Wrong way (hopefully) right

Days away from turning 30, and yes all five (who am I kidding) two people who read this.  Have I been going about my approach to life and singledom WRONG?!  Should I not be "surviving single" instead "thriving single"?  Blargh.  Why can't they make a fail proof manual for a near thirtysomething single parent who has basically been single for a damn near decade?!

I've had friends who have children, gone through a divorce, and found themselves a new life partner within a year.  Aside from that, I've never known or befriended another single near 30-something who has a child.  Am I an anomaly?!
 
I just don't get it.

I know the world is a huge place, so perhaps there are more of you like me out there.  In hopes of someone stumbling across my EXTREMELY SMALL corner of the internet I am going to keep posting.  I'm going to keep telling my story in hopes of (at the very least) giving another single mom out there a laugh, or someone who they feel they can relate to.  I'm going to keep on keepin on, if not for that single mom who might find my story, but at the hopes of maintaining my own sanity throughout all of the frustration I keep drawing to me as if I were a damn magnet (selfish, right?!  I know.).

Hello Dirty 30's

It's technically been over seven years since I can officially say I was in my last "relationship."  In that time, I've "dated" one guy, but it fizzled after a handful of dates and went nowhere fast.  Aside from that, and a few other first dates, I've pretty much struck out left, right, then left again (ironically enough, leaving me a chronic singleton). 
In the past month, I've been told I'm not introduced to other single guys through friends because my friends secretively think I'm fucked up....lovely thought, right?  In the past month I've also adopted a dog, and signed up for an online dating site which most likely will just be a HUGE waste of money. 
It's not that I don't think I'm effed up, it's just tough to hear it from someone in the context in which it was said.  I acknowledge that I only get out once a month, and even those nights out are becoming more and more limited.  Aside from my work day, my only communication consists of reprimanding a 6.5 year old, and now a puppy.  I don't have the body image confidence to get my flirt on when I'm out in public...shit, I barely have the confidence in how I look to get my flirt on via the internet!
Not sure I've done the proper introduction to my next crush, but at the risk of already introducing him (yes, I'm too lazy to look back at my last few posts, I digress) lets call him Italy.
I've known who Italy was for a long time; but knowing WHO someone is is not the same as KNOWING someone.  Thanks to the powers of facebook, I tried my best at flirting with him, and we wound out together one night last spring.  I'd take a huge risk calling it a date for two reasons; 1) There wasn't a kiss at the end of the night, and 2) There wasn't a single bit of followup communication....truth be told, it also could've easily been construed as a date since my track-record proves I'm a one date kind of girl, but whatever.
This past weekend, while I was out for my "one free night a month away from baby boy" we started chatting.  By midnight I was on my way to pick him up thinking we were just going to have a silly fun night hanging out at my place.  He was seriously drunk when I got to his place, very quiet, and HOT AS HELL.  The cologne he wears, I swear to god, was so intoxicating I was most likely undressing him with my eyes the moment he got into my car.
When we were kicking it at my place, I was trying to suggest things to do to see how crazy this guy would get.  For whatever reason, he wasn't really interested in anything I suggested, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.  I'll admit, I caught him "checking me out" at  one point, and the girl inside of me felt so uncomfortable because I'm not fit, in shape, or feel hot; and HE....well, HE is fit, tall, in shape, and did I mention how AMAZING he smelled?! 
To my surprise, he made his move and kissed me.  It gave me absolute butterflies.  So what do I do?  I step away, and tell him how long I've wanted to do that to him, shove my tongue down his throat, step back away from him throwing my fists into the air and shout VICTORY!  ....because every sane normal girl does that....fml.
I'll be the first to admit my lack of self esteem has me jumping at every single opportunity to incorporate coloring into my lack luster sex life.  So of COURSE we wound up in the bedroom....and yes, it was hot...exactly what I wanted (or so I thought).
The next morning, after I got out of bed while cooking up some post coital eggs and bacon, I realized what the night before was; a one night stand. 
I am beginning to think all I do is give off some sort of desperate-nature singleton one-night aroma.
What in the hell is my problem?  I'm so upset...and on the verge of turning 30 which is also depressing the hell out of me.  Why?  Because I wanted so much more for myself by the time I turned 30.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted to have traveled the world.  I wanted to have finished school.  I wanted so much more than what I've allowed myself to settle with.  I am constantly upset with myself that I haven't been able to provide more for baby boy.  I'm so thankful to be his mom, but at the same time so upset with myself that I didn't set higher standards to achieve my goals.
Throw my one night stands into the mix with all of my self doubt and it makes my life so much more "awesome." 
Turning 30 should be a fun amazing party... but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and disappear.  I feel old, ugly, fat, and unwanted.  Lucky me.

Pseudo Safety

I don't write as often as I like, but recent conversations about what seems like the slow death of the blog has made me do a bit of self-reflection. 

See, this platform (my blog), was created to help me air frustrations, joys, inner-thoughts, secrets (if you will), in a safe, judgement-free environment.  Sure, this is sort of my dirty little semi-private public diary.....but if I wasn't alright with that I wouldn't take the time every so often to post here. 

What would I do if I didn't have this tiny little corner of the interwebz?  I haven't a flipping clue.  

I'm the type of person who analyzes. everything.  I'm the type of person who needs to let strong thoughts and feelings out lest the potential for spontaneous combustion increases to dangerous levels. 

I'm a person who wishes she had a tight close-knit group of friends.  In a random way, I kinda sorta do...but at the same time, I kinda sorta don't.  I have people in my life I love and respect because they're amazing.  Most of these people are compartmentalized due to various reasons such as marital status, the medium in which our relationship began (e.g. work, college, high school, etc.), children (or lack thereof), or geographical location.  I see others around me (lets be real, mostly through facebook), and I become instantly jealous of what appears to be tight-knit groups everyone but me seems to belong to (wah waaahhh....now's the time where I start rolling my eyes at myself because I sound and feel like I'm being a ginormous baby).

My feelings, although seemingly silly at times, are mine.  I'm not ashamed.  At times my feelings seem unjustified though, because although I'm not in a "consistent defined group of  friends" there are times when the people whom I love and care about come out of the woodwork to support me.  The support I'm shown in times of great need are enough to bring a handful of tears to my eyes.  The support people generously dish out is also enough to enhance my strong belief in humanity.

Looking past the few people who try to frustrate the hell out of me on a regular basis, I am so grateful for my current social situation.  I'm am equally grateful for this small corner of the web, and for the sake of my sanity, I'll keep this corner of the web going. 

Dear Brother...this is why...

It’s obvious I’m not happy with you, or the way you’ve acted the past three and a half months.  I’m not one to beat around the bush, or act fake.  I can’t fathom any other medium for reaching out to you, and hope you’re able to take this letter and read it a few times because I’m not writing this just for the sake of writing this.

Why am I so upset?  First of all, I asked you over six months ago if you wanted my help finding a new job.  Never once did I say or imply that you NEEDED my help, but I asked you, and you said you’d take all of the help you could get.  So what did I do?  I started asking around, and found a solid job lead.  I went so far as to personally recommend you, and when you refused to speak with me to get your resume lined up, while simultaneously never responding to me, it made me look like an idiot in a professional environment.  To turn around my generosity by telling mom, dad and WHOEVER else that I was being a bitch was absolutely juvenile, disrespectful, and inappropriate.  At that point in the past three and a half months, I decided I had nothing nice to say to you, so I chose to say nothing at all.  The behavior towards me around the fourth of July regarding my son was the cherry on the Sunday.

Here’s where my issues lay:  Drugs appear to be number one on your agenda.  This is evident through your behaviors and actions the entire trip home from California, and the days that followed.  This is also evident through you telling your daughter’s mother that you were planning to grow and sell drugs.  Not cool.  Not funny.  Not responsible.  Not a person I choose to surround myself or my son with.
I’m confused why you think asking me about the yard is and/or was an attempt to speak with me.  It was a question that required a yes or no answer.  I answered you.  Had I chosen to walk away without saying a word, I could understand telling both Mom and Dad that I was blatantly ignoring you, but I didn’t…your words to them were a bit out of line.

It all boils down to the fact that I believe you still have a lot of growing up to do, and attempting to have a relationship with you while you’re at this point in your life proved to be too stressful and non-productive.  So the path I chose was to move on, and stop trying.  I work full time.  I parent full time.  I am enrolled in college full time.  I don’t have TIME to deal with immaturity and irresponsibility.  If and when you grow up, (and decide to make responsible choices) I hope you will realize how hurtful and disrespectful your actions have been towards me, your nephew, your daughter, Mom, Dad…and most of all, yourself.

Dammit , life is too short to spend your time living the way you’ve been living.  Would you have your job if they found out about the drugs?  Nope.  If you can’t expect an employer to employ the real you, how can you expect non-drug users to tolerate you too?  The logic is completely lost on me. 

Also, everything I’ve said above are words I’ve spoken to Mom as well.  I’m a firm believer that I will only say things in life that I am willing to say directly to the person.  I know words from you have been thrown Mom’s way about me (stating I was being a bitch, etc).  If you think being assertive about living a respectful life is bitchy, then so be it, because I don’t feel bad for standing up for myself or my son.

All of these thoughts and feelings are on the eve of what could be the most challenging years of our lives.  You and I both know there’s something going on with Dad.  I haven’t a flipping clue how to approach him.  I’m scared (terrified, really).  I’ve expressed my concerns and frustrations with mom, and she’s let it be known that you’ve experienced the same frustrations.  I don’t know what to do, or how to even approach the situation.  I feel it’s something that needs to be approached delicately as well.

So allow your emotions to get the better of this situation.  Allow yourself to be annoyed at me for caring about you too much to tolerate the idiotic drug induced behavior.  Ignore my cautionary feelings.  Do what you want.  You’re a grown adult, and these thoughts and feelings are coming from a place of love, it’s as simple as that.  My hope is for you to reflect on this situation and see where the missteps were, man-up, recognize them, apologize, and not repeat the same mistakes.

This is my attempt to explain where I am coming from, and why I feel the way I do. Normally I wouldn't justify spending the time to explain myself, but this isn't a normal situation; we're family.

Daydreams

I crawl into bed at night, the sheets welcoming me with their crisp coolness that gradually warms up to wrap my body in heat.  It was a good day, not great, just good.  The television glow allows my brain to shut off, if only for a few moments.  When I turn to my side and see him, my blood pressure rises.  The perfect mix of the "guy smell" has my nose dancing with excitement.  He's mine, I'm his. 
I roll over to go to sleep, excited for what my dreams might bring me, after all, my daytime dreams have already been answered.  He wraps his arm around me, slowly brushing my hair off of my neck, pressing his soft lips against my neck.  I roll over, and our eyes connect.  I never imagined this many passionate feelings could rush through my body on such a regular basis.  I go to sleep that night, every nerve in my body euphoric, satisfied, and peaceful. 

He loves me. 

I love him. 

**********************

Not a single word above is my reality.  What's my reality?  Jumping into cold sheets at night...alone.  Going to sleep....alone.  Waking up...alone.  I'll never give up on my dream of having him in my life.  Christ, I'll never give up on actually figuring out who my "him" is!  I'm a driven person, who has a lot on her plate right now; read: near full-time undergrad coursework, full-time job, homeowner, full-time single parent of a very active little boy, and all of the responsible goodies that come with the previous titles.  Someday it will be my turn to share the great news of a proposal, and perhaps even an announcement of new little feet...but for now, today, in this moment, I'm content trudging through life solo because I can't possibly imagine squeezing in a second of time to find "him", especially with all life is throwing at me right now. 

1.5 out of 21

Well, no workouts yesterday...but I'll be dammed if I'm falling off of this bandwagon! 

Here's the FABULOUSLY EXCITING grub I stuffed in my face yesterday:

2 - 20oz coffee's
1 chocolate dessert bar; made by said coffee shop that was surprisingly decent (however, I wouldn't buy it again...go figure)
2 - 8oz glasses of water
A spicy chicken Korean dish (it was to die for, and more or less like a soup with lots of peppers and nothing was fried...yay!)
a small dish of steamed rice to accompany said soup, along with a few different small serving varieties of Kim-Chi
1/2 flat bread topped with a chicken cesar salad
1 - 16oz soda

...Again, not the healthiest....but the water was an improvement from day-1.

Last night I had a group meeting for school.  The class I'm taking requires a boat-load of small group work (lucky me!...can you SENSE the SARCASM here?!).  We met, and it wasn't as horribly painstaking as I had anticipated, but then again I wasn't able to walk or get any sort of sweat on. 

Thankfully, since I know every person in the world is WANTING and CRAVING this next tid bit of info; I've got time tonight to devote to a solid 45 minute walk.  Yeehaw.  Here's to (hopefully) staying on the right track (ha, no pun intended....track....get it?  like, the one you run on?  ok, I've obviously reached a limit on my sanity...good bye until tomorrow).

1 of 21

Honestly, I feel completely like "Bridget Jones" writing about this journey, but I suppose it boils down to the good-ol' saying, "You gotta do what you gotta do."

To battle my bulge on all fronts, I have to take an unfortunate look at my diet (insert cringe faces and extreme eye rolls on my behalf...can you tell I'm "loving" this?!).

Consumed:
1 20oz bottle regular coke
1 felafel gyro from Dinos; with lettuce, onions, tzatziki, black olives, and tomatoes
1 side greek rice (also from Dinos)
1 raspberry bar
1 20oz black coffee with half''n half, skim milk and a shot of vanilla syrup
1 double cheeseburger from Burger King
1/2 of a small order of onion rings

Good lord, my diet sucks.  I'm ALMOST contemplating doing a calorie count of all that deliciousness, but I'm terrified.

The important thing missing?  Water.  I need need NEEDz to drink me some more water (insert my annoyance here...because, let's be real, it's ANNOYING TO DRINK A LOT OF WATER....you have to use the bathroom more, and then there's the whole "gotta get up and refill my glass for that 4th time today" blah blah blah).

Note to self: must develop more patience, especially patience in the "drinking water" arena.

Exercise:
Mini hike with my son's cub scouts troop - 20 minutes
Extended (more intense) walk with my neighbor - 40 minutes

My pants still feel a bit tight, but I'd say that counts as a mildly successful Day-1.