Monday, April 26, 2010

Indulgent.

I was indulgent this past weekend. Severely indulgent. At one point (or another), I consumed pizza, turkish food, homemade hollandaise (with hashbrowns, green peppers and onions), spicy alfredo (with rotini pasta, asparagus and butternut squash), and even managed to squeeze in a few fudge striped cookies.

As I sat on my couch last night, munching on said fudge striped cookies, I started asking myself "Why in the world are you treating your body like this?!". The only answer that I could feasibly come up with is: control.

I've been sitting on a rather large decision lately...that to return to school to finish earning my bachelors degree. Sure, it doesn't sound like it would be a horribly tough decision, because when can a bachelors degree be a bad thing? Well, I'm here to tell you, a bachelors degree can be a horrible thing if you're facing adding about 20k in debt to your already tarnished credit.

My questions have turned from "when am I going back to school" to "do I need to go to a noteworthy school to have this be worth my debt? or could I settle for a less expensive route that have the means to the same exact end?" The debate goes on.

I've asked my parents - they tell me to talk to someone else.
I've asked facebook - I've received a couple of great comments...but still can't make up my mind.
I've asked a really good childhood friend - She really didn't know what to tell me, and ended the conversation with a "Well, good luck!"

I've even gone so far as to REALLY think about my five year plan...where I want to be, or what I want to do. Here's the path's I've come up with:
  1. Move abroad for a year post graduating, only if I could defer said student loans until I return AND figure out a way to move baby boy in a safe and healthy manner. The institution I earn my degree from wouldn't be AS imperative...
  2. Post degree, apply for an upgraded position within the current company that I work...which would MOST LIKELY entail moving to a different state, as the current market I'm working in has little to no room for growth. Taking this route would mean that the institution I earn my degree from wouldn't matter as much...
  3. Apply for better paying position in the current city I'm living in. This route would make the place I earn my degree from a little more important.
So I ate. And ate. And, yes, ate some more. I don't know which school is best for me, and I certainly can't pinpoint where my life will lead me in the next five years. My decision seems all the more challenging, because it's the life of my son AS WELL as my life that will inevitably be affected.

I'm still eating today...because maybe by the next bite or the next gulp of my indulgent mint coffee I'll attain some sliver of clarity.

Sure there are other problems in the world greater than mine...I get that. Currently, right now...this is all I can think about.

Are you gonna eat that, or can I have it? thanks.

3 comments:

T said...

No one can really tell you what to do. That is a tough decision. Stop eating for a moment and do something to take your mind away from the decision. THAT is when you will find your clarity.

((hugs))

Enjoy those cookies. Then go take a yoga class or something, mmmkay? :)

SS+1 said...

Thanks T. I wish it were as easy as putting down the food and exercising. I'm sure I've fallen deep into the habbit of making excuses for myself, but with being a single parent (who is at work about 50 hours per week, with commute time) I rarely have a minute to escape. I suppose now is the time for me to dust off my Wii Fit and do something about it!!

AirmanMom said...

you and your little guy deserve you to be at your best. I was a single mom for a long time, so I do understand the exhaustion-mental and physical. One day when my daughter was 11, she asked me who would take care of them if I died. It was my wake up call to take care of myself in a manner that would have me here for a long time. Years later, my kids are now grown, I have 4 grandgirls and I feel as though I am still in my 30's! I wish you health and happiness, because you deserve it all!!!!
~AM