The Process

Writing out my thoughts and feelings sometimes feels more of a curse than a blessing.  I fall victim to instant self analysis on a regular basis, and when I purge my analysis out into concrete words, it never ceases to fail that by the next day life has found a way to change. 

The self reflection I've done the past few days is unreal.  My friends have told me I know what I should do, but recognize the "right thing" is hard, if not impossible at times.  There's a billion "what-if" scenarios constantly playing out in my mind.

What if he never leaves  his wife?
What if he leaves his wife and things with us don't work out?
What if ...
What if...
What if...

My heart and head are still telling me to do the POLAR OPPOSITE.  So what does and/or should one listen to when faced with conflicting thoughts and feelings?

I could sit on a park bench and stare into nothing for hours, and still not come up with the right answer. 

Do I stop answering his calls?  Do I keep speaking with him?  How can I be a supportive friend even though clear lines have been crossed both in person, and via text message?  How will I know what the right choice is?

I just want to scream.

But screaming would not only peg me as a crazy person....I don't think it would resolve anything.

To search for a resolution I feel my first step is to back away and stop analyzing.  If I can prevent him from consuming my thoughts, and let things "be" I hope I'll fall upon the correct answer for me and for what might be to come.

So what does one do when they're trying to just "be"?  They dive into a new semester in school, steal extra hugs from her son, join a fantasy football league and agree to play on a brand spankin new co-ed softball team.  I think it's safe to say I'm going to be a busy girl the next few months, regardless of how things turn out with my (lack thereof) love life.

The Vortex

I find myself in a cyclic vortex of emotions when I make small attempts to satisfy my physical needs with a physical relationship. A vortex that, since becoming a parent, has made dating damn near impossible. A vortex that envelopes my emotions far too rapidly for my own mind to digest. A vortex that, at times, feels like it's suffocating me. A vortex that prevents me from being my true self.

When I escape the vortex I immediately feel equal parts of relief and disappointment. Perhaps someday this vortex of emotions will feel easy, and spin me in the direction of companionship. Perhaps someday I'll find solace in the daily happenings of my life, and won't feel inclined to enter the vortex again. Perhaps one day, the vortex will sweep me up and spit me out again.

Life, for me, feels 98% unpredictable. I've been alright with the unpredictability, but I certainly need to practice breathing, relaxation, and focusing on my true self the next time the vortex sucks me in.

My Idiosyncrasies

I've moved on from him (Tall boy)...mostly.

I am still bitter and pretty annoyed at the thought of him, and the emotional trap I allowed myself to fall into...but it's over. Done. Finito. No sense focusing my time and energy on a person whose choices don't include me, right? Right.

Out of pure silliness, I posted a profile on a laughable dating website. Don't get me wrong, there are great people on the site...it's more like the TJ Maxx of the dating world...you have to weed through a LOT of crap to find a decent guy.

If you're unfamiliar with the site, they've added a feature where their computer sends you three matches that they feel are credible. You have the option to message your match, or to reject him..yadda yadda yadda.

Where am I going with this?

Last night, they effing sent me Tall Boy as a match.

Awesome.

I haven't looked at his profile (as tempted as I am to do so).

I haven't rejected his profile. It's sitting in my account.

Seriously.

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And on an awesome, unrelated note...I totally pulled my groin muscle last night* (or as I like to refer to, my inner-thigh muscle...since that sounds less like I have a man-unit than groin).

Anyone have a magical cure for a strained inner-thigh muscle...because OUCH.

*I wish I could say the injury took place in the bedroom....but it didn't. Just my luck, right?! (or lack there of...hmph)

Reminding Myself

He turns to me, his hands holding the back of my head. He loves me. I love him. Our toes buried in sand, the waves crashing in the background.

I dream this scenario on a regular basis.

I'm amazed at how powerful people can be. Sure, "you choose your own attitude"...I only agree with that about 50% of the time. People have the amazing ability to suede those around them. Both positive and negative attitudes are as contagious as strep throat.

Men have an amazingly strong effect on me. They have an uncanny ability to bring out the best and worst in me in one breath. I hate it and I love it at the same time.

Some might think (read: me) that I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket with TB. However, I'm not. I'm putting one egg in my basket at the time, and right now, that one egg just so happens to be him (ha, that sounds kind of dirty...go me).

There's still a communication discord. Yeah, I could just be acting paranoid...but my gut instinct is sharp, and it rarely lies. If only I weren't so "in-like" with this man. Christ, the "if only's" could go on for days if I let it....

I'm ready.
I'm ready for love.
I'm ready to laugh.
I'm ready to be held.
I'm ready to share my soul.
I'm ready.

As with all things (shopping, particularly) whenever I'm ready for something it's never around. So, I'll stay ready, but I'm done allowing myself to care if and when I meet Mr. Right. I'm reminding myself to focus on how amazing my life actually is....the simple things can be grand (and I know my simple things are taken for granted more often than not).

I have a little boy in my life who constantly asks me if I want to play Hippo Hippo Hungry (the old school game hungry hungry hippos...I like his way of saying it though). He's healthy. He makes me laugh and tests my patience everyday... I'm lucky, and if I were a spiritual girl, I'd say I'm blessed to the heavens.

Parental Support.

Who would have thought that throwing a kid's birthday party entailed SO. MUCH. WORK.

The cleaning.
The food.
The entertainment.
The decorations.
The timing.

It was worth every sweaty second.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I rarely associate with the parents of baby boys daycare friends. Since our kids are in daycare together, rest assured the parents work mostly full time, and use the weekends for themselves (as do I...so no biggie, really).

Have I mentioned that none of my close friends are parents...let alone single parents...let alone even remotely CLOSE to having children of their own? It's been a big struggle for me. A struggle to find common ground with people who I used to spend countless hours doing random things or drinking our night away at the bars.

Since baby boy has come into my life, I've selfishly wished that I could find parents that I could relate with, hang out with, and confide in. It seems like a simple task....wrong. Let's put it this way (and I know this is going to sound off) but I think it would be easier to raise ten boys at the same time, than to find a group of supportive parents to hang out with. Srsly.

I've looked for parenting groups, and haven't found a single one that I:

1. Feel comfortable attending
2. Fits into my schedule

When it came time for baby boy's birthday party, I invited my niece, our neighbor, and three boys from daycare.

Worrying about finding common ground with the daycare mom's, I sat and wondered, "What could I possibly have in common with two women who are married, and are most definitely more financially stable than I am?!" ...And then our boys walked into the room together.

The light bulb illuminated.

Thoughts from an anal, single 27 year old.

I lay alone, naked, except for my blanket, pillow, small radio and battery operated friend who keep me company. I lay there thinking, yearning really, for a man to be next to me...and then for a brief moment selfishness sweeps over my body.

Do I really want a man to hog the covers?
Do I really want someone to complain about my snoring?
Do I really want to have to tiptoe in the morning because he doesn't have to wake up until 8 or vice versa?

Truth: Yes and No.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life has been really decent lately. I'm still dedicating 2010 to me, and finding myself having small extra peps in my step. Don't get me wrong, life isn't perfect. I am sick of being alone....and the truth at how alone I am is apparent when there are people whom I would call friends who pretty much refuse to make an effort to spend a night on the town with me because they're dating a new guy.

Can I blame them? Not really.

Tonight I'm planning on going out on the town. The night has two great potentials:

1. Trouble.
2. A major disappointment.

Trouble, because I know I'm going to be drinking. A. Lot. I haven't been out drinking since the night before Thanksgiving. My tolerance isn't what it used to be (read:21st birthday including 17 shots in a five hour time period). I've been eager to go out on the town for a while, and have a feeling I might just do or say something that I'll regret.

A major disappointment because I'm worried the mood/atmosphere will be lame. Although, a good friend of mine reminded me that you can't control if other people have fun, you can only control yourself...and while this is true, I always seem to stress if I feel that others aren't having a good time. Certain people aren't coming out which also bums me out (and if they do happen to show up I'm afraid I might be rude to them for being snarky in the first place). Certain people have early morning plans tomorrow, so I'm worried they won't let loose like they would've on another occasion. Certain people don't know each other because I'm friends with different groups of people. This creates a bit of awkward tension because I know everyone is nice...they just don't open up and it kind of sucks.

I know what you're thinking. I'm reading into this WAY TOO MUCH, right? Well...woe is me. I'm a bit of a control freak I suppose. Maybe it's high time I just let go and let the night happen. Maybe.

Is this JUST dinner?

I'm having a boy over for dinner on Sunday. Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, here's the story (input would be greatly appreciated!!).

Our History:

We've known each other since middle school. Come time for high school he went to the rich private school, and my parents opted for the free public school route. We kept mutual friends so we would see each other from time to time.

Senior year of high school rolled around and I didn't have a date to prom. It was suggested that I go with him, DB, and I thought it was an interesting suggestion. I made sure to clarify it would just be as friends, because I wasn't confident enough in myself to have a "boyfriend" (yeah, I'm pretty lame like that!).

Anyways, the next thing I know a dozen pink and white roses showed up at my door step, with him hiding behind them, asking me to my own prom. It was an incredibly sweet gesture. I was flattered, but slightly weirded out because I thought we were "just friends" and I'm a girl so I over think EVERYTHING!

There were two things that went wrong with prom: DB's hair (which he decided not to cut, and instead butt-part down the middle of his head using hair gel to hold it in place) and the fact that I felt like I needed to stay by DB instead of mingle with my other classmates.

Don't get me wrong, I had fun...and after the dance we headed to a friends cabin, where a guy (thankfully NOT DB) had drank way too much scotch, and I sat next to him and made sure he didn't die. I didn't hate my roll at the prom after-party, but there weren't any DB sparks either.

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Halloween of 2007 DB and I randomly met up again. We talked, laughed and had a great time. It was a blast, and I was looking forward to hanging out with him again...but it never happened.

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Earlier this week DB happened to be on facebook at the same time as me. I chatted with him, and then found myself inviting him over for dinner. He accepted, and is now coming over this Sunday. I know I'm completely guilty of over thinking this, but our recent facebook correspondence is leaving me wondering if there's more to this than just friends. Tell me what you think...The following is our correspondence the past few days. (fyi: he had been in a car accident a week ago, hence the car references..)

Me:
About
dinner...1st - What night works best for you. The only night I am unavailable is
this coming friday.2nd - What are you in the mood for? 3rd - Do you have a car
to make it to my place right now? Sorry if that's a lame question, but
considering the events of the past week I just thought I'd ask...Hope your neck
and your care are feeling better :-)

DB:
Hey,Sunday is
the only available day for me this week (sundays are the only days that I have
off...ever.) As for dinner I am open to anything, and my car is still drivable
(thankfully) .I thank you for your concern about my condition and I greatly
appreciate the invitation for dinner.Hopefully I'll see you on Sunday!

Me:
Sunday works
for me! (that way I have the most time to clean..hehe). You really have to tell
me what you want to eat. I am open to any and all suggestions! Let's put it this
way..what don't you want? :-)You don't need to thank me either...We haven't had
a chance to hang out and this is the first time I've caught you online in as
long as I can remember! I'm glad you're willing to come over. Would you want to
come over around 6 or is there a time that works better for you? Looking forward
to Sunday :-)

DB:
6 works great. Italian, mexican, hell even thai works for me. I cannot help
but feel as though I am imposing by chosing the meal after your gracious
invitation so I thought I would just narrow it down some (the only thing I
really hate is lasagna and Ricotta{hopefully I'm spelling that right} cheese,
other than that I am open.

Me:
First and foremost..you are in no way imposing by "choosing a meal." I
think it's high time we hang out, and making dinner is the easiest way for me to
do so :-) I've never tried making homemade thai food before...have you?I was
more or less thinking steak, new potatoes and asparagus (a meal i LOVE but don't
make very often...it's not a lotta fun to eat alone!) What do you
think?

DB:
Steak and potatoes makes my Irish heart flutter, that would be
perfect!

Any thoughts??