Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Just My Luck

I'm not used to attention from men.  As I've already explained (most likely for the sake of reminding myself), I've been single so long I've pretty much forgotten that I'm a sexual, emotional human being.  Instead I've transformed into somewhat of a robot; I work, go to school, take care of my son, wash, rinse, repeat.

When I've dabbled in online dating (or dating of ANY kind) in the past, little if ANYTHING has come from it.  I've written (in my little corner of the net here) about crushes, one night stands, wash, rinse, repeat.  Never do I recall a time when a man has overtly said kind things to me, sweet things, or even romantic things.  Never can I recall on a time when I've been told repeatedly, "You're so beautiful," or "you're so smart, it's so attractive," or "because of my situation, I'm afraid you're going to be swooped up, and taken off the market."  

I've met a new man; a man I am so excited to get to know that words can barely describe....but then reality sets in and I remind myself that he is currently married.  What man would truly be able to say such kind things to me while legally committed to another woman?  Who am I to think he wouldn't wind up doing the same thing to me?  Who am I to fathom he would do the same thing to me and not give him a chance?  It's times like this I wish I could predict the future.

Here I sit, and I can't stop thinking about him.  His smile, his touch, his adorable facial expressions.  I can't stop thinking about how natural I feel with him; how I can be (and have been) myself with little to no inhibitions.  Here I sit, when all of the sudden the gray-cloud of his (current) marriage rolls over my head as if it were the most devilish wall-cloud I've ever bore witness to. 

I've shared this new-found relationship with a couple of friends.  I'm apprehensive to share with more because they won't understand.  Traditionally and stereotypically speaking, "once a cheater always a cheater" is what they'll tell me.  Half of me is selfish in pursuing this because I've never felt this, and dammit I want it to be my turn.  The other half of me is repeating "you've got to be kidding yourself, this will never work, he will never leave his wife."  The entire relationship is all of two weeks old, and already I am blown away by the depth of our connection.  Since I've been able to be myself, I've been honest with him in saying I will not be a secret friend, and have told him he needs to be honest with me and with his wife.  I've fought off numerous advances from him, but sadly admit the line was crossed once and we've shared our first kiss.  His hugs are soothing, comforting, and even romantic. 

Although I can open up here, I am honestly holding back with him.  I want to tell him complimentary things as they happen.  I want to tell him how amazing he has made me feel.  I want to tell him how much I like how I feel when I speak with him, and when we get to see each other.  I want to tell him these things, but I hold back because I'm stubborn and refuse to start something with a married man.  Sure, one can argue I've already started it...but I'm holding back because it's the best I can do in the current situation.

At times I feel like he's reading my mind, randomly telling me it's ok if I text him anytime, but phone calls would be tough.  He says he is going to step up, be a man, and explain to his wife that yes they're going to go through with a divorce.  He says time will tell if he's really being honest, because if no progress is being made then I should, in essence, move on.  He's asked me if I believe in destiny, (and had he not asked me in person I probably would have rolled my eyes and laughed at him) the look in his eyes were sincere, genuine, and coming from a good (possibly even great) place. 

Two weeks.  The course of all of these emotions have submerged me within two weeks. 

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