Pseudo Safety

I don't write as often as I like, but recent conversations about what seems like the slow death of the blog has made me do a bit of self-reflection. 

See, this platform (my blog), was created to help me air frustrations, joys, inner-thoughts, secrets (if you will), in a safe, judgement-free environment.  Sure, this is sort of my dirty little semi-private public diary.....but if I wasn't alright with that I wouldn't take the time every so often to post here. 

What would I do if I didn't have this tiny little corner of the interwebz?  I haven't a flipping clue.  

I'm the type of person who analyzes. everything.  I'm the type of person who needs to let strong thoughts and feelings out lest the potential for spontaneous combustion increases to dangerous levels. 

I'm a person who wishes she had a tight close-knit group of friends.  In a random way, I kinda sorta do...but at the same time, I kinda sorta don't.  I have people in my life I love and respect because they're amazing.  Most of these people are compartmentalized due to various reasons such as marital status, the medium in which our relationship began (e.g. work, college, high school, etc.), children (or lack thereof), or geographical location.  I see others around me (lets be real, mostly through facebook), and I become instantly jealous of what appears to be tight-knit groups everyone but me seems to belong to (wah waaahhh....now's the time where I start rolling my eyes at myself because I sound and feel like I'm being a ginormous baby).

My feelings, although seemingly silly at times, are mine.  I'm not ashamed.  At times my feelings seem unjustified though, because although I'm not in a "consistent defined group of  friends" there are times when the people whom I love and care about come out of the woodwork to support me.  The support I'm shown in times of great need are enough to bring a handful of tears to my eyes.  The support people generously dish out is also enough to enhance my strong belief in humanity.

Looking past the few people who try to frustrate the hell out of me on a regular basis, I am so grateful for my current social situation.  I'm am equally grateful for this small corner of the web, and for the sake of my sanity, I'll keep this corner of the web going. 

Dear Brother...this is why...

It’s obvious I’m not happy with you, or the way you’ve acted the past three and a half months.  I’m not one to beat around the bush, or act fake.  I can’t fathom any other medium for reaching out to you, and hope you’re able to take this letter and read it a few times because I’m not writing this just for the sake of writing this.

Why am I so upset?  First of all, I asked you over six months ago if you wanted my help finding a new job.  Never once did I say or imply that you NEEDED my help, but I asked you, and you said you’d take all of the help you could get.  So what did I do?  I started asking around, and found a solid job lead.  I went so far as to personally recommend you, and when you refused to speak with me to get your resume lined up, while simultaneously never responding to me, it made me look like an idiot in a professional environment.  To turn around my generosity by telling mom, dad and WHOEVER else that I was being a bitch was absolutely juvenile, disrespectful, and inappropriate.  At that point in the past three and a half months, I decided I had nothing nice to say to you, so I chose to say nothing at all.  The behavior towards me around the fourth of July regarding my son was the cherry on the Sunday.

Here’s where my issues lay:  Drugs appear to be number one on your agenda.  This is evident through your behaviors and actions the entire trip home from California, and the days that followed.  This is also evident through you telling your daughter’s mother that you were planning to grow and sell drugs.  Not cool.  Not funny.  Not responsible.  Not a person I choose to surround myself or my son with.
I’m confused why you think asking me about the yard is and/or was an attempt to speak with me.  It was a question that required a yes or no answer.  I answered you.  Had I chosen to walk away without saying a word, I could understand telling both Mom and Dad that I was blatantly ignoring you, but I didn’t…your words to them were a bit out of line.

It all boils down to the fact that I believe you still have a lot of growing up to do, and attempting to have a relationship with you while you’re at this point in your life proved to be too stressful and non-productive.  So the path I chose was to move on, and stop trying.  I work full time.  I parent full time.  I am enrolled in college full time.  I don’t have TIME to deal with immaturity and irresponsibility.  If and when you grow up, (and decide to make responsible choices) I hope you will realize how hurtful and disrespectful your actions have been towards me, your nephew, your daughter, Mom, Dad…and most of all, yourself.

Dammit , life is too short to spend your time living the way you’ve been living.  Would you have your job if they found out about the drugs?  Nope.  If you can’t expect an employer to employ the real you, how can you expect non-drug users to tolerate you too?  The logic is completely lost on me. 

Also, everything I’ve said above are words I’ve spoken to Mom as well.  I’m a firm believer that I will only say things in life that I am willing to say directly to the person.  I know words from you have been thrown Mom’s way about me (stating I was being a bitch, etc).  If you think being assertive about living a respectful life is bitchy, then so be it, because I don’t feel bad for standing up for myself or my son.

All of these thoughts and feelings are on the eve of what could be the most challenging years of our lives.  You and I both know there’s something going on with Dad.  I haven’t a flipping clue how to approach him.  I’m scared (terrified, really).  I’ve expressed my concerns and frustrations with mom, and she’s let it be known that you’ve experienced the same frustrations.  I don’t know what to do, or how to even approach the situation.  I feel it’s something that needs to be approached delicately as well.

So allow your emotions to get the better of this situation.  Allow yourself to be annoyed at me for caring about you too much to tolerate the idiotic drug induced behavior.  Ignore my cautionary feelings.  Do what you want.  You’re a grown adult, and these thoughts and feelings are coming from a place of love, it’s as simple as that.  My hope is for you to reflect on this situation and see where the missteps were, man-up, recognize them, apologize, and not repeat the same mistakes.

This is my attempt to explain where I am coming from, and why I feel the way I do. Normally I wouldn't justify spending the time to explain myself, but this isn't a normal situation; we're family.

Daydreams

I crawl into bed at night, the sheets welcoming me with their crisp coolness that gradually warms up to wrap my body in heat.  It was a good day, not great, just good.  The television glow allows my brain to shut off, if only for a few moments.  When I turn to my side and see him, my blood pressure rises.  The perfect mix of the "guy smell" has my nose dancing with excitement.  He's mine, I'm his. 
I roll over to go to sleep, excited for what my dreams might bring me, after all, my daytime dreams have already been answered.  He wraps his arm around me, slowly brushing my hair off of my neck, pressing his soft lips against my neck.  I roll over, and our eyes connect.  I never imagined this many passionate feelings could rush through my body on such a regular basis.  I go to sleep that night, every nerve in my body euphoric, satisfied, and peaceful. 

He loves me. 

I love him. 

**********************

Not a single word above is my reality.  What's my reality?  Jumping into cold sheets at night...alone.  Going to sleep....alone.  Waking up...alone.  I'll never give up on my dream of having him in my life.  Christ, I'll never give up on actually figuring out who my "him" is!  I'm a driven person, who has a lot on her plate right now; read: near full-time undergrad coursework, full-time job, homeowner, full-time single parent of a very active little boy, and all of the responsible goodies that come with the previous titles.  Someday it will be my turn to share the great news of a proposal, and perhaps even an announcement of new little feet...but for now, today, in this moment, I'm content trudging through life solo because I can't possibly imagine squeezing in a second of time to find "him", especially with all life is throwing at me right now. 

1.5 out of 21

Well, no workouts yesterday...but I'll be dammed if I'm falling off of this bandwagon! 

Here's the FABULOUSLY EXCITING grub I stuffed in my face yesterday:

2 - 20oz coffee's
1 chocolate dessert bar; made by said coffee shop that was surprisingly decent (however, I wouldn't buy it again...go figure)
2 - 8oz glasses of water
A spicy chicken Korean dish (it was to die for, and more or less like a soup with lots of peppers and nothing was fried...yay!)
a small dish of steamed rice to accompany said soup, along with a few different small serving varieties of Kim-Chi
1/2 flat bread topped with a chicken cesar salad
1 - 16oz soda

...Again, not the healthiest....but the water was an improvement from day-1.

Last night I had a group meeting for school.  The class I'm taking requires a boat-load of small group work (lucky me!...can you SENSE the SARCASM here?!).  We met, and it wasn't as horribly painstaking as I had anticipated, but then again I wasn't able to walk or get any sort of sweat on. 

Thankfully, since I know every person in the world is WANTING and CRAVING this next tid bit of info; I've got time tonight to devote to a solid 45 minute walk.  Yeehaw.  Here's to (hopefully) staying on the right track (ha, no pun intended....track....get it?  like, the one you run on?  ok, I've obviously reached a limit on my sanity...good bye until tomorrow).

1 of 21

Honestly, I feel completely like "Bridget Jones" writing about this journey, but I suppose it boils down to the good-ol' saying, "You gotta do what you gotta do."

To battle my bulge on all fronts, I have to take an unfortunate look at my diet (insert cringe faces and extreme eye rolls on my behalf...can you tell I'm "loving" this?!).

Consumed:
1 20oz bottle regular coke
1 felafel gyro from Dinos; with lettuce, onions, tzatziki, black olives, and tomatoes
1 side greek rice (also from Dinos)
1 raspberry bar
1 20oz black coffee with half''n half, skim milk and a shot of vanilla syrup
1 double cheeseburger from Burger King
1/2 of a small order of onion rings

Good lord, my diet sucks.  I'm ALMOST contemplating doing a calorie count of all that deliciousness, but I'm terrified.

The important thing missing?  Water.  I need need NEEDz to drink me some more water (insert my annoyance here...because, let's be real, it's ANNOYING TO DRINK A LOT OF WATER....you have to use the bathroom more, and then there's the whole "gotta get up and refill my glass for that 4th time today" blah blah blah).

Note to self: must develop more patience, especially patience in the "drinking water" arena.

Exercise:
Mini hike with my son's cub scouts troop - 20 minutes
Extended (more intense) walk with my neighbor - 40 minutes

My pants still feel a bit tight, but I'd say that counts as a mildly successful Day-1. 

21 to Dinner

It’s no secret that I’m single, and also no secret that I need to get in shape.  My own personal battle of the bulge has been intense, (and a battle I’ve successfully been losing over the past seven years).

Yup, I’m a victim of "Hurricane Pregnancy," and the weight it left in its path.  I’ve made pathetic attempts to shed the baby weight, but only been successful at failing. 

Here I sit, on the verge of exiting my 20’s forever; overweight, and hating every second of it.  

SOMETHING HAS GOTTA GIVE!

I have no idea how I’m going to find time to focus on shedding weight; between my insane schedules of a full time job, taking 10 college credits, being a single parent, helping my son with his own homework all the while doing yard work and grasping at every single ounce of sanity I can find to keep enough underwear clean for the both of us, I digress.

The point is, you make time for things you want to make time for, so I’ll go on record stating I’m making time to fight my battle of the bulge and WIN.

What better way to do it than to blog about it…and what better way to reward myself than to ask a guy (that I’ve fancied for a while…yes, I totally just used the word “fancied” to describe my school girl crush…It’s no wonder I’m single!) out after I’ve achieved one small success; working out 21 times.  I doubt I’ll see much of a change after 21 work outs, but I’ve heard myths that a habit takes 27 days to form.  So three cheers to the next few weeks on this journey!  Be prepared to be sick of hearing about this….

note: this is either going to be an epic fail, or a small victory...I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the victory.

My Dilemma

Very recently, I've had the urge to do the "right thing" specifically related to a friend and her WORTHLESS ex-husband.

Why do I use such strong, negative words to describe him?  Well...first there was the fact that he beat her to the point where he was taken to jail while they were married.  Paired with the fact that he continuously tries to manipulate the kids into hating their mother.  Also, the court system with which they live in is a waste of government money, and refuses to recognize how horrible of a person this man is, hence, still forces my friend's children to spend time with their father.  He is constantly spanking his middle child, a child with special needs, a child who needs love and guidance, not to be hit (note, there have been times when I've spanked my son, I'll be the first to admit that...however, I do not have anger issues like this man.  I have NEVER beat someone to a bloody pulp because I was angry/out of control....and I was also not COURT ORDERED TO NOT HIT MY CHILDREN LIKE THIS MAN HAS BEEN)...the list could go on and on for years, really.

What is this "right thing" that has been eating at my intuition?  Well...this worthless piece of a human being has been seeing someone for about six months.  I don't know this person, and frankly, I KNOW it's none of my business...but my gut instinct has been telling me that he has hit her as well.  I've been in horrible situations of abuse before.  I know how damn-near impossible it is to recognize that you are far above the situation your abuser is putting you in.  I want to help.

Does helping entail sitting back and doing nothing?  I swear by the grace of God, this man shouldn't be allowed to live....honestly, everyone would be better off if he weren't wasting air and space.

I've also been EXTREMELY tempted to post the stophitting.org website on his facebook page.  I've got my ways of posting anonymously...and seriously, I think I'm going to do it...but will it accomplish anything?  Will it add unnecessary fuel to his fiery heart?  Will he keep hurting his kids?

What can I honestly do to help in a situation where I feel absolutely helpless?

Vortex of Annoyance?

Some might argue "To be or not to be" is the question.  Me?  I argue about "To sign up for a dating website, or to not sign up for a dating website."

I've done all of the dating websites a couple of times; match.com, yahoo personals, eharmony, even the free okcupid.  Not one has landed me in a substantial relationship.  Sure, I've had some mediocre to HORRIBLE dates....but the entire process felt like a waste of time.

Maybe I'm not made for online dating (?).  Maybe I just haven't had enough patience to meet "the one."  Maybe maybe maybe.....see?  I have no flipping clue what to do or how I should think about online dating.  My emotions are COMPLETELY conflicted.  Not to mention, the ridiculous commercials currently running for eharmony....I can't help but give props to their evil genius marketing group, because (yes) I want to try it out again.

What's a single-full time job holding-college student-parent to do?!  S.O.S.  I will be the first to admit I've come to terms with being single.  It's what I know.  It's kind of my bag, baby.  But I'll secretively whisper within the same breath that I really want to find a guy to date.  I refuse to give up hope that he's out there, and we just need to meet each other when the time is right and POOF!  Instant relationship is born.

Then I mentally revert back to the fact that I am OH SO TOTALLY STUCK IN MY WAYS, which, yes, I KNOW I've mentioned this already...blah blah blah.

Between school, work, single-parenting and gardening...I am confident I could set aside a few couple of nights to a romantic interest...so long as he's funny, mildly attractive, and there's a dash of chemistry...but for the love of god I am so damn torn as to how I'm going to actually get myself to a place where I can cross this goal off of my bucket list.

My love life has been trapped in a vicious cycle of annoyance.  I'm going to try to date, I give up on dating, I'm going to try online dating, I'm going to try to date (anyone know any single guys), I give up on dating...rinse, wash, repeat.

I'm all for being a spontaneous idiot, so perhaps I'll sign up tonight and see where the wind blows...then again, I have zero flattering pics of myself...so most likely I'll back out and forgetaboutit...or will I?

My People

At times, talking about negative hurdles constantly facing you seems to be the easiest of things to spout off on.  Being the hopeless optimist that I am, I don't feel like taking the easy route today.  Today, I want to talk about all of the amazing things going on in my life despite facing some hurdles.  Today, I want to talk about some amazing friends.

I've always been the kind of girl who is accepting of most.  I've allowed people into my life who are in no way savory.  I've been blinded by my own kindness, only to find myself stabbed in the back, verbally attacked, or wrapped up in unnecessary drama.  Growing up, it was very difficult for me to realize that people change, and that "change" is an ok thing.  I recall having certain conversations with my mom about a close friend of mine who had been acting like she didn't want to be my friend anymore (for no reason other than she was just growing up and changing) and it was very difficult for me.  I'm an extremely sensitive person, and do my best to put my best self forward for the world to see.  When someone acts out of the norm, and I feel it's unjustified, I was always left with hurt feelings (a normal thing, I digress).

Through my college years, I had a really challenging time establishing a tight knit group.  If you're from MN, the tight knit group is key to always having somewhere to go, and someone to go with (it's a Minnesota-Ice thing). Sure, I had acquaintances, and even a couple of friends I could call on the phone and vent to, but never really fit in with anyone.  I had chosen to be in a relationship, sacrificing sanity for the "couple title" and the fact that all we seemed to do was fight made us very unappealing to hang out with.  I had chosen alcohol to numb my feelings of loneliness and frustration, because there was ALWAYS someone at the bar who wanted to drink too.  And then, the coup de gras....I was 22, single, and pregnant.  The people I had grown to rely on in my red-solo-cup drinking circles kept on keeping on, while I spent my time figuring out how I was going to support myself while raising a baby solo.  I managed to maintain some telephone relationships, but that was really the extent of my friendships until recently.

If you had told me six years ago that I would become friends with my son's friends parents...I would've rolled my eyes and most likely muttered "whatever" inside my head.  I couldn't fathom a time like that coming...until it comes, and slaps me in the face.  I have met a couple of amazing people through having my son.  People that would do anything for me, and people I would do anything for.  I suppose I never realized how important and valuable solid friendships were until I was actually at a point where I sit today; a girl with a few solid friendships.  

My people help keep me grounded.  My people make me laugh.  My people allow me to be me, and don't expect anything in return.  My people are amazing.

I might face a few hurdles now and again (single parent, can't find a decent date to save my soul blah blah blah), but I truly am a lucky lady.  I have an amazing little boy.  I live in a great neighborhood and have provided my son with a solid house to call home.  I have my people.

First Quarter Reflection

Friday the 13th....one of those "cursed days." I can't think of a more perfect time to reflect on the crazy roller coaster I've been riding thus far in 2012:

• Day 1 of 2012 baby boy cracked his head open....and WHOA BOY it was a bleeder.
• Day 3 I walked into a house for sale, and knew it was "the one".
• Day 6 after getting my dad involved in said house, had an accepted purchase agreement
• Day 23 I began talking with 21
• Day 28 I jumped into a frozen lake
• Day 31 I closed on a great house, accomplishing a long standing goal of raising baby boy in a single family home, affording him the opportunity to play outside, ride his bike, and make friends with kids in the neighborhood (while simultaneously affording myself with the LUXURY of doing laundry without needed quarters).
• Day 35 I moved into said house
• Day 39 I turned 29....thus beginning my 1 year countdown towards the exit of my 20's (yikes)
• Day 41 I handed over the keys to my old apartment...it was truly a bittersweet moment
• Day 50 baby boy turned six

The past two and a half months since moving my house has been in complete disarray. I've been dealing with storage in my kitchen, copious amounts of dust, clutter, clutter, clutter (first world problems, right?!). I am so burnt out and ready to make my house my home. I'm ready to have things put in their place, to come home and feel as if I'm entering my sanctuary instead of a cluttered nightmare (again, first world problems, I digress).

The man hunt in 2012 has been...let's just say, interesting.

From a 21 year old to a 34 year old to a 37 year old. None of them have turned into anything that I want or I need. Not to sound snobby, but seriously what's up with that?! Sure, I broke my two year curse, and now can say I'm more of a slut today than I was two weeks ago...but the more time passes, the more I'm beginning to think I'm destined to be single, and the more the idea becomes alright with me. Bear in mind, there are pro's and con's to being single or in a relationship....the pro's to being single seem to be outweighing the cons.

My parental struggles with baby boy and school keep growing like a weed. He has a HUGE personality clash with his kindergarten teacher AND his gym teacher. I know I might sound like a mom that's in denial that her kid is sucking at life in school, but if you knew him, you'd know he really is a great kid. My heart breaks at the fact that he has to learn the life lesson of dealing with challenging personalities at such a young age, but it's a lesson that's undeniable, and completely necessary for him to get through (especially this year). I have insurmountable fears that this streak of misbehavior, dishonesty and his complete disdain for school will continue...here's to hoping my fears are misguided.

That's been my year thus far. I can't really decide if it's been as crazy as I'm making it out to be in my head, but I'm certainly thankful I have an opportunity to spew my thoughts and feelings in a safe environment.

The Curse of the Text Message

The text…..I loathe the text for multiple reasons, and when I share my initial disdain I’m greeted with nothing but gasps and odd looks. People have become dependent on the text, and I think that’s BS. Sure, I’ve been known to text here and there, but there’s so much MORE to be said about an actual conversation with someone, where non-verbal cues such as tone of voice play a large roll when you’re communicating your message.

I actually have a few specific reasons why I hate texting:

1. It’s completely impersonal

2. It’s WAY MORE distracting to others around you (specifically others you’re hanging out with) if you’ve got your nose in your phone and your thumbs moving a billion miles a minutes when the conversation you’re desperately trying to have with the person you’re texting could be over and done within three minutes

3. It’s way too damn immediate for comfort…no different than email really. You can spout off a message, be it cruel or kind, hit the send button and POOF! It’s out there, for the recipient to read and become extremely offended.

Let me elaborate a little more on the lovely reason number three….

People, it’s no secret (here) that there is man in my life I consider the one that got away (although, in looking back through my archives, trying to find a link to the stories of HIM, I came up empty…either I renamed him incredibly well, to the point that I can’t find my tales, or I refused to write about him, I digress…). To refresh your memory, I’ve known said man since I was a senior in high school. We have shared some AMAZING moments in the past ten+ years. Moments that included bar hopping in a small town, jumping in puddles, a couple of make-out sessions, and even a candle lit evening with a bubble bath (one of my most cherished memories, no joke).

I can’t put my thumb on it, but the timing for us NEVER SEEMED TO WORK. Be it we lived in hours apart, one of us was dating someone, then the roles would reverse, etc. etc. etc. It was almost as if karma was playing a cruel trick on my heart. Then, there was the time at the State Fair. The time when I was three months preggo (which, if you aren’t familiar, is a time when a girl looks like she has severe muffin top syndrome, but doesn’t quite look like she’s brewing a baby in her stomach) and at the fair with my ex-bf turned friend. He was there with a girlfriend….and when we ran into each other it was almost as if nobody else existed. Damn it was a great moment…but then we parted ways, and my continued to feel the pain from our poor timing.

Through the grace of god, Facebook was created…which not only gave me the opportunity to secretly (STALK) catch up on things going on in his life, but allowed me the platform to get together with him (although, at this point in my life, I was a single mom of an 18 month old…see? Poor timing).

He’s been engaged for a while now….set to get married this coming fall. I’m happy for him because I want him to be happy, but my stomach churns because we never had a chance to see if it would or wouldn’t have worked.

(stick with me people, I’m slowly but surely getting to my point)

Last night, his Facebook message was this: “I have the night off with nothing to do” so OF COURSE I COULDN’T HELP BUT PICK UP MY PHONE AND TEXT HIM (WHY PEOPLE?!?! WHY?!?!)

“I’m offended you didn’t call me since you had the night off”

…and so it began….a texting conversation that lasted about an hour. I wound up telling him most of what I had been bottling up inside of me for the past seven years. He told me he had wanted to try to date seven years ago….which broke my heart even more. I literally ugly cried while I typed out my feelings. It was really quite sad and pathetic….and nothing he wanted or needed to hear, rather something I needed to tell him. Perhaps I’ve told him these things in the past, but as his wedding date creeps near, I can’t control how upset the thought of things never actually happening between us make me.

I don’t regret the texting last night…but I’d be damned to say that conversation would’ve taken place before the text message existed.

My On-Going Conundrum

Here's something I've been struggling with for a handful of years now: The Single Girl's Conundrum.

What is this phenomenon, you ask? Well let me tell you. It's the phenomenon where married women are CONVINCED you're going to sleep with their husbands. It happens to me everywhere. I must secretively wear a bright flashing sign that reads "I'M A WHORE AND YES, I AM GOING TO SLEEP WITH YOUR HUSBAND" above my head that only married women can see (note: only the whore part of the sign is actually true, I digress).

Newsflash people: I've got morals. I'm NOT going to sleep with your husband (unless your husband is, in fact, Joe Mauer, in which case, all bets are off). I'm not even that attractive (which isn't a poor sad attempt to cut myself down....but the moment I compare myself to other women I begin to understand, physically speaking, why I'm single).

I'm not kidding when I say this happens to me everywhere. Work, outside of work, you name it.

So ladies, unwind your panties. Just because a SINGLE girl is nice to your husband, enjoys hanging out with him, and has semi-flirtatious fun with him, it doesn't mean she's going to bone him. I mean, really.

The Vortex

I find myself in a cyclic vortex of emotions when I make small attempts to satisfy my physical needs with a physical relationship. A vortex that, since becoming a parent, has made dating damn near impossible. A vortex that envelopes my emotions far too rapidly for my own mind to digest. A vortex that, at times, feels like it's suffocating me. A vortex that prevents me from being my true self.

When I escape the vortex I immediately feel equal parts of relief and disappointment. Perhaps someday this vortex of emotions will feel easy, and spin me in the direction of companionship. Perhaps someday I'll find solace in the daily happenings of my life, and won't feel inclined to enter the vortex again. Perhaps one day, the vortex will sweep me up and spit me out again.

Life, for me, feels 98% unpredictable. I've been alright with the unpredictability, but I certainly need to practice breathing, relaxation, and focusing on my true self the next time the vortex sucks me in.

He Came (and I simultaneously won Mom Of The Year)

The touch and feel of a man can be absolutely intoxicating. Strong hands that will envelope you, make you feel safe and sexy, all at the same time. To me, the touch of a man is something I go to bed dreaming about.

He finally came over, late at night. I answered the door in skimpy nightie. He came in, and I'd be lying if I said the first five minutes weren't a little awkward.

His voice was deep. His smile was nice. His facial expressions were hilarious. After the first five minutes passed, the conversation in my kitchen seemed very smooth. Almost effortless. Almost. There was a rather large white elephant in the room. See, we had spent the past two weeks texting about sleeping with each other. At the risk of borrowing a plot straight out of Hollywood, we were planning to use one another for one thing; Sex.

After about an hour, the Heidi Fleiss inside of me made my move, "I was in a minor fender bender in January, and my back is killing me...Would you give me a massage?" He obliged. To feel his weight on top of mine left me feeling extremely vulnerable. His ass was literally hot (which made me giggle a little, I digress). The strength of his hands forced my mind to wander. After a while I found myself in his arms. It was comfortable. It was what I had been craving for a long time.

The time was melting away, and before we both knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning. We were both falling asleep. We had both melted into one another. He was ten minutes away from leaving when he rolled on top of me, and we had our first kiss. His lips were perfect. His touch was just as I imagined it to be, intoxicating.......but he couldn't stay, even if he wanted to because it wouldn't be fair to baby boy to awake to a strange man in Mommy's bed.

I don't pride myself on too many things in life, but one thing I will stand steadfast by is the fact that I am very guarded about who I introduce into baby boy's life. I'm a bit of a mama bear when it comes to what I expose him to. I am honest with him, but there are certain things that are damn near impossible to explain to a little man...like, when he abruptly walks into mommy's room at 3am and finds a (fully clothed) man on top of mommy (yeah, I'm totally getting mom of the year award for this one).

He quickly rolled off of me, and hid next to my bed. I quickly got up, swooped up baby boy, and brought him back to bed. He asked "mommy, who was that guy?" and my heart skipped a beat. What have I done? Have I damaged my baby boy? Is he going to think ill of mommy, because mommy was being selfish and looking to fill a void that has been present in mommy's heart for a loooooooooong time? He's too little to understand, so it's almost a waste of breath for me to try to explain anything to him.

The man in my room was equally freaked out by the situation. I had been honest, and told him he couldn't stay because there was a possibility my baby boy would walk into my room and want to sleep next to mommy. When he left, there was no kiss goodbye, which reminded me this was not about romance, rather, two consensual adults fulfilling voids that had been present in their lives for far too long.

Adventure Update....

He cancelled on me. I should've expected it from the get go (in fact, a little part of me wasn't surprised in the least).

"I don't feel well" blah blah blah.

No harm, no foul. At least I didn't break my back to line a sitter up just to have him cancel at the last minute...cuz that would've sucked (I honestly thought about linking to all of the times in the past I've written about when the guy has cancelled, but I'm too lazy for that today...I'll blame it on the rain).

Choose My Adventure

Here I sit; 29 (less than 11 months until I'm 30), single, a parent, employed and a student.

I haven't had sex in over two years (730+ days).

I can say (with a huge smile on my face) that I have kissed a man in 2012 (although, some might argue he was only a "baby" since he was the ripe old age of 20, I digress).

Peeps, I'm ancy as hell.

Do I want a relationship? Sure.

Do I NEED a relationship? Hell no. I don't have time.

Do I want to have a wild crazy session in the bedroom? Hells yes.

Do I think I can have such a thing without "over-thinking things" and becoming the stereotypical "irrational girl"? The jury is still out on that one.

On the bright side, I have an opportunity to see if I can break my current streak of living a sexless life (SCANDALOUS, GASP!). There's a guy I've been speaking with. I've known him for about 8 years (we met through softball). We've hung out once a few years back, and in that time he acted as if he needed to stay AT LEAST 10 feet away from me (perplexing, especially since we had done a LOT of email flirting prior to hanging out, I digress).

He's attractive, single, and a huge goof ball (a trait that is almost a MUST if you're going to hang around me).

I'm 99% certain he's coming over on Monday night after baby boy is in bed. So, internet, I ask you to choose how I act when he comes over.

• Do I shove my tongue down his throat the second I open the door to break the ice?
• Do I answer the door in some skimpy lingerie?
• Do I just play it cool and make him make a move?

Not to sway any of you out there (if there ARE any of you out there...) but as a disclaimer, I want to have fun. I want to have balls to the wall, semi-scandalous fun.

What adventure will you choose for me? I'm all eyes.

The Hitch

I thrive on spontaneity. Love it, and try to live it as often as a single busy mom can....

One night, I was at home bored. Baby boy was in bed sleeping...so I took it upon myself to take a semi-provocative shot of my chest and email it to 21 (calm down, it was only a PG-13 cleavage shot that did NOT include my face...this chick still has an ounce of dignity after all).

The only problem? I didn't have his email address. I asked him for it, and told him I had a picture I wanted to send him since his phone didn't accept photo messages. He obliged, and shot me his email address (which included his FULL NAME).

When opportunity knocks, I (unfortunately) always answer.... OF COURSE I GOOGLED HIM PEOPLE!

And here's what I found out: He wasn't 21...nope, no sir....

He was 20. (truthfully though, I really wasn't surprised...I suppose my mom-gut instinct was screaming at me that something was off...I was just too caught up in his hotness to really pay a shred of attention)

Two Times...

I'll be the first to admit, I felt as if I was jumping head first into two feet of water. Here I am, a recently turned 29 year old, being blown away by a lot of unsolicited attention from a hot 21 year old. Was this really happening to me?!

The answer was clear: Yup.

I didn't need to pinch myself. I was receiving daily texts (a gesture small, but made me feel special). A guy, a young hot guy, was interested in me.

There must be a hitch, right?

After our date, he wanted to come up that weekend. I was scheduled to move into a new house, but wanted to see him too...so I caved. I told him he could come up on Saturday night, but the catch was he couldn't sleep in my room, and my son was home so he would be introduced as mommy's friend, and that was that. To my surprise, he didn't have an issue with it.

He came up Saturday night, helped me move boxes around, and we watched a movie. We would up in my room for a short while, messed around like middle-schoolers, and he was sent on his way to the living room for the rest of the night. It was a PG-13 kind of night. Nothing too naughty happened. It was fun. I went to bed that night with a huge smile on my face.

Life was good....or so I thought.

The One Where We Met.

I sat in my car while an anxious ball of nerves grew in my stomach. The bold and daring me wanted to walk up to him the moment we met, push him up against the car, and make out with him. The realistic side of me completely wussed out.

We met at the restaurant, and first laid eyes on each other in the parking lot. 21 was very attractive. At the risk of sounding cliche, my heart literally skipped a beat, and I was tempted to pinch myself. Am I really on a date with this guy? Was he really here with ME?

We were (unfortunately) seated in the middle of the restaurant, but my spontaneous side got us moved to a less noisy booth. I took my lead from him, and we both ended up ordering water, and splitting some food. It was nice. He seemed nervous. I couldn't wipe a goofy "Is this really happening to me" grin off of my face.

He wanted to go to a movie, so we searched on my phone and settled on a 9pm showing of Man on a Ledge (side note: wait for it to come out on redbox). We were one of three couples in the theater. We wound up talking through the end of the movie, and seemed more interested in each other than anything on the big screen. It was nice. It was fun. It was a road I haven't traveled in a loooooong time.

After the movie, we walked to my car and decided we were going to hit up a local casino and see how our luck was running. On the way to my car, I received a text from a friend that said "Did you kiss him the second you saw him?" (I honestly had planned on doing it...), to which I couldn't help but laugh out loud. He asked me what was so funny, and I told him what my original plan was. He thought that would've been cool, but would've should've, could've....

Since there was no time like the present, before I started driving towards the casino, I looked at him and said, "Before we leave, I need to get something out of the way" and I leaned in and kissed him.

Yes, interwebs, I'm going to kiss and tell...cripes, I'm going to kiss and BRAG. Not only was he hot, and fun, but he was an amazing kisser. I put a stop to things and insisted we needed to head out. We made it to the casino, share some more hot moments (before security drove past and made us both feel a bit uncomfortable) and wound up turning $20 into $90.

I'd say it was a pretty hot date....

Introducing 21

Not only did I take the plunge at the end of January, but I also plunged myself back into the dating scene….This time, however, I approached things in a completely different light. Most of the time I had created dating profiles in the past, I had done so completely trying to sell myself, and make men realize that, although I might not look like a Barbie, I am an AWESOME PERSON SO DATE ME OR ELSE. Since that hadn’t seemed to work, and I had only been on a couple of extremely lame dates, I took the path less traveled; the path of putting very few words in the description section.

Example:

Interests – Life

First Date – Grab a cup of coffee and see what happens….

….I was very short, simple and to the point.

Much to my surprise, it kind of seemed to be working for me! I had received a handful of new messages within the first week. Sure, some were from creepy men that were older than my father, but the beauty of the internet is YOU DON’T NEED TO ANSWER (although, to save face, I answered with a polite response saying I wasn’t interested, but good luck in your search).

I think Karma finally decided to throw me a bone, because one day my inbox had a new message from someone I’ll call 21.

21 is just that, 21 years old. Since I was about to be turning 29 (gross), I was naturally very apprehensive to talk with him…He asked me what I was looking for, and I told him the truth, “A guy to go out with that will make me laugh, and whom I can have a great time with.” When I asked him what he wanted his response was literally “sex” which made me laugh. I tried to politely shoo him on his way, stating that if that’s what I was looking for I wouldn’t be online, and that I hope he had luck in his quest for his next hook up….but he didn’t go away. We kept messaging, and seemed to have clicked online. Some texting and a telephone conversation were followed up by setting up a first date.

Stay tuned…

Hello 2012.

The dawn of a new year typically has people all abuzz....

What should I do differently NEXT year?

Yes, I'm going to workout more and LOSE WEIGHT.

THANK GOD THIS YEAR IS OVER!

...you get the picture.

I'm not a huge "New Year's Resolution" person....in fact, I was kind of sad to see 2011 leave. It was a year I took my son to Disney Land. A year I popped my Vegas Cherry (and had an absolute blast doing so). A year I FINALLY re-enrolled in college. A year I bought a brand-spankin' new car.

2011 did me well.

You can imagine my lack of enthusiasm for saying goodbye.

I reluctantly allowed 2012 to grace me with it's presence, but let me tell you, the beginning of the year was a royal biotch for me.

• My son was struggling with Kindergarten
• My house hunt was coming to a dull slow pit of nothingness
• ...and then there was the time I rear ended someone on my way to work in the morning.

Throughout all of the negative, I've been lucky to find some smidgens of positive. The car wasn't as bad as it could've been post-wreck. I wasn't hurt, and neither was the other driver. Throughout a bit of intense coaching, my son seems to be on a better track with school. I found the house of my dreams (for the time being) and was able to workout a deal and close January 31st.

...and then there's the part about my love life. Many more details to share, although I'll be quite honest I kind of like holding this one close to my chest. It's been such a long time since I've had traces of romance in my life that I feel like hoarding it ALL. TO. MYSELF.