I'm Over It.

A few weeks ago I met a man. Of course, the place we met was extremely random (read: my son's fifth birthday party). Of course, I wasn't expecting to meet a man that day. Of course, I was blown away by the attention.

What attention?

Well, looking back it was really nothing...but to a single girl whose past relationships have amounted to crap, it was a lot. A short, sweet email, which culminated in him asking for my number and stating he'd like to buy me coffee.

I was smitten.

I replied with my info, and waited. And waited. Eventually, I received a call from him (but I was in class so I couldn't answer). When I called him back, I got his voicemail, so a message from me saying "hi, tag, you're it" was left, and I continued to wait. The next night I received a text. We decided to meet on Saturday (aka, last night), and that was that...only we hadn't determined a time.

This story ends like all of the rest of my boy stories, which is why this introduction swayed from all of my previous man-troductions....it's one in the same.

He cancelled on me the last minute. Fuck me.

I say Fuck me as sarcastically as possible. I know I wasn't the reason. I know (and had a gut feeling) he had a lot of things going on in his life, and the timing (as right as it's felt the past couple of weeks) was hauntingly off (again, more so on his part than mine).

I'm so drained with men. I'm drained from keeping an open mind for SUCH. A. LONG. TIME...only to still find myself barely surviving single (plus one). I'm drained from becoming excited at new possibilities, only to have said possibilities amount to crap. Sure, I could attempt to be optimistic right now and say "well, this was a positive experience...a man was actually interested in ME for five minutes....and all I did was act myself...yay me!" except my positive energy is damn near close to extinct in my soul.

I want to ugly cry, but I'm sick of crying over men. I know I'm a strong, independent woman. I know I'm far from perfect, but there's a man out there who will be the yin to my yang...for the moment, I'm completely over putting forth any effort. Have I mentioned I'm drained? (yup, sure have...).

I am a full time working, single mother, who is in college...I am happy being a mom. In fact, I LOVE being a mom (although, most days it feels like the most thankless task EVER). I love my job. I love that I'm back in school exercising my brain. Honestly, a man isn't the void in my life....exercise is.

So...long story short...I'm over men, and turning my energy to regaining my physical fitness....that is, until the next man comes along (what? I'm only human!).

Price Check, Aisle SERIOUSLY?!

I was pushing three grocery bags full of vegetables with a fresh outlook on life to my car (over my lunch break). It was a GORGEOUS sunny November day...the kind we don't see in Minnesota very often. The air was warm, the sun was bright, life was good.

Today was different, although I didn't know it yet.

I happily pushed my shopping cart to my car, unloaded my loot, and went to push the shopping cart to the cart rack. As I was walking, I passed a man. Tall, with an eight o'clock shadow hugging his face. He was dressed casual, but nice. His shoes were well kept, and made from brown leather.

"Hi" he said to me as I passed him. It was a familiar "hi." I politely responded and then started racking my brain. Why did he seem like he knew me? Am I supposed to know him? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

When I turned around after returning my cart, he was standing still, staring at me.

"I'm totally checking you out." He was more forward than a drunk man at bar close time.

"Oh, ok"...that was the best I could come up with.

I We walked back towards my car...He was flooding me with compliments.

"I am so attracted to you. I normally don't do this, but I like to go after things that I like, and what can I say? I am really really attracted to you."

I could physically hear every word from his mouth, but at the same time it fell upon deaf ears because my inner conscious was screaming at me: IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING TO ME? IS THIS GUY CRAZY? IS HE GOING TO TRY TO KIDNAP ME? OH SHIT, HE'S A PSYCHO SERIAL KILLING RAPIST!!! (OBVIOUSLY I have trust issues, I digress).

"Do a lot of guys talk to you and tell you this? I'm sure they do. How do I say this? I am really attracted to large chests" BOOM, there it was....WHO SAYS THAT?! Oh, that's right, this random dude does.

He asked if we could exchange numbers, but I tiptoed around it. I tiptoed around any sort of personal question (and by any, the only other personal question he asked me was if I worked close to the grocery store..which I do, so I told him yes, but I didn't elaborate beyond that). Maybe avoiding personal exchanges was for the best, but maybe I just blew my chance at finding my Him. What have I learned from this? I really need to work on my flirting/social skills!....Mama is severely RUSTY (when she hasn't had a glass or three of vino).

College Bound?

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old single mother who has attempted college twice in her life (both times BEFORE becoming a parent). Both attempts left me with equal amounts of passing and failing grades....but neither left me with a bachelors degree in my pocket.

A bachelors degree...something I strongly feel will add to my future in more positive ways than not having one.

I've been wanting to return to school for roughly five years. Getting my degree has been a goal of mine, even in the midst of failing multiple classes. I thought the one looming issue preventing me from doing so was an unresolved college account to the tune of (what felt like) a million dollars that I couldn't afford to rectify.

Little did I know, my dad would help me out so I could have another shot at achieving a college degree. (note: I would be the first person in my immediate family to do so, I digress).

So, there I sat, with a (mostly) cleared up financial record (at least cleared up to the point of being financial aid eligible).

The next step was choosing my school....I'll spare you the details, but the school was chosen, and applied for.

Then, it was a matter of obtaining my previous college transcripts, and having them sent to my school of choice. I paid the necessary fees, and had the transcripts sent out (only to have one become mysteriously lost in the mail...where in the hell is Scooby Doo when I need him! I digress).

Eventually, I wound up taking a personal trip to one of my former college's to obtain the official transcript and hand delivered it to my new school of choice.

Jumping ahead of myself, I also made it a point to submit an official letter stating my past financial "issues" had been resolved, and I was actually financial aid eligible...blah blah blah.

Little did I know, the way my cumulative GPA was calculated made my application DENIED. EFF ME!#&$%#@!!!

In order for me to appeal my outright DENIAL, I have to take (and pass with immaculate effing flying colors) a reading, math and written exam.

Was returning to school a HUGE MISTAKE?! I feel like the biggest failing loser ever. I am getting burnt out with this jargon, and classes haven't officially even STARTED yet.

(Insert an extreme amount of expletives HERE).

Trying to Stay Positive

In the past six+ months, I've been making phone calls, writing letters, setting meetings, and crying...all to rectify past mistakes so I could return to school and finish my bachelors degree.

It's been a tough ride...two steps forward, two steps back, blah blah blah. In a nutshell, I talked myself into attending this place. The program fit my schedule, and it seemed almost too good to be true....

My first red flag was the lack of response time from the college itself.
My second red flag was the "financial aid" package I was receiving.
My third red flag, a Nightline story on for-profit institutions.

As I sat on my couch soaking the story in, my brain was shouting "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFING KIDDING ME! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! I ALMOST WAS DUPED!!!!"

See, I don't think the university is a "bad" place, but my doubts have led me to the surmise that it isn't the right place for me or for my future. I want to look back and be proud of the hours I devoted to studying....I don't want to constantly justify my collegiate choice for the rest of my life. So...as of this point, I'm an email away from formally withdrawing myself from AU, and I have an appointment with an admissions counselor at a MNSCU school.

The new school will be a tougher road than the former...but I think a little hard work is exactly what I need.

Do you know anyone who has a bachelors degree from a for-profit school (eg, University of Phoenix, Argosy, etc.)? How is their degree received? Am I being ridiculous?

Indulgent.

I was indulgent this past weekend. Severely indulgent. At one point (or another), I consumed pizza, turkish food, homemade hollandaise (with hashbrowns, green peppers and onions), spicy alfredo (with rotini pasta, asparagus and butternut squash), and even managed to squeeze in a few fudge striped cookies.

As I sat on my couch last night, munching on said fudge striped cookies, I started asking myself "Why in the world are you treating your body like this?!". The only answer that I could feasibly come up with is: control.

I've been sitting on a rather large decision lately...that to return to school to finish earning my bachelors degree. Sure, it doesn't sound like it would be a horribly tough decision, because when can a bachelors degree be a bad thing? Well, I'm here to tell you, a bachelors degree can be a horrible thing if you're facing adding about 20k in debt to your already tarnished credit.

My questions have turned from "when am I going back to school" to "do I need to go to a noteworthy school to have this be worth my debt? or could I settle for a less expensive route that have the means to the same exact end?" The debate goes on.

I've asked my parents - they tell me to talk to someone else.
I've asked facebook - I've received a couple of great comments...but still can't make up my mind.
I've asked a really good childhood friend - She really didn't know what to tell me, and ended the conversation with a "Well, good luck!"

I've even gone so far as to REALLY think about my five year plan...where I want to be, or what I want to do. Here's the path's I've come up with:

1. Move abroad for a year post graduating, only if I could defer said student loans until I return AND figure out a way to move baby boy in a safe and healthy manner. The institution I earn my degree from wouldn't be AS imperative...
2. Post degree, apply for an upgraded position within the current company that I work...which would MOST LIKELY entail moving to a different state, as the current market I'm working in has little to no room for growth. Taking this route would mean that the institution I earn my degree from wouldn't matter as much...
3. Apply for better paying position in the current city I'm living in. This route would make the place I earn my degree from a little more important.

So I ate. And ate. And, yes, ate some more. I don't know which school is best for me, and I certainly can't pinpoint where my life will lead me in the next five years. My decision seems all the more challenging, because it's the life of my son AS WELL as my life that will inevitably be affected.

I'm still eating today...because maybe by the next bite or the next gulp of my indulgent mint coffee I'll attain some sliver of clarity.

Sure there are other problems in the world greater than mine...I get that. Currently, right now...this is all I can think about.

Are you gonna eat that, or can I have it? thanks.

The end of the night.

My stomach ached from long, deep belly laughs. The kind that cleanses your soul. We had walked across the street to partake in a delicious treat of cheese curds (also the kind that warm your soul). Myself, B, and my guy friend E were the three sole survivors of the birthday evening.

A little background...
B has a boyfriend. They are happy, and I am happy for them. B was the sober cab for the night, although she had a couple drinks herself.

E is single, and has been for a while.

At the last bar sitting in a booth I was on one side, B and E were on the other....then it happened. E was sticking his hand on B's leg. B had a look on her face that read "ummmm....seriously?!" My inebriated state called him out immediately.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU KNOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!" The alcohol wouldn't allow me to bottle my frustration.

"Yes, I am well aware" was his immediate response.

My blood boiled.

Now, I know nobody is perfect...however, his response struck a deep nerve with me. A very deep nerve.

See, they're both my friends, just not yet friends with each other. I'm sorry...call me conservative...but if you KNOW someone is in a relationship, you DON'T TRY AND HOOK UP WITH THEM.

Like I said...my birthday, all in all, was a huge success...this was the only blip of the night, and a small blip at that.

I haven't quite decided if I should say anything to E...in fact, I really don't think I'll speak with him for a while, because I follow my mom's golden rule (especially when I'm sober):

"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Public Service Announcment

Let me take a moment to fill you in on an amazing little secret. When you make plans with a person who happens to be a single parent...keep the plans, or cancel a few days in advance. If you want the single parent to ever speak to you again, don't blow him or her off. Really.

Also...to all of you single guys out there....Single mom's have scales. Really, they do. So if you come across one, back away slowly. Actually, the best thing you can do is take them out a few times, then blow them off. Really, remember the scales and you'll agree with me.


This PSA is courtesy of Dude and my erratic emotions whilst I PMS. You're Welcome.

Ring of Fire

Some days, I walk around with an air of pride because I am a mom. In a way, it is a badge that states: "I was good/hot/sexy enough for a man to have sex with me."

Today, I walk around with a burden that is becomes heavier each time it comes around. You see, I don't have the almighty wedding ring, nor am I anywhere near to acquiring one. Mainly because I'm obviously not dating anyone, and really have no potential suitors in my near future.

Why do I think being married is Almighty? Because, I envision my non-existent marriage to be with someone who completes me...who makes me a better person, and who is willing to have sex with me 24-7...no questions asked.

Yes, I skipped out on the marriage before the kid...but that doesn't make me any less qualified to be an amazing wife. If anything, it proves to a man that I'd make a(n) great alright mom. I've willingly accepted the fact that I am no longer the highest thing/person on my priority list 9 times out of 10.

I'm not one of those women who needs to get married NOW...but I'm definitely a girl who day dreams about the day mr. right walks into her life...and also of a day where I can say goodbye to mr. right-now.

I look at men and women who wear wedding rings and envy them. They've found the person who completes them (at least, that's what I tell myself). Their lives may not be picturesque, but it's a pretty intense thing to verbally, emotionally and even sometimes spiritually commit yourself to another being....to me, it's powerful and something I strive for.

My heart hopes it happens sooner than later...because all of these lonely nights after baby boy is in bed are sure starting to pay their toll on me.

The Beginnings of Country Boy

Being back in the saddle is very fitting for my current dating situation. I started communicating with ANOTHER guy via eharmony.

Short story: He sent me a short icebreaker message, I responded by saying "Let's skip the hoops and start talking via email." We started talking, sent a handful of emails back and forth, and spoke on the phone for the first time last night...for THREE HOURS.

I'm a girl. I like talking. I really like talking on the phone. However, I'm a bit nervous that we spent too much time on the phone before we actually have met each other face to face. Maybe that's the traditionalist in me? I don't know, we'll see.

He was (obviously) a very nice guy. He's also tall (6'3), and has a very rugged Italian look (at least his profile pics do...). He was also very open with me....open about stuff the guys I know RARELY talk about. He spoke of where he grew up (Northern MN) and what type of life he wanted to find for himself (large family, living in the north woods, enjoying life, etc.).

Country Boy (CB) was also very open about marriage. At one point, he clarified his marriage and baby talk wasn't necessarily speaking of us...but his words were somewhat refreshing to me. They were refreshing because guys my age cringe about admitting they want to get married, live in a house and have children...CB embraced it. I'm not saying my flags were going up...but I'll admit he seems a bit too good to be true.

We have a lunch date set for Tuesday... You can bet your bottom dollar I'll fill you in, good OR bad!! :-)