Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Hello Dirty 30's

It's technically been over seven years since I can officially say I was in my last "relationship."  In that time, I've "dated" one guy, but it fizzled after a handful of dates and went nowhere fast.  Aside from that, and a few other first dates, I've pretty much struck out left, right, then left again (ironically enough, leaving me a chronic singleton). 
In the past month, I've been told I'm not introduced to other single guys through friends because my friends secretively think I'm fucked up....lovely thought, right?  In the past month I've also adopted a dog, and signed up for an online dating site which most likely will just be a HUGE waste of money. 
It's not that I don't think I'm effed up, it's just tough to hear it from someone in the context in which it was said.  I acknowledge that I only get out once a month, and even those nights out are becoming more and more limited.  Aside from my work day, my only communication consists of reprimanding a 6.5 year old, and now a puppy.  I don't have the body image confidence to get my flirt on when I'm out in public...shit, I barely have the confidence in how I look to get my flirt on via the internet!
Not sure I've done the proper introduction to my next crush, but at the risk of already introducing him (yes, I'm too lazy to look back at my last few posts, I digress) lets call him Italy.
I've known who Italy was for a long time; but knowing WHO someone is is not the same as KNOWING someone.  Thanks to the powers of facebook, I tried my best at flirting with him, and we wound out together one night last spring.  I'd take a huge risk calling it a date for two reasons; 1) There wasn't a kiss at the end of the night, and 2) There wasn't a single bit of followup communication....truth be told, it also could've easily been construed as a date since my track-record proves I'm a one date kind of girl, but whatever.
This past weekend, while I was out for my "one free night a month away from baby boy" we started chatting.  By midnight I was on my way to pick him up thinking we were just going to have a silly fun night hanging out at my place.  He was seriously drunk when I got to his place, very quiet, and HOT AS HELL.  The cologne he wears, I swear to god, was so intoxicating I was most likely undressing him with my eyes the moment he got into my car.
When we were kicking it at my place, I was trying to suggest things to do to see how crazy this guy would get.  For whatever reason, he wasn't really interested in anything I suggested, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.  I'll admit, I caught him "checking me out" at  one point, and the girl inside of me felt so uncomfortable because I'm not fit, in shape, or feel hot; and HE....well, HE is fit, tall, in shape, and did I mention how AMAZING he smelled?! 
To my surprise, he made his move and kissed me.  It gave me absolute butterflies.  So what do I do?  I step away, and tell him how long I've wanted to do that to him, shove my tongue down his throat, step back away from him throwing my fists into the air and shout VICTORY!  ....because every sane normal girl does that....fml.
I'll be the first to admit my lack of self esteem has me jumping at every single opportunity to incorporate coloring into my lack luster sex life.  So of COURSE we wound up in the bedroom....and yes, it was hot...exactly what I wanted (or so I thought).
The next morning, after I got out of bed while cooking up some post coital eggs and bacon, I realized what the night before was; a one night stand. 
I am beginning to think all I do is give off some sort of desperate-nature singleton one-night aroma.
What in the hell is my problem?  I'm so upset...and on the verge of turning 30 which is also depressing the hell out of me.  Why?  Because I wanted so much more for myself by the time I turned 30.  I wanted a husband.  I wanted to have traveled the world.  I wanted to have finished school.  I wanted so much more than what I've allowed myself to settle with.  I am constantly upset with myself that I haven't been able to provide more for baby boy.  I'm so thankful to be his mom, but at the same time so upset with myself that I didn't set higher standards to achieve my goals.
Throw my one night stands into the mix with all of my self doubt and it makes my life so much more "awesome." 
Turning 30 should be a fun amazing party... but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and disappear.  I feel old, ugly, fat, and unwanted.  Lucky me.

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