Tuesday, August 31, 2010
It's so frustrating to feel so completely disconnected from your parents, especially when they live within 20minutes from you, and are alive, breathing, but mentally unhealthy.
I have little to no common ground with either of my parents, but my relationship with my mom is ugly.
Passive aggressive. (read: I get my sarcastic whit from my father)
Bottled feelings. (read: the woman drinks...a lot)
I refuse to bring my son to her house on a regular basis because they regularly smoke...inside....and I wish it were just cigarettes.
I have moments like these a few times a year...where I feel emotionally beaten to a frustrated lump of a person. Eeyore syndrome flows through my veins uncontrollably. All I want to do is punch a few pillows, scream, then sink into my bed pulling the covers over my head... wishing, hoping and praying for a change in my life long failed relationship with my mom.
I need help relating to her. I need her to choose to quit drinking. I need her to choose to be a responsible grandmother, just as I've chosen to be a responsible parent. I need my mom to be a mom, and not a selfish 50 year old woman. I need to stop feeling so much resentment towards her.
Co-counseling feels like the only option I have left.
I've tried sitting down at her house, telling her my feelings. Shit hits the fan and nothing is accomplished. = fail.
I've tried meeting with her, one on one, in a public place. I always feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel...but when we follow through and attempt to "hang out" post serious discussion, she (literally) reverted to texting and wondering off to smoke. = fail.
I've tried to have shouting matches with her. = fail.
I've tried to explain myself through ugly crying. = fail.
Dammit I am so sick of trying.
But I will continue to try....hence, counseling. (is it horrible of me to hope and pray that her insurance will cover this?!)
On a semi-unrelated note:
I am SOOOOOO ready for August to be OVER. It's been a great year, but good LORD August has kicked my rear upside down and backwards. So, here's to you, September, it took ya long enough to get here!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I am still bitter and pretty annoyed at the thought of him, and the emotional trap I allowed myself to fall into...but it's over. Done. Finito. No sense focusing my time and energy on a person whose choices don't include me, right? Right.
Out of pure silliness, I posted a profile on a laughable dating website. Don't get me wrong, there are great people on the site...it's more like the TJ Maxx of the dating world...you have to weed through a LOT of crap to find a decent guy.
If you're unfamiliar with the site, they've added a feature where their computer sends you three matches that they feel are credible. You have the option to message your match, or to reject him..yadda yadda yadda.
Where am I going with this?
Last night, they effing sent me Tall Boy as a match.
I haven't looked at his profile (as tempted as I am to do so).
I haven't rejected his profile. It's sitting in my account.
And on an awesome, unrelated note...I totally pulled my groin muscle last night* (or as I like to refer to, my inner-thigh muscle...since that sounds less like I have a man-unit than groin).
Anyone have a magical cure for a strained inner-thigh muscle...because OUCH.
*I wish I could say the injury took place in the bedroom....but it didn't. Just my luck, right?! (or lack there of...hmph)
Friday, August 20, 2010
It's been a tough ride...two steps forward, two steps back, blah blah blah. In a nutshell, I talked myself into attending this place. The program fit my schedule, and it seemed almost too good to be true....
My first red flag was the lack of response time from the college itself.
My second red flag was the "financial aid" package I was receiving.
My third red flag, a Nightline story on for-profit institutions.
As I sat on my couch soaking the story in, my brain was shouting "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFING KIDDING ME! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! I ALMOST WAS DUPED!!!!"
See, I don't think the university is a "bad" place, but my doubts have led me to the surmise that it isn't the right place for me or for my future. I want to look back and be proud of the hours I devoted to studying....I don't want to constantly justify my collegiate choice for the rest of my life. So...as of this point, I'm an email away from formally withdrawing myself from AU, and I have an appointment with an admissions counselor at a MNSCU school.
The new school will be a tougher road than the former...but I think a little hard work is exactly what I need.
Do you know anyone who has a bachelors degree from a for-profit school (eg, University of Phoenix, Argosy, etc.)? How is their degree received? Am I being ridiculous?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I kept faking it to myself that I wasn't hurt by Tall Boy...but I was.
Sure, there are positives that have come out of the Tall Boy saga:
- First hot make out session in a long time
- Fun watching a movie laying in someone's arms
- I felt mildly attractive for the first time in 2010
- I put myself out there
- I stayed true to my morals
But here are the haunting negatives (dammit why is there always a "but"?!):
- The awkward goodbye made me feel cheap
- I went out on a limb and sent him an email a week ago...he never responded.
- What the hell do I have to do to get a man that I'm interested in RECIPROCATE HIS FEELINGS?!
- I feel defeated in dating because I rarely get opportunities to meet men
So, since list making mode is my forte today, here's how I'm going to turn the negatives around (I know y'all are DYING TO KNOW as you secretly roll your eyes)
- Awkward goodbye or not, I made out with a hottie and I loved it.
- It's his loss if he doesn't respond to my email. I rock. Period, the end.
- The right man will be the man who reciprocates feelings.
- I will make opportunities and soak up life to the best of my ability.
In a nutshell, no more eeyore attitude for this chick. Life is too damn short to spend it sulking.
Friday, August 6, 2010
"DO NOT SIN OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"READ THE BIBLE OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"PRAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
Ok, not every sentence or spiritual directive said to me ended in go to hell, but that's the funny thing about Catholics...they have this uncanny way of ALWAYS making you feel like you will actually go to hell if you don't do this or don't believe that.
Enter my senior year of high school. I (OF COURSE) was confirmed. It was something I was more or less forced to do. The classes were fine, but my favorite part was having heated spiritual discussions so I guess I have my confirmation leader to thank for that.
Enter my early twenties. I rarely ever went to church. Then BOOM, I found myself 23 years old, pregnant and unmarried (GASP I AM GOING TO HELL). Of course my guilt lead me to tears many days, and when baby boy was four months old I attempted to go to church with my mother.
Biggest. Mistake. Ever.
Not only did I feel as if I didn't belong, I ugly cried the moment I got to the car after church was over. To me, being a spiritual person shouldn't have entailed making me feel that way. Ever.
Enter today. I have a new outlook on my life and the role religion (specifically spirituality) plays in it. I do not believe in the same ideas of Catholicism, or even Christianity (I can't wrap my head around how someone can worship a "so called man" who SUPPOSEDLY did all of these things. I can't wrap my head around a book that I whole heartily believe was made up hundreds of years ago to shut people up who were commoners and asking questions. I digress).
What do I believe?
I believe in Humanity. Show me a church or gathering that gets together to celebrate Humanity and I'm in.
People can do horrible things. I've witnessed many of these heinous acts firsthand...
People can also be absolutely amazing, unselfish, wonderful and uplifting. These amazing people are what I label as Humanity.
Humanity is my "God". Living by the Golden Rule* is my life (at least, living by the golden rule as best I can...).
*JUST in case you're unfamiliar, my Golden Rule is to treat others as if you would want to be treated. Period. The end.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Resting on that fact...I know he's out there, somewhere. The perfect man to complete my heart and soul. I just know it.
**This message brought to you by the letter I, because I need assurance right now that everything really truly will be ok.**
Sunday, August 1, 2010
1:15pm. I sit holding my phone mentally debating if I should call him. I've had a sitter fall into my lap for tomorrow night and want to see him...but my inner self screams NO IT'S TOO SOON! LET HIM CALL YOU....but since when do I listen to myself?
I hit "send" and my heart immediately begins racing.
Ring, ring, ring, ring aaaaaaand to voicemail I went.
I was hoping he would answer but expecting his voicemail. Either way I had a plan for what I was going to say to prevent my normal brainfarts from overcoming me like they do far too often.
"Hi, I know this is slightly bold and brazin, but a friend of mine wanted to watch baby boy tomorrow night so I was thinking we could hang out. If we don't hang out I'll most likely wind up reading a book at a coffee shop, so if you could call me back to let me know that would be great. Hope you're having a good weekend"
I haven't heard back from him, and, again I'm hoping for the best but expecting absolutely nothing. The best gift I can offer him is a choice.
As I was laying in bed tonight, I heard a quote on the radio "the first time you are a victim and the second time you are a volunteer." So sue me. I AM a volunteer with him... but I refuse to be a fool, I deserve more than that.