I've had a moral spiritual debate since the moment I became preggo with baby boy (about four years ago). I'm catholic, and had been having unprotected sex...but nobody in church knew, so I wasn't worried! However, the moment a bun is in your oven there's no denying the fact that you were doing the nasty before a ring was on your finger.
I felt too guilty to go to church. I tried to go with BB was only 4 months old, but left in tears...feeling like everyone was judging me because I wasn't wearing a ring. I saw the newly married couples scattered about, and was horribly sad that it wasn't me sitting with a husband. It sucked.
Fast forward 3.5 years. I tried arranging to have BB baptized with my niece while my brother was in town on leave from the Navy. I made some calls to different catholic churches, and once on the phone with a priest, I was met with the same scorn and ridicule that I had felt from the last time I was at church. "Will your husband be present?" to which I replied "I'm not married, nor is my son's father in my life." Silence, then an "Oh..that's not a good thing" said in the most condescending way possible.
I decided not to go through with the baptism...especially because I don't want to force BB to be involved in the same scorn and judgement that I've felt for the past four years.
My internal church debate still lingers. I have spiritual beliefs, but I haven't found a place where I feel safe to express my beliefs. I feel guilty at the thought of going to a church that isn't catholic, yet cannot stand a catholic service.
I've had coworkers suggest coming to their church but I'm hesitant for a couple of reasons:
- They don't attend a catholic church
- I'm unsure of their intentions for inviting me
- What if I don't like their church..will it have negative implications on my professional relationship with them?
- I'm still struggling with guilt all around
What are your thoughts? This single mama just doesn't know what to do. I'm fairly certain I know what I believe...I'm just not sure where my beliefs are welcomed without judgement.
2 comments:
ss+1...I too was "born" Catholic, with the ultra-strong guilt gene. I have received several sacraments...and then I divorced. I quit going to Church, since I did not feel welcome in the Catholic Church. After a few years, I felt strongly that my children and I needed a church life. I needed my children to develop their own relationship with God. The support of a church family, was lacking also. So I 'tested' a couple of religions. For a while we attended services at a Baptist church, whew! We tried the Episcopal, it was too close to Catholic for my taste. I am now a Methodist. For me, it is a walk down the middle of the road.
I do hope you and your son find a Church home, a place where you feel loved and accepted. You and your son deserve this!
~AM
I stopped going to church a long time ago. And oddly, my understanding of god and faith and spirituality has blossomed since then. Unfortunately organized religion can be so stifling. I think you need to do what feels right, and if going to church makes you feel judged and unsafe in your beliefs... now THAT is not a good thing!
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