Wednesday, September 11, 2013

It's not a tumor...or is it?

Confidence is key.  Key to being happy or pretending you're happy (even when you aren't).  I'm doing my best to fake my happiness until it becomes my truthful reality.  I slap a smile on every single day, make conversations with those around me, never ceasing to add my own sarcastically witty humor at every moment I get.  I often wonder just how long I'm going to have to fake it until it really does become my reality?

The text message makes conversations far too easy...that and I have a damn hard time controlling my impulses; especially after I've had a few drinks.  In thinking back, my lack of impulse control is exactly what got me into the married dude debacle in the first place!

The way he made me feel still seems unbelievable; a falacy at best.  I am still recovering from the pain of realizing his words, words I had only dreamed about being told, were empty yet riddled with ulterior motives.  I don't know if I'll ever understand why this has affected me so deeply; but since I'm staying honest and true to myself I would only be lying if I said that it didn't.

Words can be such a powerful thing; getting emotions involved and you've entered a new ballpark.  Add the fact that most of today's society communicates SOLEY via written text (in the gloriously disgusting form of text messages) and I firmly believe we've entered a new universe.  Text leaves tone and non verbals completely to be decided upon by the receiver of the text.  There's no clear cut way of conveying tone in your message via text; sure, you could TRY to insert an emoticon (which I'm GUILTY OF DOING EVERY SINGLE DAY), but it's still not the same.  Perhaps that's why I feel stuck in an old-school mentality; I yearn to hear a person's voice, intonations, and hear their emotion in messages they're sending my way...particularly when it's someone I'm interested in.

For about a week I had been great about not responding to him.  A long, consuming week....but then some drinks were had and before I knew it I found myself sobbing on my couch hanging onto every single text he was sending my way, and promptly responding.  How do I cut him out of my life for good, to make room for other men who might be everything I've hoped for and more?  Is he a good distraction so, in the event I find such an amazing person, I don't overwhelm them and say too much too soon?

It doesn't help that not only do we have to fight with text messaging, but we have Facebook.  OF COURSE I'm Facebook friends with married guy.  OF COURSE he constantly "likes" things I post and comments almost daily.  OF COURSE HE DOES.  I'm beginning to fear he is like a cancer....growing ever more present in my life, yet toxic at the same time. 

3 comments:

Lifting What? said...

You don't share a lot in regards to his background.

Is he married but separated? Or is he full on still married.

If he is still married then I would say you should value yourself more than being someone's number two..these things so so rarely end well. So often so many people get hurt. Be careful. Tell him that once he has his own place and left his wife, you are willing to entertain it ;)

Lifting What? said...

Also: Unfriend him :) From Facebook. Don't torture yourself or self-punish waiting for him to pop up and like something. Unfriend. With a quickness.

SS+1 said...

Hi Lifting What?,
I suppose I should do a better job at explaining his background; he's in a very unhealthy marriage, and is celebrating his 11-year anniversary this month. He has a 4 and 7 year old, and my gut is SCREAMING he hasn't said a word about wanting a divorce to his wife. Why do I call his marriage unhealthy? Because I know first hand he admitted to having a 2-year affair roughly five years ago...he confessed, but has since resumed an online dating profile and has met a few people. His side of the story is him and his wife are "out of love" because too many hurtful things have been said by both. My instincts are shouting that he's extremely co-dependent, and to run for the hills (which I'm in the midst of doing).

Thank you so much for your comment!!