Confidence is key. Key to being happy or pretending you're happy (even when you aren't). I'm doing my best to fake my happiness until it becomes my truthful reality. I slap a smile on every single day, make conversations with those around me, never ceasing to add my own sarcastically witty humor at every moment I get. I often wonder just how long I'm going to have to fake it until it really does become my reality?
The text message makes conversations far too easy...that and I have a damn hard time controlling my impulses; especially after I've had a few drinks. In thinking back, my lack of impulse control is exactly what got me into the married dude debacle in the first place!
The way he made me feel still seems unbelievable; a falacy at best. I am still recovering from the pain of realizing his words, words I had only dreamed about being told, were empty yet riddled with ulterior motives. I don't know if I'll ever understand why this has affected me so deeply; but since I'm staying honest and true to myself I would only be lying if I said that it didn't.
Words can be such a powerful thing; getting emotions involved and you've entered a new ballpark. Add the fact that most of today's society communicates SOLEY via written text (in the gloriously disgusting form of text messages) and I firmly believe we've entered a new universe. Text leaves tone and non verbals completely to be decided upon by the receiver of the text. There's no clear cut way of conveying tone in your message via text; sure, you could TRY to insert an emoticon (which I'm GUILTY OF DOING EVERY SINGLE DAY), but it's still not the same. Perhaps that's why I feel stuck in an old-school mentality; I yearn to hear a person's voice, intonations, and hear their emotion in messages they're sending my way...particularly when it's someone I'm interested in.
For about a week I had been great about not responding to him. A long, consuming week....but then some drinks were had and before I knew it I found myself sobbing on my couch hanging onto every single text he was sending my way, and promptly responding. How do I cut him out of my life for good, to make room for other men who might be everything I've hoped for and more? Is he a good distraction so, in the event I find such an amazing person, I don't overwhelm them and say too much too soon?
It doesn't help that not only do we have to fight with text messaging, but we have Facebook. OF COURSE I'm Facebook friends with married guy. OF COURSE he constantly "likes" things I post and comments almost daily. OF COURSE HE DOES. I'm beginning to fear he is like a cancer....growing ever more present in my life, yet toxic at the same time.