Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Question.

Go to church or not go to church...that is the question at hand here.

I've had a moral spiritual debate since the moment I became preggo with baby boy (about four years ago). I'm catholic, and had been having unprotected sex...but nobody in church knew, so I wasn't worried! However, the moment a bun is in your oven there's no denying the fact that you were doing the nasty before a ring was on your finger.

I felt too guilty to go to church. I tried to go with BB was only 4 months old, but left in tears...feeling like everyone was judging me because I wasn't wearing a ring. I saw the newly married couples scattered about, and was horribly sad that it wasn't me sitting with a husband. It sucked.

Fast forward 3.5 years. I tried arranging to have BB baptized with my niece while my brother was in town on leave from the Navy. I made some calls to different catholic churches, and once on the phone with a priest, I was met with the same scorn and ridicule that I had felt from the last time I was at church. "Will your husband be present?" to which I replied "I'm not married, nor is my son's father in my life." Silence, then an "Oh..that's not a good thing" said in the most condescending way possible.

I decided not to go through with the baptism...especially because I don't want to force BB to be involved in the same scorn and judgement that I've felt for the past four years.

My internal church debate still lingers. I have spiritual beliefs, but I haven't found a place where I feel safe to express my beliefs. I feel guilty at the thought of going to a church that isn't catholic, yet cannot stand a catholic service.

I've had coworkers suggest coming to their church but I'm hesitant for a couple of reasons:
  1. They don't attend a catholic church
  2. I'm unsure of their intentions for inviting me
  3. What if I don't like their church..will it have negative implications on my professional relationship with them?
  4. I'm still struggling with guilt all around

What are your thoughts? This single mama just doesn't know what to do. I'm fairly certain I know what I believe...I'm just not sure where my beliefs are welcomed without judgement.


AirmanMom said...

ss+1...I too was "born" Catholic, with the ultra-strong guilt gene. I have received several sacraments...and then I divorced. I quit going to Church, since I did not feel welcome in the Catholic Church. After a few years, I felt strongly that my children and I needed a church life. I needed my children to develop their own relationship with God. The support of a church family, was lacking also. So I 'tested' a couple of religions. For a while we attended services at a Baptist church, whew! We tried the Episcopal, it was too close to Catholic for my taste. I am now a Methodist. For me, it is a walk down the middle of the road.
I do hope you and your son find a Church home, a place where you feel loved and accepted. You and your son deserve this!

doahleigh said...

I stopped going to church a long time ago. And oddly, my understanding of god and faith and spirituality has blossomed since then. Unfortunately organized religion can be so stifling. I think you need to do what feels right, and if going to church makes you feel judged and unsafe in your beliefs... now THAT is not a good thing!