I Shake My Fist

Here's my qualm with online dating....

It makes me lose hope.

One second I feel like I can do this dating thing. I feel like any man would be lucky to have me in their life. I take this confidence, and reapproach the online dating world...and I'm always met with rejection.

I've been trying my hand in the dating world for almost three years. I resorted to online dating because I've been stuck at home 99% of my evenings due to being a single parent. Key words: single parent (single->want a man in my life. parent-> man repellent).

I've gone back and forth about including the single parent label in my online dating profile. I want men to get to know me for me....but at the same time, when I've excluded this information I feel as if I've mislead these men due to their response (which almost ALWAYS entails "oh" followed by awkward silence followed by the sudden halt of emails/contact).

Most recently, when I was overtaken by the urge to start backup in the online dating world, I felt confident I would find decent, upstanding, responsible, respectable men. What have I found? All of the above...there's just one little bitty issue....None of them are interested in me. Nada.

How do I know this? Because my inbox is continuously flooded with "Keep looking, he's just not interested in you." In the words of Tony the Tiger...that's Grrrrrrrrrrrreat (insert an insane amount of sarcasm here).

My faith in finding mr. right was questioned intensely today when a man I've had a semi crush on for a while happened to stumble on my profile. Now, this is a man with whom has dated two girls that I know (one of which I set him up with because he's a great guy, she is a great girl, and I wanted them both to be happy...turns out, they didn't click).

I'm tired. It's late. I've been back in the online dating world for three days and I've already lost hope. I can't stop thinking about wanting a man in my life and I'm absolutely convinced this want is driving me crazy. I'm off to sleep now, where I'll most certainly dream of what it feels like to be touched...because lord knows dreaming is as close as this mama is going to get for a long, long time (insert eeyore tone here).

Ring of Fire

Some days, I walk around with an air of pride because I am a mom. In a way, it is a badge that states: "I was good/hot/sexy enough for a man to have sex with me."

Today, I walk around with a burden that is becomes heavier each time it comes around. You see, I don't have the almighty wedding ring, nor am I anywhere near to acquiring one. Mainly because I'm obviously not dating anyone, and really have no potential suitors in my near future.

Why do I think being married is Almighty? Because, I envision my non-existent marriage to be with someone who completes me...who makes me a better person, and who is willing to have sex with me 24-7...no questions asked.

Yes, I skipped out on the marriage before the kid...but that doesn't make me any less qualified to be an amazing wife. If anything, it proves to a man that I'd make a(n) great alright mom. I've willingly accepted the fact that I am no longer the highest thing/person on my priority list 9 times out of 10.

I'm not one of those women who needs to get married NOW...but I'm definitely a girl who day dreams about the day mr. right walks into her life...and also of a day where I can say goodbye to mr. right-now.

I look at men and women who wear wedding rings and envy them. They've found the person who completes them (at least, that's what I tell myself). Their lives may not be picturesque, but it's a pretty intense thing to verbally, emotionally and even sometimes spiritually commit yourself to another being....to me, it's powerful and something I strive for.

My heart hopes it happens sooner than later...because all of these lonely nights after baby boy is in bed are sure starting to pay their toll on me.

Thoughts and Musings

I've been doing a bit of reflecting about whether or not I'm putting too much of my past out there for the eyes of the public to ingest. Sometimes, I worry that if I disclose too much, I will make myself an easy target should anyone I know in real life discover I am the author of such a riddled past.

I take comfort in knowing that the past is the past. I will write about it. I will embrace its facts. I will understand that it helps make me who I am today...but I will also sleep peacefully knowing I have grown from my mistakes. I have opened my eyes to red-flag situations, and I will continue to do so. I will continue to laugh as if nobody is watching. I will keep my eyes focused on reaching for the moon....because I know I'll end up amongst the stars

(and I will stop with the cheesy metaphoric quotes and sayings from here on out...maybe.)

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I'm either uber paranoid...or my son is far beyond his years. I am under the impression that he resents me for not having a father figure in his life. Somehow, his actions and attitudes seem to hold a lot of frustration, and him proclaiming "nope" when I ask him to do a simple task...mirroring a teenager saying "eff you mom" through his smug little attitude. Baby Boy is living on his looks right now...but Mama is hanging on by a thread. There are so many "boy tendencies" I wish he had a father around for...

FOR EXAMPLE:
We were sitting on the couch together, watching the Amazing Race, and I busted BB playing with himself. I swear to god he had a baby boner. Think what you may, but WTF am I supposed to do about this?!?! Seriously! I didn't think boys were supposed to do this kind of stuff until they were teens...let alone in FRONT OF THEIR MOTHERS!

I'm befuddled.

The kicker was, he got really upset with me when I told him NOT to touch himself. I probably handled the entire situation wrong..but seriously, I'm new at this "2.5 yo boy touching himself" thing. Do I have an overly horny toddler? Is this honestly normal? What's a single mom to do???

I'm a second away from throwing my hands in the air and shouting "I GIVE UP!"

The Beginnings of Country Boy

Being back in the saddle is very fitting for my current dating situation. I started communicating with ANOTHER guy via eharmony.

Short story: He sent me a short icebreaker message, I responded by saying "Let's skip the hoops and start talking via email." We started talking, sent a handful of emails back and forth, and spoke on the phone for the first time last night...for THREE HOURS.

I'm a girl. I like talking. I really like talking on the phone. However, I'm a bit nervous that we spent too much time on the phone before we actually have met each other face to face. Maybe that's the traditionalist in me? I don't know, we'll see.

He was (obviously) a very nice guy. He's also tall (6'3), and has a very rugged Italian look (at least his profile pics do...). He was also very open with me....open about stuff the guys I know RARELY talk about. He spoke of where he grew up (Northern MN) and what type of life he wanted to find for himself (large family, living in the north woods, enjoying life, etc.).

Country Boy (CB) was also very open about marriage. At one point, he clarified his marriage and baby talk wasn't necessarily speaking of us...but his words were somewhat refreshing to me. They were refreshing because guys my age cringe about admitting they want to get married, live in a house and have children...CB embraced it. I'm not saying my flags were going up...but I'll admit he seems a bit too good to be true.

We have a lunch date set for Tuesday... You can bet your bottom dollar I'll fill you in, good OR bad!! :-)

Back in the Saddle...

Again.

With the eradication of TB from my life, I decided to (not only) take time to enjoy BB and the single life, but I also did something completely hypocritical and started seriously looking at some of my online dating candidates. I've began talking with a few.

I'm afraid I've become a bit cynical towards opening my life up though. Hopefully this saddle won't prove to be as bumpy of a ride as TB was. I'm sure I'll land on my feet, either way :-) That's the only choice I've got, really.