Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Process

Writing out my thoughts and feelings sometimes feels more of a curse than a blessing.  I fall victim to instant self analysis on a regular basis, and when I purge my analysis out into concrete words, it never ceases to fail that by the next day life has found a way to change. 

The self reflection I've done the past few days is unreal.  My friends have told me I know what I should do, but recognize the "right thing" is hard, if not impossible at times.  There's a billion "what-if" scenarios constantly playing out in my mind.

What if he never leaves  his wife?
What if he leaves his wife and things with us don't work out?
What if ...
What if...
What if...

My heart and head are still telling me to do the POLAR OPPOSITE.  So what does and/or should one listen to when faced with conflicting thoughts and feelings?

I could sit on a park bench and stare into nothing for hours, and still not come up with the right answer. 

Do I stop answering his calls?  Do I keep speaking with him?  How can I be a supportive friend even though clear lines have been crossed both in person, and via text message?  How will I know what the right choice is?

I just want to scream.

But screaming would not only peg me as a crazy person....I don't think it would resolve anything.

To search for a resolution I feel my first step is to back away and stop analyzing.  If I can prevent him from consuming my thoughts, and let things "be" I hope I'll fall upon the correct answer for me and for what might be to come.

So what does one do when they're trying to just "be"?  They dive into a new semester in school, steal extra hugs from her son, join a fantasy football league and agree to play on a brand spankin new co-ed softball team.  I think it's safe to say I'm going to be a busy girl the next few months, regardless of how things turn out with my (lack thereof) love life.

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