Silence

And then there was silence.

I can’t explain the who’s, what’s, where’s, when’s (and most importantly the why’s.  I couldn’t stay away from him.  Sure, I could pretend I did the noble thing and stood my ground, but I didn’t, and I’m not one for pretending.  The selfish urge within me took over, and within a week of not speaking we were back to texting every day.  I honestly can’t even recall HOW it happened (I suppose I could go back in my text-archives…but that just sounds like far too much work).  Long story short; he came, and I compromised me through selfishly allowing myself to sleep with him.  I am still undecided if (or HOW MUCH) I am disappointed in the fact that I didn’t allow myself to walk away and leave things as they were, or if I’m angry at him for pursuing me until he got what he wanted. 

The result of our one sultry night was this; $50.00 spent on “plan b” and our friendship is no more (and neither is our scandalous relationship).  

Truth; a large part of me is relieved.  He had more baggage than I think I could have physically or mentally handled.  He disclosed to me he had been having suicidal thoughts the past couple of months, and whether he said that to foster sympathy or if it was actually the truth is still up in the air….but another reason why I’m flooded with relief that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. 

Second truth:  I’m still a bit bummed even though the cons of our relationship/friendship/situation was stressful, wrong, and more emotional baggage than I could physically handle, I’m bummed I compromised me in the process of trying to open myself up again.  Does this mean I’m not ready or capable of finding and beginning a healthy relationship because I couldn’t stand my ground with him, or does this mean he just wasn’t the right one?  I’m uncertain of the answer.

I don’t want to give up, but I feel like it would be the easiest thing to do in terms of finding love beyond what I have with my small family of two.  

The last time we saw each other he left his watch at my place; he’s now texting me to get it back.  The good side of me wants to give it to my neighbor (who works with him), and be done….but there’s another part within me that wants to flip him the bird and tell him to piss off.  The third little bit inside of me wants me to get it fixed (because did I mention his watch is BROKEN), just to spite him and show him that I’m a good person who does the right thing, and that he can’t have me….(which, let’s be real…sounds even crazier than this man actually is).  

Eff.

I don’t know what to do, what the right answer is, or what tomorrow is going to look like.  Trying to surrender control is so damn hard.  I’m still trying to decipher what I’ve learned from this entire situation, and at the same time regret the entire situation even happened.

Cheers.

2010 was a stellar year for me. I decided at the end of 2009 to dedicate 2010 to me...and that's exactly what I did.

• I took myself to the spa, pampering myself with a massage, manicure, facial, hair cut and some new hair color.
• I booked my very first "family vacation" for myself and baby boy.
• I wore dresses in the summer.
• I had people over for bbq's.
• I made new friendships.
• I weened myself away from unhealthy relationships,
• I took a mini road trip to the north shore, a place I had never explored before.
• I sorted out my past school financial crap, trudged through the muck, and am now a college student for the third time in my life.
• I worked on me, myself and I, doing my best to make sure I was and am the person I want to be.

2010 really was a fantastic year for me....Here's to hoping the same, and at the risk of being selfish, here's to hoping for more in 2011.

Happy New Year.

A Different Perspective

He said "maybe I just need a steady girlfriend."* My jaw dropped. It was the first time (I can remember) actually hearing a guy say he "needed a girlfriend."

I don't know if it's me, the people I hang out with, or the area I live...but I rarely (if ever) hear men saying they need a woman in their life. Sure, guys want sex...but a wanting a relationship, never.

Most of this kind of talk is done between girls (totally stereotypical, I know). I guess it was comforting to hear, firsthand, that wanting a relationship can (and does) go both ways.


*note: The He I'm referring to is a friend from high school...who also happened to date a good friend of mine a year ago. This did NOT bode well between the two of them...for that and a couple other reasons, I see the two of us only being friends.

p.s. can I use enough of these ( ) in my post today (insert rolling eyes at myself here).

The end of the night.

My stomach ached from long, deep belly laughs. The kind that cleanses your soul. We had walked across the street to partake in a delicious treat of cheese curds (also the kind that warm your soul). Myself, B, and my guy friend E were the three sole survivors of the birthday evening.

A little background...
B has a boyfriend. They are happy, and I am happy for them. B was the sober cab for the night, although she had a couple drinks herself.

E is single, and has been for a while.

At the last bar sitting in a booth I was on one side, B and E were on the other....then it happened. E was sticking his hand on B's leg. B had a look on her face that read "ummmm....seriously?!" My inebriated state called him out immediately.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU KNOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!" The alcohol wouldn't allow me to bottle my frustration.

"Yes, I am well aware" was his immediate response.

My blood boiled.

Now, I know nobody is perfect...however, his response struck a deep nerve with me. A very deep nerve.

See, they're both my friends, just not yet friends with each other. I'm sorry...call me conservative...but if you KNOW someone is in a relationship, you DON'T TRY AND HOOK UP WITH THEM.

Like I said...my birthday, all in all, was a huge success...this was the only blip of the night, and a small blip at that.

I haven't quite decided if I should say anything to E...in fact, I really don't think I'll speak with him for a while, because I follow my mom's golden rule (especially when I'm sober):

"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Thoughts from an anal, single 27 year old.

I lay alone, naked, except for my blanket, pillow, small radio and battery operated friend who keep me company. I lay there thinking, yearning really, for a man to be next to me...and then for a brief moment selfishness sweeps over my body.

Do I really want a man to hog the covers?
Do I really want someone to complain about my snoring?
Do I really want to have to tiptoe in the morning because he doesn't have to wake up until 8 or vice versa?

Truth: Yes and No.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life has been really decent lately. I'm still dedicating 2010 to me, and finding myself having small extra peps in my step. Don't get me wrong, life isn't perfect. I am sick of being alone....and the truth at how alone I am is apparent when there are people whom I would call friends who pretty much refuse to make an effort to spend a night on the town with me because they're dating a new guy.

Can I blame them? Not really.

Tonight I'm planning on going out on the town. The night has two great potentials:

1. Trouble.
2. A major disappointment.

Trouble, because I know I'm going to be drinking. A. Lot. I haven't been out drinking since the night before Thanksgiving. My tolerance isn't what it used to be (read:21st birthday including 17 shots in a five hour time period). I've been eager to go out on the town for a while, and have a feeling I might just do or say something that I'll regret.

A major disappointment because I'm worried the mood/atmosphere will be lame. Although, a good friend of mine reminded me that you can't control if other people have fun, you can only control yourself...and while this is true, I always seem to stress if I feel that others aren't having a good time. Certain people aren't coming out which also bums me out (and if they do happen to show up I'm afraid I might be rude to them for being snarky in the first place). Certain people have early morning plans tomorrow, so I'm worried they won't let loose like they would've on another occasion. Certain people don't know each other because I'm friends with different groups of people. This creates a bit of awkward tension because I know everyone is nice...they just don't open up and it kind of sucks.

I know what you're thinking. I'm reading into this WAY TOO MUCH, right? Well...woe is me. I'm a bit of a control freak I suppose. Maybe it's high time I just let go and let the night happen. Maybe.

Jealousy much?

Whenever my single friends start dating someone, I'm swept with a wave of jealousy. Sure, I'm happy for them, but the jealous feeling creeps into my gut and I KNOW it spews out through my tone.

What's my deal? Yes, I want it to be MY turn..but I think it goes a little deeper than that.

When my single friends start dating one (read: all) of the following runs through my head:

1. Great, that's one less person for me to hang out with.
2. I wonder if their new guy is going to dislike me...?
3. I really want it to be my turn.
4. I'm so happy you FOUND A GOOD PERSON!! (I wanna find a good guy..)
5. Why are you with this person, they sound like a tool!

I try to be completely honest with my friends, and have come to the point where I actually immediately apologize when they tell me how great their current guy is...because I know I don't sound happy (even though, happiness is one of the five things I'm probably feeling).

Recently, I had a discussion with a good friend of mine. Basically, she tried telling me the classic "You meet someone when you stop looking" line of bs. I initially bit my tongue because she never stopped looking or wanting to find a good guy herself.....and then I opened my mouth and told her to "stop trying to down talk her new relationship, I know you didn't stop looking or wanting, and that's how you found him...so be happy, alright?"

ANYWAYS...the point of my rant is this:

I want it to be my turn, but I'm not losing sleep over it. I really AM excited for when I find a guy who will laugh with me, and also let me lean on him when I need a bit of support.

A New Beginning?

When people switch on survival mode, they do desperate things. Born the phrase "desperate times call for desperate measures".

I have done something desperate. In an effort to rectify my financial stress from being the "sole provider" for myself and my son, I applied for a different job.

I'm so afraid I've done the wrong thing...but at the same time I'm excited I've done the right thing.

See, I love love love love love the current company I work with. (Enter the but) But....I feel like I could do more, and when it comes down to it, I feel like I should be making more money. Each biweekly pay period I dwindle my checking account down to mere cents. It's stressful. It sucks. I need it to change for the sake of my sanity.

During my first session, I was asked if I could wish for one thing, what would it be? I smirked because the answer that IMMEDIATELY popped into my head felt selfish, although it's mostly selfless.

I wished for a winning lottery ticket.

I went onto explain how a winning lottery ticket would positively affect myself and my son. I would not have to worry (as much) about my checking account balance. I could afford a house with a fenced in yard for myself and baby boy. I would be able to entertain friends on a more frequent basis. I'd be able to meet friends out for dinner more often. These things would make me elated...and a happy mom translates to a happy baby boy.

When my friend forwarded me an open position that entailed a position with a (rather large) pay increase, I was EXTREMELY intrigued. (Re-Enter the But) But...the position was at a company where I knew someone. This someone was a person who had been laid off from my current company. This someone was very close with many people in my office. This someone would most likely find out that I applied for this position, and I could also see this someone telling my current company about my application.

What to do?!

After mulling over my options (literally) all day...I did it. To ease my doubts about my application, I added a clause to my cover letter that acknowledged the ties between my new employer and my current employer, appreciating their confidentiality.

Honestly, I doubt I'll get the position (which was another huge reason why I was apprehensive about risking my current employer finding out...I mean, why risk it when it's not a sure thing??). The new position requires an associates degree plus five years managerial experience (which I don't have either...boo me)...but again...I felt like I HAD to try.

Here's to hoping my new venture stays confidential.... And if it doesn't, here's to hoping I have the strength to cope with the consequences!

Jealous. Resentful. Sexually frustrated.

Those are three not-so-positive things that seem to be encompassing my mood lately.

B$, a longtime friend of mine, has met the man of her dreams. They met three weeks ago, and in that time they've become a dreaded "we."

In case you're unfamiliar, a "we" person is one whose identity shifts from being independent, to being completely dependent. Instead of making independent decisions, a "we" person replaces the word "I" with "we." Friends ignore phone calls because they're spending time talking (non-stop) with their new beau. Plans are left up in the air because they aren't quite sure if the "we" has made a prior commitment...you get my drift? Yeah, it's not so much fun for those of us (read:ME) who aren't included in the "we."

Prior to meeting Mr. Right, B$ had been single all of nine months. In that time, the two of us related the way only single girls know how....we went out to group happy hours together, chatted, and would spontaneously hang out because everyone around us were in a relationships....

Now-a-days, I feel like I've lost a friend to the world of the "relationship"..and it's totally bumming me out.

Granted, this has nothing to do with my sexual frustration which is inevitable because woe is me.

I'm jealous that she became a "we", abandoning one of her long-time single friends*. I'm resentful that my life choices have lead me to becoming a single mother sans Mr. Right.

I've always been a hopeless romantic..but these days I'm beginning to become more and more hopeless...sans the romance. There's still a light inside of me that knows it'll be my turn, soon enough. I can't help but witness the light fade, ever so slightly, with each day that passes.

*something that torments me is I'm actually VERY happy for her...I'm just disgruntled at the time being because adjusting to a change like this is tough for me to digest.

Random Blabberings...

Allergies are really cramping my style (not really, but mostly). The weekend was marvelously beautiful...and what did this chick do about it? Nothing. She did laundry, watched a few movies from the redbox, and sat idly alone (and by alone I mean just myself and baby boy). It was a (much needed) quiet weekend. I attempted to make plans with people last Thursday, but was met with resistance. So, in lieu of harassing calling people continuously, I just did my thang (e.g. laundry, cooking, KIND OF cleaning, watching movies after baby boy was in bed).

Now, I'm not complaining in the least (well, that's a bit of a lie, because I AM), but I don't like not having things to do, or people to hang out with. I'm fairly certain the highlight of my weekend was a spontaneous call from B$ around 9:15 on Sunday night asking if she could swing by. My place was a mess, but I welcomed the company.

I get slightly bummed when I find out via shut-your-facebook that those I asked to hang out prior to the weekend had made plans with one another and excluded me. (read: smallest violin player playing the saddest song just.for.me).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, I'm over it.

Guess this girl is gonna keep fakin it until I make it (or at least until I find a group of people who like me, just as I am....).


p.s. Kind of still wish I could hear from Alaska...hmph.

Daddy.

The boys of my past have forced my mind to churn into overdrive.

Why haven't I been able to find Mr. Right instead of always settling with Mr. Right Now?

Why do I get so hung up on Mr. Right Now?

Am I REALLY psycho-chick that most men typically avoid?

...and the list goes on.

I realized that I've always been lacking one key component of my life. An attentive father. Don't get me wrong, I know my dad has a great heart and I know he loves me...he just has a HORRIBLE way of showing it (as far as I'm concerned).

A little bit about him (since I can tell you're all DYING to know)...

• He's a Vietnam vet, where he did a few tours, and drove a tank
• His own father died of a heart attack when my dad was seven
• He's a twin (paternal)
• I'm fairly certain he has OCD, and it always takes mysterious forms like photography, golf, tai kwon do, etc.
• He is the first man in his family (along with his twin) to live to see his 60th birthday
• He used to be obsessed with being a great father...then he moved onto to something else.

My father has a difficult time expressing his emotions. I think that's why I'm so darn emotional! I've felt compelled to spew emotion in the hopes of getting something back in return (which I think is kind of sad, I digress).

SO...Fast forward to present day....Along comes a man. He seems interested in me, and I give him the "do me eyes" and it's a done deal....for one night. I really need to work on forcing a man to work. I need to have more confidence that all men are NOT like my father. Some men actually will talk to me for more than just one night...I know it to be true because I've seen it happen with other girlfriends of mine...girlfriends who are now married.

So yeah..that's probably more about my mentally effed up mind than you would care to know...since when am I one to hold back? Never.

I feel defeated.

In terms of being a single person, I feel completely defeated. I always seem to attract losers, and nary get an a call from someone I know saying they've met someone for me. This makes me sad. I don't know how to put myself out there for the good guys to find me. I am clueless.

I sit, and watch most of the single people I know. They have dated so many more people than I have. Shared so many more experiences. They've been the one that men eye first. While I'm happy for their experiences, I sit and wonder "why can't that be me?"

It's not that I want someone to do the work for me, but I want to be the one that men desire to be with. It's been a looooooong time since I've felt desired by a man about five plus years in all honesty). I can't figure out what I'm doing to deter men from wanting to get to know me, or wanting to hang out with me.

I miss the feeling of a man's touch.

I miss feeling needed and wanted in a passionate way.

I feel as if I need a dating coach to teach me how to attract Mr. Right. Sad, isn't it? I don't understand why I don't feel wired to be attractive. Maybe my self doubt comes from years of watching others find their special someone...while I sit in the background alone.

I know I've said that I'm happy with my life, and I am. I feel like I have old wounds reopened and salt poured into them everytime I meet a single guy, and find out a week later that said single guy has started dating someone I know. It sucks because it seems to happen about once a month, and as happy as I am for my friends, I'm ready for it to be my turn.