I Shake My Fist

Here's my qualm with online dating....

It makes me lose hope.

One second I feel like I can do this dating thing. I feel like any man would be lucky to have me in their life. I take this confidence, and reapproach the online dating world...and I'm always met with rejection.

I've been trying my hand in the dating world for almost three years. I resorted to online dating because I've been stuck at home 99% of my evenings due to being a single parent. Key words: single parent (single->want a man in my life. parent-> man repellent).

I've gone back and forth about including the single parent label in my online dating profile. I want men to get to know me for me....but at the same time, when I've excluded this information I feel as if I've mislead these men due to their response (which almost ALWAYS entails "oh" followed by awkward silence followed by the sudden halt of emails/contact).

Most recently, when I was overtaken by the urge to start backup in the online dating world, I felt confident I would find decent, upstanding, responsible, respectable men. What have I found? All of the above...there's just one little bitty issue....None of them are interested in me. Nada.

How do I know this? Because my inbox is continuously flooded with "Keep looking, he's just not interested in you." In the words of Tony the Tiger...that's Grrrrrrrrrrrreat (insert an insane amount of sarcasm here).

My faith in finding mr. right was questioned intensely today when a man I've had a semi crush on for a while happened to stumble on my profile. Now, this is a man with whom has dated two girls that I know (one of which I set him up with because he's a great guy, she is a great girl, and I wanted them both to be happy...turns out, they didn't click).

I'm tired. It's late. I've been back in the online dating world for three days and I've already lost hope. I can't stop thinking about wanting a man in my life and I'm absolutely convinced this want is driving me crazy. I'm off to sleep now, where I'll most certainly dream of what it feels like to be touched...because lord knows dreaming is as close as this mama is going to get for a long, long time (insert eeyore tone here).

Public Service Announcment

Let me take a moment to fill you in on an amazing little secret. When you make plans with a person who happens to be a single parent...keep the plans, or cancel a few days in advance. If you want the single parent to ever speak to you again, don't blow him or her off. Really.

Also...to all of you single guys out there....Single mom's have scales. Really, they do. So if you come across one, back away slowly. Actually, the best thing you can do is take them out a few times, then blow them off. Really, remember the scales and you'll agree with me.


This PSA is courtesy of Dude and my erratic emotions whilst I PMS. You're Welcome.

Strings

I'm a walking, talking double standard. I want to have sex...but I won't allow myself to have sex.

My Friday night turned out to be a lot of fun. I was nervous there was going to be a lot of awkwardness, but my apprehensions quickly melted the second he arrived to pick me up. We headed out to a bar, fairly close to my house...ordered a drink, and started talking. His eyes were electrifying....I'm pretty sure that if a guy smells good, is taller than me, and has amazing eyes I would do him, I digress.

The conversation evolved around sports and silly stories from the past. Then it took a swift turn. He started telling me about a girl he was hung up on...a girl who wasn't into him the same way he was into her. My heart sank. It just wasn't appropriate conversation to have considering we were kinda sorta on a date. I brushed it off, but the thought of his hang up remained fresh in the back of my mind.

Our bar extravaganza only lasted a few hours, and included rum and cokes, patron, and a car bomb. I was ready to go balls to the wall...but he suggested we head back to my place for driving reasons. I agreed, and we were home before 11.

I'd like to pat myself on the back here...because I totally made the first move. When we got out of his car, before heading inside, I told him I wanted to tell him something...and then I kissed him. I had been wanting to kiss him since the second I saw him, and it was worth the wait.

We went inside, thanked and sent my friends on their way (who had spent the evening with baby boy)..and we were alone. Some pretty intense making out followed, and then he nonchallantly suggested we move it to the bedroom..I wouldn't allow it for a couple of reasons. As much as I wanted to have wild and crazy sex, I hadn't shaved my legs in over two months, and the thought of his hang-up was still fresh in my mind.

I don't want a one night stand...I've had half a dozen one night stands. I can't emotionally handle them at this point in my life, nor do I think it's appropriate to live my life hopping from one night stand to one night stand for the sake of baby boy. I want more, and I feel like I deserve more.

Here's my little dilemma. I WANT MAN-TENTION! I REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX! GRRRRR. Why does life have to CONSTANTLY throw emotional curve balls at me?!

I just don't know what to do. I'm proud of myself for holding my ground, but I almost regret it.

Yes, I want a boyfriend...and I think the thing that hurts the most is I keep finding these guys who only want sex, no strings attached...and that's not me. I have and will always have strings.

Ring of Fire

Some days, I walk around with an air of pride because I am a mom. In a way, it is a badge that states: "I was good/hot/sexy enough for a man to have sex with me."

Today, I walk around with a burden that is becomes heavier each time it comes around. You see, I don't have the almighty wedding ring, nor am I anywhere near to acquiring one. Mainly because I'm obviously not dating anyone, and really have no potential suitors in my near future.

Why do I think being married is Almighty? Because, I envision my non-existent marriage to be with someone who completes me...who makes me a better person, and who is willing to have sex with me 24-7...no questions asked.

Yes, I skipped out on the marriage before the kid...but that doesn't make me any less qualified to be an amazing wife. If anything, it proves to a man that I'd make a(n) great alright mom. I've willingly accepted the fact that I am no longer the highest thing/person on my priority list 9 times out of 10.

I'm not one of those women who needs to get married NOW...but I'm definitely a girl who day dreams about the day mr. right walks into her life...and also of a day where I can say goodbye to mr. right-now.

I look at men and women who wear wedding rings and envy them. They've found the person who completes them (at least, that's what I tell myself). Their lives may not be picturesque, but it's a pretty intense thing to verbally, emotionally and even sometimes spiritually commit yourself to another being....to me, it's powerful and something I strive for.

My heart hopes it happens sooner than later...because all of these lonely nights after baby boy is in bed are sure starting to pay their toll on me.

TB: Case Closed

So, the book of TB has officially closed. I knew there were things about him that were testing my patience, like his lack of communication efforts...but there were also many great things about him that made me excited, and rejuvenated my hopes in having a successful dating life.

In a way, I kind of feel like I was broken up with via a post-it, although in this case, it was via IM when I wasn't near my computer.

Tall Boy: I just closed our match on eHarmony. I don't think I am ready to date yet, and I just don't think we will get along that well in the long term. I haven't been very fair to you, and I think we could be good friends, but I just don't think we are right for each other. We can meet up somewhere to talk about it if you want, or give me a call tonight later on and we can talk about it too. Thanks for being so patient with me, and I'm sorry it didn't work out better.

The light I had seen at the end of the tunnel to find a good guy is now dark. I know the dating world is filled with highs and lows, but my highs haven't seemed too high, and my lows seem to be suffocating me. The new dating relationship I had experienced and it's out-right end hurts more than I expected it too. Hmph.