Missing him.

I wanted to call him. My stomach was churning. I felt alone. I missed him.

Mark and I haven't spoken in a long time. In fact, I decided to cut him out my life because our relationship continued to spiral in a vicious circle, never improving.

1. We would be civil with each other.
2. We would spend a lot of time with one another.
3. He would become irritated with me for always wanting to go out and spend money.
4. I would grow irritated with him for being so darn irritable, and never wanted to talk with me. A fight would ensue.
5. We wouldn't talk for a while.
6. Return to step one.

After the discussion with my mom, I felt horrible and completely alone. Disagreeing with your family is a very isolating feeling for me. I love the few friends I have, but they are busy with their own life, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting to them what I had said, or publicizing how I felt about my brother (which is ironic in itself since I'm broadcasting my feelings on the internet without blinking an eye, I digress). The only person I could think about talking to was Mark.

I miss him when life gets hard. I miss the ways he would try to cheer me up in his own goofy way. I miss the good times we shared with one another, but know the negative animosity we also shared is too strong for me to return to him. As much fun as we had together, we were poison when combined, and for this reason, I resisted my urge to call.

Part 2 of 2

"Your brother is going to be sent to Afghanistan in April instead of September. We aren't going to act all goofy about it. It is what it is."

Her words sounded confident.

I hadn't really opened up with her about my feelings towards my brother. I felt like this was my opportunity to let my mom know how I was feeling.

"Mom, to be quite honest, I don't know how to react to that kind of news. I've made myself extremely clear since the moment he enlisted that I was not happy about it. It was always a strong possibility he'd be sent to a war zone, and was even more apparent after Obama's speech the other week. I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I already feel like my brother is dead to me, so how do you expect me to act when you tell me something like that."

I wish I could swallow those words back up because what happened next completely broke my heart.

She lost it.

I asked her if I had to bring her down to the psych ward, because before I chose to blurt out those awful words she was fine.

Where did those words and thoughts come from? Months of pent up anger, resentment, and disgust towards myself and my brother for our non-existent relationship. Months of having to bottle those feelings up when I spoke with my mom because she REFUSED to allow me to talk with her about my dissolving relationship with her son.

The tears I have cried because of that boy could fill the Mississippi.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT TO ME!!!"

"Mom, I'm not saying I want him dead...I'm saying that my relationship with him is gone. Over. Done with. He's non-existent to me, and I'm non-existent to him. It's not like this happened yesterday, mom. This has been going on for a long time, and you've refused to talk with me about it."

"I TRIED TO FIX THINGS BUT YOU REFUSED" she sobbed. (she demanded I attend a "mandatory family meeting" at her place, and I declined because I felt like it was going to be too hostile, unproductive, and awful...I refused to subject myself to walking in on a firing squad).

I explained myself and my feelings again..but at that point, the word of death was the only thing running through her head. She was mentally checked out of any conversation thereafter.

I feel so guilty that those words flowed out of me so easily...but I can't change my feelings about him. He's no different to me than a stranger on the streets. How am I affected if his life is over? I'm not. My son is short a father, and has been short an uncle since before he was born.

+++++++++++++++++++

Side note: I am not a soldier hater. I am not anti-military. I am, however, against my brother deciding the military was his only option at succeeding in life. I think it was a cop out. I think my brother could change the world if he really set his mind to it, and I felt like cornering himself into the military was an easy way out....and it annoyed me. I also don't understand why a person who has a child in this world would enlist, when the possibility of death is so great.

I love my brother...and maybe my love for him hurts too much because of all of the animosity between the two of us. We don't talk. We don't know each other....and that sucks.

I'm sure conservatives will have a hay-day with my thoughts and feelings on my brother. I'm not saying they're right, and I'm not saying they're wrong...but my feelings are my feelings...you can disagree with my feelings, but they won't change (at least not today).

Part one of Two

Embarrassed.
Sad.
Angry.
Annoyed.
Scared.

My brother and I haven't had much of a relationship for a long time now. We're different. We don't get along well, and never have. About four years ago he enlisted in the Navy.

I was livid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...he was choosing to be "responsible" for ONCE in his life. However, I am still upset with him that signing up for the military was the only option he foresaw that would force him to clean up his life for the sake of his small daughter (who was just a baby at the time he enlisted). In my eyes, having a child should have been reason enough for him to stop using drugs. Having a child should have been reason enough to stay home at night instead of running around town at night. Having a child should have been enough motivation to keep a full-time job so he could provide and watch his daughter grow up....But those weren't strong enough motivating factors in his life to stay sober...All the boy could breath was the military.

I was proud to hear he was on the straight and narrow.....but if you ask me, I think his straight and narrow is a facade because when he comes home on leave, he's a wreck loose.

When he's home, all the kid wants to do is run with his crew. Drink. Be "social." Run around town all night. Sleep all day.

I get it..he's on "vacation". Whatever. He's irresponsible, and his actions make me think that he's still the same manipulative druggie he was six years ago. I'm through buying his "good guy" act.

So...where is all of this back story going?

Last night, I called my mom to tell her I scheduled a massage for myself on Thursday night. A second into the telephone conversation she told me my brother was going to Afghanistan in April. Her exact words were "We aren't going to get all goofy about this. He's going. It is what it is."

She sounded strong. I felt like I could talk with her, and be honest.

I was wrong.

Me.

Does one really survive single? Meh. Who knows anymore.

This chick, right here, needs the touch of a man. An endearing, electric, sensual, committed, healthy, stable touch of a man. Since the combination of the previous does not exist in one man, maybe I need the touch of men (?).....hahahaha...no, one man will do.

I still don't know who He will be.
I still don't know if I'll ever find Him.
Only time will tell.

With the dawn of the grey, cold and dull season (otherwise known as winter), I've found myself slightly more rejuvenated than I have been in years past.

I don't have a man to thank for this...I have myself, and my will to live each day as if it were my last.

I'm beginning to think that my life will be spent alone +1. I'm beginning to make peace with that. I don't even know if I'll have time for Him if He were to walk into my life at this moment. I spend Monday through Thursday working, and taking care of baby boy. Friday I spend at the office, but my Friday evening through Sunday evening are busy almost every weekend. There is always laundry to do, my baby boy to play with, an errand to run here and a tank of gas to fill up there.

Is this me giving up on men? Not at all. I still yearn for the touch and smell of Him. This is me deciding life is too short to spend time constantly looking around and wondering when we'll meet each other.

WARNING! VERY SCATTERBRAINED POST AHEAD!

Chemistry = Passion (C=P).

I've recently met someone new, but I have a problem...I don't feel like I have a lot of chemistry with him. Sure, he's good looking. Sure, I think he's attractive. But there's something missing. A certain spark, if you will. I'm bothered because I'm having such a difficult time pinpointing the issue.

I can't decided if the chemistry is lacking because he's such a nice guy. Most of the men I've attempted to date in the past I've had a spark with. However, all of those sparks happened BEFORE I had a child. This is the first really nice guy I've met since having a child. Am I holding myself back?

Another catch? We've known each other since we were in diapers....but hadn't seen each other in over ten years. I'll be honest when I tell you how nervous I am to put this information out on the internet...I would never, in a million years, want to hurt his feelings.

A third catch? I'm not quite sure what the point of us hanging out is. Are we hanging out as JUST friends? Does he want to actually date? Does he feel the same way I do? Do I bring it up to him?

We've only hung out twice (once at night*, which started and ended with a hug), and once in the afternoon** (where baby boy was present....I allowed the exception since he's known me for such a long time, otherwise, I refuse to introduce baby boy to a man I'm dating...at least until I'm certain he'll be sticking around) (which ended with TWO goodbye hugs....kind of odd if you ask me).

Am I over analyzing this? YES! I can't help it. Seriously.

Now, this next bit of info makes me uneasy to admit....BUT, is settling the right thing to do if the relationship (dating or otherwise) lacks passion? I feel like I want and need more. I know none of my past relationships have worked, and that the start of this relationship feels SO MUCH DIFFERENT than my past failed attempts...and different isn't bad...but in this instance I don't feel like lack of passion is something I'm willing to compromise.

What to do...what to do! (hmph).

*we split all tabs...went to three different bars...played nintendo, laughed a bit, caught up....but again, I didn't feel any sparks.

**he came over to watch a football game.

Jealous. Resentful. Sexually frustrated.

Those are three not-so-positive things that seem to be encompassing my mood lately.

B$, a longtime friend of mine, has met the man of her dreams. They met three weeks ago, and in that time they've become a dreaded "we."

In case you're unfamiliar, a "we" person is one whose identity shifts from being independent, to being completely dependent. Instead of making independent decisions, a "we" person replaces the word "I" with "we." Friends ignore phone calls because they're spending time talking (non-stop) with their new beau. Plans are left up in the air because they aren't quite sure if the "we" has made a prior commitment...you get my drift? Yeah, it's not so much fun for those of us (read:ME) who aren't included in the "we."

Prior to meeting Mr. Right, B$ had been single all of nine months. In that time, the two of us related the way only single girls know how....we went out to group happy hours together, chatted, and would spontaneously hang out because everyone around us were in a relationships....

Now-a-days, I feel like I've lost a friend to the world of the "relationship"..and it's totally bumming me out.

Granted, this has nothing to do with my sexual frustration which is inevitable because woe is me.

I'm jealous that she became a "we", abandoning one of her long-time single friends*. I'm resentful that my life choices have lead me to becoming a single mother sans Mr. Right.

I've always been a hopeless romantic..but these days I'm beginning to become more and more hopeless...sans the romance. There's still a light inside of me that knows it'll be my turn, soon enough. I can't help but witness the light fade, ever so slightly, with each day that passes.

*something that torments me is I'm actually VERY happy for her...I'm just disgruntled at the time being because adjusting to a change like this is tough for me to digest.

Random Blabberings...

Allergies are really cramping my style (not really, but mostly). The weekend was marvelously beautiful...and what did this chick do about it? Nothing. She did laundry, watched a few movies from the redbox, and sat idly alone (and by alone I mean just myself and baby boy). It was a (much needed) quiet weekend. I attempted to make plans with people last Thursday, but was met with resistance. So, in lieu of harassing calling people continuously, I just did my thang (e.g. laundry, cooking, KIND OF cleaning, watching movies after baby boy was in bed).

Now, I'm not complaining in the least (well, that's a bit of a lie, because I AM), but I don't like not having things to do, or people to hang out with. I'm fairly certain the highlight of my weekend was a spontaneous call from B$ around 9:15 on Sunday night asking if she could swing by. My place was a mess, but I welcomed the company.

I get slightly bummed when I find out via shut-your-facebook that those I asked to hang out prior to the weekend had made plans with one another and excluded me. (read: smallest violin player playing the saddest song just.for.me).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, I'm over it.

Guess this girl is gonna keep fakin it until I make it (or at least until I find a group of people who like me, just as I am....).


p.s. Kind of still wish I could hear from Alaska...hmph.