Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sunday Blues

Today, I sit and I cry. I cry about things that are not. I cry about things that could be, but won't. I sit. I cry.

I know my hormones are bringing about this intense surge of eeyore syndrome. I know it will (most likely) only last today and tomorrow I will wake up with strength to shelve these emotions.

I want a home with a yard for my child to play in, and I cry because I don't foresee that happening before he is in kindergarten (or ever). My credit is horrible, and my income is just enough to keep the lights on, and pay daycare.

I cry because others around me are afforded great opportunity, and I wonder why I haven't been afforded the same because I work just as hard, if not harder (yeah, I am the complete and total makings of a solo pity party...).

I cry because my relationship with my father has faded into nothing, and it kills me.

I cry because my mom has a new found freedom that doesn't include me, but her "boyfriend" and the nearest bar or bottle of beer.

I cry because my brother is going to be sent to war, and I cry for his daughter and the possibility that she might not ever know her father.

I cry because the hope of me finding a man to compliment my life seems impossibly impossible.

I cry because I feel like I am failing my child. Yes, he might not think so today...but in 20 years I fear he will look back and hold animosity towards me...for not affording him a stable nucleic family that I had growing up....

I sit alone, and I cry.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Anatomy of a Woman

(at least the women I know)

I don't know many (if any) girls my age who enjoy being single. Most of the women I know have been in a long term relationship, are living with their boyfriend, or are married. The ones who have relationships end, no matter how long or short, troll for the next guy almost immediately.

Maybe I'm jealous because dating as a single mother has been so much different that dating as a single young 20-something. Yup. That's it. I'm jealous that it's them and not me. I'm jealous that I've been patient for over four years. I've woken up 95% of my days these past four years with a smile on my face. Knowing that I'd be the only person to feed my baby, change his diapers, read to him, make him giggle. Knowing that I didn't have the shoulder to physically cry on when things got tough. Knowing it was just me.

I'm totally pms-ing right now. I can feel my intense hormones surging, but these feelings of "when is it my turn?" never subside. I survive on the hope that it will be my turn to be giddy sooner than later.

PMS aside, what brought on my surge of emotion from this astute observation? In the past few months, I've known three women to become newly single, and two of those women have met new guys or had multiple male prospects in their life. I'm happy and supportive, yes...but I want it to be my turn. I'm sick of being the cheerleader for other people's new relationships.

*Girls, if you EVER read know I love you...and this post is mostly brought to you by the demons knows as P, M and S. Mwah.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Battle Surges On


Whew! I feel better now.

What has my panties in a bunch? People who literally suck at life...specifically baby boy's former daycare center, and their immoral billing procedures. Money hungry mongrels they are!

Yes, I just got off of the phone with the so-called president of a collections agency. My son's former daycare assholes messed up their ledger, and after withdrawing my son from their center decided to throw a bill that totals more than a grand at my face.

What did I throw at their face? A big "EFF YOU!"

I contacted the Better Business Bureau. I utilized a free attorney via the employee assistance program. And this crap STILL HAUNTS ME.

Why don't you just settle to get them off of your back? Hells no. I refuse to be bullied by a psychotic woman (the director of baby boys former daycare). That's what I chalk this up to. A giant case of ageism bullying.

I'm completely irritated by this matter, and honestly want to punch someone in the face (preferably the former daycare director).

The "president" asked me if I wanted to which I responded that I feel as if I already settled when I cut a check for close to three hundred dollars on my son's last day of childcare (an amount I was told was my close-out balance four days prior).

Thanks for listening to my whining. One of the many perks of being single is never having someone to vent to....except for complete strangers via the internet ;-)

p.s. If you live in the Minneapolis area, and are looking for me and I'll disclose the name of the center to you.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Crush.

Sisters before Misters. Doe's before Bro's.

This past month has been the month of crazy, out of the blue break-ups for my friends. I don't know if there's something in the drinking water or what, but I've known 5 people who have gone through some sort of major dating dilemma/breakup.

Ya wanna know what's weird? I kind of have thing for a few of the ex's.

I feel really guilty about these feelings. So much so that I will never act on my crush(s), nor do I feel like I can explain it.

Is it normal to have a crush on your friends ex? An ex that has been dating your friend for years, or an ex that has only been dating your friend for a few month...does it matter? I feel really dirty for having these feelings. I don't know where they've come from, other than the fact that I'm single, horny, longing for male-attention, etc. I have had respect for these men, and I know for certain at least one of the "relationships" ended amiably....BUT STILL! Argh.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The End of DB

I cried last night. An ugly cry. A cry that was mostly warranted. A cry that I don't think I could've prevented even if I had tried.

During dinner this past Sunday, DB asked me about a girl I used to be friends with. I responded by telling him we are no longer friends and that I didn't feel comfortable talking about it. He respected that and our conversation moved on.

Since I'm open here, I'll let you know WHY this Girl and I are no longer friends.
Long story short:
  • She's a whore and sleeps with all men she comes into contact with...honest to god.
  • We hung out with some boys in high school and I had a huge crush on one of them, Hottie.
  • In college me, Girl, and four other girls moved into a house together.
  • I ended up having a glorious, hot and steamy one night stand with Hottie (and in all honesty, I still look back on that night and smile.....)
  • The next day, I find out she had been sleeping with Hottie for a couple of years (even though he had been in a relationship) and she pretended like I had known (which she conveniently NEVER told me because she knew I would be hurt by her whore-ishness.
  • Our friendship ended. It was ugly.

So yeah, that's the story I didn't feel comfortable telling DB on Sunday.

Rewind to last night. Via text, I sent DB a casual, friendly invite to a St. Patty's dinner I was making on Monday. Yeah yeah yeah, it was the day after we had initially hung out...Whatev's. I knew I was going to have a plethora of food, and I wanted to be nice.

He never responded to my text. He never sent me a message when we were clearly both on facebook at the same time ALL WEEK.

And then, I saw it. He had become friends on facebook with Girl. I felt hurt, betrayed and used. Almost as if he had hung out with me on Sunday to try and get to Her. The tears started flowing, and the ugly crying began. He has since been unfriended. I don't feel the need to surround myself with idiots, and he, my friends, is a Grade A idiot.

My mom tried to tell me I was throwing stones at my knight on a white horse. I quickly corrected her and told her I was throwing stones at a donkey, and she need not worry.

So, as of today, I'm still searching for my knight on a white horse. I deserve more than what I've experienced today. I really do.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I survive. I wonder.

I sit at home and think of what I want out of life.

  • Happiness, yes.
  • Health, of course.
  • Stability and security, please.
The one thing I am desperately craving is companionship. I want a man to share my life with. I want a man next to me. To flirt with me. To touch me. To wake up next to. To laugh with. To sing with. To share life experiences with.

Every day I put a smile on my face. I laugh, I try to focus at work (when I'm not sitting on facebook, I digress).

Every day that I wake up, I am surviving single. It's a lot more difficult than you would imagine, especially because I bear the responsibility of raising a little boy with strong and respectable morals. A baby boy who is just as stubborn and lovable as his mother. An amazing yet challenging being in my life.

I try to turn to my friends for support. Most of them are busy with their own companions, and the rest are busy being young, going to happy hours or night clubs.

Every day I wonder if I when meet my soul mate. My companion. My ying to their yang. I know it will happen. I believe he is out there.

I always wonder if today is the day....

For now, I continue to survive one.

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Dinner that Was.

After the debauchery of last week...and a few facebook messages I caved in and decided to give him another chance at coming over to dinner (is it just me or does that statement sound extremely overly giving on my behalf...yeah...I digress)

The time: 6pm
The place: Mine
The Menu: Steak and potatoes (of course!)

At 5 I received a text "I'm going to be about a half hour late."

At 5:45 I received another text "I won't make it until 7."

At 5:46 I made a PBJ for myself and baby boy. I figured if I was still going to allow him over, I'd better not be hungry...mama's freaky when she's hungry!!

I went on with my nightly rituals with baby boy, and before I knew it I had him in his pj's and in bed.

He arrived at my place around 7:50. He looked amazing. Stunning. Sexy. My frustrations for his tardiness dissipated the moment we said hi (honestly, I didn't say hi...I said "the next time we hang out I'll tell you we're meeting at 4"..I'm cute like that...)

Dinner was ready within ten minutes of his arrival. When we sat down to eat I was extremely surprised how comfortable the conversation was. He was interesting and funny...and I found myself making him laugh a few times as well.

He stayed and talked until after midnight, even doing the dishes after eating (it was adorable, really!).

I still can't believe how quickly the time flew...however I'm puzzled (kind of). There was a goodbye hug..and nothing more. No plans for hanging out again. Hmph.

I think in my head I was hoping he'd go in for the kill....but I guess all things happen for a reason (I just haven't been able to figure out what that reason might be. Any suggestions?)

p.s. If you think he JUST wants to be friends I mind is kind of telling me that too. For the moment, I'm relishing in the fantasy of wishing for something more. I don't know if I'm ready to come off of my cloud quite yet.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The dinner that wasn't

Baby boy was up at 6:30 on Sunday morning. Yeah, you read that right...6:30am. I blinked my eyes, and laid in bed for an hour or so. By 7:30 we were at the table, eating Life cereal. I was mentally going through my game-plan.

My house was literally a disaster zone. The combination of the winter, and lack of motivation had left me with a mess. I wish I had a picture of it, but I'm really glad I don' was embarrassing. Let's just say my artificial christmas tree was still standing in all of its glory.

Immediately following breakfast I got to work. Eight loads of laundry, three loads of dishes through the dishwasher, sweeping and moping the floor, vaccuming, taking down the tree, rearranging my living room, decluttering. You name it, if it had to do with cleaning, I probably did it.

All the while I was watching the clock. He was supposed to be over at 6 for dinner, and I needed to shower, and run to the grocery store after cleaning was over. Let me just tell you, my afternoon shower was the most rewarding shower I've had in a while!

At 5pm I sat in my robe on the couch. I knew I was cutting it close on time, but I also knew I could pull it off. I went to check my phone and found two text messages. The first was from a great friend, and read: "Good Luck tonight! I hope everything goes well." The second read: "I just got a call from a friend of my parents about a job opportunity, and i am afraid i am going to pass on dinner."


I was dignified in my response, saying "Bummer. Good luck with everything. Ttyl."

So there ya have it. The dinner that wasn't.

Honestly, I was bummed. At the exact same time, I wasn't surprised....and I only say that because of the history (or lack there of) with him.

The one positive thing that came of Sunday? I've got a pretty darn clean home!!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Is this JUST dinner?

I'm having a boy over for dinner on Sunday. Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, here's the story (input would be greatly appreciated!!).

Our History:

We've known each other since middle school. Come time for high school he went to the rich private school, and my parents opted for the free public school route. We kept mutual friends so we would see each other from time to time.

Senior year of high school rolled around and I didn't have a date to prom. It was suggested that I go with him, DB, and I thought it was an interesting suggestion. I made sure to clarify it would just be as friends, because I wasn't confident enough in myself to have a "boyfriend" (yeah, I'm pretty lame like that!).

Anyways, the next thing I know a dozen pink and white roses showed up at my door step, with him hiding behind them, asking me to my own prom. It was an incredibly sweet gesture. I was flattered, but slightly weirded out because I thought we were "just friends" and I'm a girl so I over think EVERYTHING!

There were two things that went wrong with prom: DB's hair (which he decided not to cut, and instead butt-part down the middle of his head using hair gel to hold it in place) and the fact that I felt like I needed to stay by DB instead of mingle with my other classmates.

Don't get me wrong, I had fun...and after the dance we headed to a friends cabin, where a guy (thankfully NOT DB) had drank way too much scotch, and I sat next to him and made sure he didn't die. I didn't hate my roll at the prom after-party, but there weren't any DB sparks either.


Halloween of 2007 DB and I randomly met up again. We talked, laughed and had a great time. It was a blast, and I was looking forward to hanging out with him again...but it never happened.


Earlier this week DB happened to be on facebook at the same time as me. I chatted with him, and then found myself inviting him over for dinner. He accepted, and is now coming over this Sunday. I know I'm completely guilty of over thinking this, but our recent facebook correspondence is leaving me wondering if there's more to this than just friends. Tell me what you think...The following is our correspondence the past few days. (fyi: he had been in a car accident a week ago, hence the car references..)

dinner...1st - What night works best for you. The only night I am unavailable is
this coming friday.2nd - What are you in the mood for? 3rd - Do you have a car
to make it to my place right now? Sorry if that's a lame question, but
considering the events of the past week I just thought I'd ask...Hope your neck
and your care are feeling better :-)

Hey,Sunday is
the only available day for me this week (sundays are the only days that I have
off...ever.) As for dinner I am open to anything, and my car is still drivable
(thankfully) .I thank you for your concern about my condition and I greatly
appreciate the invitation for dinner.Hopefully I'll see you on Sunday!

Sunday works
for me! (that way I have the most time to clean..hehe). You really have to tell
me what you want to eat. I am open to any and all suggestions! Let's put it this
way..what don't you want? :-)You don't need to thank me either...We haven't had
a chance to hang out and this is the first time I've caught you online in as
long as I can remember! I'm glad you're willing to come over. Would you want to
come over around 6 or is there a time that works better for you? Looking forward
to Sunday :-)

6 works great. Italian, mexican, hell even thai works for me. I cannot help
but feel as though I am imposing by chosing the meal after your gracious
invitation so I thought I would just narrow it down some (the only thing I
really hate is lasagna and Ricotta{hopefully I'm spelling that right} cheese,
other than that I am open.

First and are in no way imposing by "choosing a meal." I
think it's high time we hang out, and making dinner is the easiest way for me to
do so :-) I've never tried making homemade thai food before...have you?I was
more or less thinking steak, new potatoes and asparagus (a meal i LOVE but don't
make very's not a lotta fun to eat alone!) What do you

Steak and potatoes makes my Irish heart flutter, that would be

Any thoughts??

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Question.

Go to church or not go to church...that is the question at hand here.

I've had a moral spiritual debate since the moment I became preggo with baby boy (about four years ago). I'm catholic, and had been having unprotected sex...but nobody in church knew, so I wasn't worried! However, the moment a bun is in your oven there's no denying the fact that you were doing the nasty before a ring was on your finger.

I felt too guilty to go to church. I tried to go with BB was only 4 months old, but left in tears...feeling like everyone was judging me because I wasn't wearing a ring. I saw the newly married couples scattered about, and was horribly sad that it wasn't me sitting with a husband. It sucked.

Fast forward 3.5 years. I tried arranging to have BB baptized with my niece while my brother was in town on leave from the Navy. I made some calls to different catholic churches, and once on the phone with a priest, I was met with the same scorn and ridicule that I had felt from the last time I was at church. "Will your husband be present?" to which I replied "I'm not married, nor is my son's father in my life." Silence, then an "Oh..that's not a good thing" said in the most condescending way possible.

I decided not to go through with the baptism...especially because I don't want to force BB to be involved in the same scorn and judgement that I've felt for the past four years.

My internal church debate still lingers. I have spiritual beliefs, but I haven't found a place where I feel safe to express my beliefs. I feel guilty at the thought of going to a church that isn't catholic, yet cannot stand a catholic service.

I've had coworkers suggest coming to their church but I'm hesitant for a couple of reasons:
  1. They don't attend a catholic church
  2. I'm unsure of their intentions for inviting me
  3. What if I don't like their church..will it have negative implications on my professional relationship with them?
  4. I'm still struggling with guilt all around

What are your thoughts? This single mama just doesn't know what to do. I'm fairly certain I know what I believe...I'm just not sure where my beliefs are welcomed without judgement.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I love kissing.

The single life has proved a little mundane for me the past couple of months. I was adamant on not dating for all of 2009. Then, I was invited to a local radio station in early February as part of an Extreme Love Makeover thingie. It entailed me visiting with a psychic. He told me I didn't believe I'd find my soulmate, which was near spot-on.

To change my dubious thought process about finding my soulmate, I decided to toss my dating ban of 2009 to the dogs. I wasn't about to run out and date the next joe-schmo I came across...but I wasn't counting anyone out.

This past weekend I went out on the town with a great friend...and some people she knows. The night was fantastic. I came out of my shell, approached a bunch of guys just to say hi, and ended up having a wonderful make-out session with a sexy man back at my friends place. It was just the confidence boost I needed.

I gave him my number, but I don't think he's going to call...and I'm alright with that. He was fun to kiss, it's as simple as that!

As much as I bitch and moan about how much my parents irritate me, I can't imagine affording sanity through socializing without them. My mom specifically has been my savior once a month, taking baby boy off of my hands so I can have "me-time" to go out to the bars or hang out with friends without worrying about paying a babysitter.

I suck.

Yes, I'm still alive.

I don't like to apologize on a blog...but I feel the need to apologize for my absence! I had no clue I'd be missed, and really appreciate being checked-up really was very sweet.

Why the absence? I couldn't think of what to write about next that I didn't feel like sharing on my other blog...although, given the time apart from here...I've got a couple of blog topics brewing!

Anything you want to hear about?

Any writing challenges for me?

I've missed all of you, and don't plan on disappearing anytime soon!!