Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Where to start...

I'm a minute away from asking my mom to go to counseling with me... Doesn't that sound like a basket of vomit? Yeah, I agree.

It's so frustrating to feel so completely disconnected from your parents, especially when they live within 20minutes from you, and are alive, breathing, but mentally unhealthy.

I have little to no common ground with either of my parents, but my relationship with my mom is ugly.

Passive aggressive. (read: I get my sarcastic whit from my father)

Bottled feelings. (read: the woman drinks...a lot)

I refuse to bring my son to her house on a regular basis because they regularly smoke...inside....and I wish it were just cigarettes.

I have moments like these a few times a year...where I feel emotionally beaten to a frustrated lump of a person. Eeyore syndrome flows through my veins uncontrollably. All I want to do is punch a few pillows, scream, then sink into my bed pulling the covers over my head... wishing, hoping and praying for a change in my life long failed relationship with my mom.

I need help relating to her. I need her to choose to quit drinking. I need her to choose to be a responsible grandmother, just as I've chosen to be a responsible parent. I need my mom to be a mom, and not a selfish 50 year old woman. I need to stop feeling so much resentment towards her.

Co-counseling feels like the only option I have left.

I've tried sitting down at her house, telling her my feelings. Shit hits the fan and nothing is accomplished. = fail.

I've tried meeting with her, one on one, in a public place. I always feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel...but when we follow through and attempt to "hang out" post serious discussion, she (literally) reverted to texting and wondering off to smoke. = fail.

I've tried to have shouting matches with her. = fail.

I've tried to explain myself through ugly crying. = fail.

Dammit I am so sick of trying.

But I will continue to try....hence, counseling. (is it horrible of me to hope and pray that her insurance will cover this?!)


On a semi-unrelated note:

I am SOOOOOO ready for August to be OVER. It's been a great year, but good LORD August has kicked my rear upside down and backwards. So, here's to you, September, it took ya long enough to get here!!

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