The return of...

California.

Friday night had come, and I had plans to be responsible. I was running my very first 5k in the morning, and knew I needed a good night's sleep. I got baby boy to sleep around 8, and settled in on the couch to watch some television. It was my way of winding down so I could turn in early. Around ten, baby boy had a bad dream as I could hear him whining. I turned the television off, and comforted baby boy back to a peaceful sleep. I decided this was a sign I should go to sleep myself. I crawled into bed, and tried to stop my head from obsessing about the day to come.

Forty five minutes later, baby boy was standing next to my bed asking for water. I sent him back to bed, but not before making him use the potty and filling his cup up for him. And back to bed I went, this time muttering to myself that I NEED TO GET A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY!

It didn't take long before I was out like a light. While dreaming, I heard my phone ring. Honestly, at first I thought it was part of my dream, but then I realized my phone was actually ringing. I looked at the caller, and it read "Restricted." Being in the groggy state I was in, I answered.

Me: "hello"
Him: "uh....hi. Is this Stacy?"
Me: "Yes, who is this?"
Him: "uh...I might have the wrong number. Did you used to live in ____(he named my apartment complex)?"
Me: (thinking CREEPY...WHO IS THIS GUY?!) "Yes, who IS this?" By this time I was wide awake, my mind racing as I was trying to figure out who I was talking with.
Him: "Maybe I have the wrong number. My name is California"
Me: "California? California who?"
Him: "California Smith"
Me: (thinking...Smith? That sounds like a bogus name....who IS THIS GUY?!) "I'm sorry...how do I know you?"
Him: "Well...we met two years ago....you came over when I was outside partying with my brother"

And then it hit me. I was talking to California.

I can't believe he still had my number. I had long erased his because I had long ago lost hope that I would ever speak with him again. I mean, the guy lives in California, a state I have never been to, nor do I see myself traveling there anytime soon.

He went onto tell me some very nice lines. He is coming back to visit in June. "I never forget a beautiful Irish girl" were phrases he kept repeating. He spoke as if he was in love with a figment of me....\I do not view myself as gorgeous, pretty or anything closely related. I was flattered by his words, but am still having a difficult time fathoming how he could have such "intense feelings" for me when we haven't seen or spoken to each other in two years. CA also said he had a lot of people to visit while he was back here, and he'd love it if I came out with him...perhaps being his date.

I don't know. As nice as he sounds, I am COMPLETELY skeptical. If he calls again will I oblige and agree to go out with him? Sure. Do I think anything will come of this? Probably not. The most I feel I will get out of this is a good story...so I guess that's something for y'all to look forward to!

ps. in case y'all were interested...I managed to sleep the rest of the night...AND run/walk (or as I like to say ralk) the 5k the next day! I finished twenty seconds over my goal of 45 minutes...not too shabby for a girl who didn't train a minute, if I might say so myself!!

Introducing...

California (CA)

I had been drinking heavily at a friend's house. She had been hosting a White Trash party, so OF COURSE I showed up looking the part, with 40's in tote. Before I knew it, I was being driven home. I knew I didn't want the night to end. Having a sleeping sixteen month old waiting for me at home, I rarely had the opportunity to go out and let loose. As the car door shut in front of my building, I heard voices. There were people having a party...about fifty feet from my front door (SCORE).

I tip toed over and casually introduced my drunk self. See, back in the day, I used to do this kind of thing all of the time. I thrived on being random. However, since becoming a single mom, I was forced to live a responsible life of schedule. The opportunity to be spontaneous this particular night was not evaded in the least. After establishing myself with the small gathering of people, I returned to my house to relieve the babysitter (not mentioning the people I had waiting for me to come back...). The moment the babysitter vacated, I tip toed back across my front yard to my new friends. I didn't feel TOO guilty because:

1. I was intoxicated.
2. I was at MOST 100 feet away from my apartment, and baby boy had been sleeping through the night regularly.
3. I was intoxicated.
4. I didn't plan on staying out long..just long enough to have fun, random interactions with complete strangers.

There, I met CA. He was a couple of inches taller than me. He had a six o'clock shadow. He was a year or two older. He had "bad boy" written all over his face. I was engaged at hello.

We had fairly good chemistry between the two of us. I don't think we ever ran out of things to talk about. Sure, there were moments of silence...but it was a good silence. A comforting silence. I informed him I had a sleeping child inside, and that it wasn't right for me to be so far away from him..he obliged, and we made our way to a swing that sits next to my building, ten feet from baby boy's window (which was wide open since it was the middle of summer).

The two of us sat swinging, side by side, looking up at the dark starry sky. Eventually, we made our way inside of my place. The night ended with a fun, dirty romp session as the sun was about to rise. He took my number, but I knew I wouldn't hear from him again. He was only here visiting family, and was returning to California.

For a few months, there were butterflies in my stomach every time I stepped foot outside my building. I could see the steps of where the party was hosted. It never failed to bring back the memories of the fun drunk and random night that I met him. The butterflies eventually faded. I would go onto remember the night, but as time passed I began to view that night as just a mark in my past, shaking my head and thinking to myself how "young and silly I was back then..."

Dear Dad,

Sorry I forgot to call you back. There are only two times during my day where I feel competent enough to talk on the phone (after I drop baby boy off in the morning, and on my drive to pick him up in the evening). Last night, we spoke when I was on my way to pick him up. Once I had him, since we weren't able to line anything up during our conversation, all of my attention was devoted to him hence I forgot to call you. As for having plans last night.

Yes, originally when we spoke on Sunday I had tentative plans to meet a few girls for dinner. However, I cannot financially afford to do so, so I cancelled.

I apologize if I have seemed short lately. I rarely get a break from my life. Many times I have so many things going on that I can hardly think straight. Between your son who never fails to irritate me, your ex-wife who has good intentions but at times is very hurtful and me being the only consistent adult family member in baby boy's life, my plate is overflowing with frustration.

I would invite you over, but I don't like socializing in my house when it's a mess because I feel it's distracting. Besides, everytime I've had you over, you literally fall asleep in front of my face, and I take it personally and become offended.

I can't read your mind. Most times I feel like I'm a giant failure in your eyes especially because I never receive invites to do ANYTHING with you. I try and communicate what I'm thinking as best I can and when I'm met with sarcasm such as "Is EVERYONE supposed to know where Central Park is?" my feelings are hurt. I'm trying to go out of my way to celebrate the fact that you and your twin brother turned 60 (because frankly, it's a really big deal if not to you, to me). Is it adding to my stress when I'm met with sarcasm from you? Of course. Does it make me feel like my efforts are unappreciated? Yes. Your party is tomorrow, at the location we discussed last night. I will be running the Armed Forces 5k in the morning, and taking baby boy to a 4th birthday party after. I should be to your party (you know, the one that I organized for you) by 2.

Well...I think this has been enough of an eyefull. Hope you're having a good friday. I plan on seeing you tomorrow, please let me know if something changes.

I feel defeated.

In terms of being a single person, I feel completely defeated. I always seem to attract losers, and nary get an a call from someone I know saying they've met someone for me. This makes me sad. I don't know how to put myself out there for the good guys to find me. I am clueless.

I sit, and watch most of the single people I know. They have dated so many more people than I have. Shared so many more experiences. They've been the one that men eye first. While I'm happy for their experiences, I sit and wonder "why can't that be me?"

It's not that I want someone to do the work for me, but I want to be the one that men desire to be with. It's been a looooooong time since I've felt desired by a man about five plus years in all honesty). I can't figure out what I'm doing to deter men from wanting to get to know me, or wanting to hang out with me.

I miss the feeling of a man's touch.

I miss feeling needed and wanted in a passionate way.

I feel as if I need a dating coach to teach me how to attract Mr. Right. Sad, isn't it? I don't understand why I don't feel wired to be attractive. Maybe my self doubt comes from years of watching others find their special someone...while I sit in the background alone.

I know I've said that I'm happy with my life, and I am. I feel like I have old wounds reopened and salt poured into them everytime I meet a single guy, and find out a week later that said single guy has started dating someone I know. It sucks because it seems to happen about once a month, and as happy as I am for my friends, I'm ready for it to be my turn.

Update

Life, up to date:

1) Still single
2) Still wish I wasn't
3) Beginning to slowly realize being single isn't at bad as I always make it out to be
4) I have a great appreciation for AA batteries
5) I have spent many hours this week cooking delicious meals, and equal hours enjoying said meals
6) I've got a short work week ahead of me, and have plans to take a fun day trip!!
7) Have re-realized that baby boys laughter is the most heartwarming noise I've ever laid ears on
8) As often as I've felt alone, I've managed to remind myself that life is mostly about attitude and choice
9) I now choose to be happy, even in the face of frustration
10) I've always felt like a mixture of Bridget Jones and that chick from Jerry McGuire. One could only be so lucky!! I've got a great life, awesome baby boy, and my health.. I don't need a psycho Tom Cruise in my life...now, a sexy British man? Yeah, I'll keep dreaming about that one!

Yes, a bullet post is slightly week and boring...but it encompasses my life as of late: kinda boring, a huge contradiction with moments of awesomeness. How have things been in your world?

I Shake My Fist

Here's my qualm with online dating....

It makes me lose hope.

One second I feel like I can do this dating thing. I feel like any man would be lucky to have me in their life. I take this confidence, and reapproach the online dating world...and I'm always met with rejection.

I've been trying my hand in the dating world for almost three years. I resorted to online dating because I've been stuck at home 99% of my evenings due to being a single parent. Key words: single parent (single->want a man in my life. parent-> man repellent).

I've gone back and forth about including the single parent label in my online dating profile. I want men to get to know me for me....but at the same time, when I've excluded this information I feel as if I've mislead these men due to their response (which almost ALWAYS entails "oh" followed by awkward silence followed by the sudden halt of emails/contact).

Most recently, when I was overtaken by the urge to start backup in the online dating world, I felt confident I would find decent, upstanding, responsible, respectable men. What have I found? All of the above...there's just one little bitty issue....None of them are interested in me. Nada.

How do I know this? Because my inbox is continuously flooded with "Keep looking, he's just not interested in you." In the words of Tony the Tiger...that's Grrrrrrrrrrrreat (insert an insane amount of sarcasm here).

My faith in finding mr. right was questioned intensely today when a man I've had a semi crush on for a while happened to stumble on my profile. Now, this is a man with whom has dated two girls that I know (one of which I set him up with because he's a great guy, she is a great girl, and I wanted them both to be happy...turns out, they didn't click).

I'm tired. It's late. I've been back in the online dating world for three days and I've already lost hope. I can't stop thinking about wanting a man in my life and I'm absolutely convinced this want is driving me crazy. I'm off to sleep now, where I'll most certainly dream of what it feels like to be touched...because lord knows dreaming is as close as this mama is going to get for a long, long time (insert eeyore tone here).

Hope.

I've got a confession to make. In lieu of putting myself on a strict anti-spending budget I was duped into spending roughly 60 dollars this weekend...on match.com. I know why I did it, and it really is a pathetic reason.

Hope.

I'm still in a dating lull. I don't have friends setting me up or introducing me to new people, and I rarely have the opportunity to venture out on my own to meet men.

I dabbled on this website over a year ago, and to no avail was not matched with any blog-worthy dates. I just don't see what my other options are aside from staying single..and between you and me, I miss the feel, smell and taste of a man.

I've had many profile hits too...but on my match profile I've been very upfront about being a single mom, including a couple of pics of myself and my son at sporting events...I've immediately been met with resistance because here in Minnesota, you've got to be perfect (read no children) to be deemed datable.

At first my hope of finding a great man or two to date via this website was strong. I had over 300 profile views in three days...

Now that I've received a handful of "thanks but no thanks" emails, my hope has dwindled a bit. On Saturday night, I found myself watching a chick flick alone. I cried when I saw the characters on my television find love, because I want that for myself and I'm so afraid I'll never find it.

We'll see where my match.com adventure will take me. At the very least, I'm sure it will give me some great blog-spiration!