Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sunday Blues

Today, I sit and I cry. I cry about things that are not. I cry about things that could be, but won't. I sit. I cry.

I know my hormones are bringing about this intense surge of eeyore syndrome. I know it will (most likely) only last today and tomorrow I will wake up with strength to shelve these emotions.

I want a home with a yard for my child to play in, and I cry because I don't foresee that happening before he is in kindergarten (or ever). My credit is horrible, and my income is just enough to keep the lights on, and pay daycare.

I cry because others around me are afforded great opportunity, and I wonder why I haven't been afforded the same because I work just as hard, if not harder (yeah, I am the complete and total makings of a solo pity party...).

I cry because my relationship with my father has faded into nothing, and it kills me.

I cry because my mom has a new found freedom that doesn't include me, but her "boyfriend" and the nearest bar or bottle of beer.

I cry because my brother is going to be sent to war, and I cry for his daughter and the possibility that she might not ever know her father.

I cry because the hope of me finding a man to compliment my life seems impossibly impossible.

I cry because I feel like I am failing my child. Yes, he might not think so today...but in 20 years I fear he will look back and hold animosity towards me...for not affording him a stable nucleic family that I had growing up....

I sit alone, and I cry.

2 comments:

AirmanMom said...

My heart hurts for you today.
I do believe your son will grow to admire your strength. He will not miss what he does not know, he will love you for what you give him. Try your best to wake each morning and make it a good day. Be the person, you want your son to see you as...loving, hard-working, honest and dedicated. Give him the best you have each day, he will see this and will love you for doing this much for him and for you!
As for your other worries, take care of what is yours to take care of. Pray for the other situations.
Stay Strong!
~AM

doahleigh said...

I'm so sorry you have so much to cry for. Those are never good times. I wish I could make all those things right. But if there is anything I can do, let me know. I'm always up for a good gchat if you need to vent.