My Idiosyncrasies

I've moved on from him (Tall boy)...mostly.

I am still bitter and pretty annoyed at the thought of him, and the emotional trap I allowed myself to fall into...but it's over. Done. Finito. No sense focusing my time and energy on a person whose choices don't include me, right? Right.

Out of pure silliness, I posted a profile on a laughable dating website. Don't get me wrong, there are great people on the site...it's more like the TJ Maxx of the dating world...you have to weed through a LOT of crap to find a decent guy.

If you're unfamiliar with the site, they've added a feature where their computer sends you three matches that they feel are credible. You have the option to message your match, or to reject him..yadda yadda yadda.

Where am I going with this?

Last night, they effing sent me Tall Boy as a match.

Awesome.

I haven't looked at his profile (as tempted as I am to do so).

I haven't rejected his profile. It's sitting in my account.

Seriously.

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And on an awesome, unrelated note...I totally pulled my groin muscle last night* (or as I like to refer to, my inner-thigh muscle...since that sounds less like I have a man-unit than groin).

Anyone have a magical cure for a strained inner-thigh muscle...because OUCH.

*I wish I could say the injury took place in the bedroom....but it didn't. Just my luck, right?! (or lack there of...hmph)

A Few Lists

Feeling rejected can DEFINITELY put a damper on a person's psyche...and I am no exception to the rules.

I kept faking it to myself that I wasn't hurt by Tall Boy...but I was.

Sure, there are positives that have come out of the Tall Boy saga:

• First hot make out session in a long time
• Fun watching a movie laying in someone's arms
• I felt mildly attractive for the first time in 2010
• I put myself out there
• I stayed true to my morals

But here are the haunting negatives (dammit why is there always a "but"?!):

• The awkward goodbye made me feel cheap
• I went out on a limb and sent him an email a week ago...he never responded.
• What the hell do I have to do to get a man that I'm interested in RECIPROCATE HIS FEELINGS?!
• I feel defeated in dating because I rarely get opportunities to meet men

So, since list making mode is my forte today, here's how I'm going to turn the negatives around (I know y'all are DYING TO KNOW as you secretly roll your eyes)

1. Awkward goodbye or not, I made out with a hottie and I loved it.
2. It's his loss if he doesn't respond to my email. I rock. Period, the end.
3. The right man will be the man who reciprocates feelings.
4. I will make opportunities and soak up life to the best of my ability.

In a nutshell, no more eeyore attitude for this chick. Life is too damn short to spend it sulking.

hmph

I stand naked in front of my bathroom mirror with a robe loosely draped over my shoulders. I keep having vivid flashbacks of the time we spent touching and holding each other. As I stare at my naked body I think, would he be settling with me? My back begins to itch...damn its tough being single when you need lotion slathered onto your back.

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1:15pm. I sit holding my phone mentally debating if I should call him. I've had a sitter fall into my lap for tomorrow night and want to see him...but my inner self screams NO IT'S TOO SOON! LET HIM CALL YOU....but since when do I listen to myself?

I hit "send" and my heart immediately begins racing.

Ring, ring, ring, ring aaaaaaand to voicemail I went.

I was hoping he would answer but expecting his voicemail. Either way I had a plan for what I was going to say to prevent my normal brainfarts from overcoming me like they do far too often.

"Hi, I know this is slightly bold and brazin, but a friend of mine wanted to watch baby boy tomorrow night so I was thinking we could hang out. If we don't hang out I'll most likely wind up reading a book at a coffee shop, so if you could call me back to let me know that would be great. Hope you're having a good weekend"

Click.

I haven't heard back from him, and, again I'm hoping for the best but expecting absolutely nothing. The best gift I can offer him is a choice.

***************************

As I was laying in bed tonight, I heard a quote on the radio "the first time you are a victim and the second time you are a volunteer." So sue me. I AM a volunteer with him... but I refuse to be a fool, I deserve more than that.

Confuscious Says...?

Everytime I forget about him, he pops back into my life (read: only a few times, no need to be SUPER melodramatic). Friday was no different. I was relaxed after spending a week up north with baby boy. My steps felt light, my breaths felt calm. Nothing was going to ruffle my feathers, not traffic, the fact that my vacation was soon to be ending, nothing.
(insert text message alert here)
"Sorry I just read your text message from Monday. Whatcha up to tonight?"
My jaw dropped, and butterflies started taking flight inside me. I had counted him out and boom, he messages.
My night was open, and plans were made.
He showed up wearing torn jeans and a rock shirt. The moment I saw him I wanted to jump him, but I held back. Back To The Future was put in the dvd player, and well before the movie ended, I was in his arms. Electricity was flying, and the chemistry between us was thick and steamy. I can't tell you the exact moment our lips first touched, but I can tell you I was floating (and simultaneously telling myself IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!). To spare feelings in lieu of him actually finding my little corner of the internet, I will tell you it got hot and heavy...and to feel even MORE juvenile I'll let it be noted that we safely made it to second base. (insert the but) As hot and heavy as we got, I held back.

I feel guarded with him. Let's review the history:

• We date a couple of years ago only to have it end kissless with an instant message.
• We reconnect five months ago only to see each other for the first time three weeks ago.

My head is damning me. How hilarious is it that things with this man went from "is he even into me" to "does he only want to have sex with me?"

Is he going to shoot me a message saying he doesn't want to date?
Am I setting myself up for failure
I can't get this man, his touch, his taste and his smells, out of my head.
What do I do?

Sure, the right answer (the seemingly easy answer) would be to let it play out...wait and see how this cookie crumbles.....but the easy answer seems to be my biggest challenge.

I guess I'll force myself to do what I think will be best for me...breath in, breath out, and repeat.

P.S. I haven't been kissed, touched or held like that....ever.

Reminding Myself

He turns to me, his hands holding the back of my head. He loves me. I love him. Our toes buried in sand, the waves crashing in the background.

I dream this scenario on a regular basis.

I'm amazed at how powerful people can be. Sure, "you choose your own attitude"...I only agree with that about 50% of the time. People have the amazing ability to suede those around them. Both positive and negative attitudes are as contagious as strep throat.

Men have an amazingly strong effect on me. They have an uncanny ability to bring out the best and worst in me in one breath. I hate it and I love it at the same time.

Some might think (read: me) that I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket with TB. However, I'm not. I'm putting one egg in my basket at the time, and right now, that one egg just so happens to be him (ha, that sounds kind of dirty...go me).

There's still a communication discord. Yeah, I could just be acting paranoid...but my gut instinct is sharp, and it rarely lies. If only I weren't so "in-like" with this man. Christ, the "if only's" could go on for days if I let it....

I'm ready.
I'm ready for love.
I'm ready to laugh.
I'm ready to be held.
I'm ready to share my soul.
I'm ready.

As with all things (shopping, particularly) whenever I'm ready for something it's never around. So, I'll stay ready, but I'm done allowing myself to care if and when I meet Mr. Right. I'm reminding myself to focus on how amazing my life actually is....the simple things can be grand (and I know my simple things are taken for granted more often than not).

I have a little boy in my life who constantly asks me if I want to play Hippo Hippo Hungry (the old school game hungry hungry hippos...I like his way of saying it though). He's healthy. He makes me laugh and tests my patience everyday... I'm lucky, and if I were a spiritual girl, I'd say I'm blessed to the heavens.

A Fresh Start of the Past

Saturday night started out like most others...except this time, I was determined to make it different. Around 7pm, I shot him a text "Wanna come over and watch a movie later"?

He didn't respond.

I wasn't too upset, after all, I had intended on watching a movie be it solo or with company. In a way, I had guarded my emotions, reminding myself that I had laundry to do, and since He wasn't coming over I didn't have to do a mad dash scramble to clean.

There I was, 9pm, reasoning with baby boy to go to sleep, folding a load of whites (with two loads in the washing machine and one in the dryer), with my movie queued up....when my phone began to blink.

"sounds good, what would you like to watch"

I just about wet myself.

I didn't completely panic. I told him about the movie I rented from Redbox (Sherlock Holmes), and then invited him to come over in an hour and a half. He accepted the invite, and at that very moment my own personal Bridget Jones' Diary montage began (sans the music).

• Bathroom - Cleaned from top to bottom
• Living Room - Decluttered, toys picked up, laundry put in baskets and strategically hidden in my room
• Kitchen - Dishes put away, dishwasher reloaded, counter top kitchen table and stove top wiped down
• Me - Unshowered, sweaty mess from my mad dash to pick up my place....

I didn't look like a troll...completely. I had been wearing a cute tank dress because it was comfortable and a dress is always a good way to beat the heat.

BLINK BLINK...my phone was alerting me he had messaged, and he was at my door.

When I saw him butterflies began. It had been two years and countless recent messages since our last encounter. He looked great. He had the sexy man smell that my senses have missed out on.

We sat down to watch the movie and couldn't help but talk throughout the first half. It felt different than the last time we had seen each other. Comfortable. Right.

Half way through the movie, it happened. We slowly drifted towards one another, and before I knew it I was laying in his arms. His strong, sexy arms.... we were melting into each other...it was about damn time.

The movie ended, and after a brief walk outside we wound up playing mario on my wii for an hour and a half. It was fun...but inevitably the night had to end.

I'm so happy we saw each other...but I'm still waiting for that damn first kiss. I've waited two years..what's another (possible) couple of weeks? The past few days, I've reminded myself that what will be, will be.

I'm in like.

Him.

His touch.
His words.
His presence.

Him.

When you go so long without the touch of the opposite sex...you forget how electric it can feel.

I recently shared an evening with someone...details to follow within the next day or so...

Fool Me Once

Remember how I said Tall Boy was back in my life? Well, he is, was, er....crap. I just don't know. I KIND OF feel like I've been electronically emotionally duped.


See, we've been chatting online...a lot. Exchanged a few weekend texts. I've enjoyed our electronic dialogue...but SERIOUSLY, I can only handle so much "chatting" before I'm driven to insanity. So, I suggested we meet for lunch...he agreed, and the "lunch date" was set for Tuesday.


Tuesday at 10:15am, my phone alerts me to a new text message. Sure as dog poo, it was TB, texting to tell me he was "called into a last minute meeting, and wouldn't be able to do lunch, but wanted to reschedule for tomorrow." Fine. Whatever. I suppose I could make that work...so I rescheduled for Wednesday.


Wednesday at 10am, again, my phone has a new text from TB. "I stayed home from work today, so I guess we'll have to reschedule.. :-("


I was annoyed. Really annoyed.

Enter the part when I don't want to be Miss Nice Pants....All I wanted to do was tell him off. He had gone to the Twins game last night. Ya know, the game against the Yankees where it started torrentially down pouring...in the new OUTDOOR stadium. His tickets were in the third row behind the yankees dugout. I didn't feel bad for him that he was sick. Not an ounce of sympathy from this chick.


So, which text did I send?

1. "I suppose having good tix to the twins in the down pouring rain would leave me sick too. I'll reschedule if you're buying"


2. "feel better"

I'm a sucker. I sent #2.

I have the HARDEST time being rude....well...unless I'm dating you, then WHOA BOY I can be a snarky mcscnarkerson....And I wonder why I'm single! Srsly.

Shame on me for being fooled twice.

He's back...

Tall Boy.


I had to look back in email and blog history to figure out exactly how long it had been...but one thing I hadn't forgotten about him was his liking for America's favorite past time, baseball.


See, looking back in my blog history, I realize I never fully explained what happened with him (and if I did explain, I can't remember). In a nutshell, we had been on about five dates...we never kissed. One time, asking him how things were going, I was met with a "I have fun hanging out with you" response...only to be followed up a couple of weeks later with an instant message on my computer that said he didn't want to date anymore...Yup, my internet version of the Sex in the City episode where Carrie is broken up on a post-it.

I was initially shocked, and very frustrated...I BELIEVE I responded with a courteous "alright"..but I can't be too sure.

Fast forward to earlier this year:

The first vacation I had been on since having baby boy was to Florida for spring training. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

The opening of a new MLB stadium in my city occurred in April. Ironically enough, even though it had been a couple of years since we had spoken, I thought of him.

Fast forward to a week and a half ago:

I'm the first person to admit I'm NOT technologically savvy. I was putzing around on an old email address of mine and BOOM, I discovered they had added a chat feature, AND I figured out how to activate it...all.by.myself (insert high five to self here).

...and what do ya know, Tall Boy was online.

(disclaimer: at one point, we used to be friends on facebook...but when I feel like I no longer want or need a person to see my personal happenings of facebook, I'll be the first to unfriend them...oh snap).

It started with a friendly message from me, about baseball, of course. We went on to do the generic "catching up" and have shared a few friendly chats here and there since.

Yesterday, he sent me a message that had to do with a comment on a different blog I write. He wanted to explain his perspective on dating a single parent. I was flattered he still kept up on my blog, but between you and me, I was equally sad that we had stopped dating and/or talking for the last couple of years. Besides dating back when he was fresh out of a divorce, he was open in expressing that he didn't know what he wanted or if he even wanted to date....and my heart slightly sank when, last week, he told me he still didn't know if he wanted to date....

I am a firm believer in timing. Is he the one for me? I haven't a clue. What I know is I still don't feel the two of us were given a fair chance (specifically by him...I digress). I also know that I'm still an awesome person, he'd be darn lucky to date me, and I'm still interested in him (but too afraid to admit it).

(insert deep sigh here).

Bullets.

A couple of things that happened this weekend:

• A girl I've known for 15 years announced her engagement! I am off the walls excited for her, but at the same time I'm a bit freaked out. Another one of my friends leaving the realms of the dating world, and entering the society of the married people. I am also trying to hold onto my excitement, even though I can't help but wonder if I'll be included in the bridesmaid duties. I hate to sound selfish, but she is one of the people I always expected to ask me to be in her wedding....however, my track record with friends getting married leaves me only with an invite. Yes, some of you think "consider yourself lucky" but the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I think I've earned my bridesmaid stripe, and I'm just saying that I'd be disappointed if I wasn't selected. I'm stepping off of my soapbox now..hehe
• I setup two friends! The girl I had known from elementary school. Funny thing is, back in the day we did NOT get along. We recently reconnected through a mutual friend, and she's a great person. The guy I've been on a softball team with for about five years. He's a great guy, so I figured they'd make a great match! They hit it off rather well...I hope karma will come around ten fold on this one! It's not everyday that a single girl willingly gives up a great single guy to a girlfriend :)
• I went on another date with TB. I went to his house. He had bought steak to grill, and I brought over the makings for cheesy potatoes. It was delicious, low key, and I seriously wanted to jump him a couple of times, (but resisted). After dinner we went outside and had a bonfire. I proceeded to spill both of our drinks because I'm just that smooth. The night air was crisp, the conversation was light...until he told me a horrible story about his ex, and a dog they had owned together.* ANYWAYS! After the fire we watched the Goonies. It's a fun movie, and as the movie went on I found myself inching closer to cuddling. He had sat in the wrong spot again. Instead of making my way towards the cuddle "nook" I settled for resting my head on his shoulder. Butterflies were flipping in my stomach...it was lovely! The two of us had both fallen asleep before we knew it. After the movie was over, I felt it appropriate to call it a night since we both seemed exhausted. He said he'd walk me out to my car. In my head, I was thinking, "THIS IS IT! He's gonna try and make his move!" Instead of patiently waiting as we were saying goodbye, I made my own move. I lunged up to give him a kiss on the cheek....only he turned his head. Yeah, I ended up kissing him on the corner of his mouth? We parted rather swiftly, as he retreated back into his house, and I got into my car. I was very giddy, but couldn't escape a slight feeling of embarrassment. Still, the smile was glued onto my face the whole ride home. It was a great night.

Peeps, I'm really liking TB, and this is scaring my quite a bit. Am I setting myself up for a broken heart? I'm at a loss as to how I can make my next move. We've had a discussion via yahoo messenger revolving around how he goes back and forth about wanting to date again..and from the ONE story he's told me about his ex, I can see why. She did a number on him! How do I go about letting him know he's safe with what we have going on?

*In a nutshell, about a month or so after they had separated, she took their dog to the pound while he was out of town...then proceeded to drain their checking account so he couldn't buy his dog back. She told him that she didn't think he could take care of her....I say: What a wench!!

My decision...

I had been heavily weighing my options about what I should do about TB.

Call him? Meh, I don't really think talking on the phone is a "guy thing."

Email him? Meh, I'm so OVER emailing!!

And then, it happened....we were both signed onto instant messenger (enter bells going DING DING DING!)

Even via IM, I was nervous as ALL getup to ask him the typical girl questions "How do you think things are going? What are your thoughts?"...I swallowed my pride, typed away and clicked send. I very promptly received "I don't know. That's such a typical guy answer." (I wasn't sure about where this convo was going...but my heart was racing a million miles a minute.)

To skip straight to the good stuff, I found out he had been separated since March, and the divorce was final as of June. (YAY!) I also found out he feels like he's 16 again (which kind of had me going "huh?!") He told me he was indecisive around me, and couldn't figure out why....and TB also said he's "really had fun every time we've been out together."

Despite the fun times we've shared, he confessed that he goes back and forth about if he's ready to date or not. I've been spared the gory details of his divorce (which I KNOW is for the better, but the curious cat inside of me REALLY wants to know).

This whole situation is wreaking of "he's just not that into you." Call me crazy, but I firmly believe if a guy wants to be with you, he'll be with you (and vice versa).

Although he told me he wouldn't expect me to wait for him to make up his mind, I don't know if I'm ready to give up on a good guy yet. I'm still as available as I was before the two of us started hanging out....but I'm reserving a sliver of my heart in hopes he'll step out of his funk and that we can give this thing (whatever it may be) a go.

Time will certainly tell.

Tall Boy

I was going to save explaining TB (Tall Boy) for a rainy day...and what do ya know? It's raining.

Since I'm restricted to stay at home 99% of most nights, I took to the liberty to subscribe to an online dating site. I had tried multiple different sites, and felt most comfortable with the one that cost me the most money (go figure!!).

ANYWHO...

I was matched up with TB on September 5th (yup...I'm semi-anal with dates, we all wonder why I'm single!) We jumped through the "online communication hoops" set in place by this website, set a date to meet for lunch, enjoyed each other's company, and have hung out three times since then, blah blah blah.

Here's the catch: TB is divorced (which he had failed to mention in his online profile) and the only reason why I say this is because I'm not quite sure if the divorce is final, nor has the opportunity to talk about this presented itself. Thanks to good old Facebook, I discovered a picture of him WITH his wedding ring on that was dated May of 2008. I'm no rocket scientist, but I know it takes more than a couple of months to finalize a divorce.

Why hasn't the opportunity presented itself to discuss this, you ask? Because we've only been on three dates, and I try and refrain from talking about ex's, religion and politics until at LEAST the fifth date. Wouldn't ya know, we aren't really talking on the phone much...only sending back an email once or twice a week.

Another catch: We haven't had a first kiss. I TRIED making my move, but the guy is 6'6, and I'm standing tall at 5'8. I'd have to strategically position myself next to a ladder to reach his lips...seriously!

What's a girl to do? The "ifs ands and buts" have been running wild through my head.

• What if he's not completely divorced
• What if he's not into me and just wants to be friends
• Maybe he just moves slow
• Maybe he's still apprehensive about getting into a relationship
• He could be SUPER shy

The only thing I know for certain is he claims to not be bothered by the fact that I have a son (which was great news!).

Another little secret I'll let you in on.... I have been blogging for almost a year, and started this blog because I wanted to be able to write anonymously. Yup, you guessed it. Not only did most of my friends IRL read my blog, but TB happened to find it too. I'm just not ready to publicly plead for dating advice while the man I'm trying to date is reading my innermost thoughts.