The one where I survive.

I sat in front of the television with eyes, ears and a bit of my soul glued to the woman’s every word and mannerism. She is a true survivor, inspiring, yet the details of her story are so gruesome it chills me to the bone.

I’m still baffled that people can treat others so horribly. I don’t understand sexual predators. I find it hard to bring myself to the realization that there are people within our world that will attempt to steal humanity from others, young and old, through forced sexual acts.

I just don’t get it.

What I understand is Jaycee Lee Dugard’s will to survive, and how she had to survive a monster by keeping quiet. Although I only had to survive a monster for a few mere moments, there’s something that rings true to me in her story. Unfortunately, there can be moments when your life is threatened that you sit and take it, knowing that a struggle could cost you your last breath. When the horrific moment was over for me, I had a chance to run. My heart breaks that Jaycee never had the same chance.

I want to buy her book and read her story. I fully support educating people that surviving is possible. There is life after abuse.

My Dream.

Lately, my internal dialogue has been tugging at my soul. I'm happy being single. I have no expectations, conflict, disappointment....at least none of those things I can blame on someone else. Being single is eye opening. It forces you to hold yourself accountable, even when you really don't want to, or try to resist accountability with all of your might.

I really am happy being single, while simultaneously wondering if I truly ever will cross paths with my one true love. A man who will look at me and melt my soul. A man who will see, feel and believe I deserve his love, and will believe he deserves mine equally. I dream and wonder if it will ever happen for me.

I go to sleep and ask my brain to dream of my wedding day, the day when it's my turn in the realm of romance. Most of the time, I dream of myself standing on a beach holding his hands....Everyone and no one is there. We are surrounded by love, and it is not only about me, but about us and the life we're starting together. There's a light breeze, and the sky has electric hues of blue with not a cloud in the sky. The day is perfect....

Then I wake up...my perfect dream of my wedding day almost haunts me because it feels so out of reach. It feels like too much of a fantasy world to be realistic for me, but dammit, I deserve it. With billions of people in the world I'm bound to find him, the man who will love me, and whom I will love. The man I deem crazy enough to put up with my silly antics.

Tonight, I sit at my computer continuing to survive single plus one, and tonight, I'll go to sleep being happy and content with myself and my life.

Once a Month

On any given Sunday, I'm usually happy and content with my life. It seems that my hormones love to get the best of me once a month.

• I feel anxiety weigh me down.
• I am snappy without realizing it.
• I say things that I mean, but in a way that is totally out of line.
• I feel extremely alone.

I haven't had much to update the world with lately...I'm still single. I'm still surviving (some days feel like more of a struggle to survive than others, I digress). I still (thankfully) have a job. I'm still relatively healthy.

However, once a month, I seem to have a "lack-of-support breakdown". I ugly cry. I think "why me?" I crave extra support from my parents, and always seem to be left disappointed. I forget the things my parents do for me, instead focusing on the things they don't do for me...and I feel JUSTIFIED in doing so....for no reason.

Once a month, I feel like I shouldn't be a mom. Once a month, I feel like I'm suffocating. Once a month, I cry because I want to be held, and told it's going to be okay.

Once a fricken' month.

This past weekend was my "once a month".

Daddy.

The boys of my past have forced my mind to churn into overdrive.

Why haven't I been able to find Mr. Right instead of always settling with Mr. Right Now?

Why do I get so hung up on Mr. Right Now?

Am I REALLY psycho-chick that most men typically avoid?

...and the list goes on.

I realized that I've always been lacking one key component of my life. An attentive father. Don't get me wrong, I know my dad has a great heart and I know he loves me...he just has a HORRIBLE way of showing it (as far as I'm concerned).

A little bit about him (since I can tell you're all DYING to know)...

• He's a Vietnam vet, where he did a few tours, and drove a tank
• His own father died of a heart attack when my dad was seven
• He's a twin (paternal)
• I'm fairly certain he has OCD, and it always takes mysterious forms like photography, golf, tai kwon do, etc.
• He is the first man in his family (along with his twin) to live to see his 60th birthday
• He used to be obsessed with being a great father...then he moved onto to something else.

My father has a difficult time expressing his emotions. I think that's why I'm so darn emotional! I've felt compelled to spew emotion in the hopes of getting something back in return (which I think is kind of sad, I digress).

SO...Fast forward to present day....Along comes a man. He seems interested in me, and I give him the "do me eyes" and it's a done deal....for one night. I really need to work on forcing a man to work. I need to have more confidence that all men are NOT like my father. Some men actually will talk to me for more than just one night...I know it to be true because I've seen it happen with other girlfriends of mine...girlfriends who are now married.

So yeah..that's probably more about my mentally effed up mind than you would care to know...since when am I one to hold back? Never.

Turning Back Tuesdays

Introducing: A Bad Night

Not only did my senior year prove to be a year of firsts (first time I was drunk, first boyfriend, first prom, etc.) I learned the hard way that you can't always trust who you're with.

I was with a friend of mine DO and it was March 16th. We decided to visit his friend's college apartment, and have a few drinks. For me, all it took was two vodka sours, and I was tipsy. Really, I rarely, if ever drank. My rocky family life had caused me to lose interest in abiding by their rules. I was the driver that night, but at the time, didn't plan on coming home.

So there I was; myself, DO who was a year younger than me, (and just so happened to be my "one and only ex's" friend), sitting at his coworkers apartment. In a confusing nutshell; JR, DO and this college guy, ASS, had all worked together.

The exact details of the night have faded from my memory, but I can tell you this. At one point, DO and I were in the bathroom together, talking about life. We were both drunk*, and we ended up making out. That was all, it was completely innocent.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting on ASS's couch. They had put in the movie Animal House. DO got up, and went back to the bathroom to talk on his phone. I was bored with the movie, so I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, ASS was rubbing my stomach. I was frozen like a deer in headlights. My eyes continued to stay shut. In my head, I was asking myself "what in the hell is this guy doing?" My body was frozen. He then decided I was passed out enough to have sex with me. I was violated by a man I barely knew... I didn't open my eyes and say "HEY! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" because I was scared shitless.

When DO returned from the bathroom, ASS and went in to clean himself up, I opened my eyes, immediately started crying, and told DO we needed to leave. He went along with me, and once we were to my car I explained what had just happened. I swear I felt like a scene straight out of the movie KIDS had just taken place. In fact, I feel disgusting writing it all out on here. As horrible as this story may seem, it is a piece of my puzzle. A piece that may (or may not) help me to unravel the reason's behind why I am the way I am with men.

*drunk at that point in my life had literally entailed two drinks...and was nowhere near what I would consider drunk today...I still haven't decided if that's good or bad!

On that note...

Expanding on my last post...I have a few thoughts/secrets to ellaborate on.

As much as I long to find my soulmate who "completes me" I really love my life 98% of the time.

Specifically, I love not having to worry if I look good enough. Yes, my physique sucks. Yes, I'll get to it. Right now, I have more important things to do than check my son into ANOTHER daycare while mommy has alone time, only to pick him up and put him STRAIGHT TO BED. My physique is a sacrifice I make being a full-time job holding single parent.

I know my everyday routine sounds nauseating to some, and lazy to others...trust me when I say it's the furthest thing from lazy one could imagine...

If you watch Desperate Housewives, I can TOTALLY SEE how Gabby lets herself go after having children. Being a mom is honestly like a full time job where you're constantly putting in overtime, NEVER getting paid for a vacation, and rarely (if ever) allowed to take a sick day. Can you see why I'd want to mentally check out after being alert and attentive for upwards of 12 straight hours?

Some days, I question how my life would change if I found that special someone to share my nights with. Would I still feel as exhausted with a second half around? I'd like to think not. Would I turn off the television to have late night romp sessions? I'd like to think so. Does the probability of finding that special someone decrease when I have a poor self image? Yup, but I go to sleep comforted in knowing that I'm working on it.