Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Let me take a moment to fill you in on an amazing little secret. When you make plans with a person who happens to be a single parent...keep the plans, or cancel a few days in advance. If you want the single parent to ever speak to you again, don't blow him or her off. Really.
Also...to all of you single guys out there....Single mom's have scales. Really, they do. So if you come across one, back away slowly. Actually, the best thing you can do is take them out a few times, then blow them off. Really, remember the scales and you'll agree with me.
This PSA is courtesy of Dude and my erratic emotions whilst I PMS. You're Welcome.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
No, I don't have to turn the pages back very far for this little bitty. I was having Dude over this past Saturday, and felt a very strong urge to clean up my nether regions.
I don't wax, I don't use nasty nair...rather, I shave. I was extremely thorough and detailed (just in case...) and of COURSE I CUT MYSELF....in a VERY horrible place.
Now, I'm not a gorilla or anything, but I really really wanted to make sure I was groomed to perfection since it's been such a long time since anyone aside from myself and my battery operated toys have traveled south of the border.
Where exactly was the cut, you ask? Right by where my leg and bum meet each other, about an inch south of my yahoo. Fuck (no pun intended).
Needless to say, I spent Monday mostly sitting, and when I had to walk, I was a very slow mover. Hopefully my area will be feeling better sooner than later!!
Monday, December 29, 2008
I drew a blank.
He wanted to know a story from my past, something intriguing...and I couldn't think of a thing.
Laying in bed last night, I came up with a million and one things I should have said. Of course, I can barely remember any of those things today...but I'm going to my best to jot them down here so they remain implanted in my memory banks for the next time I see Him.
When I was a senior in High School, I thought I was pretty bad ass...and by that, I mean I used to take straight pulls of vodka, while sitting in my car two blocks from a bowling alley...then drive to said bowling alley and hang out for the night.
I used to live in a house with five other girls. It was a very dramatic time in my life. We rarely all got along. In fact, I don't talk to a single one of those girls to this day, and I'm not sad about it.
I love jumping in puddles.
I really really really want to have sex under a willow tree. Really. I think it has something to do with the magical scene from The Little Mermaid during the Kiss The Girl song...Yes, I'm crazy. In my heart, it sounds amazing and hot...In my head, I know it will be disappointing and painful...It's still something I want to give a go at.
I've been a horrible judge of character when it comes to the men I've let into my life. I may seem guarded, but I can't really think of one positive man I've had a relationship with...and I'm the type of girl who looks at the glass as being half full. Because of this, I'm very guarded about who I let into baby boy's life...that's just how it is.
I'm simple. If I get the chance, I'll go to a movie by myself. I'll watch just about any sporting event...and the next night be content with reading a book..
I'm ready to make new amazing memories with someone.
Is there anything that sticks out in your head when presented with the request to tell me about yourself? I'd love to hear your stories!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
My Friday night turned out to be a lot of fun. I was nervous there was going to be a lot of awkwardness, but my apprehensions quickly melted the second he arrived to pick me up. We headed out to a bar, fairly close to my house...ordered a drink, and started talking. His eyes were electrifying....I'm pretty sure that if a guy smells good, is taller than me, and has amazing eyes I would do him, I digress.
The conversation evolved around sports and silly stories from the past. Then it took a swift turn. He started telling me about a girl he was hung up on...a girl who wasn't into him the same way he was into her. My heart sank. It just wasn't appropriate conversation to have considering we were kinda sorta on a date. I brushed it off, but the thought of his hang up remained fresh in the back of my mind.
Our bar extravaganza only lasted a few hours, and included rum and cokes, patron, and a car bomb. I was ready to go balls to the wall...but he suggested we head back to my place for driving reasons. I agreed, and we were home before 11.
I'd like to pat myself on the back here...because I totally made the first move. When we got out of his car, before heading inside, I told him I wanted to tell him something...and then I kissed him. I had been wanting to kiss him since the second I saw him, and it was worth the wait.
We went inside, thanked and sent my friends on their way (who had spent the evening with baby boy)..and we were alone. Some pretty intense making out followed, and then he nonchallantly suggested we move it to the bedroom..I wouldn't allow it for a couple of reasons. As much as I wanted to have wild and crazy sex, I hadn't shaved my legs in over two months, and the thought of his hang-up was still fresh in my mind.
I don't want a one night stand...I've had half a dozen one night stands. I can't emotionally handle them at this point in my life, nor do I think it's appropriate to live my life hopping from one night stand to one night stand for the sake of baby boy. I want more, and I feel like I deserve more.
Here's my little dilemma. I WANT MAN-TENTION! I REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX! GRRRRR. Why does life have to CONSTANTLY throw emotional curve balls at me?!
I just don't know what to do. I'm proud of myself for holding my ground, but I almost regret it.
Yes, I want a boyfriend...and I think the thing that hurts the most is I keep finding these guys who only want sex, no strings attached...and that's not me. I have and will always have strings.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Here's the catch: He's friends with my brother.
I THINK my brother is just being protective, but his mixed signals about me and Dude hanging out makes me wonder...
When I questioned Brother about if it was cool that I hung out with Dude, he said he didn't care. When I questioned Brother if he thought Dude and I would get along, I was met with a murky response. Yes, my brother knows Dude quite well...but unless he tells me I am crazy for hanging out with Dude, the plans are going to be kept.
The plan for Dude and I is to meet and go out to a bar. I've officially challenged him to a tequila shot-off since I hardly remember the last shots we did together. The night is definitely going to be casual, and hopefully filled with a lot of laughs. I'm excited to be going out with a cute boy that I may or may not have already kissed (cough::the tequila shots of three weeks ago were my demise::cough).
This mama is ready for some much needed man-tention..that's for sure!
Monday, December 15, 2008
The end of first semester of my senior year of high school was cause for celebration.
- No more first semesters of high school
- three awesome, mostly straight-laced friends
- 104 degree hot tub
- captain morgan silver
- mikes hard lemonade
- a mom that knew not to bother me when I was hanging out with my friends
Aside from acknowledging that I was completely wasted, I don't remember much. I remember having a mike's race with one of my girlfriends. I remember the four of us sitting in the hot tub passing around a brown paper bag containing the captain silver. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor in my basement (still in my swim suite), ralphing while hugging the toilet as if my life depended on it. I vaguely remember a visit from two friends that weren't drinking with us (I still haven't been able to figure out if it was a figment of my imagination, or if they really did stop by my house). I remember my brother and my guy-friend carrying my drunk ass to the couch, and the feeling of them pinching my underarms while doing so (damn, the underarms pinching is the WORST EVER).
The next morning, my mom walked up to me and said "what the hell is this?" She held up one of those metal trash cans...you know the kind...they have the mini basketball hoops attached to them, and the outside has sports stuff printed on it. Apparently I had replaced that as my toilet once I was placed on the couch.
I looked at her, told her to get it away from me...and she did. She actually had my brother clean it up...I still owe him for that one.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
- The first day gives me an opportunity to get stuff like cleaning done.
- The second day allows for some much needed chill time, followed by a guilt-free night out with friends. Of course, heavy drinking ensues...
- Which leads me to my third day off: recovering.
Maybe I'm getting old... damn, drinking has a habit of handing my ass to me on a silver platter these days. I'm not talking the "three beers with friends" drinking. No... I'm talking ladies drink free for two hours, mixing in a shot or two...staying awake talking politics with my brother until 5am. Those are the nights that leave me useless the next day.
I don't regret a single minute. If I had to repeat this exact weekend every weekend, I'd do it without hesitation. Three day weekends allow me to be productive, spend quality time with little man, spend quality time with friends, relax when needed, and laugh.
Maybe Barack should institute mandatory three day weekends for America. I'll even let him take the credit for my ingenious idea. You're welcome.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I'm becoming more adjusted to being forced to be at home and be a "responsible adult" (it's been a long and arduous process...trust me). However, one thing I haven't been the best at is cleaning. It's a combination of my mess and baby boy's mess...and it never fails to overwhelm me, specifically laundry. I don't know why I suck at cleaning, it has never been one of my strong suites.
Something clicked around turkey-day this year. Maybe I can attribute it to my lack of family togetherness, I don't really know....like I said, something clicked.
I went on a shopping spree, acquired a new tv, and told myself I couldn't watch it until my house was clean. Although I didn't clean my entire apartment to a sparkling shine, that Friday I sure made an awesome dent.
The past two Friday's I have spent the day at home, cleaning. Although it's not the most entertaining to do on a Friday...it's great to sit in a house that's actually clean and mostly clutter free. Even though I was at home folding socks, switching loads, and separating lights from dark all night long, it feels liberating to have 95% of my laundry clean, and put away.
My clean house makes me smile.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Today, I walk around with a burden that is becomes heavier each time it comes around. You see, I don't have the almighty wedding ring, nor am I anywhere near to acquiring one. Mainly because I'm obviously not dating anyone, and really have no potential suitors in my near future.
Why do I think being married is Almighty? Because, I envision my non-existent marriage to be with someone who completes me...who makes me a better person, and who is willing to have sex with me 24-7...no questions asked.
Yes, I skipped out on the marriage before the kid...but that doesn't make me any less qualified to be an amazing wife. If anything, it proves to a man that I'd make a(n)
I'm not one of those women who needs to get married NOW...but I'm definitely a girl who day dreams about the day mr. right walks into her life...and also of a day where I can say goodbye to mr. right-now.
I look at men and women who wear wedding rings and envy them. They've found the person who completes them (at least, that's what I tell myself). Their lives may not be picturesque, but it's a pretty intense thing to verbally, emotionally and even sometimes spiritually commit yourself to another being....to me, it's powerful and something I strive for.
My heart hopes it happens sooner than later...because all of these lonely nights after baby boy is in bed are sure starting to pay their toll on me.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I'm beginning to think this is more of a flaw than an attribute. Yes, being nice is great...but nice girls finish last as much as nice guys.
I'm not a girl who enjoys drama or conflict. I'll debate the issues of the day with you, but coming from me, it's mostly all fun...I rarely allow things to get too heated because I would hate to upset the person I am hanging out with.
I care about the people around me (period, the end).
What's wrong with going on a couple of dates with a guy, and spotting his favorite treat in the store...so you pick it up for him to surprise him the next time you see each other?
My self esteem wasn't helped out about a month ago. I was hanging out with people I hadn't seen in years. We were sitting around a table, drinking, and I asked my high school buddies (they were all guys) Could you ever see me as being a mom? I can't believe I have a little man. One guy responded "Of course I could." WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! I just don't get it. Does being maternal negate you from being attractive, or having guys want to date you...he was making it sound as if it wasn't a horrible thing, but if it weren't then how come I don't have guys lined up? (boy, wouldn't that be the day! haha).
Help me Internet...how can this good girl land an equally good guy? Do I have to start being a bitch to get a nice guy to maintain interest?
How do you handle people that are chronic wet blankets?
Particularly, when you work with them.
There is a woman in my office, who just so happened to be at the concert last Friday...she has a severe case of Wet Blanket Syndrome. I wish I could tell her to sit and spin, but it wouldn't be professionally appropriate. She's 43, severely overweight, and thinks her poo doesn't stink. She agreed wtih me that SoCo was deliciously handsome, but after I filled her in on the happenings of the rest of the night, she responded with "My god! It was just one night..." in the snidest, most wet blanket on a cold day kind of way.
I had to sit on my hand to prevent it from bizzo slapping her (not really, but kind of...).
So what do I do? I'm guessing it would be best to just let it go. Mama always said "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" and while this lady isn't necessarily an enemy...I wouldn't call her a friend.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I want to mix this up a bit...but I'm not quite sure how, so I'm going to ask you a question..
What do you do when you are with a man, and his penis scares you? Specifically, it looks funky (skinny with an oddly large head) and has a rather large hook. I don't mean to be a penis discriminator, but I firmly believe there has to be a fair amount of physical attraction for a relationship to be successful.
This has only happened to me once in my life. I'm a fan of the penis, and then there was Ace. He was a guy I was working with..actually, the first guy from work that I actually tried dating (too bad I didn't learn my lesson, eh?). He had a fun personality, and was even a literal comedian...attending open mic nights at a bar in downtown. He made me laugh...but I'll be the first to admit that there wasn't a large amount of chemistry. Looking back, our relationship was strictly out of convenience.
One day, things were getting hot'n heavy, and WHAM! I saw his penis and it. was. scary. We never had sex..I couldn't do it.
A month later, he tried sleeping with another co-worker so things ended.
Yes people, I was low enough to call him out on his scary penis. I am most likely going to hell.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
I couldn't find any friends to go with, but I jumped on board with a coworker who had mentioned interest in going. We weren't close as co-workers. I was apprehensive, and almost cancelled...but I bucked up and went, telling myself "self, at least I'll have someone to stand next to..."
After spending Friday home from work, burning up my vacation time before the end of the year, my productive nature left me extremely excited to get out and have some mommy time. I drove to the concert alone. The plan was to meet my coworker and her friends there...they were coming from the opposite side of town.
OF COURSE a mini blizzard hit town, but that didn't freeze my fun spirited, excited attitude.
I found a spot in the parking lot, made my way inside, and found the girls. The entire show was general admission, so we found a spot that had a great view of the stage, settled in, and opened up tabs at the bar (which was conveniently 20 feet from where our spot was).
Waiting for the concert to start, I couldn't help but notice all of the hot men in cowboy hats. I wasn't anticipating seeing a lot of single guys at this concert...in fact, I was only expecting to see hot men with equally hot girls attached to their side.
Then, it happened.
I turned around, and saw him. He was standing alone, still wearing his coat. I kept glancing back to see if his girlfriend was coming back....and after ten minutes, he was still standing there drinking his miller lite, with his coat on.
I told the girls about him, but couldn't find the nerve within me to approach him. My mind was racing. What would I say? How would I do this? What if I get completely rejected? Shit.
I turned around, to check if he was still there, and he was gone. Crap, I had blown my chance.
Honestly, I was bummed. I really don't like living life with regrets, so the second I noticed he WASN'T gone*, I got extremely excited. Since I had been so bummed when I thought he had left. I knew I had to approach him, sooner than later. I slammed my beer, and when I was done with it, told the girls I would be back. I walked up to him, and on the ten second walk, was trying to brainstorm up what the hell I was going to say.
My line was weak.."Hi, can I ask you a question?" He replied with a cautious "sure." So I smoothly asked "What's your story?" I guess I wanted to cut straight to the point. Dating has made me slightly raw...I didn't feel the need to waste time. I confirmed that he wasn't there with his girlfriend, and was very excited to not only hear his thick southern accent, but to also find out he had come to the concert alone (which is KIND OF what I had done...). I invited him to come to where we were standing, selling my offer with a great view of the stage. He accepted my invite, and it was the beginning of an amazing night.
There aren't many things that can quiet me...but I quickly learned that a southern accent is one of them. Between his eyes and his accent, I was smitten. It was a Jerry McGuire moment...he had me at hello.
I didn't go to sleep until 6am that morning. The night ended with an amazing kiss.
I am proud of myself for a couple of reasons
- I swallowed my fears of rejection and initiated our conversation.
- I maintained a fantastic comfort level the entire night
- I belted out to Gretchen, even with SoCo (Southern Comfort) standing right next to me
- (this one is gonna sound like I'm a whore..) I didn't sleep with him...I only kissed him (and OH MY GOD I am still floating)
- I made it a point to tell him I would like to hang out again, and he said yes.
(He better effin' call me dammit! hehe)
p.s. While we were talking the night away, SoCo actually let out a "day-gum"!! How incredibly sexy is that...can you see how I'm proud of myself for not ripping his clothes off right then and there?? Thanks!
*I realized he had never left...just taken his coat off, and moved to the wall where he could lean against something. Der.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Mark and I had been on again off again for about a year and a half. He kept telling me he didn't want a relationship, I kept saying "me neither" but was totally lying about it (I'm such a typical girl, eh?)
My aunt had recently purchased a bar in a hotel..and I desperately needed cash. It wasn't a glorious position, but I took it...and found myself loving it. I was serving, and always had cash. Most shifts, I only pulled about forty dollars...I wasn't complaining, money was money and I was a poor college student!
One day I walked into work, and there he was. Ed. He was tall, with dark hair, dark brown eyes, and my heart immediately started fluttering. Little did I know, I was about to travel down a path that would be filled with tears, frustration, and the most effed up emotional roller coaster I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. (Now doesn't that just sound like fun?? note:copious amounts of sarcasm)
I found out Ed was single, we went out a couple of nights, and then decided we liked each other enough to start dating. The first red flag flew into the air when he told me I wouldn't be his girlfriend unless I was having sex with him. I doubted his intentions, but was yearning for an exclusive relationship. I gave in after a week, and sealed the deal. We were exclusive.
Ed loved to party. He loved to rock out, and always ended up black-out drunk when he did so. (Another red flag was being whipped by the winds around me..but I was a young girl in denial of my surroundings). His eyes continued to make me melt, even after I had seen him rip a door off it's hinges or punch holes in the walls. I saw good in him, at least that's what I kept telling myself.
I saw good in him even after I found out he had a baby living in Seattle.
I saw good in him when I found out he smoked a lot of weed.
I saw good in him after I found out he had been arrested multiple times.
I saw good in him after I found out he was on probation.
I saw good in him when I learned about his living situation, which included paying rent to a fifty year old woman who was interested in sleeping with Ed every chance she got.
The good light I kept telling myself existed inside of him slowly began to fade. We weren't getting along. I was also beginning to feel like all Ed wanted me for was sex. Literally. It was the coldest, ugliest feeling I've ever felt in my life.
Another thing about Ed...He didn't like using protection. He promised me he'd "pull out" and I cowardly went along with it. I couldn't afford birth control, and I didn't like how I felt when I was on birth control...so I operated under the assumption that it would never happen to me. The chances of getting pregnant were slim in general, right? Wrong. Literally, I was just a piece of ass to him. I love sex, don't get me wrong..but he could've accomplished the same thing with a blow-up doll, and not knocked the doll up.
About the middle of May in 2005, I found myself at home, waiting to receive a phone call from Ed. In the meantime, I decided to watch movies by myself. It was actually shaping up to be a lovely peaceful night. At 11:30, there was a knock on my door. It was Ed. His eyes had completely lost their luster.
There was something different about him, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I invited him in, and before I knew it, my night had spun out of control. Ed refused to leave my house, for fear I would call the police. He had no reason to believe I would call the police, because up until that point, he hadn't done anything wrong aside from not leaving when I asked him to. I finally told him I was going to leave, and then he took my phone.
My cell was my only telephone, so I struggled with him to get it back. He ended up removing the sim card, and giving my phone back. I threw my hands up in frustration, went back inside my house, and locked the door behind me.
To my surprise, he wasn't through
I've never cried more in my life. I had survived an extremely terrifying experience. The next morning I filed a restraining order against him. I wasn't going to let him scare me anymore. The only downside was we still worked together, and my boss at the time didn't respect the fact that Ed had almost killed me, and kept scheduling us to work together
Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I wish I could make this stuff up.
I called him up, and told him the news. We met, he told me he would change, but his psychotic 50 year old roommate who wanted to bone him wouldn't let him spend the night with me, and instead told him that if he left with me she would call the police herself (what a bitch). That night, I went home alone and knocked up.
The next three days, I couldn't reach Ed. I later found out he had gone on a three-day meth binge.
I was clueless that Ed was using meth, but it definitely explained his behavior the two weeks prior. I made a pledge to myself to put me, and my unborn child first.
I quit my job, and reorganized my life. I renewed the restraining order when baby boy was four months old, and moved shortly thereafter.
The last time I spoke with Ed was when I was five months pregnant. He randomly called me from an unrecognizable number. The sound of his voice sent shivers down my spine. He is the one person who will always send shivers down my spine.
Ed is the epitome of the phrase "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger."
Looking back, I know the entire relationship was doomed from the beginning. Again, I was young, and desperate to find a companion.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I'll let you know that I'm suffering from major buyers remorse. I spent the equivalent of a paycheck and a half this past weekend. I totally got caught up in the holiday bustle..and wound up with a gleaming 40in LCD 1080p Samsung tv, a blue ray disc player, about 15 new dvds* (I wish I was kidding, but I'm not), and a few other odds and ends. I'm very pleased, really...just trying to hold myself back from shitting bricks for spending so recklessly! Oh well...Ya only live once, right? I'd rather be remembered as the single mom with the kick ass tv and dvd collection than the single mom who just was.
Because I chose to leave my mom's in a huff on turkey day, I took the liberty of making my OWN turkey dinner this afternoon. I purchased a full sized fresh turkey breast (why do I think that sounds dirty? hehe)..it was about 6lbs(?), and smothering the meat in sage/garlic butter. I also made green bean casserole, and sausage stuffing. I cracked open a can of cranberry jelly, and life was amazing. I have a few sweet potatoes and some regular potatoes on reserve for about Wednesday. With only baby boy and myself, I couldn't justify going ALL out. The whole meal still put a huge smile on my face!!
*p.s. I got every black friday deal imaginable, and didn't leave my house until quarter to 9 in the morning. I pity the fools that wake up at 3am...seriously! This mama needs her sleep, and I would hate to imagine what I would be like if I were one of the dreadful souls shivering in line to get the same deals that I got from sleeping through their misery and getting to the stores as my own pace. It actually makes me laugh like dr. evil. Throw me a fricken bone ;-)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My mom had taken the liberty of reserving a hotel suite downtown. She knew there were going to be a lot of people coming down, and let's face it, my family knows how to party.
I arrived around 6, when I was able to get my sitter to come over for baby boy. The beer was flowing, and life was good. I had two missions that night. 1) Get wasted. 2) Find a boy and make-out
Once the booze was flowing, life was amazing. Laughs, stories and great memories were had. By around 9pm, I was black out drunk (goal 1 accomplished...yessssss).
My friend and I decided to venture around downtown to some local bars to see how I could go about checking my second goal off of my list. The first bar we hit up was LAME. It was packed, and the bartenders didn't know what they were doing. I was charged five dollars for a half shot of captain, with a LOT of cola. Redonkulous!!! Needless to say, that bartender didn't get a tip from me!!
We took a cab to a bar I used to work at (back in the day) but hadn't visited in a long time. There were seats open at the bar, and the bartender looked vaguely familiar (remember, I WAS WASTED by this point...).
Two more drinks and about fifteen minutes later, my brother and two of his friends showed up. I snagged one friend aside, and talked him into doing shots of tequila with me. APPARENTLY* after the first shot, I decided to have him lick salt off of my hand for the next three rounds of shots we did (me, licking the salt off of his hand...kind of a lame move, but it was the best I had!! haha).
This dude drove me home, and I was so smooth that I basically threw myself at him once everyone left his car. We made out for about five seconds. I left his car, and APPARENTLY** ran up to my sitters bf and told him I loved him and that he was my boyfriend, but just didn't know it yet***.
Then, I did the coolest thing of all. I drunk texted my brothers friend, and called him about ten times in a row. Don't you wish you were as cool as me? And I wonder why I'm single!!!
All in all, I accomplished both of my goals, and had a damn good time doing it!
*I only remember one shot, and was told today of the other 3 and the way in which we took them.
**I don't remember seeing my sitter OR her bf.
***However, every time I see her bf (even when I'm sober) I always tell him I'm his girlfriend..and he doesn't know it yet. He's hot....like, really really hot!
He gave me his email...I wrote him. A series of instant messages followed. I couldn't tell if he was as "in" to me as I was to him.
Christmas break rolled around, and I decided I was going to make my move. I told him I was having a Christmas party...and I was so smooth, that he was the only guy I had invited. It was innocent, and fun. Drinking was involved (of course, DUH!) and before I knew it, our lips were entangled and my goal was accomplished.
He was mine.
I was so happy with our relationship. This was my second actual semi-serious boyfriend. His family was great. His friends were meh. Our relationship was met with challenges since I was going to school 2.5 hours away...I won't lie, I actually drove to the cities drunk because he was going to a strip club, and I had zero self esteem to handle that or control my actions.
The classic thought "if I knew then what I know now" haunts me when I think about all of the silly things Mark and I mixed words over.
Did I mention Mark is completely opposite of me? He is very introverted and apathetic. I am very extroverted and sympathetic. He would prefer to sit in his room for 8 hours straight playing computer games. I prefer to go to the movies, meet friends at the bars or talk about nothing for hours. He feels like the world hates him. I love the world and everything it has to offer.
Almost every relationship has its negative stories associated with it. As frustrated as I am about our tainted history together, he really is and was an amazing guy.
On a college student's budget, he surprised me by renting a hotel room, getting my stuff into the room, setting up a romantic setting with a burned cd filled with romantic love songs, and completely sweeping me off of my feet. There hasn't been a man since who has done something so amazing for me.
A year and a half into our relationship, Mark and I sat down to have a serious talk. Things had been ugly between the two of us. It was almost as if our relationship tensions mimicked that of an unhappy married couple who had been wanting to divorce each other for over a decade. He looked at me, and told me he had something to tell me, but couldn't figure out how to say it.
To this day, I still think he was going to tell me he was gay. I don't know why, but if you could've seen the look on his face...
He told me he had become un-attracted to me because of my weight. I had gained the freshman 15 (ok, so maybe it was 20), but I wasn't grotesquely overweight. I was completely crushed. Maybe the look of fear on his face was his poor attempt at being sympathetic. He knew his words would crush me, and they did.
I told him to leave, and he did. That was the beginning of the end for Mark and I. From that moment on, what we had was broken. There wasn't a remedy to resolve our issues. We tried being friends with benefits. We tried just being friends. Our issues continued to circulate around dysfunction.
The night I had told Mark that I was pregnant, he stated the obvious thing to do was to have an abortion. He literally spelled it out. The baby wasn't his. I had been dating another guy (who I'll fill you in about later...). Maybe this is me making an excuse for Mark, but he is very analytical, and feared the costs of raising a child would break me. He knew I wasn't going to have support. I set him straight, gently reminding him that I was a strong person. Mark was actually in the hospital room when I delivered baby boy almost two and a half years ago (Marks face was a shade of white that can never be reproduced..I still chuckle when I think about it!).
My friendship with Mark ended a little over three months ago. He's still a great person, but had unresolved resentment towards me. He would bottle this resentment and explode at me (in front of baby boy) once every six months or so. I had warned him that I wouldn't tolerate behavior like that in front of baby boy...maybe he didn't think I was serious. Labor day weekend, he exploded at me in front of baby boy, and we haven't spoken since.
The story of Mark makes me smile, but also makes me cry. I can say with utmost certainty that I've grown a lot because of Mark (in more ways than one...haha, I'm funny!). I've also learned a lot from him, and for this, I am grateful.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I wasn't one of those kids in high school who took trips to college's near and far to decide where I wanted to pay out my arse for a degree. I was one of those kids whose parents said "you're going to school, find one and apply...NOW!" My parents were all too consumed in their disasterous marriage to worry about taking me to the state schools or the private ones. That being said, I applied at UMD (the school everyone from the cities goes to for at least one year because they think it'll be awesome to get away from home..but it's close enough to return home if need be).
I was accepted, but had applied late into my senior year that I had been placed in overflow housing. In a nutshell, I lived in a hotel my first year of college. One would think "awesome!" but it was far from. I didn't meet the people I had expected to befriend.
My heart was back in the cities.
About a month into school, I took a trip to the Twin City campus to meet up with some kids from high school and party. When I was checking into the dorms, Mark (a boy I had gone to high school with) was the security guard. I had always had a secret crush on him. All I remember was we were in Chem together, and his icy blue eyes melted my soul.
I did what any college freshman would do. I went up to the dorm I was visiting, did four shots of 100 proof vodka, and returned to the lobby to get Mark's info.
He gave me his email...which was the beginning of many things to come.
More next Tuesday! Stay tuned...
Monday, November 17, 2008
I take comfort in knowing that the past is the past. I will write about it. I will embrace its facts. I will understand that it helps make me who I am today...but I will also sleep peacefully knowing I have grown from my mistakes. I have opened my eyes to red-flag situations, and I will continue to do so. I will continue to laugh as if nobody is watching. I will keep my eyes focused on reaching for the moon....because I know I'll end up amongst the stars
(and I will stop with the cheesy metaphoric quotes and sayings from here on out...maybe.)
I'm either uber paranoid...or my son is far beyond his years. I am under the impression that he resents me for not having a father figure in his life. Somehow, his actions and attitudes seem to hold a lot of frustration, and him proclaiming "nope" when I ask him to do a simple task...mirroring a teenager saying "eff you mom" through his smug little attitude. Baby Boy is living on his looks right now...but Mama is hanging on by a thread. There are so many "boy tendencies" I wish he had a father around for...
We were sitting on the couch together, watching the Amazing Race, and I busted BB playing with himself. I swear to god he had a baby boner. Think what you may, but WTF am I supposed to do about this?!?! Seriously! I didn't think boys were supposed to do this kind of stuff until they were teens...let alone in FRONT OF THEIR MOTHERS!
The kicker was, he got really upset with me when I told him NOT to touch himself. I probably handled the entire situation wrong..but seriously, I'm new at this "2.5 yo boy touching himself" thing. Do I have an overly horny toddler? Is this honestly normal? What's a single mom to do???
I'm a second away from throwing my hands in the air and shouting "I GIVE UP!"
Saturday, November 15, 2008
These words have spoken near and dear to my heart for a while. I was recently reminded of them by a Frog (FRiend I met through blOGging).
However, I'm not sure this quote always holds true to my life. See, I'm faced with a situation where I have acquaintences who mind, but also matter. They matter because they are good people, and they mind because (I feel) they have too many things going on in their own lives to take the time to understand where my thoughts and actions come from. I can't bring myself to hold this against them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not holding my breath for them to have a "friend breakthrough"..but I refuse to cut them out of my social scene...and I refuse to feel like they don't matter.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Short story: He sent me a short icebreaker message, I responded by saying "Let's skip the hoops and start talking via email." We started talking, sent a handful of emails back and forth, and spoke on the phone for the first time last night...for THREE HOURS.
I'm a girl. I like talking. I really like talking on the phone. However, I'm a bit nervous that we spent too much time on the phone before we actually have met each other face to face. Maybe that's the traditionalist in me? I don't know, we'll see.
He was (obviously) a very nice guy. He's also tall (6'3), and has a very rugged Italian look (at least his profile pics do...). He was also very open with me....open about stuff the guys I know RARELY talk about. He spoke of where he grew up (Northern MN) and what type of life he wanted to find for himself (large family, living in the north woods, enjoying life, etc.).
Country Boy (CB) was also very open about marriage. At one point, he clarified his marriage and baby talk wasn't necessarily speaking of us...but his words were somewhat refreshing to me. They were refreshing because guys my age cringe about admitting they want to get married, live in a house and have children...CB embraced it. I'm not saying my flags were going up...but I'll admit he seems a bit too good to be true.
We have a lunch date set for Tuesday... You can bet your bottom dollar I'll fill you in, good OR bad!! :-)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
With the eradication of TB from my life, I decided to (not only) take time to enjoy BB and the single life, but I also did something completely hypocritical and started seriously looking at some of my online dating candidates. I've began talking with a few.
I'm afraid I've become a bit cynical towards opening my life up though. Hopefully this saddle won't prove to be as bumpy of a ride as TB was. I'm sure I'll land on my feet, either way :-) That's the only choice I've got, really.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
We walked out to my car, and the only emotion conveyed on my face were the tears streaming one after another. I started the car, and drove a few blocks away to a dimly lit parking lot. I could barely speak. DO looked at me, and asked me to tell him what happened (mind you, he was a lot more inebriated than I was...).
I didn't know where to go, or who to reach out to. Did what I think just happened REALLY happen? Unfortunately, yes. I decided to race to the place of a close friend, at a local college dormitory. I had known her for almost ten years, and she was like a sister to me. I had woken her up, explained what had happened (while DO stood there in shock), and she convinced me to call the police. I was scared, but knew in my heart that calling the police was the right thing to do.
Seeing as my friend was living in the dorms, the second the city police arrived, campus police was in tote.
My friend delicately explained to campus police that my presence had NOTHING to do with their college, and with that, I was sitting in the front seat of a police car, being taken to the hospital by a nice (and really good looking) police officer.
I felt so ashamed, disgusting and scared. They had to draw blood, and gave me some medication to eradicate any form of a virus that I could have possibly received from ASS. They also took my clothes for "evidence."*
When I left the hospital, the sun was up. I was taken by a friend back to my car, and had asked that she not say anything to anyone. I had told my brother, and I literally had to hold him back from hunting this guy down and literally killing him. Somehow, my mom had found out what had happened, and with that, I decided I needed to leave town. I didn't want to face reality, or the disappointment I was sure that was smeared across my parents' faces. I just wanted to crawl into a hole, and disappear.
After hiding at the random house of a friend for two straight days, I slowly made my way back home. It took me a while, but eventually I felt strong enough to face my parents. It was a very difficult thing to do, but I'm thankful I was able to overcome my guilt and shame. I'm relieved they didn't think worse of me.
*I never saw those clothes again...
Not only did my senior year prove to be a year of firsts (first time I was drunk, first boyfriend, first prom, etc.) I learned the hard way that you can't always trust who you're with.
I was with a friend of mine DO and it was March 16th. We decided to visit his friend's college apartment, and have a few drinks. For me, all it took was two vodka sours, and I was tipsy. Really, I rarely, if ever drank. My rocky family life had caused me to lose interest in abiding by their rules. I was the driver that night, but at the time, didn't plan on coming home.
So there I was; myself, DO who was a year younger than me, (and just so happened to be my "one and only ex's" friend), sitting at his coworkers apartment. In a confusing nutshell; JR, DO and this college guy, ASS, had all worked together.
The exact details of the night have faded from my memory, but I can tell you this. At one point, DO and I were in the bathroom together, talking about life. We were both drunk*, and we ended up making out. That was all, it was completely innocent.
The next thing I knew, I was sitting on ASS's couch. They had put in the movie Animal House. DO got up, and went back to the bathroom to talk on his phone. I was bored with the movie, so I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, ASS was rubbing my stomach. I was frozen like a deer in headlights. My eyes continued to stay shut. In my head, I was asking myself "what in the hell is this guy doing?" My body was frozen. He then decided I was passed out enough to have sex with me. I was violated by a man I barely knew... I didn't open my eyes and say "HEY! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" because I was scared shitless.
When DO returned from the bathroom, ASS and went in to clean himself up, I opened my eyes, immediately started crying, and told DO we needed to leave. He went along with me, and once we were to my car I explained what had just happened. I swear I felt like a scene straight out of the movie KIDS had just taken place. In fact, I feel disgusting writing it all out on here. As horrible as this story may seem, it is a piece of my puzzle. A piece that may (or may not) help me to unravel the reason's behind why I am the way I am with men.
*drunk at that point in my life had literally entailed two drinks...and was nowhere near what I would consider drunk today...I still haven't decided if that's good or bad!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Do you (secretly) desire to be told what to do? I am a Dominant male in
search of a submissive woman who would enjoy serving and pleasing her Man in
many ways. Exactly how is something we would discuss in order to determine if we
are a match.I am interested in finding someone who knows what it is to serve or
is curious about knowing. Someone who knows that she will be rewarded when she
is good and punished when she is bad. The punishment can take several forms, ie.
no dessert, withdrawal of affection, spankings, etc.I know that you have lived
an independent life-because you've had to. You will be rebellious and difficult
and seek to thwart me. I know what to do. I am experienced and realize that
nothing worth having is easy to attain. I am up for the challenge, whatever
obstacles you may put before me.You can be a novice, intermediate or
experienced; the important thing is the desire to serve. I am looking for a
woman who understands or wants to explore her submissive side and be there for
her Man and wants to be at his command. He is interested in someone who is open
minded and willing to obey his orders. We will email, talk, meet and then I will
decide if you are worthy of my attention.Email with a picture and your thoughts
on the matter and we shall begin.
SIGN ME UP! ;-)
Sunday, November 9, 2008
In a way, I kind of feel like I was broken up with via a post-it, although in this case, it was via IM when I wasn't near my computer.
Tall Boy: I just closed our match on eHarmony. I don't think I am ready to date yet, and I just don't think we will get along that well in the long term. I haven't been very fair to you, and I think we could be good friends, but I just don't think we are right for each other. We can meet up somewhere to talk about it if you want, or give me a call tonight later on and we can talk about it too. Thanks for being so patient with me, and I'm sorry it didn't work out better.The light I had seen at the end of the tunnel to find a good guy is now dark. I know the dating world is filled with highs and lows, but my highs haven't seemed too high, and my lows seem to be suffocating me. The new dating relationship I had experienced and it's out-right end hurts more than I expected it too. Hmph.
Friday, November 7, 2008
On another note...A personal ad. Not me selling myself, but me being upfront with what I want. Shared thoughts are VERY appreciated, thanks!
I want a man who isn't afraid to be looked after, but isn't afraid to do the looking after.
I want a man who is tolerant and patient.
A man who isn't afraid to be silly or spontaneous.
A man who is caring, with a strong shoulder to lean on.
I want a man who isn't afraid to want a woman in his life.
A man who is embracing of where I've been, and what I have to bring to the table.
I want a man who has a sense of humor, and is willing to laugh at himself and his own mistakes.
If you aren't willing to step up to the plate with an open mind, and a willingness to communicate, don't waste my time. You aren't the man for me, and I'm not the woman for you.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
You see, I'm on a business trip for a meeting. The hotel is lovely. The bed is HUGE! I feel like I might get lost in it while I'm sleeping tonight!
Brian in Mpls...Where are ya when I need ya? ;-)
Why do I do this? I haven't a clue.
I really need to take about twenty steps back with TB. I'll be honest...I'm quite sure that I'm scaring him away. I am a woman who functions on communication, and he is a bit broken from his last relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to compromise who I am for a guy...but I am trying to grasp onto a bit of patience which seems to disappear the second I am not getting what I want, when I want it.
I think my lack of "constantly getting what I want" is the main thing that deters me from dating. Right now, mama wants "man-tention." Right now, mama's not gettin "man-tention." So...like I said...I think I need a Friend with Benefit, ASAP! (Unless someone else has another, less slutty suggestion!! ANYBODY?)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Typically, you take your boyfriend to prom. Not this chick. I took a BP, nothing more than a friend and nothing less. Dinner was nice...expensive, but nice. The dance was held in a giant old building in downtown Saint Paul. The building almost overshadowed the dance...but it is what it is. The entire time we were there, I felt like I was babysitting my date. Since he didn't know anyone, I felt obligated to sit next to him, to try and make him feel included. I wasn't extremely successful...thank goodness we headed to a friends' cabin afterwards to get wasted ;)
The cabin was just the right distance away. Far enough where we were out of earshot of any local authorities, but not too far where it only took us an hour to get there. I would safely say about 20 of us were there, somehow armed with a lot-o-booze.
Since I wasn't too much of a drinker, I stayed mostly sober (which turned out to be a great thing). High school inexperience led one of my classmates to drink scotch as if it were apple juice. The next thing I knew, his lips were purple and I was practically shoving his own hands down his throat to make him throw up. I sat next to him the entire night, making sure he was staying conscious so he wouldn't die. Literally, looking back after years of drinking under my belt, we were all very lucky nothing serious had happened to this kid.
Long story short, a night which was supposed to be magical left me feeling on the outside of things, babysitting my date at the dance, then babysitting a classmate of mine at the after-party. I don't know about you, but it seems to me like I was meant to mother. Go figure I am now 25 and a single mom!
Monday, November 3, 2008
- A girl I've known for 15 years announced her engagement! I am off the walls excited for her, but at the same time I'm a bit freaked out. Another one of my friends leaving the realms of the dating world, and entering the society of the married people. I am also trying to hold onto my excitement, even though I can't help but wonder if I'll be included in the bridesmaid duties. I hate to sound selfish, but she is one of the people I always expected to ask me to be in her wedding....however, my track record with friends getting married leaves me only with an invite. Yes, some of you think "consider yourself lucky" but the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I think I've earned my bridesmaid stripe, and I'm just saying that I'd be disappointed if I wasn't selected. I'm stepping off of my soapbox now..hehe
- I setup two friends! The girl I had known from elementary school. Funny thing is, back in the day we did NOT get along. We recently reconnected through a mutual friend, and she's a great person. The guy I've been on a softball team with for about five years. He's a great guy, so I figured they'd make a great match! They hit it off rather well...I hope karma will come around ten fold on this one! It's not everyday that a single girl willingly gives up a great single guy to a girlfriend :)
- I went on another date with TB. I went to his house. He had bought steak to grill, and I brought over the makings for cheesy potatoes. It was delicious, low key, and I seriously wanted to jump him a couple of times, (but resisted). After dinner we went outside and had a bonfire. I proceeded to spill both of our drinks because I'm just that smooth. The night air was crisp, the conversation was light...until he told me a horrible story about his ex, and a dog they had owned together.* ANYWAYS! After the fire we watched the Goonies. It's a fun movie, and as the movie went on I found myself inching closer to cuddling. He had sat in the wrong spot again. Instead of making my way towards the cuddle "nook" I settled for resting my head on his shoulder. Butterflies were flipping in my stomach...it was lovely! The two of us had both fallen asleep before we knew it. After the movie was over, I felt it appropriate to call it a night since we both seemed exhausted. He said he'd walk me out to my car. In my head, I was thinking, "THIS IS IT! He's gonna try and make his move!" Instead of patiently waiting as we were saying goodbye, I made my own move. I lunged up to give him a kiss on the cheek....only he turned his head. Yeah, I ended up kissing him on the corner of his mouth? We parted rather swiftly, as he retreated back into his house, and I got into my car. I was very giddy, but couldn't escape a slight feeling of embarrassment. Still, the smile was glued onto my face the whole ride home. It was a great night.
Peeps, I'm really liking TB, and this is scaring my quite a bit. Am I setting myself up for a broken heart? I'm at a loss as to how I can make my next move. We've had a discussion via yahoo messenger revolving around how he goes back and forth about wanting to date again..and from the ONE story he's told me about his ex, I can see why. She did a number on him! How do I go about letting him know he's safe with what we have going on?
*In a nutshell, about a month or so after they had separated, she took their dog to the pound while he was out of town...then proceeded to drain their checking account so he couldn't buy his dog back. She told him that she didn't think he could take care of her....I say: What a wench!!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
My company is trying to motivate us to be health conscious. In doing so, they established a "weigh-in program." ALL you have to do is be weighed-in during a designated time by a pre-arranged trainer. Seems simple? Yup, it is. The trainer records your weight in confidentiality, and lets my company know if you came four out of five times (but doesn't disclose your weight..that's kept a secret!). You don't have to agree to workout, just to be weighed.
Today was the initial weigh-in.
I'm going to take this time to address a few of my newly acquired enemies (besides the obvious numero uno..the scale).
- Ranch Dressing - WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO DAMN GOOD BUT ADD SO MANY INCHES TO MY WAISTLINE?!
- Butter - I swear, I was Paula Dean's twin in a past life.
- Soda Pop - Seriously..the sweet bubbles get me EVERY TIME. I refuse to drink diet because I feel bloated (go figure) so it's the sugary goodness for this mama.
I am convinced if I can cut these three things out of my diet I'll see results within the blink of an eye. How does this have anything to do with surviving single plus one? A LOT! First, have you seen what the stores market for toddlers to snack on? BB hasn't developed enough of an appetite to make cooking fresh foods worthwhile. I am so horrible at eating leftovers, that I usually stick to smaller frozen foods because I can finish them in one sitting, rather than having to worry about reheating stuff. Also, the less healthy foods are WAY more convenient for me at the end of the day when I am EXHAUSTED.
I have also been emotionally eating a lot lately. Why? Because I'm single, feel like used goods, unloved, overwhelmed, financially on the brink of bankruptcy...you name it! One word: UGH! (I don't care if Ugh isn't a word either...so there!).
I take solace in the fact that I love the office I work in and the company I work for. BB is healthy for the MOST part (except for the usual daycare cold/random ear infections...totally reasonable ailments).
I'm a heart attack away from wagering a war on my three newly found enemies. Hopefully they'll die out with grace and respect!!!!!!!!!!!
Call him? Meh, I don't really think talking on the phone is a "guy thing."
Email him? Meh, I'm so OVER emailing!!
And then, it happened....we were both signed onto instant messenger (enter bells going DING DING DING!)
Even via IM, I was nervous as ALL getup to ask him the typical girl questions "How do you think things are going? What are your thoughts?"...I swallowed my pride, typed away and clicked send. I very promptly received "I don't know. That's such a typical guy answer." (I wasn't sure about where this convo was going...but my heart was racing a million miles a minute.)
To skip straight to the good stuff, I found out he had been separated since March, and the divorce was final as of June. (YAY!) I also found out he feels like he's 16 again (which kind of had me going "huh?!") He told me he was indecisive around me, and couldn't figure out why....and TB also said he's "really had fun every time we've been out together."
Despite the fun times we've shared, he confessed that he goes back and forth about if he's ready to date or not. I've been spared the gory details of his divorce (which I KNOW is for the better, but the curious cat inside of me REALLY wants to know).
This whole situation is wreaking of "he's just not that into you." Call me crazy, but I firmly believe if a guy wants to be with you, he'll be with you (and vice versa).
Although he told me he wouldn't expect me to wait for him to make up his mind, I don't know if I'm ready to give up on a good guy yet. I'm still as available as I was before the two of us started hanging out....but I'm reserving a sliver of my heart in hopes he'll step out of his funk and that we can give this thing (whatever it may be) a go.
Time will certainly tell.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
It was the summer before my senior year of high school. My father had asked if I wanted to go out to buy some volleyball shoes. On the way to the shoe store, he told me him and my mother were getting a divorce, and that my brother had walked in on my mom kissing another man.
The first shoe store we went to did NOT have what I was looking for. We ventured to another mall, silence overwhelming between my father and I. At the second shoe store, there was JR. I still didn't know what my "type" was. My only romantic experience was the vomit first kiss of two years before. There was something that intrigued me about him. I was able to order the shoes I was looking for through a catalogue JR had given me.
When the shoes arrived they weren't the right size, so I inevitably ended back up at the mall to see JR. I took the liberty of looking as cute as an athletic-never dated a boy-girl could look. We flirted, fixed my shoe dilemma, and before I knew it were going out on our first date. Soon after (like, a week...it was high school remember) we were a couple.
He was 19 almost 20, and I was 17. He was an ear to listen to, and a shoulder to cry on through some of my darkest days as my parents divorce was suffocating me.
My parents didn't like him (which, looking back, doesn't surprise me in the least).
He was my first.....First orgasm. First time...and let me tell you, it wasn't the most pleasurable of experiences because he was rather large. I don't even know if I would enjoy romp sessions with him now...too large just doesn't do it for me.
About four months (which translates to four years in a high schoolers world) into our relationship, it was time to shop for xmas presents. He told me he really wanted a kitten. I'm still unsure if he literally meant he wanted a kitten, or if JR was just saying it.
I bought JR a kitten.
JR broke up with me.
I've randomly run into JR since we dated. It's not the same, and I'm DEFINITELY alright with that.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Since I'm restricted to stay at home 99% of most nights, I took to the liberty to subscribe to an online dating site. I had tried multiple different sites, and felt most comfortable with the one that cost me the most money (go figure!!).
I was matched up with TB on September 5th (yup...I'm semi-anal with dates, we all wonder why I'm single!) We jumped through the "online communication hoops" set in place by this website, set a date to meet for lunch, enjoyed each other's company, and have hung out three times since then, blah blah blah.
Here's the catch: TB is divorced (which he had failed to mention in his online profile) and the only reason why I say this is because I'm not quite sure if the divorce is final, nor has the opportunity to talk about this presented itself. Thanks to good old Facebook, I discovered a picture of him WITH his wedding ring on that was dated May of 2008. I'm no rocket scientist, but I know it takes more than a couple of months to finalize a divorce.
Why hasn't the opportunity presented itself to discuss this, you ask? Because we've only been on three dates, and I try and refrain from talking about ex's, religion and politics until at LEAST the fifth date. Wouldn't ya know, we aren't really talking on the phone much...only sending back an email once or twice a week.
Another catch: We haven't had a first kiss. I TRIED making my move, but the guy is 6'6, and I'm standing tall at 5'8. I'd have to strategically position myself next to a ladder to reach his lips...seriously!
What's a girl to do? The "ifs ands and buts" have been running wild through my head.
- What if he's not completely divorced
- What if he's not into me and just wants to be friends
- Maybe he just moves slow
- Maybe he's still apprehensive about getting into a relationship
- He could be SUPER shy
The only thing I know for certain is he claims to not be bothered by the fact that I have a son (which was great news!).
Another little secret I'll let you in on.... I have been blogging for almost a year, and started this blog because I wanted to be able to write anonymously. Yup, you guessed it. Not only did most of my friends IRL read my blog, but TB happened to find it too. I'm just not ready to publicly plead for dating advice while the man I'm trying to date is reading my innermost thoughts.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Unfortunately, that's not in my cards.
This single gal is being guilted to put on a swimsuit, and take her son to an indoor water park.
Who would do such a horrible nasty thing to me? My mother. I'm not happy about this...so much so that I've started having mini anxiety attacks this afternoon. The nasty floors, the thought of exposing my out of shape body in public..it all makes me quiver.
It's not that I can't stand up to her and say no... I just can't handle the thought of being on her bad side. She's all I really have to confide in. I wish all of my eggs were in more than one basket.
The kicker? She's coming with to this demon water park...but she's not getting in the water. Grr.
So much for not shaving until I find a guy worth shaving for...
After many tears, shaved legs (and other unmentionable areas), I went...splashed...enjoyed the laughter of my son and my niece. Yes, you read that right...I enjoyed myself. It wasn't as overwhelming as I thought it was going to be.
It's just been one of those lonely days where I would've rather spent my time cooped up in my cave than face the public. The PMS monster was screaming in my brain to stay home....I felt fat, lonely, unwanted, like used-goods, unloved...and the list goes on.
I was missing a particular person from my past (who I know is poison for me...but that's another story for another time, I promise.)
Friday, October 24, 2008
- I don't have to shave my legs for months if I don't want to. This not only saves money, but a heckuva lot of time
- I always have the covers at night
- I don't have to argue or compromise with someone about what I'm eating/making for dinner. I can even go OUT to eat if I want to...it's quite liberating
- I can park where ever I want when I am running errands
- At night, I can call on my battery operated friends without judgment
- At night, I can decide NOT to call on my battery operated friends without judgment
- Aside from BB's clothes (baby boy, even though he's not so baby anymore), all of the laundry I do is MINE, so I only have myself to be irritated with when the clothes pile high and the stains run deep
- I can watch as much horrible reality television as I want
- I'm privy to the last scoop of ice cream
- I can eat as much garlic as I want
Thursday, October 23, 2008
As much as I long to find my soulmate who "completes me" I really love my life 98% of the time.
Specifically, I love not having to worry if I look good enough. Yes, my physique sucks. Yes, I'll get to it. Right now, I have more important things to do than check my son into ANOTHER daycare while mommy has alone time, only to pick him up and put him STRAIGHT TO BED. My physique is a sacrifice I make being a full-time job holding single parent.
I know my everyday routine sounds nauseating to some, and lazy to others...trust me when I say it's the furthest thing from lazy one could imagine...
If you watch Desperate Housewives, I can TOTALLY SEE how Gabby lets herself go after having children. Being a mom is honestly like a full time job where you're constantly putting in overtime, NEVER getting paid for a vacation, and rarely (if ever) allowed to take a sick day. Can you see why I'd want to mentally check out after being alert and attentive for upwards of 12 straight hours?
Some days, I question how my life would change if I found that special someone to share my nights with. Would I still feel as exhausted with a second half around? I'd like to think not. Would I turn off the television to have late night romp sessions? I'd like to think so. Does the probability of finding that special someone decrease when I have a poor self image? Yup, but I go to sleep comforted in knowing that I'm working on it.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I tend to spend most evenings alone. No worries, this isn't a bitch session about poor single me, it's just the facts. When you have a two year old you need to be at home, and he needs a schedule.
My friends who could keep me company fall into one of four categories categories:
1) Single but live a good drive away (and by good drive, I mean 20-30 minutes one way)
2) They live with their boyfriend/gf
3) Our friendship is more of an acquaintance, and doesn't entail hanging out one-on-one
4) All of the above
My Single Girl Survival tactics* during the week are fairly consistent:
~ Pick up my son from daycare (school, if you will)
~ Get home and try to whip up something for dinner
~ Give him a bath/put him to bed
~ Sit on the couch and mentally check out while watching horrible reality television and/or a nighttime drama
~ Go to bed to wake up the next morning, and repeat
The weekends are a WHOLE different story. I don't have a schedule, so mere chaos always seems to be looming around the next corner. My only saving grace is I've become accustomed to being alone. My son is small enough where he can't fully hold a conversation with me. Let's be real, it's going to be about 15 years before he will WANT to have an adult conversation with me...kids have to be kids.
Here's where there's a twist in my plot. I've been TRYING to date. I've been TRYING to put myself out there...and I feel like I'm suffering from the syndrome of "If you give a mouse a cookie". I've been on a few dates with a man I'll call Tall Boy (TB). It's the first time in a long time I've felt butterflies in my stomach. It's scary, exciting, and refreshing to see him. However, it's the first time I've formally dated a guy and it makes the nights I'm alone feel that much more lonely. What a catch-22, eh?
*Supplies needed for SGST include but are not limited to:
Batteries for your remote
A charged cell phone
A TV Guide if you haven't memorized the weekly television lineup
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
We drove across town and the second I walked into the door I retreated to my shy self. I became a wallflower and breathed in the experience through listening instead of speaking up. I don't know how the next thing happened, but before I knew it I found myself sitting outside with an extremely inebriated guy. I was stone cold sober, and he was slurring words I only wish I could understand. I didn't speak with many boys at this age, but I was making an honest attempt. To be honest, it was the most attention I had ever received from a boy. My blinders were up, and my subconscious was flooding my head: "Oh my god, he's totally into me. How cool is that?!"
Out of nowhere, he leaned over the side of the stairs we were sitting on, and proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach all over the lawn. I was speechless, and so was my subconscious. I did the first thing that came to mind, and started rubbing his back, saying it was alright. He started sobbing (what I now know to be the "drunken manic sob session"). I felt horrible. He kept going on and on about how horrible he felt for getting so wasted, blah blah blah.
The next thing I knew, his tongue was being forced down my throat. You guessed it, the same tongue that was JUST spewing EVERYWHERE found itself groping the inside of my mouth.
The night ended shortly after. I will never forget my first kiss no matter how hard I've tried. Who makes out with someone who was JUST puking? That's right, this chick does.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I have had a rocky dating life, as most single twenty-somethings can attest to. I envy those who meet the person who completes them. I want to be one of those people, but I have standards and am riddled with poor judgement. I tend to want what I can't have. If, by some crazy twist of fate, I get what I want (be it a boys number, a few dates, or even a boyfriend, I usually find an amazing way to muck it up). I haven't been in a relationship in over three years (since before my son was born).
I am going to dedicate Tuesdays to Turning back time. I will start with the beginning of my skewed life with men. Each week, you can look forward to a new story which stays true to the order in which it happened. Tomorrow, I will start with my first kiss (trust me when I say it fits my dating life to a T).
I haven't decided when or how often I will post the other six days of the week...I guess you'll have to stay tuned. I welcome any and all comments so long as you aren't anonymous. If you have an opinion to share, the least you can do is let me know who you are so I have a chance for a follow-up.