Fudge.

Dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll fill ya in on why I'm cursing at myself today....

My company is trying to motivate us to be health conscious. In doing so, they established a "weigh-in program." ALL you have to do is be weighed-in during a designated time by a pre-arranged trainer. Seems simple? Yup, it is. The trainer records your weight in confidentiality, and lets my company know if you came four out of five times (but doesn't disclose your weight..that's kept a secret!). You don't have to agree to workout, just to be weighed.

Today was the initial weigh-in.

I'm going to take this time to address a few of my newly acquired enemies (besides the obvious numero uno..the scale).

1. Ranch Dressing - WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO DAMN GOOD BUT ADD SO MANY INCHES TO MY WAISTLINE?!
2. Butter - I swear, I was Paula Dean's twin in a past life.
3. Soda Pop - Seriously..the sweet bubbles get me EVERY TIME. I refuse to drink diet because I feel bloated (go figure) so it's the sugary goodness for this mama.

I am convinced if I can cut these three things out of my diet I'll see results within the blink of an eye. How does this have anything to do with surviving single plus one? A LOT! First, have you seen what the stores market for toddlers to snack on? BB hasn't developed enough of an appetite to make cooking fresh foods worthwhile. I am so horrible at eating leftovers, that I usually stick to smaller frozen foods because I can finish them in one sitting, rather than having to worry about reheating stuff. Also, the less healthy foods are WAY more convenient for me at the end of the day when I am EXHAUSTED.

I have also been emotionally eating a lot lately. Why? Because I'm single, feel like used goods, unloved, overwhelmed, financially on the brink of bankruptcy...you name it! One word: UGH! (I don't care if Ugh isn't a word either...so there!).

I take solace in the fact that I love the office I work in and the company I work for. BB is healthy for the MOST part (except for the usual daycare cold/random ear infections...totally reasonable ailments).

I'm a heart attack away from wagering a war on my three newly found enemies. Hopefully they'll die out with grace and respect!!!!!!!!!!!

My decision...

I had been heavily weighing my options about what I should do about TB.

Call him? Meh, I don't really think talking on the phone is a "guy thing."

Email him? Meh, I'm so OVER emailing!!

And then, it happened....we were both signed onto instant messenger (enter bells going DING DING DING!)

Even via IM, I was nervous as ALL getup to ask him the typical girl questions "How do you think things are going? What are your thoughts?"...I swallowed my pride, typed away and clicked send. I very promptly received "I don't know. That's such a typical guy answer." (I wasn't sure about where this convo was going...but my heart was racing a million miles a minute.)

To skip straight to the good stuff, I found out he had been separated since March, and the divorce was final as of June. (YAY!) I also found out he feels like he's 16 again (which kind of had me going "huh?!") He told me he was indecisive around me, and couldn't figure out why....and TB also said he's "really had fun every time we've been out together."

Despite the fun times we've shared, he confessed that he goes back and forth about if he's ready to date or not. I've been spared the gory details of his divorce (which I KNOW is for the better, but the curious cat inside of me REALLY wants to know).

This whole situation is wreaking of "he's just not that into you." Call me crazy, but I firmly believe if a guy wants to be with you, he'll be with you (and vice versa).

Although he told me he wouldn't expect me to wait for him to make up his mind, I don't know if I'm ready to give up on a good guy yet. I'm still as available as I was before the two of us started hanging out....but I'm reserving a sliver of my heart in hopes he'll step out of his funk and that we can give this thing (whatever it may be) a go.

Time will certainly tell.

Turning Back Tuesday's

Introducing: JR

It was the summer before my senior year of high school. My father had asked if I wanted to go out to buy some volleyball shoes. On the way to the shoe store, he told me him and my mother were getting a divorce, and that my brother had walked in on my mom kissing another man.

The first shoe store we went to did NOT have what I was looking for. We ventured to another mall, silence overwhelming between my father and I. At the second shoe store, there was JR. I still didn't know what my "type" was. My only romantic experience was the vomit first kiss of two years before. There was something that intrigued me about him. I was able to order the shoes I was looking for through a catalogue JR had given me.

When the shoes arrived they weren't the right size, so I inevitably ended back up at the mall to see JR. I took the liberty of looking as cute as an athletic-never dated a boy-girl could look. We flirted, fixed my shoe dilemma, and before I knew it were going out on our first date. Soon after (like, a week...it was high school remember) we were a couple.

He was 19 almost 20, and I was 17. He was an ear to listen to, and a shoulder to cry on through some of my darkest days as my parents divorce was suffocating me.

My parents didn't like him (which, looking back, doesn't surprise me in the least).

He was my first.....First orgasm. First time...and let me tell you, it wasn't the most pleasurable of experiences because he was rather large. I don't even know if I would enjoy romp sessions with him now...too large just doesn't do it for me.

About four months (which translates to four years in a high schoolers world) into our relationship, it was time to shop for xmas presents. He told me he really wanted a kitten. I'm still unsure if he literally meant he wanted a kitten, or if JR was just saying it.

I bought JR a kitten.

JR broke up with me.

I've randomly run into JR since we dated. It's not the same, and I'm DEFINITELY alright with that.

Tall Boy

I was going to save explaining TB (Tall Boy) for a rainy day...and what do ya know? It's raining.

Since I'm restricted to stay at home 99% of most nights, I took to the liberty to subscribe to an online dating site. I had tried multiple different sites, and felt most comfortable with the one that cost me the most money (go figure!!).

ANYWHO...

I was matched up with TB on September 5th (yup...I'm semi-anal with dates, we all wonder why I'm single!) We jumped through the "online communication hoops" set in place by this website, set a date to meet for lunch, enjoyed each other's company, and have hung out three times since then, blah blah blah.

Here's the catch: TB is divorced (which he had failed to mention in his online profile) and the only reason why I say this is because I'm not quite sure if the divorce is final, nor has the opportunity to talk about this presented itself. Thanks to good old Facebook, I discovered a picture of him WITH his wedding ring on that was dated May of 2008. I'm no rocket scientist, but I know it takes more than a couple of months to finalize a divorce.

Why hasn't the opportunity presented itself to discuss this, you ask? Because we've only been on three dates, and I try and refrain from talking about ex's, religion and politics until at LEAST the fifth date. Wouldn't ya know, we aren't really talking on the phone much...only sending back an email once or twice a week.

Another catch: We haven't had a first kiss. I TRIED making my move, but the guy is 6'6, and I'm standing tall at 5'8. I'd have to strategically position myself next to a ladder to reach his lips...seriously!

What's a girl to do? The "ifs ands and buts" have been running wild through my head.

• What if he's not completely divorced
• What if he's not into me and just wants to be friends
• Maybe he just moves slow
• Maybe he's still apprehensive about getting into a relationship
• He could be SUPER shy

The only thing I know for certain is he claims to not be bothered by the fact that I have a son (which was great news!).

Another little secret I'll let you in on.... I have been blogging for almost a year, and started this blog because I wanted to be able to write anonymously. Yup, you guessed it. Not only did most of my friends IRL read my blog, but TB happened to find it too. I'm just not ready to publicly plead for dating advice while the man I'm trying to date is reading my innermost thoughts.

Eff This.

Today, it started snowing. The weather has left a cool chill in my bones. If it were up to me, I would snuggle up with a cup of hot chocolate, and forget the weather altogether.

Unfortunately, that's not in my cards.

This single gal is being guilted to put on a swimsuit, and take her son to an indoor water park.

Who would do such a horrible nasty thing to me? My mother. I'm not happy about this...so much so that I've started having mini anxiety attacks this afternoon. The nasty floors, the thought of exposing my out of shape body in public..it all makes me quiver.

It's not that I can't stand up to her and say no... I just can't handle the thought of being on her bad side. She's all I really have to confide in. I wish all of my eggs were in more than one basket.

The kicker? She's coming with to this demon water park...but she's not getting in the water. Grr.

So much for not shaving until I find a guy worth shaving for...

Update:

After many tears, shaved legs (and other unmentionable areas), I went...splashed...enjoyed the laughter of my son and my niece. Yes, you read that right...I enjoyed myself. It wasn't as overwhelming as I thought it was going to be.

It's just been one of those lonely days where I would've rather spent my time cooped up in my cave than face the public. The PMS monster was screaming in my brain to stay home....I felt fat, lonely, unwanted, like used-goods, unloved...and the list goes on.

I was missing a particular person from my past (who I know is poison for me...but that's another story for another time, I promise.)

Thinking Happy Thoughts

I really don't want this to be a sob story...so I've decided to make a list of things I am able to do because I am single, that I take for granted.

• I don't have to shave my legs for months if I don't want to. This not only saves money, but a heckuva lot of time
• I always have the covers at night
• I don't have to argue or compromise with someone about what I'm eating/making for dinner. I can even go OUT to eat if I want to...it's quite liberating
• I can park where ever I want when I am running errands
• At night, I can call on my battery operated friends without judgment
  
• At night, I can decide NOT to call on my battery operated friends without judgment
• Aside from BB's clothes (baby boy, even though he's not so baby anymore), all of the laundry I do is MINE, so I only have myself to be irritated with when the clothes pile high and the stains run deep
• I can watch as much horrible reality television as I want
• I'm privy to the last scoop of ice cream
• I can eat as much garlic as I want

I think ten things is a pretty darn good start.

On that note...

Expanding on my last post...I have a few thoughts/secrets to ellaborate on.

As much as I long to find my soulmate who "completes me" I really love my life 98% of the time.

Specifically, I love not having to worry if I look good enough. Yes, my physique sucks. Yes, I'll get to it. Right now, I have more important things to do than check my son into ANOTHER daycare while mommy has alone time, only to pick him up and put him STRAIGHT TO BED. My physique is a sacrifice I make being a full-time job holding single parent.

I know my everyday routine sounds nauseating to some, and lazy to others...trust me when I say it's the furthest thing from lazy one could imagine...

If you watch Desperate Housewives, I can TOTALLY SEE how Gabby lets herself go after having children. Being a mom is honestly like a full time job where you're constantly putting in overtime, NEVER getting paid for a vacation, and rarely (if ever) allowed to take a sick day. Can you see why I'd want to mentally check out after being alert and attentive for upwards of 12 straight hours?

Some days, I question how my life would change if I found that special someone to share my nights with. Would I still feel as exhausted with a second half around? I'd like to think not. Would I turn off the television to have late night romp sessions? I'd like to think so. Does the probability of finding that special someone decrease when I have a poor self image? Yup, but I go to sleep comforted in knowing that I'm working on it.

Surviving Quiet Nights

My single self has been stuck in survival mode since the moment I found out I was going to be a single parent (going on three plus years). I'm starving for male attention. Hence: Single Girl Survival Mode.

I tend to spend most evenings alone. No worries, this isn't a bitch session about poor single me, it's just the facts. When you have a two year old you need to be at home, and he needs a schedule.

My friends who could keep me company fall into one of four categories categories:
1) Single but live a good drive away (and by good drive, I mean 20-30 minutes one way)
2) They live with their boyfriend/gf
3) Our friendship is more of an acquaintance, and doesn't entail hanging out one-on-one
4) All of the above

My Single Girl Survival tactics* during the week are fairly consistent:
~ Pick up my son from daycare (school, if you will)
~ Get home and try to whip up something for dinner
~ Give him a bath/put him to bed
~ Sit on the couch and mentally check out while watching horrible reality television and/or a nighttime drama
~ Go to bed to wake up the next morning, and repeat

The weekends are a WHOLE different story. I don't have a schedule, so mere chaos always seems to be looming around the next corner. My only saving grace is I've become accustomed to being alone. My son is small enough where he can't fully hold a conversation with me. Let's be real, it's going to be about 15 years before he will WANT to have an adult conversation with me...kids have to be kids.

Here's where there's a twist in my plot. I've been TRYING to date. I've been TRYING to put myself out there...and I feel like I'm suffering from the syndrome of "If you give a mouse a cookie". I've been on a few dates with a man I'll call Tall Boy (TB). It's the first time in a long time I've felt butterflies in my stomach. It's scary, exciting, and refreshing to see him. However, it's the first time I've formally dated a guy and it makes the nights I'm alone feel that much more lonely. What a catch-22, eh?

*Supplies needed for SGST include but are not limited to:
Ice Cream
Chocolate
Batteries for your remote
A charged cell phone
A TV Guide if you haven't memorized the weekly television lineup

Turning Back Tuesdays

I was 15. It was the perfect summer night. Clear skies, and a million stars. Some girlfriends of mine were headed out to a party and invited me. As a 15 year old girl who was always running to a volleyball practice here or a softball game there, I was elated to join the ranks of not only upperclassmen, but a party to boot. Fantastic, I was in.

We drove across town and the second I walked into the door I retreated to my shy self. I became a wallflower and breathed in the experience through listening instead of speaking up. I don't know how the next thing happened, but before I knew it I found myself sitting outside with an extremely inebriated guy. I was stone cold sober, and he was slurring words I only wish I could understand. I didn't speak with many boys at this age, but I was making an honest attempt. To be honest, it was the most attention I had ever received from a boy. My blinders were up, and my subconscious was flooding my head: "Oh my god, he's totally into me. How cool is that?!"

Out of nowhere, he leaned over the side of the stairs we were sitting on, and proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach all over the lawn. I was speechless, and so was my subconscious. I did the first thing that came to mind, and started rubbing his back, saying it was alright. He started sobbing (what I now know to be the "drunken manic sob session"). I felt horrible. He kept going on and on about how horrible he felt for getting so wasted, blah blah blah.

The next thing I knew, his tongue was being forced down my throat. You guessed it, the same tongue that was JUST spewing EVERYWHERE found itself groping the inside of my mouth.

The night ended shortly after. I will never forget my first kiss no matter how hard I've tried. Who makes out with someone who was JUST puking? That's right, this chick does.

Me.

Like my "About Me" states, I am just a girl looking for a boy to love her...my only difference is I'm a girl plus a toddler. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a father to my little boy, but a man to complete my soul (cheesy, yes).

I have had a rocky dating life, as most single twenty-somethings can attest to. I envy those who meet the person who completes them. I want to be one of those people, but I have standards and am riddled with poor judgement. I tend to want what I can't have. If, by some crazy twist of fate, I get what I want (be it a boys number, a few dates, or even a boyfriend, I usually find an amazing way to muck it up). I haven't been in a relationship in over three years (since before my son was born).

I am going to dedicate Tuesdays to Turning back time. I will start with the beginning of my skewed life with men. Each week, you can look forward to a new story which stays true to the order in which it happened. Tomorrow, I will start with my first kiss (trust me when I say it fits my dating life to a T).

I haven't decided when or how often I will post the other six days of the week...I guess you'll have to stay tuned. I welcome any and all comments so long as you aren't anonymous. If you have an opinion to share, the least you can do is let me know who you are so I have a chance for a follow-up.

I am going to take the time to explain my past, and also fill you in on what is going on now in my life of a single girl, plus one.