Wednesday, October 31, 2012
See, this platform (my blog), was created to help me air frustrations, joys, inner-thoughts, secrets (if you will), in a safe, judgement-free environment. Sure, this is sort of my dirty little semi-private public diary.....but if I wasn't alright with that I wouldn't take the time every so often to post here.
What would I do if I didn't have this tiny little corner of the interwebz? I haven't a flipping clue.
I'm the type of person who analyzes. everything. I'm the type of person who needs to let strong thoughts and feelings out lest the potential for spontaneous combustion increases to dangerous levels.
I'm a person who wishes she had a tight close-knit group of friends. In a random way, I kinda sorta do...but at the same time, I kinda sorta don't. I have people in my life I love and respect because they're amazing. Most of these people are compartmentalized due to various reasons such as marital status, the medium in which our relationship began (e.g. work, college, high school, etc.), children (or lack thereof), or geographical location. I see others around me (lets be real, mostly through facebook), and I become instantly jealous of what appears to be tight-knit groups everyone but me seems to belong to (wah waaahhh....now's the time where I start rolling my eyes at myself because I sound and feel like I'm being a ginormous baby).
My feelings, although seemingly silly at times, are mine. I'm not ashamed. At times my feelings seem unjustified though, because although I'm not in a "consistent defined group of friends" there are times when the people whom I love and care about come out of the woodwork to support me. The support I'm shown in times of great need are enough to bring a handful of tears to my eyes. The support people generously dish out is also enough to enhance my strong belief in humanity.
Looking past the few people who try to frustrate the hell out of me on a regular basis, I am so grateful for my current social situation. I'm am equally grateful for this small corner of the web, and for the sake of my sanity, I'll keep this corner of the web going.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Why am I so upset? First of all, I asked you over six months ago if you wanted my help finding a new job. Never once did I say or imply that you NEEDED my help, but I asked you, and you said you’d take all of the help you could get. So what did I do? I started asking around, and found a solid job lead. I went so far as to personally recommend you, and when you refused to speak with me to get your resume lined up, while simultaneously never responding to me, it made me look like an idiot in a professional environment. To turn around my generosity by telling mom, dad and WHOEVER else that I was being a bitch was absolutely juvenile, disrespectful, and inappropriate. At that point in the past three and a half months, I decided I had nothing nice to say to you, so I chose to say nothing at all. The behavior towards me around the fourth of July regarding my son was the cherry on the Sunday.
Here’s where my issues lay: Drugs appear to be number one on your agenda. This is evident through your behaviors and actions the entire trip home from California, and the days that followed. This is also evident through you telling your daughter’s mother that you were planning to grow and sell drugs. Not cool. Not funny. Not responsible. Not a person I choose to surround myself or my son with.
I’m confused why you think asking me about the yard is and/or was an attempt to speak with me. It was a question that required a yes or no answer. I answered you. Had I chosen to walk away without saying a word, I could understand telling both Mom and Dad that I was blatantly ignoring you, but I didn’t…your words to them were a bit out of line.
It all boils down to the fact that I believe you still have a lot of growing up to do, and attempting to have a relationship with you while you’re at this point in your life proved to be too stressful and non-productive. So the path I chose was to move on, and stop trying. I work full time. I parent full time. I am enrolled in college full time. I don’t have TIME to deal with immaturity and irresponsibility. If and when you grow up, (and decide to make responsible choices) I hope you will realize how hurtful and disrespectful your actions have been towards me, your nephew, your daughter, Mom, Dad…and most of all, yourself.
Dammit , life is too short to spend your time living the way you’ve been living. Would you have your job if they found out about the drugs? Nope. If you can’t expect an employer to employ the real you, how can you expect non-drug users to tolerate you too? The logic is completely lost on me.
Also, everything I’ve said above are words I’ve spoken to Mom as well. I’m a firm believer that I will only say things in life that I am willing to say directly to the person. I know words from you have been thrown Mom’s way about me (stating I was being a bitch, etc). If you think being assertive about living a respectful life is bitchy, then so be it, because I don’t feel bad for standing up for myself or my son.
All of these thoughts and feelings are on the eve of what could be the most challenging years of our lives. You and I both know there’s something going on with Dad. I haven’t a flipping clue how to approach him. I’m scared (terrified, really). I’ve expressed my concerns and frustrations with mom, and she’s let it be known that you’ve experienced the same frustrations. I don’t know what to do, or how to even approach the situation. I feel it’s something that needs to be approached delicately as well.
So allow your emotions to get the better of this situation. Allow yourself to be annoyed at me for caring about you too much to tolerate the idiotic drug induced behavior. Ignore my cautionary feelings. Do what you want. You’re a grown adult, and these thoughts and feelings are coming from a place of love, it’s as simple as that. My hope is for you to reflect on this situation and see where the missteps were, man-up, recognize them, apologize, and not repeat the same mistakes.
This is my attempt to explain where I am coming from, and why I feel the way I do. Normally I wouldn't justify spending the time to explain myself, but this isn't a normal situation; we're family.
Monday, October 8, 2012
I roll over to go to sleep, excited for what my dreams might bring me, after all, my daytime dreams have already been answered. He wraps his arm around me, slowly brushing my hair off of my neck, pressing his soft lips against my neck. I roll over, and our eyes connect. I never imagined this many passionate feelings could rush through my body on such a regular basis. I go to sleep that night, every nerve in my body euphoric, satisfied, and peaceful.
He loves me.
I love him.
Not a single word above is my reality. What's my reality? Jumping into cold sheets at night...alone. Going to sleep....alone. Waking up...alone. I'll never give up on my dream of having him in my life. Christ, I'll never give up on actually figuring out who my "him" is! I'm a driven person, who has a lot on her plate right now; read: near full-time undergrad coursework, full-time job, homeowner, full-time single parent of a very active little boy, and all of the responsible goodies that come with the previous titles. Someday it will be my turn to share the great news of a proposal, and perhaps even an announcement of new little feet...but for now, today, in this moment, I'm content trudging through life solo because I can't possibly imagine squeezing in a second of time to find "him", especially with all life is throwing at me right now.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Here's the FABULOUSLY EXCITING grub I stuffed in my face yesterday:
2 - 20oz coffee's
1 chocolate dessert bar; made by said coffee shop that was surprisingly decent (however, I wouldn't buy it again...go figure)
2 - 8oz glasses of water
A spicy chicken Korean dish (it was to die for, and more or less like a soup with lots of peppers and nothing was fried...yay!)
a small dish of steamed rice to accompany said soup, along with a few different small serving varieties of Kim-Chi
1/2 flat bread topped with a chicken cesar salad
1 - 16oz soda
...Again, not the healthiest....but the water was an improvement from day-1.
Last night I had a group meeting for school. The class I'm taking requires a boat-load of small group work (lucky me!...can you SENSE the SARCASM here?!). We met, and it wasn't as horribly painstaking as I had anticipated, but then again I wasn't able to walk or get any sort of sweat on.
Thankfully, since I know every person in the world is WANTING and CRAVING this next tid bit of info; I've got time tonight to devote to a solid 45 minute walk. Yeehaw. Here's to (hopefully) staying on the right track (ha, no pun intended....track....get it? like, the one you run on? ok, I've obviously reached a limit on my sanity...good bye until tomorrow).
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
To battle my bulge on all fronts, I have to take an unfortunate look at my diet (insert cringe faces and extreme eye rolls on my behalf...can you tell I'm "loving" this?!).
1 20oz bottle regular coke
1 felafel gyro from Dinos; with lettuce, onions, tzatziki, black olives, and tomatoes
1 side greek rice (also from Dinos)
1 raspberry bar
1 20oz black coffee with half''n half, skim milk and a shot of vanilla syrup
1 double cheeseburger from Burger King
1/2 of a small order of onion rings
Good lord, my diet sucks. I'm ALMOST contemplating doing a calorie count of all that deliciousness, but I'm terrified.
The important thing missing? Water. I need need NEEDz to drink me some more water (insert my annoyance here...because, let's be real, it's ANNOYING TO DRINK A LOT OF WATER....you have to use the bathroom more, and then there's the whole "gotta get up and refill my glass for that 4th time today" blah blah blah).
Note to self: must develop more patience, especially patience in the "drinking water" arena.
Mini hike with my son's cub scouts troop - 20 minutes
Extended (more intense) walk with my neighbor - 40 minutes
My pants still feel a bit tight, but I'd say that counts as a mildly successful Day-1.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
Why do I use such strong, negative words to describe him? Well...first there was the fact that he beat her to the point where he was taken to jail while they were married. Paired with the fact that he continuously tries to manipulate the kids into hating their mother. Also, the court system with which they live in is a waste of government money, and refuses to recognize how horrible of a person this man is, hence, still forces my friend's children to spend time with their father. He is constantly spanking his middle child, a child with special needs, a child who needs love and guidance, not to be hit (note, there have been times when I've spanked my son, I'll be the first to admit that...however, I do not have anger issues like this man. I have NEVER beat someone to a bloody pulp because I was angry/out of control....and I was also not COURT ORDERED TO NOT HIT MY CHILDREN LIKE THIS MAN HAS BEEN)...the list could go on and on for years, really.
What is this "right thing" that has been eating at my intuition? Well...this worthless piece of a human being has been seeing someone for about six months. I don't know this person, and frankly, I KNOW it's none of my business...but my gut instinct has been telling me that he has hit her as well. I've been in horrible situations of abuse before. I know how damn-near impossible it is to recognize that you are far above the situation your abuser is putting you in. I want to help.
Does helping entail sitting back and doing nothing? I swear by the grace of God, this man shouldn't be allowed to live....honestly, everyone would be better off if he weren't wasting air and space.
I've also been EXTREMELY tempted to post the stophitting.org website on his facebook page. I've got my ways of posting anonymously...and seriously, I think I'm going to do it...but will it accomplish anything? Will it add unnecessary fuel to his fiery heart? Will he keep hurting his kids?
What can I honestly do to help in a situation where I feel absolutely helpless?
Monday, May 14, 2012
I've done all of the dating websites a couple of times; match.com, yahoo personals, eharmony, even the free okcupid. Not one has landed me in a substantial relationship. Sure, I've had some mediocre to HORRIBLE dates....but the entire process felt like a waste of time.
Maybe I'm not made for online dating (?). Maybe I just haven't had enough patience to meet "the one." Maybe maybe maybe.....see? I have no flipping clue what to do or how I should think about online dating. My emotions are COMPLETELY conflicted. Not to mention, the ridiculous commercials currently running for eharmony....I can't help but give props to their evil genius marketing group, because (yes) I want to try it out again.
What's a single-full time job holding-college student-parent to do?! S.O.S. I will be the first to admit I've come to terms with being single. It's what I know. It's kind of my bag, baby. But I'll secretively whisper within the same breath that I really want to find a guy to date. I refuse to give up hope that he's out there, and we just need to meet each other when the time is right and POOF! Instant relationship is born.
Then I mentally revert back to the fact that I am OH SO TOTALLY STUCK IN MY WAYS, which, yes, I KNOW I've mentioned this already...blah blah blah.
Between school, work, single-parenting and gardening...I am confident I could set aside a few couple of nights to a romantic interest...so long as he's funny, mildly attractive, and there's a dash of chemistry...but for the love of god I am so damn torn as to how I'm going to actually get myself to a place where I can cross this goal off of my bucket list.
My love life has been trapped in a vicious cycle of annoyance. I'm going to try to date, I give up on dating, I'm going to try online dating, I'm going to try to date (anyone know any single guys), I give up on dating...rinse, wash, repeat.
I'm all for being a spontaneous idiot, so perhaps I'll sign up tonight and see where the wind blows...then again, I have zero flattering pics of myself...so most likely I'll back out and forgetaboutit...or will I?
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
- Day 1 of 2012 baby boy cracked his head open....and WHOA BOY it was a bleeder.
- Day 3 I walked into a house for sale, and knew it was "the one".
- Day 6 after getting my dad involved in said house, had an accepted purchase agreement
- Day 23 I began talking with 21
- Day 28 I jumped into a frozen lake
- Day 31 I closed on a great house, accomplishing a long standing goal of raising baby boy in a single family home, affording him the opportunity to play outside, ride his bike, and make friends with kids in the neighborhood (while simultaneously affording myself with the LUXURY of doing laundry without needed quarters).
- Day 35 I moved into said house
- Day 39 I turned 29....thus beginning my 1 year countdown towards the exit of my 20's (yikes)
- Day 41 I handed over the keys to my old apartment...it was truly a bittersweet moment
- Day 50 baby boy turned six
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The text…..I loathe the text for multiple reasons, and when I share my initial disdain I’m greeted with nothing but gasps and odd looks. People have become dependent on the text, and I think that’s BS. Sure, I’ve been known to text here and there, but there’s so much MORE to be said about an actual conversation with someone, where non-verbal cues such as tone of voice play a large roll when you’re communicating your message.
I actually have a few specific reasons why I hate texting:
1. It’s completely impersonal
2. It’s WAY MORE distracting to others around you (specifically others you’re hanging out with) if you’ve got your nose in your phone and your thumbs moving a billion miles a minutes when the conversation you’re desperately trying to have with the person you’re texting could be over and done within three minutes
3. It’s way too damn immediate for comfort…no different than email really. You can spout off a message, be it cruel or kind, hit the send button and POOF! It’s out there, for the recipient to read and become extremely offended.
Let me elaborate a little more on the lovely reason number three….
People, it’s no secret (here) that there is man in my life I consider the one that got away (although, in looking back through my archives, trying to find a link to the stories of HIM, I came up empty…either I renamed him incredibly well, to the point that I can’t find my tales, or I refused to write about him, I digress…). To refresh your memory, I’ve known said man since I was a senior in high school. We have shared some AMAZING moments in the past ten+ years. Moments that included bar hopping in a small town, jumping in puddles, a couple of make-out sessions, and even a candle lit evening with a bubble bath (one of my most cherished memories, no joke).
I can’t put my thumb on it, but the timing for us NEVER SEEMED TO WORK. Be it we lived in hours apart, one of us was dating someone, then the roles would reverse, etc. etc. etc. It was almost as if karma was playing a cruel trick on my heart. Then, there was the time at the State Fair. The time when I was three months preggo (which, if you aren’t familiar, is a time when a girl looks like she has severe muffin top syndrome, but doesn’t quite look like she’s brewing a baby in her stomach) and at the fair with my ex-bf turned friend. He was there with a girlfriend….and when we ran into each other it was almost as if nobody else existed. Damn it was a great moment…but then we parted ways, and my continued to feel the pain from our poor timing.
Through the grace of god, Facebook was created…which not only gave me the opportunity to secretly (STALK) catch up on things going on in his life, but allowed me the platform to get together with him (although, at this point in my life, I was a single mom of an 18 month old…see? Poor timing).
He’s been engaged for a while now….set to get married this coming fall. I’m happy for him because I want him to be happy, but my stomach churns because we never had a chance to see if it would or wouldn’t have worked.
(stick with me people, I’m slowly but surely getting to my point)
Last night, his Facebook message was this: “I have the night off with nothing to do” so OF COURSE I COULDN’T HELP BUT PICK UP MY PHONE AND TEXT HIM (WHY PEOPLE?!?! WHY?!?!)
“I’m offended you didn’t call me since you had the night off”
…and so it began….a texting conversation that lasted about an hour. I wound up telling him most of what I had been bottling up inside of me for the past seven years. He told me he had wanted to try to date seven years ago….which broke my heart even more. I literally ugly cried while I typed out my feelings. It was really quite sad and pathetic….and nothing he wanted or needed to hear, rather something I needed to tell him. Perhaps I’ve told him these things in the past, but as his wedding date creeps near, I can’t control how upset the thought of things never actually happening between us make me.
I don’t regret the texting last night…but I’d be damned to say that conversation would’ve taken place before the text message existed.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
- Do I shove my tongue down his throat the second I open the door to break the ice?
- Do I answer the door in some skimpy lingerie?
- Do I just play it cool and make him make a move?
Monday, March 5, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Not only did I take the plunge at the end of January, but I also plunged myself back into the dating scene….This time, however, I approached things in a completely different light. Most of the time I had created dating profiles in the past, I had done so completely trying to sell myself, and make men realize that, although I might not look like a Barbie, I am an AWESOME PERSON SO DATE ME OR ELSE. Since that hadn’t seemed to work, and I had only been on a couple of extremely lame dates, I took the path less traveled; the path of putting very few words in the description section.
Interests – Life
First Date – Grab a cup of coffee and see what happens….
I think Karma finally decided to throw me a bone, because one day my inbox had a new message from someone I’ll call 21.
21 is just that, 21 years old. Since I was about to be turning 29 (gross), I was naturally very apprehensive to talk with him…He asked me what I was looking for, and I told him the truth, “A guy to go out with that will make me laugh, and whom I can have a great time with.” When I asked him what he wanted his response was literally “sex” which made me laugh. I tried to politely shoo him on his way, stating that if that’s what I was looking for I wouldn’t be online, and that I hope he had luck in his quest for his next hook up….but he didn’t go away. We kept messaging, and seemed to have clicked online. Some texting and a telephone conversation were followed up by setting up a first date.
Monday, February 13, 2012
- My son was struggling with Kindergarten
- My house hunt was coming to a dull slow pit of nothingness
- ...and then there was the time I rear ended someone on my way to work in the morning.