WARNING! VERY SCATTERBRAINED POST AHEAD!

Chemistry = Passion (C=P).

I've recently met someone new, but I have a problem...I don't feel like I have a lot of chemistry with him. Sure, he's good looking. Sure, I think he's attractive. But there's something missing. A certain spark, if you will. I'm bothered because I'm having such a difficult time pinpointing the issue.

I can't decided if the chemistry is lacking because he's such a nice guy. Most of the men I've attempted to date in the past I've had a spark with. However, all of those sparks happened BEFORE I had a child. This is the first really nice guy I've met since having a child. Am I holding myself back?

Another catch? We've known each other since we were in diapers....but hadn't seen each other in over ten years. I'll be honest when I tell you how nervous I am to put this information out on the internet...I would never, in a million years, want to hurt his feelings.

A third catch? I'm not quite sure what the point of us hanging out is. Are we hanging out as JUST friends? Does he want to actually date? Does he feel the same way I do? Do I bring it up to him?

We've only hung out twice (once at night*, which started and ended with a hug), and once in the afternoon** (where baby boy was present....I allowed the exception since he's known me for such a long time, otherwise, I refuse to introduce baby boy to a man I'm dating...at least until I'm certain he'll be sticking around) (which ended with TWO goodbye hugs....kind of odd if you ask me).

Am I over analyzing this? YES! I can't help it. Seriously.

Now, this next bit of info makes me uneasy to admit....BUT, is settling the right thing to do if the relationship (dating or otherwise) lacks passion? I feel like I want and need more. I know none of my past relationships have worked, and that the start of this relationship feels SO MUCH DIFFERENT than my past failed attempts...and different isn't bad...but in this instance I don't feel like lack of passion is something I'm willing to compromise.

What to do...what to do! (hmph).

*we split all tabs...went to three different bars...played nintendo, laughed a bit, caught up....but again, I didn't feel any sparks.

**he came over to watch a football game.

Jealous. Resentful. Sexually frustrated.

Those are three not-so-positive things that seem to be encompassing my mood lately.

B$, a longtime friend of mine, has met the man of her dreams. They met three weeks ago, and in that time they've become a dreaded "we."

In case you're unfamiliar, a "we" person is one whose identity shifts from being independent, to being completely dependent. Instead of making independent decisions, a "we" person replaces the word "I" with "we." Friends ignore phone calls because they're spending time talking (non-stop) with their new beau. Plans are left up in the air because they aren't quite sure if the "we" has made a prior commitment...you get my drift? Yeah, it's not so much fun for those of us (read:ME) who aren't included in the "we."

Prior to meeting Mr. Right, B$ had been single all of nine months. In that time, the two of us related the way only single girls know how....we went out to group happy hours together, chatted, and would spontaneously hang out because everyone around us were in a relationships....

Now-a-days, I feel like I've lost a friend to the world of the "relationship"..and it's totally bumming me out.

Granted, this has nothing to do with my sexual frustration which is inevitable because woe is me.

I'm jealous that she became a "we", abandoning one of her long-time single friends*. I'm resentful that my life choices have lead me to becoming a single mother sans Mr. Right.

I've always been a hopeless romantic..but these days I'm beginning to become more and more hopeless...sans the romance. There's still a light inside of me that knows it'll be my turn, soon enough. I can't help but witness the light fade, ever so slightly, with each day that passes.

*something that torments me is I'm actually VERY happy for her...I'm just disgruntled at the time being because adjusting to a change like this is tough for me to digest.

Random Blabberings...

Allergies are really cramping my style (not really, but mostly). The weekend was marvelously beautiful...and what did this chick do about it? Nothing. She did laundry, watched a few movies from the redbox, and sat idly alone (and by alone I mean just myself and baby boy). It was a (much needed) quiet weekend. I attempted to make plans with people last Thursday, but was met with resistance. So, in lieu of harassing calling people continuously, I just did my thang (e.g. laundry, cooking, KIND OF cleaning, watching movies after baby boy was in bed).

Now, I'm not complaining in the least (well, that's a bit of a lie, because I AM), but I don't like not having things to do, or people to hang out with. I'm fairly certain the highlight of my weekend was a spontaneous call from B$ around 9:15 on Sunday night asking if she could swing by. My place was a mess, but I welcomed the company.

I get slightly bummed when I find out via shut-your-facebook that those I asked to hang out prior to the weekend had made plans with one another and excluded me. (read: smallest violin player playing the saddest song just.for.me).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, I'm over it.

Guess this girl is gonna keep fakin it until I make it (or at least until I find a group of people who like me, just as I am....).


p.s. Kind of still wish I could hear from Alaska...hmph.

Daddy.

The boys of my past have forced my mind to churn into overdrive.

Why haven't I been able to find Mr. Right instead of always settling with Mr. Right Now?

Why do I get so hung up on Mr. Right Now?

Am I REALLY psycho-chick that most men typically avoid?

...and the list goes on.

I realized that I've always been lacking one key component of my life. An attentive father. Don't get me wrong, I know my dad has a great heart and I know he loves me...he just has a HORRIBLE way of showing it (as far as I'm concerned).

A little bit about him (since I can tell you're all DYING to know)...

• He's a Vietnam vet, where he did a few tours, and drove a tank
• His own father died of a heart attack when my dad was seven
• He's a twin (paternal)
• I'm fairly certain he has OCD, and it always takes mysterious forms like photography, golf, tai kwon do, etc.
• He is the first man in his family (along with his twin) to live to see his 60th birthday
• He used to be obsessed with being a great father...then he moved onto to something else.

My father has a difficult time expressing his emotions. I think that's why I'm so darn emotional! I've felt compelled to spew emotion in the hopes of getting something back in return (which I think is kind of sad, I digress).

SO...Fast forward to present day....Along comes a man. He seems interested in me, and I give him the "do me eyes" and it's a done deal....for one night. I really need to work on forcing a man to work. I need to have more confidence that all men are NOT like my father. Some men actually will talk to me for more than just one night...I know it to be true because I've seen it happen with other girlfriends of mine...girlfriends who are now married.

So yeah..that's probably more about my mentally effed up mind than you would care to know...since when am I one to hold back? Never.

Wow.

Yesterday HAD to be a full moon. My mood was up, then down, then kinda up, then REALLY down. I couldn't blame my mood swings on pms, but more or less bottling up my feelings of dating frustration...and having the bottle explode in my face.

I'm alone, and I've been telling myself that it's alright to be alone (which it is...) but in reality, I'm SICK of being alone.

I'm tired of not having someone to share life's moments with.

I'm frustrated that I let men into my life and that they only seem to stick around for one night.

I'm jealous that everyone around me is finding their "one."

I want to wake up next to a sleeping, gentle soul...who is just as much into me as I am into him.

After a few conversations with some great friends, I began snapping out of my mood-roller coaster. Laying in bed, I realized how many people I've actually attempted to date, or made-out with in the past few years....and to be honest...it's kind of a lot!

Alaska, California, Chi-Town, Country Boy, Tall Boy, Penny....and the list goes on!

I still stand by my opinion that I'm a pretty awesome chick. I still believe (in my heart of hearts) that I'm worth the trouble to some man out there. I mean, I love beer, football (most professional sports, for that matter...), cooking and laughing...really? What more is there to want?!

I think I am the epitome of a broken road....I know it will lead me to him eventually, so I should quit my bitchin' already and learn from the potholes.

Life is too short to spend it crying.

Some details.

On the wedding night the alcohol was freely flowing. The mood was overcome with happiness and joy, it was ALMOST surreal. A few shots here, a few more shots there, mixed with some vodka tonics and I was feeling really good.

After realizing Alaska was single, I was more forthcoming in exchanging glances with him. Have I mentioned his eyes gave me the butterflies?!

As the night progressed, he became more comfortable on the dance floor. Before I knew it, we were dancing together....a lot.

The band was very upbeat. They did covers of fun bands from the 80's and 90's...even doing an awesome Santeria cover by Sublime.

The night literally was a whirlwind. I'm convinced mixing large quantities of alcohol with crazy dance moves generated enough heat to push me past my normal intoxication threshold (not to mention my insane intoxication for Alaska, I digress).

I really hope I get a chance to speak with him, because some moments from the night are a bit hazy...like the moment we decided to go back to his hotel room. I have no idea how or who brought that up (it could've been him, but it could've been me...yeah, I've got a bit of a naughty side...).

At the time we disappeared up to his room, I wasn't aware that he was sharing the king-sized bed room with a former hockey teammate....until the door opened when we were smack dab in the middle of a fairly intense make-out session.

Since we were interrupted (and, as far as I was concerned, not finished making out) we did what any heavily intoxicated would do! We locked ourselves in the bathroom. Little did we realize (or care) that the hockey dude and the two girls he brought up to the room to hang out with him were wasted, and would need to pee about every five minutes. We were too focused on each other to notice...and it was awesome.

Unbenounced to us, the three clowns locked out of the bathroom were being very loud and obnoxious. Security was called, and came-a-knockin. The bathroom door was unlocked, and we (the five of us) ended up in the downstairs empty banquet room, where we could be as loud as we wanted to be. It was nice of the hotel to give us a space to be loud, considering the alternative would've been to kick us out altogether.

As we were sitting around, playing poker with naked-man-cards, the two girls who were hanging out became quite offensive, saying horribly rude comments about "ginger's" (apparently that's some sort of slang for a red head...I hadn't heard it before that night, but it didn't take me long to realize that it was mean...and I had the feeling it was directed towards me...), and then made some off the wall comments about politics. I knew I had to get myself out of there, because the last thing I wanted (or needed) was a verbal fist-fight with two incompetent drunks. I put my arms around Alaska, and told him we should go back to the room. He said "in a minute," so I continued to rub his back, holding onto my last bit of patience.

We ended up in his room. I ended up falling for him.

I know, I know....why the eff would I fall for a guy who:

1. lives in the US, but is literally a COUNTRY away from me
2. is basically a drunk hook-up

...Your guess is as good as mine.

All I can tell you for certain is I haven't stopped brainstorming for a way to see or talk with him again.

p.s. whilst laying in the king sized bed together, his former hockey teammate waltzed in, stripped to his boxers, and hopped into bed next to us...UNDER THE COVERS. Yeah...I guess that's how Hockey boys roll...and that's also the main reason why I was unable to exchange numbers with him. Hmph.

p.p.s. is Unbenounced even a word?!

Introducing...

Alaska.

A friend that I've known for fifteen years was set to get married this past weekend, and I was honored to be a part of her bridal party.

This was the first wedding I've ever participated in....I kept referring to it as my "First Rodeo."

There's something magical about weddings, especially (as I've come to know) when the person/people getting married are amazing friends, and are exploding with happiness.

By no means was the bride a "bridezilla." She did everything in her powers to make the day simple for her bridal party, and even had two professional hair and makeup artists come to her house to help beautify us.

The wedding party was a biggie. Six bridesmaids, six groomsmen, a junior bridesmaid, and two ushers.

I was the only "single" bridesmaid.

I had zero intentions on scoping out for a guy the night of her wedding. I pretty much knew everyone in attendance (or so I thought)...I mean, I've known the bride since I was in fifth grade, and the couple have been dating for almost eight years. I had EVERY intention on tearing up the dance floor, laughing, and having a great time. Immediately following the 25 minute ceremony, the girls and I headed to a hotel room to partake in a few shots while the the bride and groom were in the receiving line.

The drinks were flowing. Laughs were being had...exactly like I had planned.

I was mostly familiar with the groomsmen. Three of the guys went to college with the groom (two of which flew in from out of town), and played hockey together while in school. Two of the guys were brothers of the groom, and the last guy was a high school friend (who was dating someone I know).

Our table was a large oval, which was pretty cool because that allowed us to talk with one another, instead of having a super long table. Alaska was two seats away. He was tall, quiet, and had amazing blue eyes. (I was smitten from the moment I had re-introduced myself the night before at the rehearsal dinner, I digress). Someone in the bridal party asked Alaska if he was single....and to my surprise he was. At that moment I'm pretty sure I did one of two things:

1. dropped my jaw due to my complete surprise
2. was overcome with a nervous smile because my internal dialogue shouted out "YESSSSSSSSS!" quite similarly to Napoleon Dynamite
3. also couldn't stop internally repeating "oooh! You can see Russia from your front porch dontchya know?!"...Thanks Palin.

Once the music started blasting I took the dance floor with the bride. As time passed, more of us collected on the dance floor, being silly and having an all-out good time. Alaska and the hockey boys lingered on the side, sipping drinks and observing...

I couldn't let those boys stand around..so I coerced them onto the floor. Before I knew it, Alaska and I were dancing. Shortly after that, we were up in his hotel room. I know that sounds horrible...but I just couldn't help myself. He was hot. He was single. He was (mostly likely) wasted (as was I). BUT STILL!

More details to come....