Thursday, September 26, 2013

Time to wait.

Being touched, wanted, feeling feelings you thought were extinct.  That's what and how he made me feel.  That's the reason why I allowed the cycle to continue.  Purely selfish.  (obviously).  And no different did I allude to getting burned from playing with fire, just that happened; I was burned.

I'm the only one to blame.  My selfishness overcame me.  I was sick of being patient for the right man to come along, instead, I decided to grab a man who kept saying and doing all of the right things.  I believed him when he said he had filed the divorce papers.  I allowed myself to get lost in his arms.  I felt such a strong, sexual connection with him, and still do (which makes me sick and upset with myself even more so).  I want to give myself the beating of a lifetime for allowing my heart to fall for him, when my head (and everyone around me) shouted at me to run in the opposite direction.

Dammit, I wanted it to be my turn so badly, I was willing to overlook the obvious red flags.  The things he has said to me, most of which I have never been told in my life, and some of them things I hadn't heard in a decade.

Blisters on my heart are festering right now.  Oozing the pain of coming to the realization that everything he's told me has been a lie.

His wife loves him.

I've seen things with my own eyes today, and although I tried my hardest to protect my heart, last night I slipped and decided to throw caution to the wind.  Last night I broke down the wall and let him in; he said "I love you" three times.  Kissing my passionately.  Touching me, and pulling me close.

Today, this afternoon; I realized how I had just been burned.  Played.  Used.  And in those words of being told to let down my wall, and encouraged to trust, I find a nauseous pit at the bottom of my stomach.  Ugly-crying, sobbing, hitting a pillow...not one of those actions comes close to letting out my rage and disappointment in myself right now.

I'm going back to waiting for my turn; I'm not about to take someone's away from them.  What good would that make me?  What kind of karma would wrap around and bite me in the ass?  I'm not that kind of person.  Thinking about this past weekend makes me queasy.  The emotions that have left my body...emotions I forgot I even had, now leave me sitting empty and numb.  Waiting my turn.  Yeah.  That's exactly what I need to do.

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