Hope.

I've got a confession to make. In lieu of putting myself on a strict anti-spending budget I was duped into spending roughly 60 dollars this weekend...on match.com. I know why I did it, and it really is a pathetic reason.

Hope.

I'm still in a dating lull. I don't have friends setting me up or introducing me to new people, and I rarely have the opportunity to venture out on my own to meet men.

I dabbled on this website over a year ago, and to no avail was not matched with any blog-worthy dates. I just don't see what my other options are aside from staying single..and between you and me, I miss the feel, smell and taste of a man.

I've had many profile hits too...but on my match profile I've been very upfront about being a single mom, including a couple of pics of myself and my son at sporting events...I've immediately been met with resistance because here in Minnesota, you've got to be perfect (read no children) to be deemed datable.

At first my hope of finding a great man or two to date via this website was strong. I had over 300 profile views in three days...

Now that I've received a handful of "thanks but no thanks" emails, my hope has dwindled a bit. On Saturday night, I found myself watching a chick flick alone. I cried when I saw the characters on my television find love, because I want that for myself and I'm so afraid I'll never find it.

We'll see where my match.com adventure will take me. At the very least, I'm sure it will give me some great blog-spiration!

Warsh

I did laundry in my bathtub last night.

Why? Because this mama is BRIZOKE!

It was actually kind of fun*! I had baby boy pile up the clothes we needed to wash. (He got extremely excited when the bubbles began forming in the tub). We soaked the clothes in the soapy water for about an hour...then I "agitated them" for ten minutes, rinsed...allowed them to soak in fresh, non-soapy water, then wrung them out as best I could, placing the clothes on hangers hanging in my bathroom. Yeah, it sucked. Did I mention this was a free alternative to the laundry room? Oh YEAH**! (I'm that sad and pathetic).

I had been thinking of the tub laundry approach for about a week. My laundry has really began piling up, and I'm too cheap to do anything about it. It wasn't until I heard someone refer to doing laundry in their bath tub that I felt validated enough to try it out for myself. I think it will work better once it's warm outside, so the clothes will actually DRY overnight instead of remaining very damp after 8+ hours of hanging.

*I feel like I'm living the life of a poor wench from 1902.
**I'm so cool that I'm high-fiving myself. Don't be jealous.

Danger

Introducing Danger (or D).

Whenever we converse, I feel an immense amount of physical sexual tension. I haven't quite been able to pinpoint where it comes from, but it's there. Maybe it's because D is so mystic. It could be the constant 5pm shadow, D's musical talents, or the fact that I know he's a bad boy and the only need he would fulfill would be solely physical (I know this, because I've had lengthy discussions with him, I digress).

He abuses drugs and alcohol (like I said, he's a bad boy, although I've been down that road and refuse to go back).
He's a non conformist. It makes me laugh.
I can tell D's heart wants to give, but I know he will refuse it the liberty to do so.
Although this man lives far, far away and we've never met in person, I know he's dangerous for me. I get excited and fearful for what would happen should we ever actually meet.

There's something about him that electrifies my innards. I am beginning to realize I want him because I know I cannot have him.

A night I want to erase.

I took a break from alcohol for the month of march. I had fun without spending unnecessary money. I remembered the details of entire evenings, and I did it all sober.

It's not that I have a problem with alcohol. The break was to prove to myself that I don't have issues with it.

On Saturday I was invited to go out with a friend of mine, and company she had visiting from out of town. The day before, I was informed the company was a lesbian couple. I don't understand why she felt the need to tell me that, because I would not have cared less. I felt a little uncomfortable with the situation of just the four of us kicking it...but decided to meet the pair before passing judgement. Honestly, their sexual orientation was NONE of my business.

When I met up with them to grab a quick bite before we went out, I was jovial. One of the girls was very talkative and comfortable, as was my friend...but one was oddly quiet. Since this was my first time drinking, I tried making the most of the situation, but I'd be lying if I told you I was comfortable.

The four of us headed back to my friend's place, and proceeded to mix up cocktails. Late in the evening we decided to walk to the watering hole just down the road, and have some shots and chill. Walking in, I ran into a kid I went to high school with. He was a dick in high school and things hadn't changed. I tried saying hello, and he shrugged me off. His loss I suppose!

We sat at the same table I had been at on the last day of February. I looked around, and the same guy I hit on the last day of February was there. In a nutshell, I had made an ass of myself the last time I was at this place, and should've known the guy was going to be there, I digress.

I ordered us a round of shots, brought them to the table, and EVERYONE turned their nose up to them. Yes, the bartender had effed the shots up and they were heavy on Crown, but WHO CARES! They were shots, we were drinking. My feelings were hurt that I was the only one who took the shot, not to mention I was already inebriated, which intensified my internal pity party even more.

I continue to browse the bar crowd, and who do I see but the guy I made out with the last time I drank..ya know...on the last day of February when I was on a roll. Not only had I made out with this guy, but I had given him my number and he never called me. Burn.

When I saw him, he actually knew the majority of the people at the bar. I was completely taken aback, sitting there while he walked around shaking people's hands and saying hello. You see, (not that it matters) when I had met him just over a month earlier at the same establishment he was sitting quiet, not talking to anyone. Picking the same bar I had met him at seemed like a safe bet for me (not that i was avoiding him...but I didn't NEED to see him). I felt like a tool.

My mood was intensified when I had a verbal spat with my friend , in front of her company. It was mis-communication on both of our parts...and it didn't help the stellar night I was having. At. All.

Since I was drunk, I wanted to smoke because it's the ONLY time I can smoke...weird, I know. Nobody in my group smoked, so I had to go up to Make-Out boy and bum one from him. I told him he should come outside and smoke with me, and he obliged. I was looking forward to clearing the air (lol, that's funny considering we were smoking...I digress yet again!). I wasn't half way through my cig and my friend walked up and said they were walking home, and told me I was coming with her. Huh-WHAT?

At that point, I wanted to punch her in the face. My night was already shitty, and there she was, yanking me away from a boy I was talking with...a boy who, if anything, could have been my drunk make-out buddy. Grr.

Did I mention it was snowing at this point? Huge, frozen, beautiful snowflakes were everywhere, and it was APRIL. Double Grr.

I wanted to leave the situation completely. I didn't want to leave my car, because if I left I didn't want to go back to the house the next day. I knew I couldn't drive, so I had to suck it up and pass out. It sucked.

So today, I sit here bummed with a headache. I guess I was fortunate to have many fun nights that included drinking, moreso than not. Last night was one of those "nots."

The night could have been worse, sure...but I know the night also could've been better.

Sunday Blues

Today, I sit and I cry. I cry about things that are not. I cry about things that could be, but won't. I sit. I cry.

I know my hormones are bringing about this intense surge of eeyore syndrome. I know it will (most likely) only last today and tomorrow I will wake up with strength to shelve these emotions.

I want a home with a yard for my child to play in, and I cry because I don't foresee that happening before he is in kindergarten (or ever). My credit is horrible, and my income is just enough to keep the lights on, and pay daycare.

I cry because others around me are afforded great opportunity, and I wonder why I haven't been afforded the same because I work just as hard, if not harder (yeah, I am the complete and total makings of a solo pity party...).

I cry because my relationship with my father has faded into nothing, and it kills me.

I cry because my mom has a new found freedom that doesn't include me, but her "boyfriend" and the nearest bar or bottle of beer.

I cry because my brother is going to be sent to war, and I cry for his daughter and the possibility that she might not ever know her father.

I cry because the hope of me finding a man to compliment my life seems impossibly impossible.

I cry because I feel like I am failing my child. Yes, he might not think so today...but in 20 years I fear he will look back and hold animosity towards me...for not affording him a stable nucleic family that I had growing up....

I sit alone, and I cry.

Anatomy of a Woman

(at least the women I know)

I don't know many (if any) girls my age who enjoy being single. Most of the women I know have been in a long term relationship, are living with their boyfriend, or are married. The ones who have relationships end, no matter how long or short, troll for the next guy almost immediately.

Maybe I'm jealous because dating as a single mother has been so much different that dating as a single young 20-something. Yup. That's it. I'm jealous that it's them and not me. I'm jealous that I've been patient for over four years. I've woken up 95% of my days these past four years with a smile on my face. Knowing that I'd be the only person to feed my baby, change his diapers, read to him, make him giggle. Knowing that I didn't have the shoulder to physically cry on when things got tough. Knowing it was just me.

I'm totally pms-ing right now. I can feel my intense hormones surging, but these feelings of "when is it my turn?" never subside. I survive on the hope that it will be my turn to be giddy sooner than later.

PMS aside, what brought on my surge of emotion from this astute observation? In the past few months, I've known three women to become newly single, and two of those women have met new guys or had multiple male prospects in their life. I'm happy and supportive, yes...but I want it to be my turn. I'm sick of being the cheerleader for other people's new relationships.

*Girls, if you EVER read this...you know I love you...and this post is mostly brought to you by the demons knows as P, M and S. Mwah.

The Battle Surges On

SHITFUCKDAMNCOCKSUCKINGASSHOLES!

Whew! I feel better now.

What has my panties in a bunch? People who literally suck at life...specifically baby boy's former daycare center, and their immoral billing procedures. Money hungry mongrels they are!

Yes, I just got off of the phone with the so-called president of a collections agency. My son's former daycare assholes messed up their ledger, and after withdrawing my son from their center decided to throw a bill that totals more than a grand at my face.

What did I throw at their face? A big "EFF YOU!"

I contacted the Better Business Bureau. I utilized a free attorney via the employee assistance program. And this crap STILL HAUNTS ME.

Why don't you just settle to get them off of your back? Hells no. I refuse to be bullied by a psychotic woman (the director of baby boys former daycare). That's what I chalk this up to. A giant case of ageism bullying.

I'm completely irritated by this matter, and honestly want to punch someone in the face (preferably the former daycare director).

The "president" asked me if I wanted to settle..to which I responded that I feel as if I already settled when I cut a check for close to three hundred dollars on my son's last day of childcare (an amount I was told was my close-out balance four days prior).

Thanks for listening to my whining. One of the many perks of being single is never having someone to vent to....except for complete strangers via the internet ;-)

p.s. If you live in the Minneapolis area, and are looking for daycare...email me and I'll disclose the name of the center to you.