Saturday, December 6, 2014

Harmony and Hope

Another holiday season is upon me, and I still find myself, Single plus 1.5 (the .5 being the dog)....and I'm ok with that; mostly..

I'm ok I don't have to consult another adult for the majority of my choices.
I'm ok I'm the only adult I truly have to answer to when I make any decision.
I'm ok, really, I am.

Am I happy?  Not necessarily; but I'm not unhappy either.

Much like a blogger friend who had written seven years ago, I'm still filled with hopes and dreams that I'll find a man who will be able to deal with my crazy-self.  A man who will want to be a father figure to my son.  A man who will want to go to sleep next to me, and not be afraid when I have crazy, irrational, over-analytic mood swings.

Statistically, he has to be out there, right?

I'm thinking tonight I need to scroll my own sharpie prophecy.  Aside from a love partner, I want harmony around me.  I've seen sides of humanity that are exclusionary and snobby; but also sides of humanity that are brilliant, graceful, and a way I would strive to live.  These sides of humanity I've seen rear themselves within the course of a week.

I've had to protect my son from the ugly sides of humanity; through purposefully removing myself from a "family" gathering (the term family used lightly because, although we might be blood-related, I don't define family as people who are arrogant and off putting towards me, I digress).  I don't believe I'm the only person who feels as though they have absolutely nothing in common with the majority of their family; it never ceases to perplex me, but as much as I want to know "why" I would rather spend my time and energy with my friends (the people who I believe are my true family).

I've also exposed my son to sides of humanity that are so inspiring I can't really find the right words to describe how inspiring and uplifting it is.  People who have lived life regardless of impending tragedy, with an insane amount of grace, poise and humor.

Sitting in our living room on a Saturday night, my son is recording goofy videos on his Kindle, my dog is running around the living room trying to talk someone into playing with him.  My son's giggles would make anyone smile.  His soul is pure, and I'm terrified every single day that I'm going to taint him; mess him up and fail to be the best that I can be for him.

All while this heart-warming chaos unfolds, here I sit.  Pouring my heart into my computer because it's my outlet; one that I don't use quite as often as I should.

The glow of the holiday lights surround me, trying to convince me that the holidays can be peaceful and joyful when my extended family life is an absolute mess.  For the shortest moments the twinkle that surrounds me tempts me to forget about the addicts

As I crawl under the cold sheets tonight, I've still not lost hope.  Hope I will find my partner to fill the large void in my life, and hope that harmony is close to becoming my reality.

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