the women I know have been in a long term relationship, are living with their boyfriend, or are married. The ones who have relationships end, no matter how long or short, troll for the next guy almost immediately.

Maybe I'm jealous because dating as a single mother has been so much different that dating as a single young 20-something. Yup. That's it. I'm jealous that it's them and not me. I'm jealous that I've been patient for over four years. I've woken up 95% of my days these past four years with a smile on my face. Knowing that I'd be the only person to feed my baby, change his diapers, read to him, make him giggle. Knowing that I didn't have the shoulder to physically cry on when things got tough. Knowing it was just me.

I'm totally pms-ing right now. I can feel my intense hormones surging, but these feelings of "when is it my turn?" never subside. I survive on the hope that it will be my turn to be giddy sooner than later.

PMS aside, what brought on my surge of emotion from this astute observation? In the past few months, I've known three women to become newly single, and two of those women have met new guys or had multiple male prospects in their life. I'm happy and supportive, yes...but I want it to be my turn. I'm sick of being the cheerleader for other people's new relationships.

*Girls, if you EVER read this...you know I love you...and this post is mostly brought to you by the demons knows as P, M and S. Mwah.

The Battle Surges On

SHITFUCKDAMNCOCKSUCKINGASSHOLES!

Whew! I feel better now.

What has my panties in a bunch? People who literally suck at life...specifically baby boy's former daycare center, and their immoral billing procedures. Money hungry mongrels they are!

Yes, I just got off of the phone with the so-called president of a collections agency. My son's former daycare assholes messed up their ledger, and after withdrawing my son from their center decided to throw a bill that totals more than a grand at my face.

What did I throw at their face? A big "EFF YOU!"

I contacted the Better Business Bureau. I utilized a free attorney via the employee assistance program. And this crap STILL HAUNTS ME.

Why don't you just settle to get them off of your back? Hells no. I refuse to be bullied by a psychotic woman (the director of baby boys former daycare). That's what I chalk this up to. A giant case of ageism bullying.

I'm completely irritated by this matter, and honestly want to punch someone in the face (preferably the former daycare director).

The "president" asked me if I wanted to settle..to which I responded that I feel as if I already settled when I cut a check for close to three hundred dollars on my son's last day of childcare (an amount I was told was my close-out balance four days prior).

Thanks for listening to my whining. One of the many perks of being single is never having someone to vent to....except for complete strangers via the internet ;-)

p.s. If you live in the Minneapolis area, and are looking for daycare...email me and I'll disclose the name of the center to you.

A Crush.

Sisters before Misters. Doe's before Bro's.

This past month has been the month of crazy, out of the blue break-ups for my friends. I don't know if there's something in the drinking water or what, but I've known 5 people who have gone through some sort of major dating dilemma/breakup.

Ya wanna know what's weird? I kind of have thing for a few of the ex's.

I feel really guilty about these feelings. So much so that I will never act on my crush(s), nor do I feel like I can explain it.

Is it normal to have a crush on your friends ex? An ex that has been dating your friend for years, or an ex that has only been dating your friend for a few month...does it matter? I feel really dirty for having these feelings. I don't know where they've come from, other than the fact that I'm single, horny, longing for male-attention, etc. I have had respect for these men, and I know for certain at least one of the "relationships" ended amiably....BUT STILL! Argh.

The End of DB

I cried last night. An ugly cry. A cry that was mostly warranted. A cry that I don't think I could've prevented even if I had tried.

During dinner this past Sunday, DB asked me about a girl I used to be friends with. I responded by telling him we are no longer friends and that I didn't feel comfortable talking about it. He respected that and our conversation moved on.

Since I'm open here, I'll let you know WHY this Girl and I are no longer friends.
Long story short:

• She's a whore and sleeps with all men she comes into contact with...honest to god.
• We hung out with some boys in high school and I had a huge crush on one of them, Hottie.
• In college me, Girl, and four other girls moved into a house together.
• I ended up having a glorious, hot and steamy one night stand with Hottie (and in all honesty, I still look back on that night and smile.....)
• The next day, I find out she had been sleeping with Hottie for a couple of years (even though he had been in a relationship) and she pretended like I had known (which she conveniently NEVER told me because she knew I would be hurt by her whore-ishness.
• Our friendship ended. It was ugly.

So yeah, that's the story I didn't feel comfortable telling DB on Sunday.

Rewind to last night. Via text, I sent DB a casual, friendly invite to a St. Patty's dinner I was making on Monday. Yeah yeah yeah, it was the day after we had initially hung out...Whatev's. I knew I was going to have a plethora of food, and I wanted to be nice.

He never responded to my text. He never sent me a message when we were clearly both on facebook at the same time ALL WEEK.

And then, I saw it. He had become friends on facebook with Girl. I felt hurt, betrayed and used. Almost as if he had hung out with me on Sunday to try and get to Her. The tears started flowing, and the ugly crying began. He has since been unfriended. I don't feel the need to surround myself with idiots, and he, my friends, is a Grade A idiot.

My mom tried to tell me I was throwing stones at my knight on a white horse. I quickly corrected her and told her I was throwing stones at a donkey, and she need not worry.

So, as of today, I'm still searching for my knight on a white horse. I deserve more than what I've experienced today. I really do.

I survive. I wonder.

I sit at home and think of what I want out of life.

• Happiness, yes.
  
• Health, of course.
  
• Stability and security, please.

The one thing I am desperately craving is companionship. I want a man to share my life with. I want a man next to me. To flirt with me. To touch me. To wake up next to. To laugh with. To sing with. To share life experiences with.

Every day I put a smile on my face. I laugh, I try to focus at work (when I'm not sitting on facebook, I digress).

Every day that I wake up, I am surviving single. It's a lot more difficult than you would imagine, especially because I bear the responsibility of raising a little boy with strong and respectable morals. A baby boy who is just as stubborn and lovable as his mother. An amazing yet challenging being in my life.

I try to turn to my friends for support. Most of them are busy with their own companions, and the rest are busy being young, going to happy hours or night clubs.

Every day I wonder if I when meet my soul mate. My companion. My ying to their yang. I know it will happen. I believe he is out there.

I always wonder if today is the day....

For now, I continue to survive single.....plus one.

The Dinner that Was.

After the debauchery of last week...and a few facebook messages I caved in and decided to give him another chance at coming over to dinner (is it just me or does that statement sound extremely overly giving on my behalf...yeah...I digress)

The time: 6pm
The place: Mine
The Menu: Steak and potatoes (of course!)

At 5 I received a text "I'm going to be about a half hour late."

At 5:45 I received another text "I won't make it until 7."

At 5:46 I made a PBJ for myself and baby boy. I figured if I was still going to allow him over, I'd better not be hungry...mama's freaky when she's hungry!!

I went on with my nightly rituals with baby boy, and before I knew it I had him in his pj's and in bed.

He arrived at my place around 7:50. He looked amazing. Stunning. Sexy. My frustrations for his tardiness dissipated the moment we said hi (honestly, I didn't say hi...I said "the next time we hang out I'll tell you we're meeting at 4"..I'm cute like that...)

Dinner was ready within ten minutes of his arrival. When we sat down to eat I was extremely surprised how comfortable the conversation was. He was interesting and funny...and I found myself making him laugh a few times as well.

He stayed and talked until after midnight, even doing the dishes after eating (it was adorable, really!).

I still can't believe how quickly the time flew...however I'm puzzled (kind of). There was a goodbye hug..and nothing more. No plans for hanging out again. Hmph.

I think in my head I was hoping he'd go in for the kill....but I guess all things happen for a reason (I just haven't been able to figure out what that reason might be. Any suggestions?)

p.s. If you think he JUST wants to be friends I know...my mind is kind of telling me that too. For the moment, I'm relishing in the fantasy of wishing for something more. I don't know if I'm ready to come off of my cloud quite yet.

The dinner that wasn't

Baby boy was up at 6:30 on Sunday morning. Yeah, you read that right...6:30am. I blinked my eyes, and laid in bed for an hour or so. By 7:30 we were at the table, eating Life cereal. I was mentally going through my game-plan.

My house was literally a disaster zone. The combination of the winter, and lack of motivation had left me with a mess. I wish I had a picture of it, but I'm really glad I don't...it was embarrassing. Let's just say my artificial christmas tree was still standing in all of its glory.

Immediately following breakfast I got to work. Eight loads of laundry, three loads of dishes through the dishwasher, sweeping and moping the floor, vaccuming, taking down the tree, rearranging my living room, decluttering. You name it, if it had to do with cleaning, I probably did it.

All the while I was watching the clock. He was supposed to be over at 6 for dinner, and I needed to shower, and run to the grocery store after cleaning was over. Let me just tell you, my afternoon shower was the most rewarding shower I've had in a while!

At 5pm I sat in my robe on the couch. I knew I was cutting it close on time, but I also knew I could pull it off. I went to check my phone and found two text messages. The first was from a great friend, and read: "Good Luck tonight! I hope everything goes well." The second read: "I just got a call from a friend of my parents about a job opportunity, and i am afraid i am going to pass on dinner."

WTF.

I was dignified in my response, saying "Bummer. Good luck with everything. Ttyl."

So there ya have it. The dinner that wasn't.

Honestly, I was bummed. At the exact same time, I wasn't surprised....and I only say that because of the history (or lack there of) with him.

The one positive thing that came of Sunday? I've got a pretty darn clean home!!

Is this JUST dinner?

I'm having a boy over for dinner on Sunday. Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, here's the story (input would be greatly appreciated!!).

Our History:

We've known each other since middle school. Come time for high school he went to the rich private school, and my parents opted for the free public school route. We kept mutual friends so we would see each other from time to time.

Senior year of high school rolled around and I didn't have a date to prom. It was suggested that I go with him, DB, and I thought it was an interesting suggestion. I made sure to clarify it would just be as friends, because I wasn't confident enough in myself to have a "boyfriend" (yeah, I'm pretty lame like that!).

Anyways, the next thing I know a dozen pink and white roses showed up at my door step, with him hiding behind them, asking me to my own prom. It was an incredibly sweet gesture. I was flattered, but slightly weirded out because I thought we were "just friends" and I'm a girl so I over think EVERYTHING!

There were two things that went wrong with prom: DB's hair (which he decided not to cut, and instead butt-part down the middle of his head using hair gel to hold it in place) and the fact that I felt like I needed to stay by DB instead of mingle with my other classmates.

Don't get me wrong, I had fun...and after the dance we headed to a friends cabin, where a guy (thankfully NOT DB) had drank way too much scotch, and I sat next to him and made sure he didn't die. I didn't hate my roll at the prom after-party, but there weren't any DB sparks either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Halloween of 2007 DB and I randomly met up again. We talked, laughed and had a great time. It was a blast, and I was looking forward to hanging out with him again...but it never happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Earlier this week DB happened to be on facebook at the same time as me. I chatted with him, and then found myself inviting him over for dinner. He accepted, and is now coming over this Sunday. I know I'm completely guilty of over thinking this, but our recent facebook correspondence is leaving me wondering if there's more to this than just friends. Tell me what you think...The following is our correspondence the past few days. (fyi: he had been in a car accident a week ago, hence the car references..)

Me:
About
dinner...1st - What night works best for you. The only night I am unavailable is
this coming friday.2nd - What are you in the mood for? 3rd - Do you have a car
to make it to my place right now? Sorry if that's a lame question, but
considering the events of the past week I just thought I'd ask...Hope your neck
and your care are feeling better :-)

DB:
Hey,Sunday is
the only available day for me this week (sundays are the only days that I have
off...ever.) As for dinner I am open to anything, and my car is still drivable
(thankfully) .I thank you for your concern about my condition and I greatly
appreciate the invitation for dinner.Hopefully I'll see you on Sunday!

Me:
Sunday works
for me! (that way I have the most time to clean..hehe). You really have to tell
me what you want to eat. I am open to any and all suggestions! Let's put it this
way..what don't you want? :-)You don't need to thank me either...We haven't had
a chance to hang out and this is the first time I've caught you online in as
long as I can remember! I'm glad you're willing to come over. Would you want to
come over around 6 or is there a time that works better for you? Looking forward
to Sunday :-)

DB:
6 works great. Italian, mexican, hell even thai works for me. I cannot help
but feel as though I am imposing by chosing the meal after your gracious
invitation so I thought I would just narrow it down some (the only thing I
really hate is lasagna and Ricotta{hopefully I'm spelling that right} cheese,
other than that I am open.

Me:
First and foremost..you are in no way imposing by "choosing a meal." I
think it's high time we hang out, and making dinner is the easiest way for me to
do so :-) I've never tried making homemade thai food before...have you?I was
more or less thinking steak, new potatoes and asparagus (a meal i LOVE but don't
make very often...it's not a lotta fun to eat alone!) What do you
think?

DB:
Steak and potatoes makes my Irish heart flutter, that would be
perfect!

Any thoughts??

The Question.

Go to church or not go to church...that is the question at hand here.


I've had a moral spiritual debate since the moment I became preggo with baby boy (about four years ago). I'm catholic, and had been having unprotected sex...but nobody in church knew, so I wasn't worried! However, the moment a bun is in your oven there's no denying the fact that you were doing the nasty before a ring was on your finger.


I felt too guilty to go to church. I tried to go with BB was only 4 months old, but left in tears...feeling like everyone was judging me because I wasn't wearing a ring. I saw the newly married couples scattered about, and was horribly sad that it wasn't me sitting with a husband. It sucked.


Fast forward 3.5 years. I tried arranging to have BB baptized with my niece while my brother was in town on leave from the Navy. I made some calls to different catholic churches, and once on the phone with a priest, I was met with the same scorn and ridicule that I had felt from the last time I was at church. "Will your husband be present?" to which I replied "I'm not married, nor is my son's father in my life." Silence, then an "Oh..that's not a good thing" said in the most condescending way possible.


I decided not to go through with the baptism...especially because I don't want to force BB to be involved in the same scorn and judgement that I've felt for the past four years.


My internal church debate still lingers. I have spiritual beliefs, but I haven't found a place where I feel safe to express my beliefs. I feel guilty at the thought of going to a church that isn't catholic, yet cannot stand a catholic service.

I've had coworkers suggest coming to their church but I'm hesitant for a couple of reasons:

1. They don't attend a catholic church
2. I'm unsure of their intentions for inviting me
3. What if I don't like their church..will it have negative implications on my professional relationship with them?
4. I'm still struggling with guilt all around

What are your thoughts? This single mama just doesn't know what to do. I'm fairly certain I know what I believe...I'm just not sure where my beliefs are welcomed without judgement.

I love kissing.

The single life has proved a little mundane for me the past couple of months. I was adamant on not dating for all of 2009. Then, I was invited to a local radio station in early February as part of an Extreme Love Makeover thingie. It entailed me visiting with a psychic. He told me I didn't believe I'd find my soulmate, which was near spot-on.

To change my dubious thought process about finding my soulmate, I decided to toss my dating ban of 2009 to the dogs. I wasn't about to run out and date the next joe-schmo I came across...but I wasn't counting anyone out.

This past weekend I went out on the town with a great friend...and some people she knows. The night was fantastic. I came out of my shell, approached a bunch of guys just to say hi, and ended up having a wonderful make-out session with a sexy man back at my friends place. It was just the confidence boost I needed.

I gave him my number, but I don't think he's going to call...and I'm alright with that. He was fun to kiss, it's as simple as that!

As much as I bitch and moan about how much my parents irritate me, I can't imagine affording sanity through socializing without them. My mom specifically has been my savior once a month, taking baby boy off of my hands so I can have "me-time" to go out to the bars or hang out with friends without worrying about paying a babysitter.

I suck.

Yes, I'm still alive.

I don't like to apologize on a blog...but I feel the need to apologize for my absence! I had no clue I'd be missed, and really appreciate being checked-up on...it really was very sweet.

Why the absence? I couldn't think of what to write about next that I didn't feel like sharing on my other blog...although, given the time apart from here...I've got a couple of blog topics brewing!

Anything you want to hear about?

Any writing challenges for me?

I've missed all of you, and don't plan on disappearing anytime soon!!

Eww.

I've been bad. Why, you ask? Tonight I attended the annual "girls holiday party." The second I got home (yes I drove, yes I drank, no I wasn't drunk...and to prove it I only had three drinks and one shot over the course of 6 hours...) I lit up a cig.

I think lighting up when I drink (as of the last three weeks, so honestly...it has only been a few times) is my juvenile attempt to understand what all of the smoking hype is about.

What have I discovered?

• It leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth
• It makes me feel extremely effed up and dizzy
• I still haven't been able to fathom WHY PEOPLE SMOKE! (sorry, I'm not trying to offend the smokers of the world...but after trying it I still can't grasp the reasoning)
• It gives me a headache
  

ps. I am NOT a jogger or a runner....those people are effin nuts!

2 T's and 1 L

I'm shaking things up a little. I participated in interviewing some other bloggers recently, and since I'm not the most creative at coming up with random-thought-provoking questions...I used google! In doing so, I was reminded of a silly little ice-breaker that was pulled out at retreats when I was a kid. Two truths and a lie.

Wanna play?

Here goes:

1. I bought a pack of cigs, and smoked my first cigarette sober since high school in 2009.
2. I heart running/jogging.
3. I'm beginning to wish it was legal to marry cowboys.

What am I telling the truth about and which one is my lie?

You're more than welcome to participate as well...If you choose to participate, I am more than happy to link to your blog, just leave a comment or shoot me an email in the next day or so (so the 8 people who fancy this little blog can share in the fun!!)

Happy Friday!

It makes me smile.

Winter has a crappy effect of me. Particularly this time of the year. But there are a few things that slightly improved my mood:

1. The sunrise this morning WAS AMAZING. I still strongly believe sunrises should only be witnessed from the comfort of your own bed, or when you've spent the entire night talking with someone special, I digress. It was an awe striking mix of pinks and purples...textured by the clouds, with a magical, bright, exuberant glow. It made me smile.
   
2. While driving to pick up Baby Boy, I was met with the faintest reflection of daylight...peering at me from the windows of a tall building. It was a wonderful sign that the days are starting to get longer. It made me smile
3. I settled in on a theme/idea for getting people together on my birthday weekend! My birthday falls on a Sunday (lame, yes...I know) so instead of going to the bars, and not remembering my birthday..I'm going to have a fun and silly ice skating part at The Depot! I am smiling just thinking about it.
4. I also had the brilliant idea to invite the blogging people I know to come stay in MN that weekend...have a blogger social night on Saturday, and attend the awesome skating afternoon on Sunday. Email me if you're interested, and we can nail down some details!!

What has made you smile lately?

Turning Back Tuesdays

Introducing: A Breeze to Remember

I feel extremely emo right now, my mood could be closely compared to a past South Park episode about non-conformists. You know the one, I know you do...I'm too lazy to look up the link!

Yes, it's a winter funky funk. I know I'll snap out of it, and to be quite honest, the beautiful sunrise is helping...although, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO WATCH THE SUNRISE UNLESS I'M IN THE ARMS OF A STRONG, SEXY MAN. I digress.

SO, for today's turning back Tuesday, I'm going to attempt to keep things light and airy (no pun intended...haha, you'll get that joke if you can make it to the end of this post).

Rewind to my senior year of high school. I wanted to try something new, so I enrolled in an EMT program at a local community college. The program was specifically designed for high school seniors. The way it worked was I went to two classes at my high school in the morning, then left school to grab lunch, and spend the rest of my day in this EMT class. The class was comprised of kids from all around the metro.

Most of them had enrolled because they were interested in becoming an EMT. I did it because I thought it would be cool to get out of high school for a half day (which lasted the entire year).

During this class, we spent half of our time learning book stuff, and the other half of our time learning how to save lives. When we were saving lives we were in a room that had a simulated ambulance box, floor mats, and those lovely manikin's that had the ability to tell you how much you sucked at CPR.

On this particular afternoon, we were running through a scenario. I knelt down to begin administering CPR when I heard the most horrible ripping noise of my life. My pants had decided to split down my entire bum. This wasn't just a little rip...this was the perfect storm of rips. From the top of my waste straight through the crotch. I was frozen in embarrassment, but lucky for me, nobody had immediately noticed (at least that's what I tell myself to this day). I carefully backed myself out of the classroom, and signaled for a friend to come over. When I told her what had happened she laughed to the point of tears. I'm so happy I could make someone crack up (again, no pun intended...I'm on a roll today!).

The moral of the story? Tight jeans might make your bum look flattering in a mirror...but they're lethal if you are expected to bend at the waste.

Happy Tuesday!

Fine in 2009

Surviving Single.. That's what I've been doing for as long as I can remember.
In 2008, I did what all of my non-single friends said. I put myself out there. I signed up for an online dating website, hoping for the best, and expecting the worse. I went on so many unmemorable first dates, I couldn't even name every single guy...Most of them were just lunch. I met two different men who weren't right for me (and I knew this) but I was butt-hurt when things didn't work out.

Dating effected me. It effected baby boy. It wasn't fair.

In 2009 I'm pledging something to myself...for me, and for my baby. I'm not going to date. I'm over the dating scene. I'm happy with my life, really I am. In the words of a great blogging friend, I'm unapologetically embracing myself.

I'm not gonna lie...I've told this pledge to my friends, and I don't think they believe I can do it. I think I can, and I guess that's all that matters. In fact, I bet a friend of mine that I wouldn't date. The wager? $1. She doesn't think I'll stay date free from March through the end of the year. I believe otherwise.

I know what you think..when you stop looking someone will come along. I laugh at that, only because when I stop looking, I spend my nights at home alone. If I found a man while I was sitting at home by myself, that would be kind of crazy.

I'll keep ya posted!