Silence

And then there was silence.

I can’t explain the who’s, what’s, where’s, when’s (and most importantly the why’s.  I couldn’t stay away from him.  Sure, I could pretend I did the noble thing and stood my ground, but I didn’t, and I’m not one for pretending.  The selfish urge within me took over, and within a week of not speaking we were back to texting every day.  I honestly can’t even recall HOW it happened (I suppose I could go back in my text-archives…but that just sounds like far too much work).  Long story short; he came, and I compromised me through selfishly allowing myself to sleep with him.  I am still undecided if (or HOW MUCH) I am disappointed in the fact that I didn’t allow myself to walk away and leave things as they were, or if I’m angry at him for pursuing me until he got what he wanted. 

The result of our one sultry night was this; $50.00 spent on “plan b” and our friendship is no more (and neither is our scandalous relationship).  

Truth; a large part of me is relieved.  He had more baggage than I think I could have physically or mentally handled.  He disclosed to me he had been having suicidal thoughts the past couple of months, and whether he said that to foster sympathy or if it was actually the truth is still up in the air….but another reason why I’m flooded with relief that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. 

Second truth:  I’m still a bit bummed even though the cons of our relationship/friendship/situation was stressful, wrong, and more emotional baggage than I could physically handle, I’m bummed I compromised me in the process of trying to open myself up again.  Does this mean I’m not ready or capable of finding and beginning a healthy relationship because I couldn’t stand my ground with him, or does this mean he just wasn’t the right one?  I’m uncertain of the answer.

I don’t want to give up, but I feel like it would be the easiest thing to do in terms of finding love beyond what I have with my small family of two.  

The last time we saw each other he left his watch at my place; he’s now texting me to get it back.  The good side of me wants to give it to my neighbor (who works with him), and be done….but there’s another part within me that wants to flip him the bird and tell him to piss off.  The third little bit inside of me wants me to get it fixed (because did I mention his watch is BROKEN), just to spite him and show him that I’m a good person who does the right thing, and that he can’t have me….(which, let’s be real…sounds even crazier than this man actually is).  

Eff.

I don’t know what to do, what the right answer is, or what tomorrow is going to look like.  Trying to surrender control is so damn hard.  I’m still trying to decipher what I’ve learned from this entire situation, and at the same time regret the entire situation even happened.

My Dream.

Lately, my internal dialogue has been tugging at my soul. I'm happy being single. I have no expectations, conflict, disappointment....at least none of those things I can blame on someone else. Being single is eye opening. It forces you to hold yourself accountable, even when you really don't want to, or try to resist accountability with all of your might.

I really am happy being single, while simultaneously wondering if I truly ever will cross paths with my one true love. A man who will look at me and melt my soul. A man who will see, feel and believe I deserve his love, and will believe he deserves mine equally. I dream and wonder if it will ever happen for me.

I go to sleep and ask my brain to dream of my wedding day, the day when it's my turn in the realm of romance. Most of the time, I dream of myself standing on a beach holding his hands....Everyone and no one is there. We are surrounded by love, and it is not only about me, but about us and the life we're starting together. There's a light breeze, and the sky has electric hues of blue with not a cloud in the sky. The day is perfect....

Then I wake up...my perfect dream of my wedding day almost haunts me because it feels so out of reach. It feels like too much of a fantasy world to be realistic for me, but dammit, I deserve it. With billions of people in the world I'm bound to find him, the man who will love me, and whom I will love. The man I deem crazy enough to put up with my silly antics.

Tonight, I sit at my computer continuing to survive single plus one, and tonight, I'll go to sleep being happy and content with myself and my life.

My Idiosyncrasies

I've moved on from him (Tall boy)...mostly.

I am still bitter and pretty annoyed at the thought of him, and the emotional trap I allowed myself to fall into...but it's over. Done. Finito. No sense focusing my time and energy on a person whose choices don't include me, right? Right.

Out of pure silliness, I posted a profile on a laughable dating website. Don't get me wrong, there are great people on the site...it's more like the TJ Maxx of the dating world...you have to weed through a LOT of crap to find a decent guy.

If you're unfamiliar with the site, they've added a feature where their computer sends you three matches that they feel are credible. You have the option to message your match, or to reject him..yadda yadda yadda.

Where am I going with this?

Last night, they effing sent me Tall Boy as a match.

Awesome.

I haven't looked at his profile (as tempted as I am to do so).

I haven't rejected his profile. It's sitting in my account.

Seriously.

------------------------

And on an awesome, unrelated note...I totally pulled my groin muscle last night* (or as I like to refer to, my inner-thigh muscle...since that sounds less like I have a man-unit than groin).

Anyone have a magical cure for a strained inner-thigh muscle...because OUCH.

*I wish I could say the injury took place in the bedroom....but it didn't. Just my luck, right?! (or lack there of...hmph)

The Big Night.

As Friday evening grew near, my excitement began to bubble. Unfortunately, I had come down with a silly nagging cold the previous night...thankfully my adrenaline allowed me to enjoy myself.

The first time I had officially been out on the town in 2010 was NOT going to be hindered by a stuffy nose!

We arrived at a packed bar. The birthday gods that be landed the group a prime spot at the end corner...and the fun ensued. The bar was known for their color themed drinks: Greenies, pupleies, blueies and pinkies. For the most part, they were vodka sours with colored sugar added at the end to make them taste kind of like a sweet tart....did I mention they were DELICIOUS!

Most of the people who showed up were not interested in wearing white t-shirts and partaking in the fun. I (surprisingly enough) didn't let that bother me, and instead found strangers in the bar who WOULD partake.

I happened across a family from the sticks who were out celebrating their 24 year old son's birthday...of course I gave the birthday boy a shirt and OF COURSE he put it on with a smile. My drunken logic asked him if his parents wanted a shirt too...he replied there was NO WAY his dad would wear a shirt. I pranced over to his Pops, fluttered my eyelashes and within 1 second Pops had the shirt on. His son was completely stunned...but loved every second of it.

A lot of inappropriate writing ensued. Many deep, long belly laughs were had. Countless drinks slowly disappeared.

There was one situation that happened at the end of the night that left me extremely irritated...but since the night was mostly a success I'll touch on "that" another post.

A phrase I wasn't familiar with until yesterday.....The people who should've been there showed up.

Update

Life, up to date:

1) Still single
2) Still wish I wasn't
3) Beginning to slowly realize being single isn't at bad as I always make it out to be
4) I have a great appreciation for AA batteries
5) I have spent many hours this week cooking delicious meals, and equal hours enjoying said meals
6) I've got a short work week ahead of me, and have plans to take a fun day trip!!
7) Have re-realized that baby boys laughter is the most heartwarming noise I've ever laid ears on
8) As often as I've felt alone, I've managed to remind myself that life is mostly about attitude and choice
9) I now choose to be happy, even in the face of frustration
10) I've always felt like a mixture of Bridget Jones and that chick from Jerry McGuire. One could only be so lucky!! I've got a great life, awesome baby boy, and my health.. I don't need a psycho Tom Cruise in my life...now, a sexy British man? Yeah, I'll keep dreaming about that one!

Yes, a bullet post is slightly week and boring...but it encompasses my life as of late: kinda boring, a huge contradiction with moments of awesomeness. How have things been in your world?

Hope.

I've got a confession to make. In lieu of putting myself on a strict anti-spending budget I was duped into spending roughly 60 dollars this weekend...on match.com. I know why I did it, and it really is a pathetic reason.

Hope.

I'm still in a dating lull. I don't have friends setting me up or introducing me to new people, and I rarely have the opportunity to venture out on my own to meet men.

I dabbled on this website over a year ago, and to no avail was not matched with any blog-worthy dates. I just don't see what my other options are aside from staying single..and between you and me, I miss the feel, smell and taste of a man.

I've had many profile hits too...but on my match profile I've been very upfront about being a single mom, including a couple of pics of myself and my son at sporting events...I've immediately been met with resistance because here in Minnesota, you've got to be perfect (read no children) to be deemed datable.

At first my hope of finding a great man or two to date via this website was strong. I had over 300 profile views in three days...

Now that I've received a handful of "thanks but no thanks" emails, my hope has dwindled a bit. On Saturday night, I found myself watching a chick flick alone. I cried when I saw the characters on my television find love, because I want that for myself and I'm so afraid I'll never find it.

We'll see where my match.com adventure will take me. At the very least, I'm sure it will give me some great blog-spiration!

I feel good

No, I'm not jumping on the "I'm thankful" bandwagon...sorry! I actually had a really bitter post all lined up, written on Thanksgiving (ironically enough), but decided to sleep on it. I'll save it for later..for now, I just don't feel like being bitter!!

I'll let you know that I'm suffering from major buyers remorse. I spent the equivalent of a paycheck and a half this past weekend. I totally got caught up in the holiday bustle..and wound up with a gleaming 40in LCD 1080p Samsung tv, a blue ray disc player, about 15 new dvds* (I wish I was kidding, but I'm not), and a few other odds and ends. I'm very pleased, really...just trying to hold myself back from shitting bricks for spending so recklessly! Oh well...Ya only live once, right? I'd rather be remembered as the single mom with the kick ass tv and dvd collection than the single mom who just was.

Because I chose to leave my mom's in a huff on turkey day, I took the liberty of making my OWN turkey dinner this afternoon. I purchased a full sized fresh turkey breast (why do I think that sounds dirty? hehe)..it was about 6lbs(?), and smothering the meat in sage/garlic butter. I also made green bean casserole, and sausage stuffing. I cracked open a can of cranberry jelly, and life was amazing. I have a few sweet potatoes and some regular potatoes on reserve for about Wednesday. With only baby boy and myself, I couldn't justify going ALL out. The whole meal still put a huge smile on my face!!

*p.s. I got every black friday deal imaginable, and didn't leave my house until quarter to 9 in the morning. I pity the fools that wake up at 3am...seriously! This mama needs her sleep, and I would hate to imagine what I would be like if I were one of the dreadful souls shivering in line to get the same deals that I got from sleeping through their misery and getting to the stores as my own pace. It actually makes me laugh like dr. evil. Throw me a fricken bone ;-)