I'm not used to attention from men. As I've already explained (most likely for the sake of reminding myself), I've been single so long I've pretty much forgotten that I'm a sexual, emotional human being. Instead I've transformed into somewhat of a robot; I work, go to school, take care of my son, wash, rinse, repeat.
When I've dabbled in online dating (or dating of ANY kind) in the past, little if ANYTHING has come from it. I've written (in my little corner of the net here) about crushes, one night stands, wash, rinse, repeat. Never do I recall a time when a man has overtly said kind things to me, sweet things, or even romantic things. Never can I recall on a time when I've been told repeatedly, "You're so beautiful," or "you're so smart, it's so attractive," or "because of my situation, I'm afraid you're going to be swooped up, and taken off the market."
I've met a new man; a man I am so excited to get to know that words can barely describe....but then reality sets in and I remind myself that he is currently married. What man would truly be able to say such kind things to me while legally committed to another woman? Who am I to think he wouldn't wind up doing the same thing to me? Who am I to fathom he would do the same thing to me and not give him a chance? It's times like this I wish I could predict the future.
Here I sit, and I can't stop thinking about him. His smile, his touch, his adorable facial expressions. I can't stop thinking about how natural I feel with him; how I can be (and have been) myself with little to no inhibitions. Here I sit, when all of the sudden the gray-cloud of his (current) marriage rolls over my head as if it were the most devilish wall-cloud I've ever bore witness to.
I've shared this new-found relationship with a couple of friends. I'm apprehensive to share with more because they won't understand. Traditionally and stereotypically speaking, "once a cheater always a cheater" is what they'll tell me. Half of me is selfish in pursuing this because I've never felt this, and dammit I want it to be my turn. The other half of me is repeating "you've got to be kidding yourself, this will never work, he will never leave his wife." The entire relationship is all of two weeks old, and already I am blown away by the depth of our connection. Since I've been able to be myself, I've been honest with him in saying I will not be a secret friend, and have told him he needs to be honest with me and with his wife. I've fought off numerous advances from him, but sadly admit the line was crossed once and we've shared our first kiss. His hugs are soothing, comforting, and even romantic.
Although I can open up here, I am honestly holding back with him. I want to tell him complimentary things as they happen. I want to tell him how amazing he has made me feel. I want to tell him how much I like how I feel when I speak with him, and when we get to see each other. I want to tell him these things, but I hold back because I'm stubborn and refuse to start something with a married man. Sure, one can argue I've already started it...but I'm holding back because it's the best I can do in the current situation.
At times I feel like he's reading my mind, randomly telling me it's ok if I text him anytime, but phone calls would be tough. He says he is going to step up, be a man, and explain to his wife that yes they're going to go through with a divorce. He says time will tell if he's really being honest, because if no progress is being made then I should, in essence, move on. He's asked me if I believe in destiny, (and had he not asked me in person I probably would have rolled my eyes and laughed at him) the look in his eyes were sincere, genuine, and coming from a good (possibly even great) place.
Two weeks. The course of all of these emotions have submerged me within two weeks.
Showing posts with label I hope I know what I'm getting myself into. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I hope I know what I'm getting myself into. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Fearful.
I can count on my hands the number of times I've been afraid to tell my parents something. It has always been something that I've done, or has been done to me...and it's always been something pretty serious. Most of the time once I finally spilled the beans they were supportive, and if it was something bad they were there once their initial anger left them.
Today, I have something new I'm afraid to tell them, and it's eating me up inside. This thing is different because it also involves both of them. The ironic aspect to my issue, is this thing is really good for me, so I shouldn't be afraid to tell them..but I am.
Last weekend I went to an Al-Anon meeting. My first Al-Anon meeting*. At this meeting, I verbally said my name, then stated I am the daughter of an alcoholic. The words felt really good to finally say out loud. In a way, they felt liberating. I spent my morning listening to others, and the clouds cleared from my head; I am WAY more effected by alcohol and drugs than I had originally believed. I guess you could say I had been living in denial.
The day of the meeting, ironically enough, my mom offered to watch baby boy. It would be the first time she's spent time with him in 2010. Some of you might think "well, it's only March...my parents rarely see my kids". People, my parents live about 15 minutes from me...the only reason my mom hasn't seen my child is because she has chosen to live a selfish life that involves alcohol, work, and more alcohol.
I've tried speaking with her about her drinking habits, and SURPRISE, she gets very defensive. I've tried reasoning with her. I've tried begging her to be a more active role in my son's life. All I hear are excuses masked by what she thinks is reason.
The day after my meeting I stopped by my fathers house. I had every intention of telling him what I had started doing...but I couldn't. Fear of his reactions and judgement paralyzed me. See, a loooong time ago (read: when I was in middle school) I accused HIM of being an alcoholic, and to this day he still reminds me. I don't take back my feelings from back then. I witnessed him putting tonic and scotch into a HUGE enclosed mug. I'm not crazy, I swear. Also, there's that one Christmas, two years ago, where him and my brother both got so pissy drunk that they started verbally attacking me, calling me horrible names...eventually leading to me leaving my dad's house in hysterical tears, I digress (p.s. Thanks Johnny Walker..you Rock).
I think I'm so fearful of telling them because it will stir up emotions, and when people get defensive and feel like they're being judged, they throw judgement right back. I'm hoping that after a couple more meetings I'll have the strength to confront them. I'm hoping.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*Funny story:
Since this was my very first meeting, I was absolutely clueless. I wasn't even sure how to walk into this place (note: it was a HUGE house on a historic street in the city). I was aware that they provided child care during the meetings, so baby boy was with me.
We walked into this house, and I must have had an enormous look of confusion on my face. A man told me to talk with so and so upstairs for childcare...so upstairs we went. I got baby boy settled, told him I would be just outside, and then went to find a seat.
The room was empty aside from a HOT guy..go figure. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I'm sure I looked extremely uncomfortable.
It wasn't until I heard multiple people talking about how long they'd been sober, and that they were drunks that I realized I might be in the wrong place. The room was quickly filling up, but I leaned to the lady next to me, and asked her what meeting I was in. "AA...this is an AA meeting." Son of a drunk, I was in the wrong meeting. I asked her where Ala-non was, politely stood up, and walked DOWNSTAIRS to where my meeting had already started.
It was actually a pretty funny moment.
Today, I have something new I'm afraid to tell them, and it's eating me up inside. This thing is different because it also involves both of them. The ironic aspect to my issue, is this thing is really good for me, so I shouldn't be afraid to tell them..but I am.
Last weekend I went to an Al-Anon meeting. My first Al-Anon meeting*. At this meeting, I verbally said my name, then stated I am the daughter of an alcoholic. The words felt really good to finally say out loud. In a way, they felt liberating. I spent my morning listening to others, and the clouds cleared from my head; I am WAY more effected by alcohol and drugs than I had originally believed. I guess you could say I had been living in denial.
The day of the meeting, ironically enough, my mom offered to watch baby boy. It would be the first time she's spent time with him in 2010. Some of you might think "well, it's only March...my parents rarely see my kids". People, my parents live about 15 minutes from me...the only reason my mom hasn't seen my child is because she has chosen to live a selfish life that involves alcohol, work, and more alcohol.
I've tried speaking with her about her drinking habits, and SURPRISE, she gets very defensive. I've tried reasoning with her. I've tried begging her to be a more active role in my son's life. All I hear are excuses masked by what she thinks is reason.
The day after my meeting I stopped by my fathers house. I had every intention of telling him what I had started doing...but I couldn't. Fear of his reactions and judgement paralyzed me. See, a loooong time ago (read: when I was in middle school) I accused HIM of being an alcoholic, and to this day he still reminds me. I don't take back my feelings from back then. I witnessed him putting tonic and scotch into a HUGE enclosed mug. I'm not crazy, I swear. Also, there's that one Christmas, two years ago, where him and my brother both got so pissy drunk that they started verbally attacking me, calling me horrible names...eventually leading to me leaving my dad's house in hysterical tears, I digress (p.s. Thanks Johnny Walker..you Rock).
I think I'm so fearful of telling them because it will stir up emotions, and when people get defensive and feel like they're being judged, they throw judgement right back. I'm hoping that after a couple more meetings I'll have the strength to confront them. I'm hoping.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*Funny story:
Since this was my very first meeting, I was absolutely clueless. I wasn't even sure how to walk into this place (note: it was a HUGE house on a historic street in the city). I was aware that they provided child care during the meetings, so baby boy was with me.
We walked into this house, and I must have had an enormous look of confusion on my face. A man told me to talk with so and so upstairs for childcare...so upstairs we went. I got baby boy settled, told him I would be just outside, and then went to find a seat.
The room was empty aside from a HOT guy..go figure. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I'm sure I looked extremely uncomfortable.
It wasn't until I heard multiple people talking about how long they'd been sober, and that they were drunks that I realized I might be in the wrong place. The room was quickly filling up, but I leaned to the lady next to me, and asked her what meeting I was in. "AA...this is an AA meeting." Son of a drunk, I was in the wrong meeting. I asked her where Ala-non was, politely stood up, and walked DOWNSTAIRS to where my meeting had already started.
It was actually a pretty funny moment.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Some details.
On the wedding night the alcohol was freely flowing. The mood was overcome with happiness and joy, it was ALMOST surreal. A few shots here, a few more shots there, mixed with some vodka tonics and I was feeling really good.
After realizing Alaska was single, I was more forthcoming in exchanging glances with him. Have I mentioned his eyes gave me the butterflies?!
As the night progressed, he became more comfortable on the dance floor. Before I knew it, we were dancing together....a lot.
The band was very upbeat. They did covers of fun bands from the 80's and 90's...even doing an awesome Santeria cover by Sublime.
The night literally was a whirlwind. I'm convinced mixing large quantities of alcohol with crazy dance moves generated enough heat to push me past my normal intoxication threshold (not to mention my insane intoxication for Alaska, I digress).
I really hope I get a chance to speak with him, because some moments from the night are a bit hazy...like the moment we decided to go back to his hotel room. I have no idea how or who brought that up (it could've been him, but it could've been me...yeah, I've got a bit of a naughty side...).
At the time we disappeared up to his room, I wasn't aware that he was sharing the king-sized bed room with a former hockey teammate....until the door opened when we were smack dab in the middle of a fairly intense make-out session.
Since we were interrupted (and, as far as I was concerned, not finished making out) we did what any heavily intoxicated would do! We locked ourselves in the bathroom. Little did we realize (or care) that the hockey dude and the two girls he brought up to the room to hang out with him were wasted, and would need to pee about every five minutes. We were too focused on each other to notice...and it was awesome.
Unbenounced to us, the three clowns locked out of the bathroom were being very loud and obnoxious. Security was called, and came-a-knockin. The bathroom door was unlocked, and we (the five of us) ended up in the downstairs empty banquet room, where we could be as loud as we wanted to be. It was nice of the hotel to give us a space to be loud, considering the alternative would've been to kick us out altogether.
As we were sitting around, playing poker with naked-man-cards, the two girls who were hanging out became quite offensive, saying horribly rude comments about "ginger's" (apparently that's some sort of slang for a red head...I hadn't heard it before that night, but it didn't take me long to realize that it was mean...and I had the feeling it was directed towards me...), and then made some off the wall comments about politics. I knew I had to get myself out of there, because the last thing I wanted (or needed) was a verbal fist-fight with two incompetent drunks. I put my arms around Alaska, and told him we should go back to the room. He said "in a minute," so I continued to rub his back, holding onto my last bit of patience.
We ended up in his room. I ended up falling for him.
I know, I know....why the eff would I fall for a guy who:
After realizing Alaska was single, I was more forthcoming in exchanging glances with him. Have I mentioned his eyes gave me the butterflies?!
As the night progressed, he became more comfortable on the dance floor. Before I knew it, we were dancing together....a lot.
The band was very upbeat. They did covers of fun bands from the 80's and 90's...even doing an awesome Santeria cover by Sublime.
The night literally was a whirlwind. I'm convinced mixing large quantities of alcohol with crazy dance moves generated enough heat to push me past my normal intoxication threshold (not to mention my insane intoxication for Alaska, I digress).
I really hope I get a chance to speak with him, because some moments from the night are a bit hazy...like the moment we decided to go back to his hotel room. I have no idea how or who brought that up (it could've been him, but it could've been me...yeah, I've got a bit of a naughty side...).
At the time we disappeared up to his room, I wasn't aware that he was sharing the king-sized bed room with a former hockey teammate....until the door opened when we were smack dab in the middle of a fairly intense make-out session.
Since we were interrupted (and, as far as I was concerned, not finished making out) we did what any heavily intoxicated would do! We locked ourselves in the bathroom. Little did we realize (or care) that the hockey dude and the two girls he brought up to the room to hang out with him were wasted, and would need to pee about every five minutes. We were too focused on each other to notice...and it was awesome.
Unbenounced to us, the three clowns locked out of the bathroom were being very loud and obnoxious. Security was called, and came-a-knockin. The bathroom door was unlocked, and we (the five of us) ended up in the downstairs empty banquet room, where we could be as loud as we wanted to be. It was nice of the hotel to give us a space to be loud, considering the alternative would've been to kick us out altogether.
As we were sitting around, playing poker with naked-man-cards, the two girls who were hanging out became quite offensive, saying horribly rude comments about "ginger's" (apparently that's some sort of slang for a red head...I hadn't heard it before that night, but it didn't take me long to realize that it was mean...and I had the feeling it was directed towards me...), and then made some off the wall comments about politics. I knew I had to get myself out of there, because the last thing I wanted (or needed) was a verbal fist-fight with two incompetent drunks. I put my arms around Alaska, and told him we should go back to the room. He said "in a minute," so I continued to rub his back, holding onto my last bit of patience.
We ended up in his room. I ended up falling for him.
I know, I know....why the eff would I fall for a guy who:
- lives in the US, but is literally a COUNTRY away from me
- is basically a drunk hook-up
...Your guess is as good as mine.
All I can tell you for certain is I haven't stopped brainstorming for a way to see or talk with him again.
p.s. whilst laying in the king sized bed together, his former hockey teammate waltzed in, stripped to his boxers, and hopped into bed next to us...UNDER THE COVERS. Yeah...I guess that's how Hockey boys roll...and that's also the main reason why I was unable to exchange numbers with him. Hmph.
p.p.s. is Unbenounced even a word?!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Me.
Like my "About Me" states, I am just a girl looking for a boy to love her...my only difference is I'm a girl plus a toddler. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a father to my little boy, but a man to complete my soul (cheesy, yes).
I have had a rocky dating life, as most single twenty-somethings can attest to. I envy those who meet the person who completes them. I want to be one of those people, but I have standards and am riddled with poor judgement. I tend to want what I can't have. If, by some crazy twist of fate, I get what I want (be it a boys number, a few dates, or even a boyfriend, I usually find an amazing way to muck it up). I haven't been in a relationship in over three years (since before my son was born).
I am going to dedicate Tuesdays to Turning back time. I will start with the beginning of my skewed life with men. Each week, you can look forward to a new story which stays true to the order in which it happened. Tomorrow, I will start with my first kiss (trust me when I say it fits my dating life to a T).
I haven't decided when or how often I will post the other six days of the week...I guess you'll have to stay tuned. I welcome any and all comments so long as you aren't anonymous. If you have an opinion to share, the least you can do is let me know who you are so I have a chance for a follow-up.
I have had a rocky dating life, as most single twenty-somethings can attest to. I envy those who meet the person who completes them. I want to be one of those people, but I have standards and am riddled with poor judgement. I tend to want what I can't have. If, by some crazy twist of fate, I get what I want (be it a boys number, a few dates, or even a boyfriend, I usually find an amazing way to muck it up). I haven't been in a relationship in over three years (since before my son was born).
I am going to dedicate Tuesdays to Turning back time. I will start with the beginning of my skewed life with men. Each week, you can look forward to a new story which stays true to the order in which it happened. Tomorrow, I will start with my first kiss (trust me when I say it fits my dating life to a T).
I haven't decided when or how often I will post the other six days of the week...I guess you'll have to stay tuned. I welcome any and all comments so long as you aren't anonymous. If you have an opinion to share, the least you can do is let me know who you are so I have a chance for a follow-up.
I am going to take the time to explain my past, and also fill you in on what is going on now in my life of a single girl, plus one.
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