Friday, May 22, 2015

Happy Graduation to Me.

Tomorrow I walk across a stage of a University to receive my undergraduate degree.  It took me damn near twelve years to achieve a four-year degree, but in that time I found myself traveling down a bumpy road, becoming a solo parent, puppy owner, home owner, and full-time professional in my own meager attempt to pay bills.  A long road, mostly solo (aside from the dog, and my baby boy).  Solo in terms of having a solid form of adult support...and dammit, I did it.  I didn't NEED a man.  I didn't NEED to be in a relationship.  I tried, yes, but even as I embark on graduation tomorrow, NEEDING a man is still not a part of my vernacular.

As a graduation gift to myself I cancelled my online dating subscription.

This year I have been riddled with dating disasters:

  • Unbeknownst to me, I dated a married man (and had an electric connection with....a connection that gave me hope of what could be even in the face of fallacy seeing as he outright lied to me about his marital situation, but in reality, I did not tolerate his dishonesty, nor could he handle my assertive request for an explanation).  
  • I have chatted with a few men from various online dating sites, but those situations were kept online (which was the best possible result because my gut instincts told me so).  
  • I've dated the man whom I shared an intense physical chemistry with, but was selfish; and I allowed him to be so in hopes that he would realize how amazing I actually was, in hopes he would also realize the importance of returning the same generosity I had been affording him (which, no surprise here, completely backfired in my face).  
  • I had a mini long-distance fling with a man who seemed perfect...until he started to not be, and told me he thought I was too pushy and go go go for him...and instead of becoming offended I view his opinions of me as a clear sign we are not compatible because I stand in my assertiveness and motivation with pride instead of shame.

Dating for the past few months I have come to realize the importance of self reflection.  Identifying my wants and separating them from my needs is a gift I will bring to the table if I ever happen to meet a man strong enough to appreciate me, and all I have to offer.  No, I have not given up hope...but I am realistic in acknowledging that, because I have so much to offer another person, finding a man that can accept this would be a miraculous feet; more so than finding a needle in a haystack.

I want a partnership, someone to share laughter with.  
I want a man in my life who will respect me, and appreciate all I have to offer.
I want to be loved, and for my love to be accepted and embraced with compassion.
I want to be supported on tough days, and celebrated with when the time is appropriate.
I want a lover; someone to share an insane passion with, who wants to explore physical pleasure with an open mind.
I want honesty.
I want reciprocation.
I want to be treated the same way I treat him.  

All of these things are wants....electives, only attributes to improve the quality of my life, but not imperative for my happiness.  However, in their elective nature, I will not settle for less because my wants are qualities I deserve.  They are qualities that are my bottom line, and I go to sleep knowing I am worth, at the very least, the things in life that I want...but take comfort within myself knowing my wants are not imperative for me to feel content.

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