The Vortex

I find myself in a cyclic vortex of emotions when I make small attempts to satisfy my physical needs with a physical relationship. A vortex that, since becoming a parent, has made dating damn near impossible. A vortex that envelopes my emotions far too rapidly for my own mind to digest. A vortex that, at times, feels like it's suffocating me. A vortex that prevents me from being my true self.

When I escape the vortex I immediately feel equal parts of relief and disappointment. Perhaps someday this vortex of emotions will feel easy, and spin me in the direction of companionship. Perhaps someday I'll find solace in the daily happenings of my life, and won't feel inclined to enter the vortex again. Perhaps one day, the vortex will sweep me up and spit me out again.

Life, for me, feels 98% unpredictable. I've been alright with the unpredictability, but I certainly need to practice breathing, relaxation, and focusing on my true self the next time the vortex sucks me in.

He Came (and I simultaneously won Mom Of The Year)

The touch and feel of a man can be absolutely intoxicating. Strong hands that will envelope you, make you feel safe and sexy, all at the same time. To me, the touch of a man is something I go to bed dreaming about.

He finally came over, late at night. I answered the door in skimpy nightie. He came in, and I'd be lying if I said the first five minutes weren't a little awkward.

His voice was deep. His smile was nice. His facial expressions were hilarious. After the first five minutes passed, the conversation in my kitchen seemed very smooth. Almost effortless. Almost. There was a rather large white elephant in the room. See, we had spent the past two weeks texting about sleeping with each other. At the risk of borrowing a plot straight out of Hollywood, we were planning to use one another for one thing; Sex.

After about an hour, the Heidi Fleiss inside of me made my move, "I was in a minor fender bender in January, and my back is killing me...Would you give me a massage?" He obliged. To feel his weight on top of mine left me feeling extremely vulnerable. His ass was literally hot (which made me giggle a little, I digress). The strength of his hands forced my mind to wander. After a while I found myself in his arms. It was comfortable. It was what I had been craving for a long time.

The time was melting away, and before we both knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning. We were both falling asleep. We had both melted into one another. He was ten minutes away from leaving when he rolled on top of me, and we had our first kiss. His lips were perfect. His touch was just as I imagined it to be, intoxicating.......but he couldn't stay, even if he wanted to because it wouldn't be fair to baby boy to awake to a strange man in Mommy's bed.

I don't pride myself on too many things in life, but one thing I will stand steadfast by is the fact that I am very guarded about who I introduce into baby boy's life. I'm a bit of a mama bear when it comes to what I expose him to. I am honest with him, but there are certain things that are damn near impossible to explain to a little man...like, when he abruptly walks into mommy's room at 3am and finds a (fully clothed) man on top of mommy (yeah, I'm totally getting mom of the year award for this one).

He quickly rolled off of me, and hid next to my bed. I quickly got up, swooped up baby boy, and brought him back to bed. He asked "mommy, who was that guy?" and my heart skipped a beat. What have I done? Have I damaged my baby boy? Is he going to think ill of mommy, because mommy was being selfish and looking to fill a void that has been present in mommy's heart for a loooooooooong time? He's too little to understand, so it's almost a waste of breath for me to try to explain anything to him.

The man in my room was equally freaked out by the situation. I had been honest, and told him he couldn't stay because there was a possibility my baby boy would walk into my room and want to sleep next to mommy. When he left, there was no kiss goodbye, which reminded me this was not about romance, rather, two consensual adults fulfilling voids that had been present in their lives for far too long.

Adventure Update....

He cancelled on me. I should've expected it from the get go (in fact, a little part of me wasn't surprised in the least).

"I don't feel well" blah blah blah.

No harm, no foul. At least I didn't break my back to line a sitter up just to have him cancel at the last minute...cuz that would've sucked (I honestly thought about linking to all of the times in the past I've written about when the guy has cancelled, but I'm too lazy for that today...I'll blame it on the rain).

Choose My Adventure

Here I sit; 29 (less than 11 months until I'm 30), single, a parent, employed and a student.

I haven't had sex in over two years (730+ days).

I can say (with a huge smile on my face) that I have kissed a man in 2012 (although, some might argue he was only a "baby" since he was the ripe old age of 20, I digress).

Peeps, I'm ancy as hell.

Do I want a relationship? Sure.

Do I NEED a relationship? Hell no. I don't have time.

Do I want to have a wild crazy session in the bedroom? Hells yes.

Do I think I can have such a thing without "over-thinking things" and becoming the stereotypical "irrational girl"? The jury is still out on that one.

On the bright side, I have an opportunity to see if I can break my current streak of living a sexless life (SCANDALOUS, GASP!). There's a guy I've been speaking with. I've known him for about 8 years (we met through softball). We've hung out once a few years back, and in that time he acted as if he needed to stay AT LEAST 10 feet away from me (perplexing, especially since we had done a LOT of email flirting prior to hanging out, I digress).

He's attractive, single, and a huge goof ball (a trait that is almost a MUST if you're going to hang around me).

I'm 99% certain he's coming over on Monday night after baby boy is in bed. So, internet, I ask you to choose how I act when he comes over.

• Do I shove my tongue down his throat the second I open the door to break the ice?
• Do I answer the door in some skimpy lingerie?
• Do I just play it cool and make him make a move?

Not to sway any of you out there (if there ARE any of you out there...) but as a disclaimer, I want to have fun. I want to have balls to the wall, semi-scandalous fun.

What adventure will you choose for me? I'm all eyes.

The Hitch

I thrive on spontaneity. Love it, and try to live it as often as a single busy mom can....

One night, I was at home bored. Baby boy was in bed sleeping...so I took it upon myself to take a semi-provocative shot of my chest and email it to 21 (calm down, it was only a PG-13 cleavage shot that did NOT include my face...this chick still has an ounce of dignity after all).

The only problem? I didn't have his email address. I asked him for it, and told him I had a picture I wanted to send him since his phone didn't accept photo messages. He obliged, and shot me his email address (which included his FULL NAME).

When opportunity knocks, I (unfortunately) always answer.... OF COURSE I GOOGLED HIM PEOPLE!

And here's what I found out: He wasn't 21...nope, no sir....

He was 20. (truthfully though, I really wasn't surprised...I suppose my mom-gut instinct was screaming at me that something was off...I was just too caught up in his hotness to really pay a shred of attention)