He's back...

Tall Boy.


I had to look back in email and blog history to figure out exactly how long it had been...but one thing I hadn't forgotten about him was his liking for America's favorite past time, baseball.


See, looking back in my blog history, I realize I never fully explained what happened with him (and if I did explain, I can't remember). In a nutshell, we had been on about five dates...we never kissed. One time, asking him how things were going, I was met with a "I have fun hanging out with you" response...only to be followed up a couple of weeks later with an instant message on my computer that said he didn't want to date anymore...Yup, my internet version of the Sex in the City episode where Carrie is broken up on a post-it.

I was initially shocked, and very frustrated...I BELIEVE I responded with a courteous "alright"..but I can't be too sure.

Fast forward to earlier this year:

The first vacation I had been on since having baby boy was to Florida for spring training. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

The opening of a new MLB stadium in my city occurred in April. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

Fast forward to a week and a half ago:

I'm the first person to admit I'm NOT technologically savvy. I was putzing around on an old email address of mine and BOOM, I discovered they had added a chat feature, AND I figured out how to activate it...all.by.myself (insert high five to self here).

...and what do ya know, Tall Boy was online.

(disclaimer: at one point, we used to be friends on facebook...but when I feel like I no longer want or need a person to see my personal happenings of facebook, I'll be the first to unfriend them...oh snap).

It started with a friendly message from me, about baseball, of course. We went on to do the generic "catching up" and have shared a few friendly chats here and there since.

Yesterday, he sent me a message that had to do with a comment on a different blog I write. He wanted to explain his perspective on dating a single parent. I was flattered he still kept up on my blog, but between you and me, I was equally sad that we had stopped dating and/or talking for the last couple of years. Besides dating back when he was fresh out of a divorce, he was open in expressing that he didn't know what he wanted or if he even wanted to date....and my heart slightly sank when, last week, he told me he still didn't know if he wanted to date....

I am a firm believer in timing. Is he the one for me? I haven't a clue. What I know is I still don't feel the two of us were given a fair chance (specifically by him...I digress). I also know that I'm still an awesome person, he'd be darn lucky to date me, and I'm still interested in him (but too afraid to admit it).

(insert deep sigh here).

Secrets...

...that aren't so secret anymore.

• I will eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting.
• I honestly do love baseball.
• I rarely can speak on cue, but find it a LOT easier to express my thoughts in the written word.
• I'm deathly afraid of failure..which a lot of the time prohibits me from trying in the first place.
• I rarely go #2 if I'm not at home.
• I'm very bummed out that everyone around me has a more successful dating life than me.
• I know I'm awesome, but the majority of the time feel like I'm the only one that thinks so.
• I have a love/hate relationship with money.
• I only wear scented lotion when I have gas.
• The only time my room has been clean in the past five years is when I've invited a man I'm interested in over to my house.
• If I'm out of underware, I'll go commando before I'll do laundry...because I hate laundry THAT MUCH.
• Because I'm horrible at eating leftovers, I'll usually eat what I've cooked (even if it means eating three servings worth) just so I don't have to deal with leftovers in my fridge.
• Sometimes I'll drink a glass of water, then return the glass to my cupboard because I can't justify washing a glass that was only used for water.
• I really do think I can carry a tune...but I know I'll wind up on the bloopers reel if I ever dare tryout for American Idol, because I can BARELY sing when I'm nervous.
• As much as I know cell phones and driving don't mix, I LOVE talking on my phone whilst driving (specifically when I'm driving FROM work to pick up baby boy...it's the only time during my day where I can speak freely and openly without distractions from my lovely son).
• There are currently only two foods I won't touch...black licorice and raisins.
• This might come across as crazy, but I really do love being a mom...and most days I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Indulgent.

I was indulgent this past weekend. Severely indulgent. At one point (or another), I consumed pizza, turkish food, homemade hollandaise (with hashbrowns, green peppers and onions), spicy alfredo (with rotini pasta, asparagus and butternut squash), and even managed to squeeze in a few fudge striped cookies.

As I sat on my couch last night, munching on said fudge striped cookies, I started asking myself "Why in the world are you treating your body like this?!". The only answer that I could feasibly come up with is: control.

I've been sitting on a rather large decision lately...that to return to school to finish earning my bachelors degree. Sure, it doesn't sound like it would be a horribly tough decision, because when can a bachelors degree be a bad thing? Well, I'm here to tell you, a bachelors degree can be a horrible thing if you're facing adding about 20k in debt to your already tarnished credit.

My questions have turned from "when am I going back to school" to "do I need to go to a noteworthy school to have this be worth my debt? or could I settle for a less expensive route that have the means to the same exact end?" The debate goes on.

I've asked my parents - they tell me to talk to someone else.
I've asked facebook - I've received a couple of great comments...but still can't make up my mind.
I've asked a really good childhood friend - She really didn't know what to tell me, and ended the conversation with a "Well, good luck!"

I've even gone so far as to REALLY think about my five year plan...where I want to be, or what I want to do. Here's the path's I've come up with:

1. Move abroad for a year post graduating, only if I could defer said student loans until I return AND figure out a way to move baby boy in a safe and healthy manner. The institution I earn my degree from wouldn't be AS imperative...
2. Post degree, apply for an upgraded position within the current company that I work...which would MOST LIKELY entail moving to a different state, as the current market I'm working in has little to no room for growth. Taking this route would mean that the institution I earn my degree from wouldn't matter as much...
3. Apply for better paying position in the current city I'm living in. This route would make the place I earn my degree from a little more important.

So I ate. And ate. And, yes, ate some more. I don't know which school is best for me, and I certainly can't pinpoint where my life will lead me in the next five years. My decision seems all the more challenging, because it's the life of my son AS WELL as my life that will inevitably be affected.

I'm still eating today...because maybe by the next bite or the next gulp of my indulgent mint coffee I'll attain some sliver of clarity.

Sure there are other problems in the world greater than mine...I get that. Currently, right now...this is all I can think about.

Are you gonna eat that, or can I have it? thanks.

Coffee, anyone?

Insert jealous single girl HERE.

Well people, my close group of friends (read: two girls) have gone from single to in relationships....it happened (what feels like) overnight...in actuality, one started dating J in January, the other met and has become serious with a guy she met a week ago.

I'm happy for both of them but all I want to do is cry.

I have this huge issue where I feel like I NEED to be around people because I HATE feeling like I'm alone...and when you have single friends you find things to do together. However, when your single friends start dating #BOOM. You no longer have people to turn to for a spontaneous run to get coffee, or company whilst walking around a lake because said people are busy getting ready for dates, or entertaining their new men.

I guess you could say the next few weeks will be a time for me to readjust....but I'm fearful it will be an isolating time of readjustment...and I HATE isolation. The older I get, the more challenging it is to find people to hang out with...and the catch is, I don't want to find new people to hang out with...I am resistant to change. I want MY people back...but then again, that's a selfish and unfair expectation.

So, I'll go forward with my life. I'm happy for both of them...really, I am. I'll fake being happy for me and my situation until my adjustment period settles, and becomes my new normalcy.

Anyone want to meet me for coffee?

Dear B,

As crazy as this might sound, I put a lot of thought into our little chat yesterday.

What I've concluded? What will be, will be.

I know I can come off as an extremely strong personality (which is immediately off-putting), but I know I'm a great person.
I know I'm completely harmless.
I know I have a heart of gold.
I know why I want to get to know you (which I'm not comfortable fully disclosing that to you yet)
and I know I want to find out more.

If you want to take a walk sometime, or feel the need to venture out to 394 and Highway 100 for lunch (which happens to be where I work), that would be awesome. If not, I'm alright with that.

I, like you, believe things in life and the people you meet, happen for a reason.



************************************

I met a boy.

He's artsy, sexy, and I am intrigued by him. We crossed path's at a party last weekend. We talked a bit...and ironically enough after he left, a person asked me if we were together. I knew I was interested in him, but it wasn't until I was asked if we were together that I really gave him some thought.

We spoke online yesterday. I tried my hardest to not come off as crazy (key word: tried). See, I have zero patience to let things roll when I'm intrigued. Call it a flaw. Call it the reason why I'm single. Call it what you want.

My gut is telling me he's trouble, but I feel like that's one of a few reasons why I am so intrigued by him. Possibly my feelings are stemming from horrible old habits yearning for something even though I know it's bad for me....it's just....he's just...ugh, bad, hot, mysterious, rugged...seriously.

During our conversation, I asked him if he wanted to meet up for lunch sometime. He responded by telling me he doesn't hang out with girls one on one. My heart skipped because I knew he was saying he "just wasn't into me"....but maybe I'm reading into it too much? Good lord, who knows.

...for now, patience and pushing him out of my head seems to be the only way I can internally resolve my intriguing feelings for him. (insert deep sigh here)

Me.

I want it all.
I want it now.
I want wanting it all and wanting it now to be ok.

I think it is. (the key word being THINK..which is mighty dangerous, especially if I'm involved).

I'm effed.

Today marks the start of a wellness challenge in my company. It's pretty cool knowing that your company is willing to fork out money for a program to help their employees get fit (even though they're only doing so to renegotiate lower insurance policies, I digress).

Our program started with a company coming to our office to take initial measurements of height and weight to calculate our BMI. Those participating were then placed on a team and are competing with other office teams to lose weight for cash incentives.

Today, I discovered I would need to lose (brace yourselves..) 70 lbs in order to reach a healthy weight (insert panicky tears here).

How ironic is it that on the first day of this activity, all I want to do is devour a gallon of ice cream?

I'm trying to make healthy choices...really, I am. I've been on a healthier diet kick since March 12th, where I've cut down my dairy consumption significantly, incorporated whole grains, fresh fruit and veggies almost daily, AND haven't eaten red meat, chicken or pork.

Exercise is my arsenic.

I can't find an ounce of motivation to bring me past the point of already feeling to defeated to exercise. OH MAH GAH it is so frustrating.

I know the simple steps to losing weight, but I've never been able to follow through with them.

1. diet
2. exercise
3. diet (meaning, make healthy choices that don't include candy and crap food)

blah blah blah.

My optimism for pulling this off is next to nothing. Granted, I'm not even expecting myself to lose 45 lbs....but for the love of god can something just start clicking for me in terms of weight loss? I'm an expert at packing it on, but have NEVER cut weight.

A little (lot) of help please?

p.s. this post brought to you by the Poor Me Foundation.

A Different Perspective

He said "maybe I just need a steady girlfriend."* My jaw dropped. It was the first time (I can remember) actually hearing a guy say he "needed a girlfriend."

I don't know if it's me, the people I hang out with, or the area I live...but I rarely (if ever) hear men saying they need a woman in their life. Sure, guys want sex...but a wanting a relationship, never.

Most of this kind of talk is done between girls (totally stereotypical, I know). I guess it was comforting to hear, firsthand, that wanting a relationship can (and does) go both ways.


*note: The He I'm referring to is a friend from high school...who also happened to date a good friend of mine a year ago. This did NOT bode well between the two of them...for that and a couple other reasons, I see the two of us only being friends.

p.s. can I use enough of these ( ) in my post today (insert rolling eyes at myself here).

This is Me.

• I like to wear high heels, and I'm 5'9.
• I would choose a dress or a skirt over shorts or capris ANY day of the week.
• I typically take a half hour to get ready...MAYBE 45 minutes if a shower is involved.
• I don't mind getting dirty.
• I love camping even though I haven't been hard core camping in years.
• I crave bonfire's in the summer.
• I enjoy cooking.
• I hate cleaning up by myself.
• Laundry is a thorn in my side.
• I love bird watching.
• I love science in general.
• I could lay in a park and stare at the clouds for hours.
• I talk quite a bit, but look forward to moments of silence.
• I could use to lose 50 lbs.
• I have never succesfully lost weight.
• I'm addicted to regular coca-cola.
• I love listening to popular music...be it country or bubble-gum dance beats.
• I love listening to the songs from the musical Rent.
• I will never be a hipster when it comes to music.
• I don't really understand how people enjoy going to watch local bands.
• I am fairly certain that I'm aetheist....and was raised a catholic.
• I don't attend church services, and the thought of doing so gives me a knot in my stomach.
• I love my life most of the time.
• I am happy that I'm a mom most of the time.
• I'm returning to school and equally excited and nervous.
• I want to date for the sole purpose of feeling wanted and attractive.
• I try to hide my jealousy when a friend of mine starts dating someone new.