I feel guilty.
I feel happy.
I feel confused.
I met up with Crotchrocket last night. It was harmless, I promise. We each brought our children and met up for dinner at a local pizzeria (might I add, his daughter is ADORABLE). So there we were, the four of us.
He looked great. I felt fairly comfortable, and really want to get to know him more. (Enter the "but") BUT, I feel guilty. He has a girlfriend...ya know...the mother of his adorable child....the girlfriend that he bought a house with....Yeah. Am I going to hell for hanging out with him? Probably not (key word: probably).
Our time spent together is/was REALLY innocent. Laughing, enjoying life, smiling when the kids were cracking up, exchanging looks when the kids were naughty (read: me shooting him the "I give up" look when baby boy was being difficult. his little girl was darn near perfect).
I can't shake the feeling that hanging out with him is wrong (emotionally, not physically), because (at the risk of being cliche) it feels so right.
Showing posts with label Crotchrocket. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crotchrocket. Show all posts
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Crotchrocket...Present Day
It started back up with a friend request on Facebook.
Of course I accepted, and honestly, I was completely surprised and taken aback when I received the request. It had been (darn near) close to 10 years since I had heard from him...Ten crazy years, but ten years none the less.
Immediately I was overcome with a flood of emotions. I craved to find out what he had been up to. What’s his life like? What’s changed? What’s new? What’s different? I wanted to know it all.
(I laugh realizing that both times we’ve begun speaking have been via the internet, but I’m excited to be speaking with him again.)
He has a house now, a girlfriend with whom he purchased the house with, and a one year old girl.
I’m extremely happy for him, but completely torn with “what if’s.” I know, I know…I shouldn’t do this to myself…but my thoughts keep harassing me.
He makes me laugh.
He’s silly, and lives his life in a light hearted manner.
I make him laugh.
He has a job.
He's not crazy.
…and the history between the two of us is there, and the chemistry is unreal.
I feel guilty talking with him, which means I know in my gut that what I’m doing is wrong. Every time we talk, we flirt. It’s how it’s always been. I feel like no time has passed at all, and I feel extremely comfortable talking with him…but it’s unfair to him, unfair to his girlfriend, and certainly unfair to his little girl. I’m not trying to be the other woman, but did I mention the chemistry between us is electric, be it online or on the phone.
I told him to tell his girlfriend that we were talking, and he said she’s the jealous type. I refuse to allow myself to be his secret friend. I refuse to let myself be the other woman. I deserve more than that.
He’s told me he’ll introduce me to a single guy friend of his, but I don’t believe him. My instincts tell me he feels the same way about me as I do about him…While talking on the phone, I told him that I’ve really missed talking with him, then he agreed…and silence ensued. So today, I sit here confused. Being reminded of how much fun I used to have, and how I laugh until my belly aches when we talk has left me wanting more…has left me wanting him more.
My gut feels wrenched but the selfish being inside of me is soaking it all up. I feel like I’m destined for hell.
Of course I accepted, and honestly, I was completely surprised and taken aback when I received the request. It had been (darn near) close to 10 years since I had heard from him...Ten crazy years, but ten years none the less.
Immediately I was overcome with a flood of emotions. I craved to find out what he had been up to. What’s his life like? What’s changed? What’s new? What’s different? I wanted to know it all.
(I laugh realizing that both times we’ve begun speaking have been via the internet, but I’m excited to be speaking with him again.)
He has a house now, a girlfriend with whom he purchased the house with, and a one year old girl.
I’m extremely happy for him, but completely torn with “what if’s.” I know, I know…I shouldn’t do this to myself…but my thoughts keep harassing me.
He makes me laugh.
He’s silly, and lives his life in a light hearted manner.
I make him laugh.
He has a job.
He's not crazy.
…and the history between the two of us is there, and the chemistry is unreal.
I feel guilty talking with him, which means I know in my gut that what I’m doing is wrong. Every time we talk, we flirt. It’s how it’s always been. I feel like no time has passed at all, and I feel extremely comfortable talking with him…but it’s unfair to him, unfair to his girlfriend, and certainly unfair to his little girl. I’m not trying to be the other woman, but did I mention the chemistry between us is electric, be it online or on the phone.
I told him to tell his girlfriend that we were talking, and he said she’s the jealous type. I refuse to allow myself to be his secret friend. I refuse to let myself be the other woman. I deserve more than that.
He’s told me he’ll introduce me to a single guy friend of his, but I don’t believe him. My instincts tell me he feels the same way about me as I do about him…While talking on the phone, I told him that I’ve really missed talking with him, then he agreed…and silence ensued. So today, I sit here confused. Being reminded of how much fun I used to have, and how I laugh until my belly aches when we talk has left me wanting more…has left me wanting him more.
My gut feels wrenched but the selfish being inside of me is soaking it all up. I feel like I’m destined for hell.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Introducing...
Crotchrocket.
Our conversations began online, back in the day where AOL was the only internet a household had...where you had to wait for the dialing, buzzing, weird noise of the modem followed by a computerized "Welcome."
He was the cousin of my brother's friend (ha, that sounds kind of funny to me, I digress). He had graduated from high school, and I had just finished my Junior year. He had his own car. He drove a crotchrocket. He was nice, and we shared many laughs...but we were just friends.
No handholding.
No romantic stuff.
Just friends.
I had never dated a boy, let alone, a boy had never been "into me." The closest thing I had come to male contact was the horrible first kiss from two years before.
We would go out to eat at Perkins. Hang out at his house. Drive around.
One night, he asked me if I wanted to drink with him...I had never been drunk before, so I was apprehensive, but eventually said I'd go along with it. The night began with a bottle of bacardi limon. The night ended with SEVERE spins, and from what I can remember, we messed around. It was mutual. No lines were crossed that didn't want to be crossed. It was fun, but I was so shy and inexperienced that I felt completely awkward after it happened. If you ask me, that was the beginning of the end of us.
See, we were both inexperienced. He had this ere of sarcasm that I found intriguing, but I also found it extremely difficult to read. After a while, I interpreted his sarcasm as him being too good for me. Towards the end of our summer together, our family discovered my mother had been having an affair. Shortly after that, I met my first actual boyfriend....and Crotchrocket faded out of the picture. I didn't think much of it at the time..I moved on, and was consumed with the life of senior in high school while trying to digest my first boyfriend, and my failed family.
Our conversations began online, back in the day where AOL was the only internet a household had...where you had to wait for the dialing, buzzing, weird noise of the modem followed by a computerized "Welcome."
He was the cousin of my brother's friend (ha, that sounds kind of funny to me, I digress). He had graduated from high school, and I had just finished my Junior year. He had his own car. He drove a crotchrocket. He was nice, and we shared many laughs...but we were just friends.
No handholding.
No romantic stuff.
Just friends.
I had never dated a boy, let alone, a boy had never been "into me." The closest thing I had come to male contact was the horrible first kiss from two years before.
We would go out to eat at Perkins. Hang out at his house. Drive around.
One night, he asked me if I wanted to drink with him...I had never been drunk before, so I was apprehensive, but eventually said I'd go along with it. The night began with a bottle of bacardi limon. The night ended with SEVERE spins, and from what I can remember, we messed around. It was mutual. No lines were crossed that didn't want to be crossed. It was fun, but I was so shy and inexperienced that I felt completely awkward after it happened. If you ask me, that was the beginning of the end of us.
See, we were both inexperienced. He had this ere of sarcasm that I found intriguing, but I also found it extremely difficult to read. After a while, I interpreted his sarcasm as him being too good for me. Towards the end of our summer together, our family discovered my mother had been having an affair. Shortly after that, I met my first actual boyfriend....and Crotchrocket faded out of the picture. I didn't think much of it at the time..I moved on, and was consumed with the life of senior in high school while trying to digest my first boyfriend, and my failed family.
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