Friday, December 18, 2009

Missing him.

I wanted to call him. My stomach was churning. I felt alone. I missed him.

Mark and I haven't spoken in a long time. In fact, I decided to cut him out my life because our relationship continued to spiral in a vicious circle, never improving.
  1. We would be civil with each other.
  2. We would spend a lot of time with one another.
  3. He would become irritated with me for always wanting to go out and spend money.
  4. I would grow irritated with him for being so darn irritable, and never wanted to talk with me. A fight would ensue.
  5. We wouldn't talk for a while.
  6. Return to step one.

After the discussion with my mom, I felt horrible and completely alone. Disagreeing with your family is a very isolating feeling for me. I love the few friends I have, but they are busy with their own life, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting to them what I had said, or publicizing how I felt about my brother (which is ironic in itself since I'm broadcasting my feelings on the internet without blinking an eye, I digress). The only person I could think about talking to was Mark.

I miss him when life gets hard. I miss the ways he would try to cheer me up in his own goofy way. I miss the good times we shared with one another, but know the negative animosity we also shared is too strong for me to return to him. As much fun as we had together, we were poison when combined, and for this reason, I resisted my urge to call.

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