The Vortex

I find myself in a cyclic vortex of emotions when I make small attempts to satisfy my physical needs with a physical relationship. A vortex that, since becoming a parent, has made dating damn near impossible. A vortex that envelopes my emotions far too rapidly for my own mind to digest. A vortex that, at times, feels like it's suffocating me. A vortex that prevents me from being my true self.

When I escape the vortex I immediately feel equal parts of relief and disappointment. Perhaps someday this vortex of emotions will feel easy, and spin me in the direction of companionship. Perhaps someday I'll find solace in the daily happenings of my life, and won't feel inclined to enter the vortex again. Perhaps one day, the vortex will sweep me up and spit me out again.

Life, for me, feels 98% unpredictable. I've been alright with the unpredictability, but I certainly need to practice breathing, relaxation, and focusing on my true self the next time the vortex sucks me in.

Insider Secret.

Well folks, there's nothing like running into your crush as you're walking into the dermatology clinic, running into the love of your life's FIANCE while you're on a sporadic daytrip, or reading that Alaska is seriously contemplating moving back to MN on facebook to kick your week off to an amazing start.

Truth: My love life is still non-existent. I'm keeping extremely busy. So busy, in fact, that I become tired just thinking about it. I'm continuing to focus on myself, going to the gym 3, 4 and sometimes even 5 times a week (although you wouldn't guess it by looking at the scale, I digress). I've made appointments with a dermatologist to get my annoying acne (that only a 14 year old should have to endure) under control.

I'm trying to put me first. A rarity in the life of a full-time working, single mom.

I still find ways to have fun (read: sporadic day trip with a great friend), but I am still fighting my strong urge to want more.

For now, my only suggestion to you would be to invest in Duracell. I don't foresee my future without the copper-tops....at least not anytime soon.

Wow.

Yesterday HAD to be a full moon. My mood was up, then down, then kinda up, then REALLY down. I couldn't blame my mood swings on pms, but more or less bottling up my feelings of dating frustration...and having the bottle explode in my face.

I'm alone, and I've been telling myself that it's alright to be alone (which it is...) but in reality, I'm SICK of being alone.

I'm tired of not having someone to share life's moments with.

I'm frustrated that I let men into my life and that they only seem to stick around for one night.

I'm jealous that everyone around me is finding their "one."

I want to wake up next to a sleeping, gentle soul...who is just as much into me as I am into him.

After a few conversations with some great friends, I began snapping out of my mood-roller coaster. Laying in bed, I realized how many people I've actually attempted to date, or made-out with in the past few years....and to be honest...it's kind of a lot!

Alaska, California, Chi-Town, Country Boy, Tall Boy, Penny....and the list goes on!

I still stand by my opinion that I'm a pretty awesome chick. I still believe (in my heart of hearts) that I'm worth the trouble to some man out there. I mean, I love beer, football (most professional sports, for that matter...), cooking and laughing...really? What more is there to want?!

I think I am the epitome of a broken road....I know it will lead me to him eventually, so I should quit my bitchin' already and learn from the potholes.

Life is too short to spend it crying.

I continue...

...to survive.

I haven't been around much lately because there hasn't been much to share.

I'm still single. I'm still surviving. Sounds kind of boring, eh?

I guess a bit of new news is I've actually had a few Fridays to myself the past three weekends. See, it's wedding season in my world. In six weeks time I had/have to attend two bachelorette parties, two weddings and one bridal shower.

In the beginning of wedding season, I told my mother about the dates I would need help with baby boy. She responded by stating she would take baby boy every weekend I had a wedding event from Friday to Sunday (knowing full well that all of my wedding events aside from the wedding I'm actually in took place on a Saturday...sounds too good to be true...and it was...but I'm not here to chat about the struggles with my mom. I digress.)

In lieu of staying home on my free Friday's off, I spent time hanging out with some good friends. I crossed paths with different people, and even kissed a boy. Even with all of the freedom I was gifted I ran into the same road blocks. I haven't met a guy willing to date me.

Wah, wah..poor me!

Does anyone have any pointers for me? I need to learn how to full hearted attract the opposite sex. How can this mama bring sexy back? Is there a manual available that can guide me in the right direction?