Writing out my thoughts and feelings sometimes feels more of a curse than a blessing. I fall victim to instant self analysis on a regular basis, and when I purge my analysis out into concrete words, it never ceases to fail that by the next day life has found a way to change.
The self reflection I've done the past few days is unreal. My friends have told me I know what I should do, but recognize the "right thing" is hard, if not impossible at times. There's a billion "what-if" scenarios constantly playing out in my mind.
What if he never leaves his wife?
What if he leaves his wife and things with us don't work out?
What if ...
What if...
What if...
My heart and head are still telling me to do the POLAR OPPOSITE. So what does and/or should one listen to when faced with conflicting thoughts and feelings?
I could sit on a park bench and stare into nothing for hours, and still not come up with the right answer.
Do I stop answering his calls? Do I keep speaking with him? How can I be a supportive friend even though clear lines have been crossed both in person, and via text message? How will I know what the right choice is?
I just want to scream.
But screaming would not only peg me as a crazy person....I don't think it would resolve anything.
To search for a resolution I feel my first step is to back away and stop analyzing. If I can prevent him from consuming my thoughts, and let things "be" I hope I'll fall upon the correct answer for me and for what might be to come.
So what does one do when they're trying to just "be"? They dive into a new semester in school, steal extra hugs from her son, join a fantasy football league and agree to play on a brand spankin new co-ed softball team. I think it's safe to say I'm going to be a busy girl the next few months, regardless of how things turn out with my (lack thereof) love life.
Showing posts with label It is my turn now. Show all posts
Showing posts with label It is my turn now. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Just My Luck
I'm not used to attention from men. As I've already explained (most likely for the sake of reminding myself), I've been single so long I've pretty much forgotten that I'm a sexual, emotional human being. Instead I've transformed into somewhat of a robot; I work, go to school, take care of my son, wash, rinse, repeat.
When I've dabbled in online dating (or dating of ANY kind) in the past, little if ANYTHING has come from it. I've written (in my little corner of the net here) about crushes, one night stands, wash, rinse, repeat. Never do I recall a time when a man has overtly said kind things to me, sweet things, or even romantic things. Never can I recall on a time when I've been told repeatedly, "You're so beautiful," or "you're so smart, it's so attractive," or "because of my situation, I'm afraid you're going to be swooped up, and taken off the market."
I've met a new man; a man I am so excited to get to know that words can barely describe....but then reality sets in and I remind myself that he is currently married. What man would truly be able to say such kind things to me while legally committed to another woman? Who am I to think he wouldn't wind up doing the same thing to me? Who am I to fathom he would do the same thing to me and not give him a chance? It's times like this I wish I could predict the future.
Here I sit, and I can't stop thinking about him. His smile, his touch, his adorable facial expressions. I can't stop thinking about how natural I feel with him; how I can be (and have been) myself with little to no inhibitions. Here I sit, when all of the sudden the gray-cloud of his (current) marriage rolls over my head as if it were the most devilish wall-cloud I've ever bore witness to.
I've shared this new-found relationship with a couple of friends. I'm apprehensive to share with more because they won't understand. Traditionally and stereotypically speaking, "once a cheater always a cheater" is what they'll tell me. Half of me is selfish in pursuing this because I've never felt this, and dammit I want it to be my turn. The other half of me is repeating "you've got to be kidding yourself, this will never work, he will never leave his wife." The entire relationship is all of two weeks old, and already I am blown away by the depth of our connection. Since I've been able to be myself, I've been honest with him in saying I will not be a secret friend, and have told him he needs to be honest with me and with his wife. I've fought off numerous advances from him, but sadly admit the line was crossed once and we've shared our first kiss. His hugs are soothing, comforting, and even romantic.
Although I can open up here, I am honestly holding back with him. I want to tell him complimentary things as they happen. I want to tell him how amazing he has made me feel. I want to tell him how much I like how I feel when I speak with him, and when we get to see each other. I want to tell him these things, but I hold back because I'm stubborn and refuse to start something with a married man. Sure, one can argue I've already started it...but I'm holding back because it's the best I can do in the current situation.
At times I feel like he's reading my mind, randomly telling me it's ok if I text him anytime, but phone calls would be tough. He says he is going to step up, be a man, and explain to his wife that yes they're going to go through with a divorce. He says time will tell if he's really being honest, because if no progress is being made then I should, in essence, move on. He's asked me if I believe in destiny, (and had he not asked me in person I probably would have rolled my eyes and laughed at him) the look in his eyes were sincere, genuine, and coming from a good (possibly even great) place.
Two weeks. The course of all of these emotions have submerged me within two weeks.
When I've dabbled in online dating (or dating of ANY kind) in the past, little if ANYTHING has come from it. I've written (in my little corner of the net here) about crushes, one night stands, wash, rinse, repeat. Never do I recall a time when a man has overtly said kind things to me, sweet things, or even romantic things. Never can I recall on a time when I've been told repeatedly, "You're so beautiful," or "you're so smart, it's so attractive," or "because of my situation, I'm afraid you're going to be swooped up, and taken off the market."
I've met a new man; a man I am so excited to get to know that words can barely describe....but then reality sets in and I remind myself that he is currently married. What man would truly be able to say such kind things to me while legally committed to another woman? Who am I to think he wouldn't wind up doing the same thing to me? Who am I to fathom he would do the same thing to me and not give him a chance? It's times like this I wish I could predict the future.
Here I sit, and I can't stop thinking about him. His smile, his touch, his adorable facial expressions. I can't stop thinking about how natural I feel with him; how I can be (and have been) myself with little to no inhibitions. Here I sit, when all of the sudden the gray-cloud of his (current) marriage rolls over my head as if it were the most devilish wall-cloud I've ever bore witness to.
I've shared this new-found relationship with a couple of friends. I'm apprehensive to share with more because they won't understand. Traditionally and stereotypically speaking, "once a cheater always a cheater" is what they'll tell me. Half of me is selfish in pursuing this because I've never felt this, and dammit I want it to be my turn. The other half of me is repeating "you've got to be kidding yourself, this will never work, he will never leave his wife." The entire relationship is all of two weeks old, and already I am blown away by the depth of our connection. Since I've been able to be myself, I've been honest with him in saying I will not be a secret friend, and have told him he needs to be honest with me and with his wife. I've fought off numerous advances from him, but sadly admit the line was crossed once and we've shared our first kiss. His hugs are soothing, comforting, and even romantic.
Although I can open up here, I am honestly holding back with him. I want to tell him complimentary things as they happen. I want to tell him how amazing he has made me feel. I want to tell him how much I like how I feel when I speak with him, and when we get to see each other. I want to tell him these things, but I hold back because I'm stubborn and refuse to start something with a married man. Sure, one can argue I've already started it...but I'm holding back because it's the best I can do in the current situation.
At times I feel like he's reading my mind, randomly telling me it's ok if I text him anytime, but phone calls would be tough. He says he is going to step up, be a man, and explain to his wife that yes they're going to go through with a divorce. He says time will tell if he's really being honest, because if no progress is being made then I should, in essence, move on. He's asked me if I believe in destiny, (and had he not asked me in person I probably would have rolled my eyes and laughed at him) the look in his eyes were sincere, genuine, and coming from a good (possibly even great) place.
Two weeks. The course of all of these emotions have submerged me within two weeks.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Introducing The Britt
The adage "when it rains, it pours" couldn't be more true for my current non-romantic romantic life. It seems as most of my time the past eight+ years I've spent the majority of nights solo (as in, not sharing my evenings or mornings with a man). I've kept busy, as one would expect a solo parent to be, raising a little boy...but it hasn't been often that I've received constant attention from men. Yes, I'll admit I've had my fair share of crushes, but they seem to only last a week (or a night, depending on who we're talking about...but lets be real, most were JUST THAT...one night).
Mid-July, while in the middle of being no-joke-broke, I checked my bank account to verify the amount of pennies I'd have available for me to go grocery shopping with; to my surprise, my account had a negative balance. During the school year, I barely scrape by from paycheck to paycheck. I have just enough money to cover my regular bills (read: mortgage, utilities, car insurance, credit cards, school lunches, groceries), with typically not a penny to spare. Enter summer time when baby boy is out of school, and I have to pay for child care....things get tighter than tight as far as money is concerned. I suppose life would be less difficult (financially speaking), if baby boy's father was in my life to help bring financial balance when childcare costs jump sky-high (but truthfully there isn't an amount of money in the world that would tempt me to subject baby boy to the drug induced life his father was living, I digress). The charge that hit my account in mid-July was my match.com subscription renewal (a mere $71...enough to waste my last remaining dollars until my next paycheck).
After the palm of my hand swiftly met my forehead in disbelief I had forgotten about my match.com subscription, my knee-jerk reaction was to immediately cancel my membership. I cancelled in hopes of receiving, at the bare minimum, $69.00 back to allow me a few dollars at the grocery store. I hopped online, and cancelled only to be met with a kind message from match.com:
We had recent professional photos taken, so I was able to add some more recent shots of myself. I also refreshed my story to be, what I thought and still think, a bit cynical. It now read:
Within days of posting my fresh pictures and summary, I had activity in the form of winks and emails. I was quite tickled by the thought of men becoming intrigued by me. Knowing what I know about online dating, I knew the attention was mostly going to stay electronic...so I embraced what was coming my way, and let it entertain me while it was happening.
The first week of August, just a couple of weeks after renewing my membership, I came across a man in his late 30's. I did what I normally do when browsing photos; I checked out his bio.
Mid-July, while in the middle of being no-joke-broke, I checked my bank account to verify the amount of pennies I'd have available for me to go grocery shopping with; to my surprise, my account had a negative balance. During the school year, I barely scrape by from paycheck to paycheck. I have just enough money to cover my regular bills (read: mortgage, utilities, car insurance, credit cards, school lunches, groceries), with typically not a penny to spare. Enter summer time when baby boy is out of school, and I have to pay for child care....things get tighter than tight as far as money is concerned. I suppose life would be less difficult (financially speaking), if baby boy's father was in my life to help bring financial balance when childcare costs jump sky-high (but truthfully there isn't an amount of money in the world that would tempt me to subject baby boy to the drug induced life his father was living, I digress). The charge that hit my account in mid-July was my match.com subscription renewal (a mere $71...enough to waste my last remaining dollars until my next paycheck).
After the palm of my hand swiftly met my forehead in disbelief I had forgotten about my match.com subscription, my knee-jerk reaction was to immediately cancel my membership. I cancelled in hopes of receiving, at the bare minimum, $69.00 back to allow me a few dollars at the grocery store. I hopped online, and cancelled only to be met with a kind message from match.com:
"We're sorry to hear you no longer want to be a member. Please enjoy our services through the time you've paid for. As of October, your subscription will end."Eff. That was not the response I was looking for. My brain wanted to hop on the phone with member services and fight for my money back...but seeing as I had been single, without a date in what felt like years (when, in actuality, it really HAS been years), my heart stopped me. I don't often do things for myself, and by allowing my membership to stay active for a few more months, I had renewed my interest in the online dating site. I knew I'd figure out a way to feed myself and baby boy, so I left things as they were, and promptly reexamined my online profile.
We had recent professional photos taken, so I was able to add some more recent shots of myself. I also refreshed my story to be, what I thought and still think, a bit cynical. It now read:
I have no idea why I'm actually on this site. I've been single for a while; stating my reasons/justifications for being single stemming from my insane schedule (therefore not having "time" to date). The reality is this; yes, I'm very busy. I'm a solo parent (because that's what makes life the most stable for my son), I work full time, I'm studying to earn my undergrad (full time), and have a house and dog. The other part of my reality is I haven't dedicated much time to focus on me; in part because if I focus on everyone around me I don't have to pay attention to the scale. What more can I say?
Here are a few of my recent interests:
~I LOVE spending time out in my gardens; I've put in almost a dozen gardens since buying my house a year and a half ago. It's my current method of establishing peace in my life.
~My dog, rescued the week before Christmas, is a wonderful, slightly neurotic, addition to my family. Every day he makes me laugh for one reason or another.
~I recently purchased a chicken coop and plan to not only grow my own vegetables, but also eat fresh eggs from the back yard. Some people call me crazy for traveling down this path, but I'd rather be known as a chicken lady than a cat lady (no offense to cat owners out there).
~I love bbq-ing in the summer, and making feasts in the winter. I recently made a completely-from-scratch chocolate cake that (surprisingly) turned out to be quite delicious!
~I typically go camping at least once per summer; while I haven't made it out for a weekend yet, worst case scenario I'll put the tent up in the backyard and my son and I will have our own little camp-out.
If anything I've written about sounds even the slightest interesting to you, feel free to shoot me a message and say hello. The beauty (and in some ways, the craziness) of the internet is you can say hello fairly easy!
Take care.
Within days of posting my fresh pictures and summary, I had activity in the form of winks and emails. I was quite tickled by the thought of men becoming intrigued by me. Knowing what I know about online dating, I knew the attention was mostly going to stay electronic...so I embraced what was coming my way, and let it entertain me while it was happening.
The first week of August, just a couple of weeks after renewing my membership, I came across a man in his late 30's. I did what I normally do when browsing photos; I checked out his bio.
- He was tall, 6'3 (which I find to be quite hot), and his one line intro read: "I seek to be content and Happy in love." (simple, refreshing and honest)
- He was from the UK (England, not the Ukraine, as he kindly reminded me the first night we met...but to let you in on a little secret, I never for a minute thought it was the Ukraine) and had spent time studying at University of London. (a man with brains...major bonus)
- He was educated (another trait I find extremely attractive), and had both a job and a car (which some might find to be trivial, but I find to be important because it states responsibility, another trait I find extremely attractive in a man).
- He enjoyed volunteering, and charity. (be still my heart)
Monday, October 17, 2011
Insider Secret.
Well folks, there's nothing like running into your crush as you're walking into the dermatology clinic, running into the love of your life's FIANCE while you're on a sporadic daytrip, or reading that Alaska is seriously contemplating moving back to MN on facebook to kick your week off to an amazing start.
Truth: My love life is still non-existent. I'm keeping extremely busy. So busy, in fact, that I become tired just thinking about it. I'm continuing to focus on myself, going to the gym 3, 4 and sometimes even 5 times a week (although you wouldn't guess it by looking at the scale, I digress). I've made appointments with a dermatologist to get my annoying acne (that only a 14 year old should have to endure) under control.
I'm trying to put me first. A rarity in the life of a full-time working, single mom.
I still find ways to have fun (read: sporadic day trip with a great friend), but I am still fighting my strong urge to want more.
For now, my only suggestion to you would be to invest in Duracell. I don't foresee my future without the copper-tops....at least not anytime soon.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hello Euphoria.
Once a month a sense of euphoria overtakes me. I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything. My confidence level is high, and my attitude is nauseatingly optimistic. This euphoria comes the week AFTER my period, and lasts for about a week, until the PMS monster creeps into my soul....and I realize my euphoria was a facade.
Today, I'm euphoric...but today feels different than other times. I think I feel different today because I finally feel like I'm in control of my life. I finally feel happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. Maybe my depression was seasonal..but looking back at the last five years, I feel like I've been living my life under a dark cloud. Some days I managed to smile, and others I even managed to laugh...but there's rarely a night in the past five years that I've gone to sleep happy and content with my core self.
Sure, I love baby boy. Sure, his love has given me a temporary sense of euphoria (at times)....but being a single mom was NEVER in my life plans, so many nights my false euphoria was clouded by disappointment that I allowed myself to be in a single-fulltime working mom situation.
For the past three months I've taken my life into MY hands. I started out the year by treating myself to a spa day, and haven't stopped being a self advocate since. I even started seeing a counselor to help me sort out internal issues that I feel have contributed to my dark cloud. And now, the cloud I've felt suffocated by has been breaking up...and darnit it feels amazing.
I can look in the mirror and smile. I can take a shower without feeling disgusted about my body (no lie, I've hated taking showers because I've hated getting naked...rest assured, I still bathed..tmi? probably. I digress). I don't feel like a failure anymore because I'm not married. Who knows if I'll ever even WANT to get married. I'm happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing.
Period. The end.
...actually, it's not the end...it's just the beginning.
Today, I'm euphoric...but today feels different than other times. I think I feel different today because I finally feel like I'm in control of my life. I finally feel happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. Maybe my depression was seasonal..but looking back at the last five years, I feel like I've been living my life under a dark cloud. Some days I managed to smile, and others I even managed to laugh...but there's rarely a night in the past five years that I've gone to sleep happy and content with my core self.
Sure, I love baby boy. Sure, his love has given me a temporary sense of euphoria (at times)....but being a single mom was NEVER in my life plans, so many nights my false euphoria was clouded by disappointment that I allowed myself to be in a single-fulltime working mom situation.
For the past three months I've taken my life into MY hands. I started out the year by treating myself to a spa day, and haven't stopped being a self advocate since. I even started seeing a counselor to help me sort out internal issues that I feel have contributed to my dark cloud. And now, the cloud I've felt suffocated by has been breaking up...and darnit it feels amazing.
I can look in the mirror and smile. I can take a shower without feeling disgusted about my body (no lie, I've hated taking showers because I've hated getting naked...rest assured, I still bathed..tmi? probably. I digress). I don't feel like a failure anymore because I'm not married. Who knows if I'll ever even WANT to get married. I'm happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing.
Period. The end.
...actually, it's not the end...it's just the beginning.
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