A New Beginning?

When people switch on survival mode, they do desperate things. Born the phrase "desperate times call for desperate measures".

I have done something desperate. In an effort to rectify my financial stress from being the "sole provider" for myself and my son, I applied for a different job.

I'm so afraid I've done the wrong thing...but at the same time I'm excited I've done the right thing.

See, I love love love love love the current company I work with. (Enter the but) But....I feel like I could do more, and when it comes down to it, I feel like I should be making more money. Each biweekly pay period I dwindle my checking account down to mere cents. It's stressful. It sucks. I need it to change for the sake of my sanity.

During my first session, I was asked if I could wish for one thing, what would it be? I smirked because the answer that IMMEDIATELY popped into my head felt selfish, although it's mostly selfless.

I wished for a winning lottery ticket.

I went onto explain how a winning lottery ticket would positively affect myself and my son. I would not have to worry (as much) about my checking account balance. I could afford a house with a fenced in yard for myself and baby boy. I would be able to entertain friends on a more frequent basis. I'd be able to meet friends out for dinner more often. These things would make me elated...and a happy mom translates to a happy baby boy.

When my friend forwarded me an open position that entailed a position with a (rather large) pay increase, I was EXTREMELY intrigued. (Re-Enter the But) But...the position was at a company where I knew someone. This someone was a person who had been laid off from my current company. This someone was very close with many people in my office. This someone would most likely find out that I applied for this position, and I could also see this someone telling my current company about my application.

What to do?!

After mulling over my options (literally) all day...I did it. To ease my doubts about my application, I added a clause to my cover letter that acknowledged the ties between my new employer and my current employer, appreciating their confidentiality.

Honestly, I doubt I'll get the position (which was another huge reason why I was apprehensive about risking my current employer finding out...I mean, why risk it when it's not a sure thing??). The new position requires an associates degree plus five years managerial experience (which I don't have either...boo me)...but again...I felt like I HAD to try.

Here's to hoping my new venture stays confidential.... And if it doesn't, here's to hoping I have the strength to cope with the consequences!

A Start.

I was almost late to my first appointment... I'm convinced my subconscious did this on purpose because I was afraid. Afraid of what I'd say or wouldn't say. Afraid of what she'd say or wouldn't say. Afraid of the unknown.

When I found her office, I almost started laughing. There was a very small waiting room with a coffee table FULL of magazines. My immediate thought was "I wonder if I'm going to be analyzed based on the magazine I choose to read while I'm waiting." I chose Parenthood JUST IN CASE. (read: paranoid)

Ten minutes after my appointment was supposed to start, I was called into her office. The strong scent of a pine candle was burning on her desk. I sat down, and started explaining why I felt the urge to seek someone out....detailing how alone I've felt, and giving her my family background as thoroughly and concise as I could seeing as we ONLY had about 40 minutes until I had to return to my office.

Her listening style was different...but listen she did. She was proactive, and paraphrased my thoughts back so I was clear if we were on the same page. I fought back tears most of the session....and although it felt like we talked for a LONG time, the time flew by amazingly fast. When it was time for me to leave, I was disappointed because we didn't discuss what I should do to make my feelings that have been suffocating me dissipate. However, she noted that she wanted me to take something away from our session, and this is what she told me:

"In the middle of the dessert, things still find a way to grow."

I left her office with a smile on my face, and an appointment to return again next week.

Shrinkin.

With the doom and gloom that seems to have been haunting me the past few weeks, I decided to utilize the Employee Assistance Program at my work. I've done this once before at the last place I worked at (about 3.5 years ago), and WHOA BOY..there's a reason why I haven't been back in over three years.

Rewind to 3.5 years ago.

• I was a new mom.
• I was a new SINGLE mom.
• I worked in a HORRIBLE environment full of caddy, snide, evil SOB's.
• I cried. all. the. time. (hello a smidgen of post-pardom...don't judge)

The appointment was close to my house. I found someone to watch baby boy, and walked in not knowing what to expect, but doing my darnedest to keep an open mind because I felt like I was sinking in a pit of quicksand.

The lady I poured my heart out to was absolutely no help. She told me my "issues" most likely stemmed from not eating cottage cheese and triscuits in the morning. While I have absolutely NOTHING against cottage cheese and triscuits, they were NOT the resolution to my family and money situation. Needless to say, I walked out feeling even more lost, and cried until I was sick of crying.

Fast forward to today.

I'm really not sure what to expect, although, I feel like I'm at a point that I need to speak with SOMEONE because:

1. My coworkers DON'T need to hear my personal gripes.
2. I have a really difficult time expressing my feelings to my parents without the conversation getting twisted into a dramatic fight.
3. I don't feel like my friends have the time for me to vent, especially because the issues I have to vent about are pretty heavy.
4. I want to be able to speak to someone and get good, sound feedback, as well as direction about what I should do to resolve the demons that seem to haunt me.

So peeps... Wish me luck. What's the worst that could happen? She'll tell me to eat raisins and black licorice daily (GASP!).

Once a Month

On any given Sunday, I'm usually happy and content with my life. It seems that my hormones love to get the best of me once a month.

• I feel anxiety weigh me down.
• I am snappy without realizing it.
• I say things that I mean, but in a way that is totally out of line.
• I feel extremely alone.

I haven't had much to update the world with lately...I'm still single. I'm still surviving (some days feel like more of a struggle to survive than others, I digress). I still (thankfully) have a job. I'm still relatively healthy.

However, once a month, I seem to have a "lack-of-support breakdown". I ugly cry. I think "why me?" I crave extra support from my parents, and always seem to be left disappointed. I forget the things my parents do for me, instead focusing on the things they don't do for me...and I feel JUSTIFIED in doing so....for no reason.

Once a month, I feel like I shouldn't be a mom. Once a month, I feel like I'm suffocating. Once a month, I cry because I want to be held, and told it's going to be okay.

Once a fricken' month.

This past weekend was my "once a month".

Christmas Bells Are Ringing.

I was spoiled at Christmas this year.. Truly and utterly spoiled.

My parent splurged on a Wii, a Wii Fit Plus, and the Wii Play (that came with an extra controller)....It is something I have wanted for a couple of years.

Every year my mom asks for a Christmas Wish List. I comply, and the first four things on my list are always as follows:

1. A husband
2. A house
3. A winning lottery ticket
4. A personal trainer

I suppose I can check personal trainer off of my list now...YIPPEE!!

I also received a digital coffee maker...which was definitely an upgrade from my 25 year old Mr. Coffemate maker...I am almost certain I would collect thousands of dollars if I had the old coffee maker appraised at the Antiques Road Show. Seriously.

So, yes. Santa was wonderful to me. Baby boy was also spoiled (as he should be), and aside with witnessing my family consume far too much alcohol, Christmas was darn-near perfect.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmahaunikwanzika. Do you have any fun plans to ring in the new year?

Missing him.

I wanted to call him. My stomach was churning. I felt alone. I missed him.

Mark and I haven't spoken in a long time. In fact, I decided to cut him out my life because our relationship continued to spiral in a vicious circle, never improving.

1. We would be civil with each other.
2. We would spend a lot of time with one another.
3. He would become irritated with me for always wanting to go out and spend money.
4. I would grow irritated with him for being so darn irritable, and never wanted to talk with me. A fight would ensue.
5. We wouldn't talk for a while.
6. Return to step one.

After the discussion with my mom, I felt horrible and completely alone. Disagreeing with your family is a very isolating feeling for me. I love the few friends I have, but they are busy with their own life, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting to them what I had said, or publicizing how I felt about my brother (which is ironic in itself since I'm broadcasting my feelings on the internet without blinking an eye, I digress). The only person I could think about talking to was Mark.

I miss him when life gets hard. I miss the ways he would try to cheer me up in his own goofy way. I miss the good times we shared with one another, but know the negative animosity we also shared is too strong for me to return to him. As much fun as we had together, we were poison when combined, and for this reason, I resisted my urge to call.

Part 2 of 2

"Your brother is going to be sent to Afghanistan in April instead of September. We aren't going to act all goofy about it. It is what it is."

Her words sounded confident.

I hadn't really opened up with her about my feelings towards my brother. I felt like this was my opportunity to let my mom know how I was feeling.

"Mom, to be quite honest, I don't know how to react to that kind of news. I've made myself extremely clear since the moment he enlisted that I was not happy about it. It was always a strong possibility he'd be sent to a war zone, and was even more apparent after Obama's speech the other week. I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I already feel like my brother is dead to me, so how do you expect me to act when you tell me something like that."

I wish I could swallow those words back up because what happened next completely broke my heart.

She lost it.

I asked her if I had to bring her down to the psych ward, because before I chose to blurt out those awful words she was fine.

Where did those words and thoughts come from? Months of pent up anger, resentment, and disgust towards myself and my brother for our non-existent relationship. Months of having to bottle those feelings up when I spoke with my mom because she REFUSED to allow me to talk with her about my dissolving relationship with her son.

The tears I have cried because of that boy could fill the Mississippi.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT TO ME!!!"

"Mom, I'm not saying I want him dead...I'm saying that my relationship with him is gone. Over. Done with. He's non-existent to me, and I'm non-existent to him. It's not like this happened yesterday, mom. This has been going on for a long time, and you've refused to talk with me about it."

"I TRIED TO FIX THINGS BUT YOU REFUSED" she sobbed. (she demanded I attend a "mandatory family meeting" at her place, and I declined because I felt like it was going to be too hostile, unproductive, and awful...I refused to subject myself to walking in on a firing squad).

I explained myself and my feelings again..but at that point, the word of death was the only thing running through her head. She was mentally checked out of any conversation thereafter.

I feel so guilty that those words flowed out of me so easily...but I can't change my feelings about him. He's no different to me than a stranger on the streets. How am I affected if his life is over? I'm not. My son is short a father, and has been short an uncle since before he was born.

+++++++++++++++++++

Side note: I am not a soldier hater. I am not anti-military. I am, however, against my brother deciding the military was his only option at succeeding in life. I think it was a cop out. I think my brother could change the world if he really set his mind to it, and I felt like cornering himself into the military was an easy way out....and it annoyed me. I also don't understand why a person who has a child in this world would enlist, when the possibility of death is so great.

I love my brother...and maybe my love for him hurts too much because of all of the animosity between the two of us. We don't talk. We don't know each other....and that sucks.

I'm sure conservatives will have a hay-day with my thoughts and feelings on my brother. I'm not saying they're right, and I'm not saying they're wrong...but my feelings are my feelings...you can disagree with my feelings, but they won't change (at least not today).