Smidgen of an Update

I need something to give right about now.

See, although I’ve claimed to give up on men, and start focusing on me, myself and I…and can’t totally say I’ve been doing my best. I haven’t been to the gym in a week due to an INSANELY CRAZY schedule that I can’t even begin to explain. Oh, and then there was that public make-out session while I was extremely drunk last weekend (with a boy I’ll call Big V, whom I had only met for the first time, but had known OF him for a long time via facebook, I digress).

Have I mentioned I started taking happy pills last fall? I didn’t? Hmm…well, if I did or I didn’t, I kinda sorta forgot to take them for the past two weeks….WHAT WAS I EFFING THINKING?! No worries, I’m back on the blue little wonders….

Then there’s the “OMG I FEEL LIKE I’M PREGGO BUT I HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN ALMOST A DAMN YEAR” thing….Fer Realz. What in the hell is my problem? Right this very minute, it feels like a brand new minion is fluttering in my stomach! No joke…really, no joke. I made a doctor’s appointment because I was extremely unsettled that pseudo-pregnancy can be a contraindication of CANCER…eff that!

I’ll also let ya know that baby boy passed a wicked case of Strep Throat to me earlier this week. I swear to god it was the worst flipping sore throat I’ve ever had in MAH LIFE! The pain radiated to my ears. Gross.

I hate drama. Hate it. I have doing my damnedest to avoid drama, embrace the positive side of life, and breath...but that doesn't seem to be working too well for me lately. Any thoughts, suggestions, or extra good vibes you could spare for me? I greatly appreciate anything I can get at this point.

Shrinkin.

With the doom and gloom that seems to have been haunting me the past few weeks, I decided to utilize the Employee Assistance Program at my work. I've done this once before at the last place I worked at (about 3.5 years ago), and WHOA BOY..there's a reason why I haven't been back in over three years.

Rewind to 3.5 years ago.

• I was a new mom.
• I was a new SINGLE mom.
• I worked in a HORRIBLE environment full of caddy, snide, evil SOB's.
• I cried. all. the. time. (hello a smidgen of post-pardom...don't judge)

The appointment was close to my house. I found someone to watch baby boy, and walked in not knowing what to expect, but doing my darnedest to keep an open mind because I felt like I was sinking in a pit of quicksand.

The lady I poured my heart out to was absolutely no help. She told me my "issues" most likely stemmed from not eating cottage cheese and triscuits in the morning. While I have absolutely NOTHING against cottage cheese and triscuits, they were NOT the resolution to my family and money situation. Needless to say, I walked out feeling even more lost, and cried until I was sick of crying.

Fast forward to today.

I'm really not sure what to expect, although, I feel like I'm at a point that I need to speak with SOMEONE because:

1. My coworkers DON'T need to hear my personal gripes.
2. I have a really difficult time expressing my feelings to my parents without the conversation getting twisted into a dramatic fight.
3. I don't feel like my friends have the time for me to vent, especially because the issues I have to vent about are pretty heavy.
4. I want to be able to speak to someone and get good, sound feedback, as well as direction about what I should do to resolve the demons that seem to haunt me.

So peeps... Wish me luck. What's the worst that could happen? She'll tell me to eat raisins and black licorice daily (GASP!).

A Crush.

Sisters before Misters. Doe's before Bro's.

This past month has been the month of crazy, out of the blue break-ups for my friends. I don't know if there's something in the drinking water or what, but I've known 5 people who have gone through some sort of major dating dilemma/breakup.

Ya wanna know what's weird? I kind of have thing for a few of the ex's.

I feel really guilty about these feelings. So much so that I will never act on my crush(s), nor do I feel like I can explain it.

Is it normal to have a crush on your friends ex? An ex that has been dating your friend for years, or an ex that has only been dating your friend for a few month...does it matter? I feel really dirty for having these feelings. I don't know where they've come from, other than the fact that I'm single, horny, longing for male-attention, etc. I have had respect for these men, and I know for certain at least one of the "relationships" ended amiably....BUT STILL! Argh.

It makes me smile.

Winter has a crappy effect of me. Particularly this time of the year. But there are a few things that slightly improved my mood:

1. The sunrise this morning WAS AMAZING. I still strongly believe sunrises should only be witnessed from the comfort of your own bed, or when you've spent the entire night talking with someone special, I digress. It was an awe striking mix of pinks and purples...textured by the clouds, with a magical, bright, exuberant glow. It made me smile.
   
2. While driving to pick up Baby Boy, I was met with the faintest reflection of daylight...peering at me from the windows of a tall building. It was a wonderful sign that the days are starting to get longer. It made me smile
3. I settled in on a theme/idea for getting people together on my birthday weekend! My birthday falls on a Sunday (lame, yes...I know) so instead of going to the bars, and not remembering my birthday..I'm going to have a fun and silly ice skating part at The Depot! I am smiling just thinking about it.
4. I also had the brilliant idea to invite the blogging people I know to come stay in MN that weekend...have a blogger social night on Saturday, and attend the awesome skating afternoon on Sunday. Email me if you're interested, and we can nail down some details!!

What has made you smile lately?