Hope.

I sit in the office, unable to focus on the unread emails piling up in my inbox.  A piece of me feels empty, alone and in need of comfort.  A piece of me I am becoming more and more convinced I may have been born without.  I can't place my finger on it.  I can't explain more than the simple fact that I am acknowledging something is missing.  I don't know what this something is, but it's gone, and I feel incomplete.

I sit at my desk, wondering where to begin; not just with work but with my life, suffocating me as each minute passes.  The feeling of isolation can be unbearable, and if you've never experienced it, be grateful. 

Typing out texts, only to not send them because there's no place or time to be vulnerable today.  Nobody wants to hear it; not co workers, the world of facebook.  Nobody.

I am equally to blame for wanting to keep my feelings to myself today.  I'm not the type of person to blame others, and I'm sure as hell not going to start today.  Or is that my problem?  Do I want to bear responsibility for too many things around me, so much so that I suffocate myself? 

I'm happy with my life 353 days a year.  It's only about one day, every month, that I find myself disgusted, isolated and alone.  I wonder if I ever were to let someone in; would they be able to handle me on these dark seemingly hopeless days?  I fear the worst, and don't dare expect the best; although would expecting the best be some sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy? 

In one of my classes we are studying a woman from the 1940's who undertook a moral journey.  Since the beginning to class, I almost feel like the class should be studying me.  I go back and forth with my own morals (or lack thereof) on a regular basis.  The more we study her, perhaps the more I'll begin to understand myself; as I see far too many debaucherous comparisons between our lives (save for the fact that I'm not living in the 40's, nor am I jewish).

I'm ready for my life to adopt a cheesy saying like "it's come full circle."  (at least I think I'm ready).  I sure as hell know these once a month repeats of feeling gross are becoming less and less enjoyable as each one passes.

At least there are 353 days in a year that I'm more content than any one of those twelve.  Hope.

I love kissing.

The single life has proved a little mundane for me the past couple of months. I was adamant on not dating for all of 2009. Then, I was invited to a local radio station in early February as part of an Extreme Love Makeover thingie. It entailed me visiting with a psychic. He told me I didn't believe I'd find my soulmate, which was near spot-on.

To change my dubious thought process about finding my soulmate, I decided to toss my dating ban of 2009 to the dogs. I wasn't about to run out and date the next joe-schmo I came across...but I wasn't counting anyone out.

This past weekend I went out on the town with a great friend...and some people she knows. The night was fantastic. I came out of my shell, approached a bunch of guys just to say hi, and ended up having a wonderful make-out session with a sexy man back at my friends place. It was just the confidence boost I needed.

I gave him my number, but I don't think he's going to call...and I'm alright with that. He was fun to kiss, it's as simple as that!

As much as I bitch and moan about how much my parents irritate me, I can't imagine affording sanity through socializing without them. My mom specifically has been my savior once a month, taking baby boy off of my hands so I can have "me-time" to go out to the bars or hang out with friends without worrying about paying a babysitter.

I'm Me...Again!

Today was absolutely liberating...and it didn't even involve SEX! In a nutshell...I was able to go out shopping, and not stick to a tight budget. It's the first time I've been able to do this since before BB came into my life. It felt fucking amazing. I purchased a lot of decorative pieces for my living room walls (since they are classic boring apartment white). I now have a cool mist, filter free humidifier, and a new collection of cds (since my other ones were stolen pre-BB). I feel like me again, and I'm ready to revamp the look of my place head-on.


On another note...A personal ad. Not me selling myself, but me being upfront with what I want. Shared thoughts are VERY appreciated, thanks!

I want a man who isn't afraid to be looked after, but isn't afraid to do the looking after.
I want a man who is tolerant and patient.
A man who isn't afraid to be silly or spontaneous.
A man who is caring, with a strong shoulder to lean on.
I want a man who isn't afraid to want a woman in his life.
A man who is embracing of where I've been, and what I have to bring to the table.
I want a man who has a sense of humor, and is willing to laugh at himself and his own mistakes.
If you aren't willing to step up to the plate with an open mind, and a willingness to communicate, don't waste my time. You aren't the man for me, and I'm not the woman for you.