Monday, August 19, 2013

I'm going to hell.

I believe I've hit a new all-time low.  I went on a non-date date with a married guy.  A pit wells in the bottom of my stomach churning this out on paper.  What in the hell is wrong with me?!  I'm single and content.  I've started (successfully) for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE to lose weight.  Sure, I'm only down 7lbs in four weeks...but that's 7 less pounds my body is carrying around...and I'm not stopping until I'm happy with my appearance, I digress. 

So, how did this non-date date happen with a married guy?  It all started on a Friday night at a neighborhood bonfire.  I asked my neighbor if she knew any semi-hot single guys, and she said she knew a guy who she thought I'd like who was "kind of single." (Yes, I should have just brushed it off and moved on....but NOOOOOO).  I asked her what she meant, and she told me him and his wife were very unhappy, and he's been telling her he plans to leave her sooner than later.  My then sober state of mind said "KEEP AWAY," but as the night went on my inhibitions were extremely diluted from the alcohol, so I did what any girl this day in age would do; I requested to be his friend on Facebook.

I was slightly hitting myself in the forehead for being so juvenile come the next morning, but to my surprise he had accepted my request.  At this point in time, I was a bit embarrassed.  How was I going to explain myself?  What kind of guy accepts a friend request from a total stranger?  I felt compelled to set the record straight, so I direct messaged him explaining who I was, and that I had requested him as a friend only after having a few (in reality a half dozen)

To my surprise, come Monday morning, he had accepted my friend request.  My next move, a move which I'm still debating was right (or absolutely wrong of me), was to send him a direct message:
I'm impressed you accepted my friend request considering it came from a complete and total stranger! Sorry about that....I suppose I should introduce myself (?). My name is SS (obviously). I'm neighbors with KN. She mentioned you were "kind of" the night went on, I became more intrigued, and my lack of judgement caught the best of me; hence the friend request. Call me crazy; wouldn't be the first time.
 He replied on the same day:
So I read your page and am curious. You're right I'm not single but should be at this point but it's a scary thought of leaving my kids is basically what I'm worried about. So you could say I come with a lot of baggage. But don't let that define me.
Happy Monday also SS
At that moment, the birth of our non-date "friendship" began (mind you, this only happened a week plus three days ago...this all still VERY fresh, but seems to be moving at mock-speed).

After a day of talking on Facebook, he said he wanted to go out, and happened to have some free nights during the upcoming weekend (read: this past Friday or Saturday).  I lined up a sitter for baby boy on Saturday, and we had a date/time on the books.  I can just imagine all of the three well-minded readers out there shouting "WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!  HE'S MARRIED!!"to which my only response is YES I KNOW!

I haven't decided how much more I want to share yet...but what I can tell you is I've set my boundaries of "this is friends only" from the beginning.  I felt compelled to do so because I would hate myself if I didn't.  We did go out, and had fun....lines were never crossed; the night was kept completely platonic (from a physical perspective...but I feel like some emotional lines may have been breached). 

Here I sit, on a Monday, kicking myself more than anything.  I wish finding the right partner was something that came easier to me.  I wish I had a man in my life who I feel could truly appreciate me, what I have to offer, and offer the same in return to me.  I wish I had the answers, and I certainly hope I learn something from my current oddly-idiotic situation.

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