Once a month a sense of euphoria overtakes me. I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything. My confidence level is high, and my attitude is nauseatingly optimistic. This euphoria comes the week AFTER my period, and lasts for about a week, until the PMS monster creeps into my soul....and I realize my euphoria was a facade.
Today, I'm euphoric...but today feels different than other times. I think I feel different today because I finally feel like I'm in control of my life. I finally feel happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. Maybe my depression was seasonal..but looking back at the last five years, I feel like I've been living my life under a dark cloud. Some days I managed to smile, and others I even managed to laugh...but there's rarely a night in the past five years that I've gone to sleep happy and content with my core self.
Sure, I love baby boy. Sure, his love has given me a temporary sense of euphoria (at times)....but being a single mom was NEVER in my life plans, so many nights my false euphoria was clouded by disappointment that I allowed myself to be in a single-fulltime working mom situation.
For the past three months I've taken my life into MY hands. I started out the year by treating myself to a spa day, and haven't stopped being a self advocate since. I even started seeing a counselor to help me sort out internal issues that I feel have contributed to my dark cloud. And now, the cloud I've felt suffocated by has been breaking up...and darnit it feels amazing.
I can look in the mirror and smile. I can take a shower without feeling disgusted about my body (no lie, I've hated taking showers because I've hated getting naked...rest assured, I still bathed..tmi? probably. I digress). I don't feel like a failure anymore because I'm not married. Who knows if I'll ever even WANT to get married. I'm happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing.
Period. The end.
...actually, it's not the end...it's just the beginning.