Love in Timing

The sunrise was a mixture of pastels only nature would think to mesh together. The winter air, crisp, felt surprisingly light. Sure, I'd rather be on a tropical island, but today I was content as I staired at the sky and took in the sights of the sunrise while driving to work. The sunlight made me think of Alaska.
I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, and it's not a bad thing. I've had the sinking feeling the two of us have been reaching out to each other for completely different reasons. I want to explore what "could be." He wants material to jack off....I'm not one to supply such material, unless I am in a committed, trusting relationship, I digress.
This all reverts back to love being highly correlated with timing.
I was recently asked if I had faith that I would find him, my partner, my other half, my soulmate. I scoffed and stated, "I don't know if there's a man on this planet who could handle me and everything I come with...I lost my instruction manual a long time ago, and feel like I'm a bit much to handle." The truth is, I have faith, but the faith is continuously clouded by my past mistakes, my heavy history, and my current insecurities. I know I need to work on getting through/over these things before my faith in finding my other half fully blooms...and that's just fine by me.
I could sit and place the blame that THERE ISN'T ONE GOOD SINGLE DECENT MAN OUT THERE...but that's not true...what holds true is the good, single, decent man I am searching for hasn't been found when the time has been right.
So, today I sit at my desk. I'm happy I was able to take in such an amazing sunrise. I'm thankful I have a job. I am blessed to have my health, and my baby boy in my life. Today, I am happy.

Just my luck

I’m craving to stir things up in my life….romantically….physically…..emotionally…..
I have this craving once every four to six months. I yearn to shift my mundane lifestyle. I feel a strong urge throw myself into the dating pool, and see if I’ll miraculously find a way to float, (especially after all the times I’ve sunk in the past).
Ironically enough, I received three messages from a free dating website I had signed up for moons ago.
One message was an innocent “How are you?” from a 46 year old. My mind flashed back to advice from an aunt, telling me to find a 40-something year old guy…..
I responded with “I’m fine, how are you?”….Why I didn’t check his full profile out first is BEYOND ME!
Warning, this might sound judgy mcjuderson on my behalf, but really….The man’s opening essay described himself as being recently divorced, not looking for a monogamous relationship, but rather a POLY-relationship. Why in the hell did I respond BEFORE READING HIS PROFILE?!
My inbox flashed a new message….and, sure enough, it was from Him. “I’m surprised you responded because of my profile.”
Oh well, nothing gained, nothing lost. I politely told him I had failed to read his profile until AFTER I had originally responded. I wasn’t interested in a polyamorous lifestyle, but all the luck to him.
I don’t know much, but what I do know is there has to be someone somewhere who is right for me and my baby boy. I’m keeping the faith.

++++++++++++

On a semi-related note, I stumbled across this blog...and WOW she is an amazing writer! She basically has summed up what I also believe to be the definition of love, and is currently dabbling in her own online dating adventures...check her out, I promist it will be worth your time.

A Few Lists

Feeling rejected can DEFINITELY put a damper on a person's psyche...and I am no exception to the rules.

I kept faking it to myself that I wasn't hurt by Tall Boy...but I was.

Sure, there are positives that have come out of the Tall Boy saga:

• First hot make out session in a long time
• Fun watching a movie laying in someone's arms
• I felt mildly attractive for the first time in 2010
• I put myself out there
• I stayed true to my morals

But here are the haunting negatives (dammit why is there always a "but"?!):

• The awkward goodbye made me feel cheap
• I went out on a limb and sent him an email a week ago...he never responded.
• What the hell do I have to do to get a man that I'm interested in RECIPROCATE HIS FEELINGS?!
• I feel defeated in dating because I rarely get opportunities to meet men

So, since list making mode is my forte today, here's how I'm going to turn the negatives around (I know y'all are DYING TO KNOW as you secretly roll your eyes)

1. Awkward goodbye or not, I made out with a hottie and I loved it.
2. It's his loss if he doesn't respond to my email. I rock. Period, the end.
3. The right man will be the man who reciprocates feelings.
4. I will make opportunities and soak up life to the best of my ability.

In a nutshell, no more eeyore attitude for this chick. Life is too damn short to spend it sulking.

My God.

I was born and raised catholic. Religion was force-fed down my throat from the time I was a baby.

"DO NOT SIN OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"READ THE BIBLE OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"
"PRAY OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL"

Ok, not every sentence or spiritual directive said to me ended in go to hell, but that's the funny thing about Catholics...they have this uncanny way of ALWAYS making you feel like you will actually go to hell if you don't do this or don't believe that.

Enter my senior year of high school. I (OF COURSE) was confirmed. It was something I was more or less forced to do. The classes were fine, but my favorite part was having heated spiritual discussions so I guess I have my confirmation leader to thank for that.

Enter my early twenties. I rarely ever went to church. Then BOOM, I found myself 23 years old, pregnant and unmarried (GASP I AM GOING TO HELL). Of course my guilt lead me to tears many days, and when baby boy was four months old I attempted to go to church with my mother.

Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

Not only did I feel as if I didn't belong, I ugly cried the moment I got to the car after church was over. To me, being a spiritual person shouldn't have entailed making me feel that way. Ever.

Enter today. I have a new outlook on my life and the role religion (specifically spirituality) plays in it. I do not believe in the same ideas of Catholicism, or even Christianity (I can't wrap my head around how someone can worship a "so called man" who SUPPOSEDLY did all of these things. I can't wrap my head around a book that I whole heartily believe was made up hundreds of years ago to shut people up who were commoners and asking questions. I digress).

What do I believe?

I believe in Humanity. Show me a church or gathering that gets together to celebrate Humanity and I'm in.

People can do horrible things. I've witnessed many of these heinous acts firsthand...

People can also be absolutely amazing, unselfish, wonderful and uplifting. These amazing people are what I label as Humanity.

Humanity is my "God". Living by the Golden Rule* is my life (at least, living by the golden rule as best I can...).



*JUST in case you're unfamiliar, my Golden Rule is to treat others as if you would want to be treated. Period. The end.

Growing up...in a nutshell

In my lifetime, I’ve witnessed three close friendships fizzle before my eyes. The change had always been a tough pill for me to swallow, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve also grown wiser.

Recently, a close friendship fizzled into nothing, over virtually nothing. Hurtful things were thrown my way, followed up by childish immaturity's on behalf of the friend that no longer is. My feelings were hurt, and I maturely said everything I needed to say and then some. The difference between the three friendships I’d seen turn to dust was this…

Back in the day, it was a gradual process. For the most part, we stopped hanging out, and overtime grew apart. Bridges were never burned. We just so happened to grow in different directions.

The second friendship came to a crashing stop over a boy. Nasty letters were typed out and hand delivered. Extremely horrible phone calls were exchanged. I was just as guilty as the other. Many, many tears were shed (specifically on my behalf). Bridges were DEFINITELY burned.

Most recently, a friendship of mine dissolved over the internet. Everything felt disconnected and my jaw still drops when I think about it. A single IM her way resulted in (what I could only interpret as) a friendship-meltdown of epic proportions. I wrote a couple of email messages apologizing and attempting to explain the situation as I saw it. She responded with hurtful personal attacking comments that had absolutely nothing to do with what the original issue was about. And that was that. We are no longer speaking.

I’ve handled myself extremely well in the face of this friendship dissolving. I haven’t said or breathed an ill word about her, even in the face of dramatic comments I’ve heard from others (specifically about what she’s said to others about me and the rift our so called friendship was going through). I’ve taken the high road. I have nothing to regret. In fact, I feel extremely mature in my “old age.” I’ve looked at the friendship I’ve had with this person, and truly believe the friendship had and has run its course.

What will be, will be.

I’ll make new friends, dare I say, better friends. Better friends because I now know what to look for in people based on my past experiences. I’m sure she’ll do the same. I’m thankful I can sleep easy knowing I’ve treated those around me with respect and dignity, just as I had hoped others around me could do, although had failed with flying colors.

No, I don’t have a circle of 50 acquaintances. Sure, I only hold a few close friends….to me, life is about quality, and not quantity.

Me in a nutshell:

• I’m single.
• I have an amazing son.
• I work for a great company and love going to my job every day.
• I’m genuine.
• I’m happy.
  

Life is good.

Parental Support.

Who would have thought that throwing a kid's birthday party entailed SO. MUCH. WORK.

The cleaning.
The food.
The entertainment.
The decorations.
The timing.

It was worth every sweaty second.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I rarely associate with the parents of baby boys daycare friends. Since our kids are in daycare together, rest assured the parents work mostly full time, and use the weekends for themselves (as do I...so no biggie, really).

Have I mentioned that none of my close friends are parents...let alone single parents...let alone even remotely CLOSE to having children of their own? It's been a big struggle for me. A struggle to find common ground with people who I used to spend countless hours doing random things or drinking our night away at the bars.

Since baby boy has come into my life, I've selfishly wished that I could find parents that I could relate with, hang out with, and confide in. It seems like a simple task....wrong. Let's put it this way (and I know this is going to sound off) but I think it would be easier to raise ten boys at the same time, than to find a group of supportive parents to hang out with. Srsly.

I've looked for parenting groups, and haven't found a single one that I:

1. Feel comfortable attending
2. Fits into my schedule

When it came time for baby boy's birthday party, I invited my niece, our neighbor, and three boys from daycare.

Worrying about finding common ground with the daycare mom's, I sat and wondered, "What could I possibly have in common with two women who are married, and are most definitely more financially stable than I am?!" ...And then our boys walked into the room together.

The light bulb illuminated.

Daddy.

The boys of my past have forced my mind to churn into overdrive.

Why haven't I been able to find Mr. Right instead of always settling with Mr. Right Now?

Why do I get so hung up on Mr. Right Now?

Am I REALLY psycho-chick that most men typically avoid?

...and the list goes on.

I realized that I've always been lacking one key component of my life. An attentive father. Don't get me wrong, I know my dad has a great heart and I know he loves me...he just has a HORRIBLE way of showing it (as far as I'm concerned).

A little bit about him (since I can tell you're all DYING to know)...

• He's a Vietnam vet, where he did a few tours, and drove a tank
• His own father died of a heart attack when my dad was seven
• He's a twin (paternal)
• I'm fairly certain he has OCD, and it always takes mysterious forms like photography, golf, tai kwon do, etc.
• He is the first man in his family (along with his twin) to live to see his 60th birthday
• He used to be obsessed with being a great father...then he moved onto to something else.

My father has a difficult time expressing his emotions. I think that's why I'm so darn emotional! I've felt compelled to spew emotion in the hopes of getting something back in return (which I think is kind of sad, I digress).

SO...Fast forward to present day....Along comes a man. He seems interested in me, and I give him the "do me eyes" and it's a done deal....for one night. I really need to work on forcing a man to work. I need to have more confidence that all men are NOT like my father. Some men actually will talk to me for more than just one night...I know it to be true because I've seen it happen with other girlfriends of mine...girlfriends who are now married.

So yeah..that's probably more about my mentally effed up mind than you would care to know...since when am I one to hold back? Never.

Wow.

Yesterday HAD to be a full moon. My mood was up, then down, then kinda up, then REALLY down. I couldn't blame my mood swings on pms, but more or less bottling up my feelings of dating frustration...and having the bottle explode in my face.

I'm alone, and I've been telling myself that it's alright to be alone (which it is...) but in reality, I'm SICK of being alone.

I'm tired of not having someone to share life's moments with.

I'm frustrated that I let men into my life and that they only seem to stick around for one night.

I'm jealous that everyone around me is finding their "one."

I want to wake up next to a sleeping, gentle soul...who is just as much into me as I am into him.

After a few conversations with some great friends, I began snapping out of my mood-roller coaster. Laying in bed, I realized how many people I've actually attempted to date, or made-out with in the past few years....and to be honest...it's kind of a lot!

Alaska, California, Chi-Town, Country Boy, Tall Boy, Penny....and the list goes on!

I still stand by my opinion that I'm a pretty awesome chick. I still believe (in my heart of hearts) that I'm worth the trouble to some man out there. I mean, I love beer, football (most professional sports, for that matter...), cooking and laughing...really? What more is there to want?!

I think I am the epitome of a broken road....I know it will lead me to him eventually, so I should quit my bitchin' already and learn from the potholes.

Life is too short to spend it crying.

The dinner that wasn't

Baby boy was up at 6:30 on Sunday morning. Yeah, you read that right...6:30am. I blinked my eyes, and laid in bed for an hour or so. By 7:30 we were at the table, eating Life cereal. I was mentally going through my game-plan.

My house was literally a disaster zone. The combination of the winter, and lack of motivation had left me with a mess. I wish I had a picture of it, but I'm really glad I don't...it was embarrassing. Let's just say my artificial christmas tree was still standing in all of its glory.

Immediately following breakfast I got to work. Eight loads of laundry, three loads of dishes through the dishwasher, sweeping and moping the floor, vaccuming, taking down the tree, rearranging my living room, decluttering. You name it, if it had to do with cleaning, I probably did it.

All the while I was watching the clock. He was supposed to be over at 6 for dinner, and I needed to shower, and run to the grocery store after cleaning was over. Let me just tell you, my afternoon shower was the most rewarding shower I've had in a while!

At 5pm I sat in my robe on the couch. I knew I was cutting it close on time, but I also knew I could pull it off. I went to check my phone and found two text messages. The first was from a great friend, and read: "Good Luck tonight! I hope everything goes well." The second read: "I just got a call from a friend of my parents about a job opportunity, and i am afraid i am going to pass on dinner."

WTF.

I was dignified in my response, saying "Bummer. Good luck with everything. Ttyl."

So there ya have it. The dinner that wasn't.

Honestly, I was bummed. At the exact same time, I wasn't surprised....and I only say that because of the history (or lack there of) with him.

The one positive thing that came of Sunday? I've got a pretty darn clean home!!

Turning Back Tuesday's

Please forgive me...I've been a horrible poster/reader/commenter this past week. What can I say? I suck!

So...about Mark.

He gave me his email...I wrote him. A series of instant messages followed. I couldn't tell if he was as "in" to me as I was to him.

Christmas break rolled around, and I decided I was going to make my move. I told him I was having a Christmas party...and I was so smooth, that he was the only guy I had invited. It was innocent, and fun. Drinking was involved (of course, DUH!) and before I knew it, our lips were entangled and my goal was accomplished.

He was mine.

I was so happy with our relationship. This was my second actual semi-serious boyfriend. His family was great. His friends were meh. Our relationship was met with challenges since I was going to school 2.5 hours away...I won't lie, I actually drove to the cities drunk because he was going to a strip club, and I had zero self esteem to handle that or control my actions.

I digress.

The classic thought "if I knew then what I know now" haunts me when I think about all of the silly things Mark and I mixed words over.

Did I mention Mark is completely opposite of me? He is very introverted and apathetic. I am very extroverted and sympathetic. He would prefer to sit in his room for 8 hours straight playing computer games. I prefer to go to the movies, meet friends at the bars or talk about nothing for hours. He feels like the world hates him. I love the world and everything it has to offer.

Almost every relationship has its negative stories associated with it. As frustrated as I am about our tainted history together, he really is and was an amazing guy.

On a college student's budget, he surprised me by renting a hotel room, getting my stuff into the room, setting up a romantic setting with a burned cd filled with romantic love songs, and completely sweeping me off of my feet. There hasn't been a man since who has done something so amazing for me.

A year and a half into our relationship, Mark and I sat down to have a serious talk. Things had been ugly between the two of us. It was almost as if our relationship tensions mimicked that of an unhappy married couple who had been wanting to divorce each other for over a decade. He looked at me, and told me he had something to tell me, but couldn't figure out how to say it.

To this day, I still think he was going to tell me he was gay. I don't know why, but if you could've seen the look on his face...

He told me he had become un-attracted to me because of my weight. I had gained the freshman 15 (ok, so maybe it was 20), but I wasn't grotesquely overweight. I was completely crushed. Maybe the look of fear on his face was his poor attempt at being sympathetic. He knew his words would crush me, and they did.

I told him to leave, and he did. That was the beginning of the end for Mark and I. From that moment on, what we had was broken. There wasn't a remedy to resolve our issues. We tried being friends with benefits. We tried just being friends. Our issues continued to circulate around dysfunction.

The night I had told Mark that I was pregnant, he stated the obvious thing to do was to have an abortion. He literally spelled it out. The baby wasn't his. I had been dating another guy (who I'll fill you in about later...). Maybe this is me making an excuse for Mark, but he is very analytical, and feared the costs of raising a child would break me. He knew I wasn't going to have support. I set him straight, gently reminding him that I was a strong person. Mark was actually in the hospital room when I delivered baby boy almost two and a half years ago (Marks face was a shade of white that can never be reproduced..I still chuckle when I think about it!).

My friendship with Mark ended a little over three months ago. He's still a great person, but had unresolved resentment towards me. He would bottle this resentment and explode at me (in front of baby boy) once every six months or so. I had warned him that I wouldn't tolerate behavior like that in front of baby boy...maybe he didn't think I was serious. Labor day weekend, he exploded at me in front of baby boy, and we haven't spoken since.

The story of Mark makes me smile, but also makes me cry. I can say with utmost certainty that I've grown a lot because of Mark (in more ways than one...haha, I'm funny!). I've also learned a lot from him, and for this, I am grateful.