I'm Over It.

A few weeks ago I met a man. Of course, the place we met was extremely random (read: my son's fifth birthday party). Of course, I wasn't expecting to meet a man that day. Of course, I was blown away by the attention.

What attention?

Well, looking back it was really nothing...but to a single girl whose past relationships have amounted to crap, it was a lot. A short, sweet email, which culminated in him asking for my number and stating he'd like to buy me coffee.

I was smitten.

I replied with my info, and waited. And waited. Eventually, I received a call from him (but I was in class so I couldn't answer). When I called him back, I got his voicemail, so a message from me saying "hi, tag, you're it" was left, and I continued to wait. The next night I received a text. We decided to meet on Saturday (aka, last night), and that was that...only we hadn't determined a time.

This story ends like all of the rest of my boy stories, which is why this introduction swayed from all of my previous man-troductions....it's one in the same.

He cancelled on me the last minute. Fuck me.

I say Fuck me as sarcastically as possible. I know I wasn't the reason. I know (and had a gut feeling) he had a lot of things going on in his life, and the timing (as right as it's felt the past couple of weeks) was hauntingly off (again, more so on his part than mine).

I'm so drained with men. I'm drained from keeping an open mind for SUCH. A. LONG. TIME...only to still find myself barely surviving single (plus one). I'm drained from becoming excited at new possibilities, only to have said possibilities amount to crap. Sure, I could attempt to be optimistic right now and say "well, this was a positive experience...a man was actually interested in ME for five minutes....and all I did was act myself...yay me!" except my positive energy is damn near close to extinct in my soul.

I want to ugly cry, but I'm sick of crying over men. I know I'm a strong, independent woman. I know I'm far from perfect, but there's a man out there who will be the yin to my yang...for the moment, I'm completely over putting forth any effort. Have I mentioned I'm drained? (yup, sure have...).

I am a full time working, single mother, who is in college...I am happy being a mom. In fact, I LOVE being a mom (although, most days it feels like the most thankless task EVER). I love my job. I love that I'm back in school exercising my brain. Honestly, a man isn't the void in my life....exercise is.

So...long story short...I'm over men, and turning my energy to regaining my physical fitness....that is, until the next man comes along (what? I'm only human!).

I'm effed.

Today marks the start of a wellness challenge in my company. It's pretty cool knowing that your company is willing to fork out money for a program to help their employees get fit (even though they're only doing so to renegotiate lower insurance policies, I digress).

Our program started with a company coming to our office to take initial measurements of height and weight to calculate our BMI. Those participating were then placed on a team and are competing with other office teams to lose weight for cash incentives.

Today, I discovered I would need to lose (brace yourselves..) 70 lbs in order to reach a healthy weight (insert panicky tears here).

How ironic is it that on the first day of this activity, all I want to do is devour a gallon of ice cream?

I'm trying to make healthy choices...really, I am. I've been on a healthier diet kick since March 12th, where I've cut down my dairy consumption significantly, incorporated whole grains, fresh fruit and veggies almost daily, AND haven't eaten red meat, chicken or pork.

Exercise is my arsenic.

I can't find an ounce of motivation to bring me past the point of already feeling to defeated to exercise. OH MAH GAH it is so frustrating.

I know the simple steps to losing weight, but I've never been able to follow through with them.

1. diet
2. exercise
3. diet (meaning, make healthy choices that don't include candy and crap food)

blah blah blah.

My optimism for pulling this off is next to nothing. Granted, I'm not even expecting myself to lose 45 lbs....but for the love of god can something just start clicking for me in terms of weight loss? I'm an expert at packing it on, but have NEVER cut weight.

A little (lot) of help please?

p.s. this post brought to you by the Poor Me Foundation.

My Battle.

Daycare was closed today.

I proactively arranged for baby boy to spend the night at grandma's house.....before you get all "aww, that's sweet of grandma", grandma isn't hanging out with him today. A month ago, grandma's bf (aka, my pseudo step-father) had to have a pacemaker installed, and is forced to sit home for a total of eight weeks while his leeds heal in his heart...it sounds serious, which it kind of is.....but he's completely fine now, with only lifting restrictions....I digress.

When I got home from dropping baby boy off, I had the best intentions of being productive..I swear. Enter the couch, the Olympics and a box of lindor truffles.

I don't know why I started devouring them...but I did. I could literally hear them going straight to the spare tire that seems to have formed around my stomach region... I couldn't stop eating them. One by one. The silky smooth chocolate wanted me, and I wanted it.

And then, I felt sick.

Why did I just eat 12 servings worth of chocolate in one sitting? WHO DOES THIS?! (cough::this chick).

I'm not a little girl in the least, and never have been...but the sulking about being alone and single has got to stop. The emotional unconscious stuffing of my face HAS. TO. STOP.

Anyone have any ideas on how I should turn over a healthier leaf? I've got the tools...but the motivation to work out seems to be non existent. Weight loss is something I've NEVER been successful at (mostly because I was so athletic growing up that I never had to worry about my weight...and after I had baby boy the life of my waistline was never the same).

Fudge.

Dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll fill ya in on why I'm cursing at myself today....

My company is trying to motivate us to be health conscious. In doing so, they established a "weigh-in program." ALL you have to do is be weighed-in during a designated time by a pre-arranged trainer. Seems simple? Yup, it is. The trainer records your weight in confidentiality, and lets my company know if you came four out of five times (but doesn't disclose your weight..that's kept a secret!). You don't have to agree to workout, just to be weighed.

Today was the initial weigh-in.

I'm going to take this time to address a few of my newly acquired enemies (besides the obvious numero uno..the scale).

1. Ranch Dressing - WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO DAMN GOOD BUT ADD SO MANY INCHES TO MY WAISTLINE?!
2. Butter - I swear, I was Paula Dean's twin in a past life.
3. Soda Pop - Seriously..the sweet bubbles get me EVERY TIME. I refuse to drink diet because I feel bloated (go figure) so it's the sugary goodness for this mama.

I am convinced if I can cut these three things out of my diet I'll see results within the blink of an eye. How does this have anything to do with surviving single plus one? A LOT! First, have you seen what the stores market for toddlers to snack on? BB hasn't developed enough of an appetite to make cooking fresh foods worthwhile. I am so horrible at eating leftovers, that I usually stick to smaller frozen foods because I can finish them in one sitting, rather than having to worry about reheating stuff. Also, the less healthy foods are WAY more convenient for me at the end of the day when I am EXHAUSTED.

I have also been emotionally eating a lot lately. Why? Because I'm single, feel like used goods, unloved, overwhelmed, financially on the brink of bankruptcy...you name it! One word: UGH! (I don't care if Ugh isn't a word either...so there!).

I take solace in the fact that I love the office I work in and the company I work for. BB is healthy for the MOST part (except for the usual daycare cold/random ear infections...totally reasonable ailments).

I'm a heart attack away from wagering a war on my three newly found enemies. Hopefully they'll die out with grace and respect!!!!!!!!!!!