Thursday, February 13, 2014

My moment

How does a person cope when they feel like is just too damn busy?  Me....I get irritable and the inevitable unveils itself in the form of ugly crying.  On my way to the gym after work yesterday, I felt it bubbling in the pit of my stomach; sheer and utter irritability.  My mind began to race; work (which isn't going the greatest), school (I'm only one week into the semester), parenting (I feel like a complete failure and disconnected from my son), my non-fitness level (I'm about 100lbs overweight, and can't seem to see the light at the end of the fitness tunnel), dating (why in the hell is dating/relationships so flipping complicated), money (the fact that I DON'T HAVE ANY REGARDLESS OF HOW HARD I WORK)....all these thoughts bubbling in my stomach like the calm before the storm.

To help refocus, I tried to only focus on the small group work out I was heading to.  I raced through the gym doors, and had made some pretty great time managing to ONLY be five minutes late.  Do I think the workout helped?  Considering I ugly cried at my locker after the workout, I'd answer with a "maybe."

My heart is screaming at me to be patient; this is only temporary, and focus on the good stuff (DAMMIT).  Then my head enters the room...and my head is a royal bitch.  Quieting my head has got to be the key to my success, and what better way to quiet the screams then dive head-first into loads of work (that I'm expected to do in the first place).

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And on a slightly separate note, I am so ready for this crappy winter to be over.  This mama needs the sun back, and clear roads to walk around at night....birds, flowers and green grass help a bit too.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Beating my negative self

You're not good enough.
What guy would want you?
You're too fat.
You're going to be alone and that's just the way it is.

The affirmations listed above had been permeating my very being for a loooooooong time (like, since as far back as I can remember).  I honestly think turning 30 allowed me to challenge those negative affirmations that had been haunting me; particularly because I had not fulfilled two of my large life goals (graduating from college and being married) before my age ticked out of my 20's. 

Twice in a month, my son told me he wanted me to date.  How does a girl go into the dating world when negative mantras are repeated regularly?  Answer: She doesn't.

Something gave, more specifically the second time he mentioned his desire for mama to start dating.  Sure, I've given the wonderful world of relationships an elementary effort in the years since becoming a mom....but never really had given it a good college try.

This time has been different.  This time, these are the mantra's I've been constantly repeating (while looking in the mirror):

Damn I look good.
Hello there!  You get'm girl.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
You deserve to have fun.
You deserve to be treated like a princess.

Monday, January 27, 2014

The one where I realize life is pretty damn good.

I'm nearing the end of my 30th year of life.  In two short weeks, I'll turn 31 and no longer be considered a 30 year old, rather, a 30-something.  If you can't tell, I hadn't been all too excited.

As I faced exiting my 20's last year, I was a debbie-downer because I was still single, out of shape, blah blah blah; and as I vented my concerns to friends, the response I kept hearing was unanimous. 


"Being 30 has been the best so far."

The statement was far too abstract for my over-analytical mind to fully comprehend...until a few weeks ago when I was overcome with a mini-epiphany; being 30 actually was pretty kick ass.  In the past 11 months, I've taken an awesome trip to Las Vegas, spent time doing things that charge my battery (like digging in my gardens), gone on some mini road trips, shared some hilarious moments with friends, was the shoulder for other friends to cry on when life felt rough, purchased a chicken coop (but have yet to get birds), leaned on other friends when I thought life felt rough, taught my son how to ice skate (among many other awesome memories we created), and just acted like me (without the stress or anxiety of "messing things up"). 

My fresh, care-free perspective also lead me to re-activate a membership with an online dating website.  I've even met a man from the site, and to be honest, I'm currently smitten.  I can't help but ask myself; are things working out because I've FINALLY decided to let go of the majority of my insecurities....or is life finally deciding it's high time to start working like a well-oiled machine?  I suppose I'll never have a concrete answer, but dammit I'm bound and determined to enjoy the ride.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

First 2nd Date of 2014

After my son told me (on two separate occasions, mind you) that all he wanted was for me to date someone, I couldn't resist dusting off my dating cobwebs, and re-committing to an online dating subscription.  Why online dating?  When you are on a budget, are a 100% solo parent (meaning my son is with me 24/7), work full time, and am still in college full time all I can squeeze into my schedule is some online flirting with the hopes that one of the more attractive male subscribers will be interested enough in my quirky online-self to setup a date (could I write a longer sentence?!). 
I have going for me what almost every other over weight girl has going for them; I've got a great personality.  Almost in a depressing way.  Depressing because I feel like I'm so much more than just a great personality, but then mirrors and wobbly bits enter the picture, and they hide me from the sexy great guys.

I recently went on two dates with a 32 year old single father.  He has two boys, blonde hair, blue eyes, is beyond hot...and did I mention he's super in shape?  We've been out twice; the first time meeting for wine and spending three hours talking.  The second time was initiated by me (at the end of our first date).  We went to a comedy club and had a few drinks.  It was nice.  He's nice; to look at, to talk with. 

There's a little demon inside of me nagging "he's out of your league! what are you doing?! he must just be a nice guy, too nice to say he's not interested." 

I don't know how to break away from my negative cycle of self doubt.  At the end of the second date there was no kiss.  I bit my tongue to see if he was into me at the end of our date, and no, he didn't setup another time for us to see each other.  My (rather large and wobbly) gut is telling me he's just not that into me.  I want to accept it, and I have accepted it, but damn that's a depressing thing to do.  I feel like he's not into me because I'm not fit....and not in a shallow way either.  I believe he's such a great guy that he literally deserves a woman who is as cool as me, but looks like a barbie.  As cool as I am, I'm never going to be a barbie...hell, I wasn't even a barbie before I had my son (and getting pregnant living solo and fighting off mental demons the past eight years has certainly expanded my waste line in ways I wish it hadn't). 

What's a girl to do?

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A year in review

I am not quiet about the fact that I really didn't like the year 2013.  Most of it was a headache.  Drama-filled.  Stressful.  Is it really fair of me to blame 365 days on a number?  Meh, probably not fair, rational or reasonable...but it's what I'm doing (and I'm not feeling the least bit guilty about it).  Then again, is it more appropriate to blame the past 365 days on me?  The stress, drama-induced grossness on the fact that I really never took the time to really dig deep and figure who I am, what I want and where I want to be.

The next 365 days I want to dedicate to just that.  Digging deep.  Holding myself accountable for life.  Slowing down (a LOT).  Making sure my time spent is well spent and spewing with high amounts of quality. 

A person I know shared words of his friend.  Words that are the epitome of digging deep.  Words I am going to do my best to live by for the next 365 days:

"A resolution is a “firm determination”. It’s a firm decision to do something or to refrain from doing something. It’s a determination of an action. And why do we fail to keep these resolutions? Because the desire for change isn’t a strong enough force to bring about lasting change. Desire is only part of the puzzle. And actions disconnected from belief and conviction are empty motions that may build your reputation but do nothing for your character. Desire comes from the heart. Conviction comes from the soul. Belief is harbored in the mind. And actions are simply our bodies outward expression of what the rest of our Self is saying. If you want to experience true change entertain my list of 14 New Years resolutions for 2014. None are actions, but your actions might be shaped if you’re willing to let them be. 1. Know that you can Give even when it’s not the Holiday season. FYI: People are NOT in greater need in December. There are 11 other months and endless opportunities to Give throughout year. 2. Be humble. Stand at the foot of a mountain, at the edge of the ocean, or in the middle of a forest and ask yourself,”What did I do to contribute to this creation?” Hint: The answer is “Nothing”. You’re not that big of a deal. 3. Believe that your self-worth is not rooted in the number of “likes” you get. 4. Believe that WHO you are is more important that what you own, where you live, or what you drive. 5. Listen to your soul before you listen to your heart. How can you tell the difference? You typically don’t really want to do what your soul is whispering to you. And your heart often screams louder than your better judgment. 6. Know that health isn’t measured by numbers and isn’t achieved by pills. 7. Know that Hope doesn’t cost a thing. But it’s the best investment. 8. Understand the difference between “being known” and “being famous”. Our soul wants one and our heart wants another. Try to figure out which wants which. 9. Know that there is a fine line and a huge difference between confidence and arrogance. 10. Believe that phone calls and conversations are more powerful than Tweets and Posts. 11. Believe that someone else can learn from your biggest mistake. 12. Know that you can’t effectively care for someone you think less of. If you serve someone you think less of, you’re only serving yourself. Work hard to dignify those you serve. 13. Commit to seeing the potential in someone before seeing the problems. 14. Believe in the power of presence. Show up more. May 2014 bring you more opportunities to do good. May we all look to live beyond ourselves and have the courage to change the world within us before the world around us."

Cheers!

Friday, October 25, 2013

Seriously.

I am REALLY GOOD at faking it (take your mind out of the gutters).  I walk into rooms, make eye contact, smile, say hello in a voice people can hear.  I EXUDE confidence.  It seeps from my pores when I'm in public.  I'm here to tell you, the adage of faking it until you make in terms of 'being content being single because then "POOF!" the magical "right guy" will come along and knock you off your feet' is bullshit.  BULLSHIT. (and I don't feel bad for saying so, seeing as I'm drafting this on "profanity Friday").

Maybe I'm getting the entire concept of "faking it" wrong; last time I checked, to fake being happy was to do just what I've been doing....??

I smile.
I say hello.
I laugh.
I engage myself in conversations.
I ask questions and listen to others around me.
What am I missing?

After letting my last online dating subscription expire, I've swallowed a bit more pride and re-signed up for a different online dating website.  Since it's been about five years since I've done this, I'm curious to see what has changed with this service (and will be the least bit surprised if much aside from the web graphics have changed).

While filling out my freshly minted profile, I was asked the typical "pick three words your friends would use to describe you."  What a malarkey thing to ask someone.  First,  if my friends would be picking these words how in the hell WOULD I KNOW what they would pick?!  Second, barf.

On a whim I messaged a close friend, a guy, who also happens to be gay, and asked him to pick three words to describe me.  His words?  Funny, energetic, and driven.  Interesting because I wouldn't have picked those words to describe me AT. ALL.  (See?  I've foiled this stupid system already).

Here's to round BAZILLION in the online dating ring; and subsequently a bank account that is less $200.00.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

More than most



I have manners
People laugh at how I say the words “mittens” and “buttons” (because the graces of my Minnesotan accent make me innately over-annunciate the “t’s”).
I am thrown off when men compliment me, or hold doors (not because I don’t enjoy these things, but more because they happen so rarely I don’t know how to respond when such things happen).
I wear my heart on my sleeve; not in a cliché way, either…more in a way that I allow myself to be as open as possible .
Almost all people are busy, but being busy is no excuse to not make time for someone;  I work 40+ hours per week, am taking 12 college credits and am a solo parent.  If you tell me you’re too busy to set aside time, then I’ll move on…because if you can’t find time in your “busy schedule” to make time for me, I will not sacrifice time in my impossible schedule for you.
I tend to try and make jokes out of situations when I feel extremely uncomfortable; in fact, the more uncomfortable, the more inappropriate my jokes seem to be.
I get secretively excited when I get to ride in a car because 99% of the time I am the one driving.
I am forward in a way in which I will tell you how I am feeling, but will do so in an attempt to spare your feelings if I think what I have to say is harsh.
I crave spontaneity…especially because my schedule forces me to be fairly regimented.  Many times, my spontaneity comes out through extremely random conversations
I am a tried and true hopeless romantic.
I absolutely need to work on my own self confidence.
With everything I’ve listed above, I can say without blinking an eye that I am open to love.


Focusing on what I have is far more important to me these days than on things that I don’t.  One could argue that many of the things I’ve listed above are things I have; but the means to the end of the items listed above is the sole fact that I do NOT have a partner who appreciates those things in me….

So what do I have?

I have a little boy who is absolutely amazing.  His eyes read me in ways I’ve never been read before.  Our shared quirky humor regularly catches me off guard for never in a million years could I have imagined another person would get me.  Sure, he’s all of seven and a half years old, but we are connected in an amazing way, and I am beyond grateful that I am his mother.  He’s one of the sweetest little men that I know, and I hope with all my hearts some of the lessons (like NEVER EVER EVER make plans with someone and drop them off after 20 minutes) sticks inside his memory.  Instilling the decency within him, through small little lessons to truly treat others with the same kindness and respect you wish to receive will ultimately be my greatest reward….doing these things I don’t need another half, I just need myself. 

I often repeat that I truly am happy being single, and in the same breath I ask if anyone around me knows of any other single guys.  I ask because I don’t want others to assume that, just because I’m open about being comfortable being single, means that I am NOT open to meeting a man and sharing my life; ultimately, I deeply want to share my life with a partner but when you don’t have something you REALLY REALLY WANT what’s the best course of action?  Is overstating how content I am being single the opposite of action?