Silence

And then there was silence.

I can’t explain the who’s, what’s, where’s, when’s (and most importantly the why’s.  I couldn’t stay away from him.  Sure, I could pretend I did the noble thing and stood my ground, but I didn’t, and I’m not one for pretending.  The selfish urge within me took over, and within a week of not speaking we were back to texting every day.  I honestly can’t even recall HOW it happened (I suppose I could go back in my text-archives…but that just sounds like far too much work).  Long story short; he came, and I compromised me through selfishly allowing myself to sleep with him.  I am still undecided if (or HOW MUCH) I am disappointed in the fact that I didn’t allow myself to walk away and leave things as they were, or if I’m angry at him for pursuing me until he got what he wanted. 

The result of our one sultry night was this; $50.00 spent on “plan b” and our friendship is no more (and neither is our scandalous relationship).  

Truth; a large part of me is relieved.  He had more baggage than I think I could have physically or mentally handled.  He disclosed to me he had been having suicidal thoughts the past couple of months, and whether he said that to foster sympathy or if it was actually the truth is still up in the air….but another reason why I’m flooded with relief that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. 

Second truth:  I’m still a bit bummed even though the cons of our relationship/friendship/situation was stressful, wrong, and more emotional baggage than I could physically handle, I’m bummed I compromised me in the process of trying to open myself up again.  Does this mean I’m not ready or capable of finding and beginning a healthy relationship because I couldn’t stand my ground with him, or does this mean he just wasn’t the right one?  I’m uncertain of the answer.

I don’t want to give up, but I feel like it would be the easiest thing to do in terms of finding love beyond what I have with my small family of two.  

The last time we saw each other he left his watch at my place; he’s now texting me to get it back.  The good side of me wants to give it to my neighbor (who works with him), and be done….but there’s another part within me that wants to flip him the bird and tell him to piss off.  The third little bit inside of me wants me to get it fixed (because did I mention his watch is BROKEN), just to spite him and show him that I’m a good person who does the right thing, and that he can’t have me….(which, let’s be real…sounds even crazier than this man actually is).  

Eff.

I don’t know what to do, what the right answer is, or what tomorrow is going to look like.  Trying to surrender control is so damn hard.  I’m still trying to decipher what I’ve learned from this entire situation, and at the same time regret the entire situation even happened.