Thoughts from an anal, single 27 year old.

I lay alone, naked, except for my blanket, pillow, small radio and battery operated friend who keep me company. I lay there thinking, yearning really, for a man to be next to me...and then for a brief moment selfishness sweeps over my body.

Do I really want a man to hog the covers?
Do I really want someone to complain about my snoring?
Do I really want to have to tiptoe in the morning because he doesn't have to wake up until 8 or vice versa?

Truth: Yes and No.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life has been really decent lately. I'm still dedicating 2010 to me, and finding myself having small extra peps in my step. Don't get me wrong, life isn't perfect. I am sick of being alone....and the truth at how alone I am is apparent when there are people whom I would call friends who pretty much refuse to make an effort to spend a night on the town with me because they're dating a new guy.

Can I blame them? Not really.

Tonight I'm planning on going out on the town. The night has two great potentials:

1. Trouble.
2. A major disappointment.

Trouble, because I know I'm going to be drinking. A. Lot. I haven't been out drinking since the night before Thanksgiving. My tolerance isn't what it used to be (read:21st birthday including 17 shots in a five hour time period). I've been eager to go out on the town for a while, and have a feeling I might just do or say something that I'll regret.

A major disappointment because I'm worried the mood/atmosphere will be lame. Although, a good friend of mine reminded me that you can't control if other people have fun, you can only control yourself...and while this is true, I always seem to stress if I feel that others aren't having a good time. Certain people aren't coming out which also bums me out (and if they do happen to show up I'm afraid I might be rude to them for being snarky in the first place). Certain people have early morning plans tomorrow, so I'm worried they won't let loose like they would've on another occasion. Certain people don't know each other because I'm friends with different groups of people. This creates a bit of awkward tension because I know everyone is nice...they just don't open up and it kind of sucks.

I know what you're thinking. I'm reading into this WAY TOO MUCH, right? Well...woe is me. I'm a bit of a control freak I suppose. Maybe it's high time I just let go and let the night happen. Maybe.

Jealousy much?

Whenever my single friends start dating someone, I'm swept with a wave of jealousy. Sure, I'm happy for them, but the jealous feeling creeps into my gut and I KNOW it spews out through my tone.

What's my deal? Yes, I want it to be MY turn..but I think it goes a little deeper than that.

When my single friends start dating one (read: all) of the following runs through my head:

1. Great, that's one less person for me to hang out with.
2. I wonder if their new guy is going to dislike me...?
3. I really want it to be my turn.
4. I'm so happy you FOUND A GOOD PERSON!! (I wanna find a good guy..)
5. Why are you with this person, they sound like a tool!

I try to be completely honest with my friends, and have come to the point where I actually immediately apologize when they tell me how great their current guy is...because I know I don't sound happy (even though, happiness is one of the five things I'm probably feeling).

Recently, I had a discussion with a good friend of mine. Basically, she tried telling me the classic "You meet someone when you stop looking" line of bs. I initially bit my tongue because she never stopped looking or wanting to find a good guy herself.....and then I opened my mouth and told her to "stop trying to down talk her new relationship, I know you didn't stop looking or wanting, and that's how you found him...so be happy, alright?"

ANYWAYS...the point of my rant is this:

I want it to be my turn, but I'm not losing sleep over it. I really AM excited for when I find a guy who will laugh with me, and also let me lean on him when I need a bit of support.

Day 2

In actuality, it was session-2...Whatever.

I think I really like talking with someone..but I'm still embarrassed that in order for me to survive single, I've gotta see a therapist to do so (sidebar: whenever I see or hear the word "therapist", I IMMEDIATELY think of the SNL Jeopardy skit with Sean Connery "I'll take the rapist for 500"....good times).

She is really very helpful. I can speak my mind without offending anyone. Freely. Openly. Without judgement. Heck, the woman even praised me today! It was a really good GREAT feeling.

I never would have imagined me seeing a therapist..in fact, I've scoffed at others in secret, probably mostly because I KNEW I should be talking to some sort of professional for a long time, but was too embarrassed to admit it.

And really, it feels a bit empowering to know and feel like I'm making active steps towards becoming a better me.

I'm not saying it's what EVERYONE SHOULD DO RIGHT NOW...What I'm saying is if you have the resources to see a therapist, I'd suggest you check it out. Even if you feel mentally sound, it's amazing how much better you feel when you let EVERYTHING off of your chest.

A New Beginning?

When people switch on survival mode, they do desperate things. Born the phrase "desperate times call for desperate measures".

I have done something desperate. In an effort to rectify my financial stress from being the "sole provider" for myself and my son, I applied for a different job.

I'm so afraid I've done the wrong thing...but at the same time I'm excited I've done the right thing.

See, I love love love love love the current company I work with. (Enter the but) But....I feel like I could do more, and when it comes down to it, I feel like I should be making more money. Each biweekly pay period I dwindle my checking account down to mere cents. It's stressful. It sucks. I need it to change for the sake of my sanity.

During my first session, I was asked if I could wish for one thing, what would it be? I smirked because the answer that IMMEDIATELY popped into my head felt selfish, although it's mostly selfless.

I wished for a winning lottery ticket.

I went onto explain how a winning lottery ticket would positively affect myself and my son. I would not have to worry (as much) about my checking account balance. I could afford a house with a fenced in yard for myself and baby boy. I would be able to entertain friends on a more frequent basis. I'd be able to meet friends out for dinner more often. These things would make me elated...and a happy mom translates to a happy baby boy.

When my friend forwarded me an open position that entailed a position with a (rather large) pay increase, I was EXTREMELY intrigued. (Re-Enter the But) But...the position was at a company where I knew someone. This someone was a person who had been laid off from my current company. This someone was very close with many people in my office. This someone would most likely find out that I applied for this position, and I could also see this someone telling my current company about my application.

What to do?!

After mulling over my options (literally) all day...I did it. To ease my doubts about my application, I added a clause to my cover letter that acknowledged the ties between my new employer and my current employer, appreciating their confidentiality.

Honestly, I doubt I'll get the position (which was another huge reason why I was apprehensive about risking my current employer finding out...I mean, why risk it when it's not a sure thing??). The new position requires an associates degree plus five years managerial experience (which I don't have either...boo me)...but again...I felt like I HAD to try.

Here's to hoping my new venture stays confidential.... And if it doesn't, here's to hoping I have the strength to cope with the consequences!

A Start.

I was almost late to my first appointment... I'm convinced my subconscious did this on purpose because I was afraid. Afraid of what I'd say or wouldn't say. Afraid of what she'd say or wouldn't say. Afraid of the unknown.

When I found her office, I almost started laughing. There was a very small waiting room with a coffee table FULL of magazines. My immediate thought was "I wonder if I'm going to be analyzed based on the magazine I choose to read while I'm waiting." I chose Parenthood JUST IN CASE. (read: paranoid)

Ten minutes after my appointment was supposed to start, I was called into her office. The strong scent of a pine candle was burning on her desk. I sat down, and started explaining why I felt the urge to seek someone out....detailing how alone I've felt, and giving her my family background as thoroughly and concise as I could seeing as we ONLY had about 40 minutes until I had to return to my office.

Her listening style was different...but listen she did. She was proactive, and paraphrased my thoughts back so I was clear if we were on the same page. I fought back tears most of the session....and although it felt like we talked for a LONG time, the time flew by amazingly fast. When it was time for me to leave, I was disappointed because we didn't discuss what I should do to make my feelings that have been suffocating me dissipate. However, she noted that she wanted me to take something away from our session, and this is what she told me:

"In the middle of the dessert, things still find a way to grow."

I left her office with a smile on my face, and an appointment to return again next week.

Shrinkin.

With the doom and gloom that seems to have been haunting me the past few weeks, I decided to utilize the Employee Assistance Program at my work. I've done this once before at the last place I worked at (about 3.5 years ago), and WHOA BOY..there's a reason why I haven't been back in over three years.

Rewind to 3.5 years ago.

• I was a new mom.
• I was a new SINGLE mom.
• I worked in a HORRIBLE environment full of caddy, snide, evil SOB's.
• I cried. all. the. time. (hello a smidgen of post-pardom...don't judge)

The appointment was close to my house. I found someone to watch baby boy, and walked in not knowing what to expect, but doing my darnedest to keep an open mind because I felt like I was sinking in a pit of quicksand.

The lady I poured my heart out to was absolutely no help. She told me my "issues" most likely stemmed from not eating cottage cheese and triscuits in the morning. While I have absolutely NOTHING against cottage cheese and triscuits, they were NOT the resolution to my family and money situation. Needless to say, I walked out feeling even more lost, and cried until I was sick of crying.

Fast forward to today.

I'm really not sure what to expect, although, I feel like I'm at a point that I need to speak with SOMEONE because:

1. My coworkers DON'T need to hear my personal gripes.
2. I have a really difficult time expressing my feelings to my parents without the conversation getting twisted into a dramatic fight.
3. I don't feel like my friends have the time for me to vent, especially because the issues I have to vent about are pretty heavy.
4. I want to be able to speak to someone and get good, sound feedback, as well as direction about what I should do to resolve the demons that seem to haunt me.

So peeps... Wish me luck. What's the worst that could happen? She'll tell me to eat raisins and black licorice daily (GASP!).

Once a Month

On any given Sunday, I'm usually happy and content with my life. It seems that my hormones love to get the best of me once a month.

• I feel anxiety weigh me down.
• I am snappy without realizing it.
• I say things that I mean, but in a way that is totally out of line.
• I feel extremely alone.

I haven't had much to update the world with lately...I'm still single. I'm still surviving (some days feel like more of a struggle to survive than others, I digress). I still (thankfully) have a job. I'm still relatively healthy.

However, once a month, I seem to have a "lack-of-support breakdown". I ugly cry. I think "why me?" I crave extra support from my parents, and always seem to be left disappointed. I forget the things my parents do for me, instead focusing on the things they don't do for me...and I feel JUSTIFIED in doing so....for no reason.

Once a month, I feel like I shouldn't be a mom. Once a month, I feel like I'm suffocating. Once a month, I cry because I want to be held, and told it's going to be okay.

Once a fricken' month.

This past weekend was my "once a month".