Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Crotchrocket...Present Day

It started back up with a friend request on Facebook.

Of course I accepted, and honestly, I was completely surprised and taken aback when I received the request. It had been (darn near) close to 10 years since I had heard from him...Ten crazy years, but ten years none the less.

Immediately I was overcome with a flood of emotions. I craved to find out what he had been up to. What’s his life like? What’s changed? What’s new? What’s different? I wanted to know it all.

(I laugh realizing that both times we’ve begun speaking have been via the internet, but I’m excited to be speaking with him again.)

He has a house now, a girlfriend with whom he purchased the house with, and a one year old girl.

I’m extremely happy for him, but completely torn with “what if’s.” I know, I know…I shouldn’t do this to myself…but my thoughts keep harassing me.

He makes me laugh.
He’s silly, and lives his life in a light hearted manner.
I make him laugh.
He has a job.
He's not crazy.
…and the history between the two of us is there, and the chemistry is unreal.

I feel guilty talking with him, which means I know in my gut that what I’m doing is wrong. Every time we talk, we flirt. It’s how it’s always been. I feel like no time has passed at all, and I feel extremely comfortable talking with him…but it’s unfair to him, unfair to his girlfriend, and certainly unfair to his little girl. I’m not trying to be the other woman, but did I mention the chemistry between us is electric, be it online or on the phone.

I told him to tell his girlfriend that we were talking, and he said she’s the jealous type. I refuse to allow myself to be his secret friend. I refuse to let myself be the other woman. I deserve more than that.

He’s told me he’ll introduce me to a single guy friend of his, but I don’t believe him. My instincts tell me he feels the same way about me as I do about him…While talking on the phone, I told him that I’ve really missed talking with him, then he agreed…and silence ensued. So today, I sit here confused. Being reminded of how much fun I used to have, and how I laugh until my belly aches when we talk has left me wanting more…has left me wanting him more.

My gut feels wrenched but the selfish being inside of me is soaking it all up. I feel like I’m destined for hell.


AirmanMom said...

Tough situation...
Listen to those little voices! They are based on experience... no need to put yourself through anything which is unnecessary and will end with you being hurt. Just don't do it to yourself, you are worth so much more.
Just sayin'....
p.s. thanks for the e-mail, I'll get a box mailed to your brother!

Jill said...

Damn... not a good situation to be in, but we've all been there. "What if, what if, what if..." can make you crazy!

Follow your head or your heart? Hard to say, but don't ignore the past. And, don't be a 'secret' friend.

T said...

Yeah, this is tough. Been there, done that. I just recently stopped talking with someone for the same reason. The secret part of it? That makes it SO much more intense. Its so fun to live in that secret world. Reality, though, is where we really are.