Some details.

On the wedding night the alcohol was freely flowing. The mood was overcome with happiness and joy, it was ALMOST surreal. A few shots here, a few more shots there, mixed with some vodka tonics and I was feeling really good.

After realizing Alaska was single, I was more forthcoming in exchanging glances with him. Have I mentioned his eyes gave me the butterflies?!

As the night progressed, he became more comfortable on the dance floor. Before I knew it, we were dancing together....a lot.

The band was very upbeat. They did covers of fun bands from the 80's and 90's...even doing an awesome Santeria cover by Sublime.

The night literally was a whirlwind. I'm convinced mixing large quantities of alcohol with crazy dance moves generated enough heat to push me past my normal intoxication threshold (not to mention my insane intoxication for Alaska, I digress).

I really hope I get a chance to speak with him, because some moments from the night are a bit hazy...like the moment we decided to go back to his hotel room. I have no idea how or who brought that up (it could've been him, but it could've been me...yeah, I've got a bit of a naughty side...).

At the time we disappeared up to his room, I wasn't aware that he was sharing the king-sized bed room with a former hockey teammate....until the door opened when we were smack dab in the middle of a fairly intense make-out session.

Since we were interrupted (and, as far as I was concerned, not finished making out) we did what any heavily intoxicated would do! We locked ourselves in the bathroom. Little did we realize (or care) that the hockey dude and the two girls he brought up to the room to hang out with him were wasted, and would need to pee about every five minutes. We were too focused on each other to notice...and it was awesome.

Unbenounced to us, the three clowns locked out of the bathroom were being very loud and obnoxious. Security was called, and came-a-knockin. The bathroom door was unlocked, and we (the five of us) ended up in the downstairs empty banquet room, where we could be as loud as we wanted to be. It was nice of the hotel to give us a space to be loud, considering the alternative would've been to kick us out altogether.

As we were sitting around, playing poker with naked-man-cards, the two girls who were hanging out became quite offensive, saying horribly rude comments about "ginger's" (apparently that's some sort of slang for a red head...I hadn't heard it before that night, but it didn't take me long to realize that it was mean...and I had the feeling it was directed towards me...), and then made some off the wall comments about politics. I knew I had to get myself out of there, because the last thing I wanted (or needed) was a verbal fist-fight with two incompetent drunks. I put my arms around Alaska, and told him we should go back to the room. He said "in a minute," so I continued to rub his back, holding onto my last bit of patience.

We ended up in his room. I ended up falling for him.

I know, I know....why the eff would I fall for a guy who:

1. lives in the US, but is literally a COUNTRY away from me
2. is basically a drunk hook-up

...Your guess is as good as mine.

All I can tell you for certain is I haven't stopped brainstorming for a way to see or talk with him again.

p.s. whilst laying in the king sized bed together, his former hockey teammate waltzed in, stripped to his boxers, and hopped into bed next to us...UNDER THE COVERS. Yeah...I guess that's how Hockey boys roll...and that's also the main reason why I was unable to exchange numbers with him. Hmph.

p.p.s. is Unbenounced even a word?!

Danger

Introducing Danger (or D).

Whenever we converse, I feel an immense amount of physical sexual tension. I haven't quite been able to pinpoint where it comes from, but it's there. Maybe it's because D is so mystic. It could be the constant 5pm shadow, D's musical talents, or the fact that I know he's a bad boy and the only need he would fulfill would be solely physical (I know this, because I've had lengthy discussions with him, I digress).

He abuses drugs and alcohol (like I said, he's a bad boy, although I've been down that road and refuse to go back).
He's a non conformist. It makes me laugh.
I can tell D's heart wants to give, but I know he will refuse it the liberty to do so.
Although this man lives far, far away and we've never met in person, I know he's dangerous for me. I get excited and fearful for what would happen should we ever actually meet.

There's something about him that electrifies my innards. I am beginning to realize I want him because I know I cannot have him.

A Crush.

Sisters before Misters. Doe's before Bro's.

This past month has been the month of crazy, out of the blue break-ups for my friends. I don't know if there's something in the drinking water or what, but I've known 5 people who have gone through some sort of major dating dilemma/breakup.

Ya wanna know what's weird? I kind of have thing for a few of the ex's.

I feel really guilty about these feelings. So much so that I will never act on my crush(s), nor do I feel like I can explain it.

Is it normal to have a crush on your friends ex? An ex that has been dating your friend for years, or an ex that has only been dating your friend for a few month...does it matter? I feel really dirty for having these feelings. I don't know where they've come from, other than the fact that I'm single, horny, longing for male-attention, etc. I have had respect for these men, and I know for certain at least one of the "relationships" ended amiably....BUT STILL! Argh.

Strings

I'm a walking, talking double standard. I want to have sex...but I won't allow myself to have sex.

My Friday night turned out to be a lot of fun. I was nervous there was going to be a lot of awkwardness, but my apprehensions quickly melted the second he arrived to pick me up. We headed out to a bar, fairly close to my house...ordered a drink, and started talking. His eyes were electrifying....I'm pretty sure that if a guy smells good, is taller than me, and has amazing eyes I would do him, I digress.

The conversation evolved around sports and silly stories from the past. Then it took a swift turn. He started telling me about a girl he was hung up on...a girl who wasn't into him the same way he was into her. My heart sank. It just wasn't appropriate conversation to have considering we were kinda sorta on a date. I brushed it off, but the thought of his hang up remained fresh in the back of my mind.

Our bar extravaganza only lasted a few hours, and included rum and cokes, patron, and a car bomb. I was ready to go balls to the wall...but he suggested we head back to my place for driving reasons. I agreed, and we were home before 11.

I'd like to pat myself on the back here...because I totally made the first move. When we got out of his car, before heading inside, I told him I wanted to tell him something...and then I kissed him. I had been wanting to kiss him since the second I saw him, and it was worth the wait.

We went inside, thanked and sent my friends on their way (who had spent the evening with baby boy)..and we were alone. Some pretty intense making out followed, and then he nonchallantly suggested we move it to the bedroom..I wouldn't allow it for a couple of reasons. As much as I wanted to have wild and crazy sex, I hadn't shaved my legs in over two months, and the thought of his hang-up was still fresh in my mind.

I don't want a one night stand...I've had half a dozen one night stands. I can't emotionally handle them at this point in my life, nor do I think it's appropriate to live my life hopping from one night stand to one night stand for the sake of baby boy. I want more, and I feel like I deserve more.

Here's my little dilemma. I WANT MAN-TENTION! I REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX! GRRRRR. Why does life have to CONSTANTLY throw emotional curve balls at me?!

I just don't know what to do. I'm proud of myself for holding my ground, but I almost regret it.

Yes, I want a boyfriend...and I think the thing that hurts the most is I keep finding these guys who only want sex, no strings attached...and that's not me. I have and will always have strings.

WARNING!

I think I need a Friend with Benefit. The only reason why I am declaring this is because I seem to get hung up on guys that I am dating.

Why do I do this? I haven't a clue.


I really need to take about twenty steps back with TB. I'll be honest...I'm quite sure that I'm scaring him away. I am a woman who functions on communication, and he is a bit broken from his last relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to compromise who I am for a guy...but I am trying to grasp onto a bit of patience which seems to disappear the second I am not getting what I want, when I want it.

I think my lack of "constantly getting what I want" is the main thing that deters me from dating. Right now, mama wants "man-tention." Right now, mama's not gettin "man-tention." So...like I said...I think I need a Friend with Benefit, ASAP! (Unless someone else has another, less slutty suggestion!! ANYBODY?)